my free moment

 I'm settled into bed at 10:40pm.
We spent a lovely evening with the neighbors. The kids did whatever while Lisa and I watched a chick flick.   (fine.  make fun of us.)
When we got home, the boys stayed up until 10pm, watching some kind of dinosaur show that was supposed to be blocked by my parental controls.  Not sure how it slipped through but I don't think they will be scarred. 

Lucas has been sweeter than honey today.  He says that he is "trying extra hard to be good" so that he can regain use of the Wii game that I confiscated on Christmas night.   I'm still not sure when the game will be reinstated, if ever.  I've explained that he should be trying "extra hard to be good" all of the time, in order for our lives to be a bit happier.   I'm still waiting for the message to sink in.

The boys are diving feet first back into chores for the new year.  I've got a nice little list on the fridge, (as I have done many times in the past).    But this time, I resolve to actually be consistent in my expectations of the boys.     I'm not into making resolutions... but I figure that if I make a big deal about a new year, and new responsibilities, perhaps they might actually take me seriously.    I've let them run all over me for too long.

I was shocked to realize that I return to work on Monday.    All along I thought that I started back on Tuesday.  Who would have thought that I'd be back for a teacher work day on Monday??   My trash doesn't get picked up on Monday,and I'm pretty sure that my mail won't be coming either... so it clearly doesn't make sense for me to go to work.    I was confused as I filled in my January calendar and realized that I  had to reserve grandparent kid-sitting for Monday through Wednesday.   My kids don't go back until Thursday!
Don't get me wrong... I love my job.... but I love sleeping late even more.

Wow.  2012.  I'm reading all kinds of blogs and facebook posts today about ringing in the new year. I've got nothing exciting to post.   I basically can't believe that 2012 will mark another number year without Thayer.
While writing dates onto my new calendar, I noted that 2012 would have been our 13th year of marriage.  And it would have been Thayer's 42nd year.   I can't imagine him being 42.  geez.
I'll be turning 35.  My kids will turn 12 and 10.   
Lucas is already planning for his big move away from home.  When he is "twenty", he is outta here.

Blink.

Hug your babies and Have a happy new year!

This song just popped into my head... and it's kinda, randomly, fitting as we mark the passage of time :)

We just returned from South Carolina, from visiting Thayer's family.
I challenged the boys, and myself, to write a brief list of things that they found memorable about the trip.

Daniel wrote:
"Our trip to South Carolina was fun because we got to play with our cousins and eat pizza for dinner.  (we got to make our own).  Our uncle showed us a remote controlled camera car that you drive with your phone!  The next day we went to Frankies Fun Park.  It is like a Putt Putt but three times bigger!  But it has some thing that PuttPutt doesn't have,  like laser tag and a giant jungle jim.  on the way home Lucas knocked my jaw out of place with his fist!!  And that is a normal trip to South Carolina!"

Lucas wrote:
"mood ring, Frankies Fun Park, playing with cousins, being bored, remote control thingy"

I compiled a more detailed list :)  :
- driving 2 hours in heavy rain.
- 1.5 hours stuck in traffic
-seeing the in-laws
-playing board games with my boys
-watching tv and relaxing!
-dinner with cousins and 2nd cousins
-paraffin hand bath
-sleeping late!  (and the boys too!!)
-Finishing Kisses from Katie
-dreaming about Uganda
-pants shopping with Granny and Cindy
-Dr. Pepper bottle exploding in my my lap on the way home and changing my clothes in the McDonalds bathroom.
-Daniel's jaw being 'dislocated' by Lucas' punch... and the miraculous healing 1.5 hours later.
-being re-inspired by Andrew Peterson music
-Listening as my kids watched "Soccer Dog" in Spanish

Good times.  But so glad to be home!

I've been following this blog for a long time.   I was reading about this gal, Katie, long before Uganda was in my vocabulary.  
Once the opportunity for me to travel with Mission Link became a reality, I started to piece together that I was going to Uganda, and that Katie was also in Uganda.   Then I did some exploring on her blog and realized that she lives in a community right near Jinja, the city where I would be traveling to.  

Small world.

I didn't have the opportunity to meet her while in Uganda, but I did get to say 'hello' to her friend, Renee, who also lives near Jinja. (and she happens to know people involved with Mission Link)
 I had also been reading Renee's blog long before I pieced these things together. And it so happens that Renee's hometown is Bedford, VA... right down the road from me.

Very small world.

Anywho.

I was anxiously hoping that I would receive Katie's new book for Christmas.  And I DID!  (thanks, Casey!)
Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis.
I've only read the first few chapters, but I am in love with this book, and Katie's message....which is Jesus' message.
As I read her description of how Uganda captured her heart, it mirrored my own thoughts and conclusions about that beautiful country.    Her words reminded me so much of why my experience in Uganda was life changing.     And I long to go back!

I am so excited to be reading this book.   I can picture the places that she describes... because I have been there!    She writes so perfectly about the Ugandan people...  So poor in America's eyes... yet so beautifully rich.

I am so excited about this book :)   Cant' wait to read more....

Ten minutes ago, I had a wonderful blog in my head.
I was going to write about how my boys woke up to a stocking full of goodies... and how they unwrapped their sweatshirts, and the gifts that they had given to each other.... and they were happy and content.
I was so pleased.
No one said "is this it?"  and no one complained about the quantity of items.  Daniel even said "thanks for the stocking stuff.  This is the best year yet!"
happy sigh.

I had placed their 'big' gifts behind the blinds of our sliding glass door.   I casually opened the blinds and the boys spotted their gifts.  They were THRILLED to say the least.   They were truly surprised.  And thankful. 
happy sigh.

They were showered with lots of other things by family members.   And all was well.
Lucas barely felt the sting that I had intended by shorting him a gift. 
He was ecstatic about the things that he received.

For the first time,ever, we skipped out on our evening family gathering at my Aunt and Uncle's house.  I felt badly for missing my chance to see the extended relatives, but I think I made the best decision.   We stayed home and recuperated from our eventful day.   And then we managed to make it to the movies later this evening.

The best gift that I received today was listening to Lucas talk to his Uncle Thad on the phone.    I heard a side of Lucas that I hadn't heard in a long time.   He was talkative, expressive and interested.   Thad brings out the best in my boys, very much like Thayer did.
After overhearing Lucas' conversation, I realize that I need to book our tickets to Arizona, for a visit, soon!

So.... that's the gist of what my happy blog would entail.

Until...
I explained to Lucas that I was going to take a shower and that he needed to put on his pajamas, and be ready for bed when I returned to his room.
Unfortunately.... a good 20 minutes later... he was not in his pajamas.  
I proceeded to take away what he was playing with and ALL HELL broke loose.
(if he had simply put on his pjs, he could have played with that toy all night, and I wouldn't have cared.  Its the fact that he completely disobeyed me that burns me up!)

Here we go again:
A perfect day, doing what he wants.
"It's time to put on your pajamas".
Screaming maniac.

Conclusion:
1.The toy that caused the problem, and his brand new Wii game have been bagged up and put in my closet.    They won't see the light of day for a long time.
2. I'm thinking of getting a one way ticket for Lucas to go and see his Uncle.
3.  I really miss Thayer.

So, that my friends, is the recap of our merry Christmas.

(written on Christmas eve)
I've been rockin' this Christmas.  I've kept our month pretty uneventful.  I've sat at home while others ran around like crazy people, baked and attended cookie exchanges.   We've played it easy and I'm proud of myself.

(I tend to run around like that in October... so perhaps December can be my free month)

I did offer to host our family's Christmas cookout tomorrow.  And I'm excited about that.   This is our first Christmas cookout and I'm thrilled about it.  Our menu is easy squeezy... so it doesn't really require long hours in the kitchen.

What I really want to write about here is my kids.   I'm not sure why I want to, or need to, justify myself to others... but i feel the need to type it all out of my head.

My kids are like most other American kids.  They are sheltered and fed and their needs are met.  In fact most of their 'wants' are also met throughout the year.     That's why I don't go "all out" on Christmas.
I've said before that my kids get one gift from me and a stocking from Santa.  (and then various gifts from grandparents and family).... which altogether turns out to be a fine bounty.
This year, they each asked for one thing.   Daniel is getting an electric scooter and Lucas is getting a Wii game.     They will be pleased.   (They are not expecting me to dish those out.)
I also wrapped sweatshirts for each of them to wear to school.   And I bought $5 speakers for Daniel to use with his iPod.  And I found a $5 clearance Nintendo DS game that I was going to give Lucas.

But tonight.... I removed the DS game from under the tree and put it in my closet.  That dude doesn't deserve it.

During my quiet month at home, I have had time to watch my kids in action.  Or lack thereof.  We've had tons of free days.
 Many very similar to today:
Lucas played Wii for hours.  (my first mistake).   Then he watched some tv.  Rode his bike for a brief time.  Daniel did much of the same.  ALL day... they did whatever they wanted to.
Then... as soon as I say that it's time to go to church (or anywhere for that matter)... all hell breaks lose.   Lucas bitched about having to go to church.  And then bitched because I was taking them to eat at the Olive Garden after the service.   (I can think of lots of people who would be grateful for the opportunity)  argh.

I try to explain that they have had an entire free day... full of doing just what they want to do.  Why not set aside an hour for Jesus on Christmas Eve?  It is in fact Jesus' birthday that we are celebrating, right?
We get to the church and Lucas mumbles and grumbles the entire service.
We go to dinner and he acts like a caged animal at the dinner table.     He's nine.   And he's an embarrassment.  This kind of behavior is not okay.

I love him.  I do.
And I know that I shouldn't trash my kids on my blog.  But I'm just typing truth here.  And I'm certain, atleast hopeful, that someone else can relate.
We had a good talk about selfishness, and behavior, and being respectful.    And he is aware that I was removing some loot from under the tree.
And... of course I have to throw in my two cents about how some kids don't have any Christmas gifts, etc. etc.
I want him to realize that he is not entitled to receiving "things".   That gifts and "things" are a privilege.

Yes, I know that we aren't supposed to give gifts based on behavior.  A gift is given out of love.  A gift is given without expecting anything in return.
But... I've got a kid who thinks he is entitled.   And at some point he's got to learn a lesson.  It's not always about him.

I was encouraged tonight, when we prayed, that Lucas remembered to pray for the kids that don't have clean drinking water.
I hope he remembers those  kids tomorrow.



Merry Christmas!

http://www.bsa433.org/scout_sign.htm

We visited the Boy Scouts tonight.   We apparently arrived a few minutes too early.  The kids had gathered outside and I totally busted into a meeting that the adults were having about a Brunswick stew.
That was odd.
I felt like I was interrupting a secret society.    I knew one guy at the table and the others looked at me like I had three heads.
I sat at another table and waited for the meeting to fizzle.

The boys came in and all lined up in nifty little rows of groups.    Tonight, the oldest cub scouts,  (which are obviously called Webelos 2) were 'visiting' the Boy Scouts.    If was a good night for my two boys (potential Webelos) to familiarize themselves with real live Boy Scouts.
The part I witnessed was... interesting.     Then the kids disappeared outside and I think they had fun.   They roasted marshmallows and played a game that involved lots of tackling.

I had wondered if they felt like fish in a radically different pond, as I did... but they seemed okay.

Seriously.   I know people who are Boy Scouts.  And I know it's a great organization.  And now I really know that it is totally just for boys.
It had it's own vibe... which is hard to explain.

I think it's a good thing that I had two tutorials about Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts... and how they are "totally different".   
My 'other' son's* Dad has tried to explain things to me. And then I was re-explained during a phone call with the chair lady of the Cubs.   I think it's safe to say that after those two talks, I'm officially dumber.

I am slowly catching onto the phrases... but I certainly couldn't pass a test.   There are Cub Scouts that meet in different dens, according to age.      And I think I learned the definition of troop and pack and council.  There are badges in cub scouts and then medals of honor (or something like that) in Boy Scouts. ;)

Alot to keep up with.  And I already know that I can only handle one thing at a time.  We'll take it slow if the boys decide to join.  I'm not sure I can be as crazily dedicated as some of these other parents.
Anybody interested in buying some popcorn?   (ha.)  (no. way)

Lucas has already announced that he is not interested, because some kid squeezed him too hard.   But actually, I think he'll be ready to visit the Webelos in January... (since it's totally different than Boy Scouts) Maybe you don't get the wind squeezed out of you in the Webelos 1 group?

I am hopeful for him. :)

January will be the test.  I'll keep you posted on their final decision...

*not really blood related.  He's just here alot.

Our winter break has started and I am joyously reminded why I have sworn to always work for a school.  I can't imagine working anywhere, all year long.     I'm secretly pre-smiling at the days when I will opt to work in a school cafeteria vs. working in retail or an office.    I just pray that my dreams will remain intact as time progresses.

I know that I am spoiled.  I know that I have lucked out with my amazing part time job.   But I also know that it came from good planning, way back when I was a newlywed.    We were among the minority who chose to live on one income.   We bought our house with one salary.  We drove old cars.   It was hard.   Very hard.  Very, very hard.    I always felt like the poor one in the group.   There were lay-offs and times without insurance,  There were very needy times indeed..... but Thayer worked hard to provide for us.    Thayer worked lots of years and banked up lots of money towards social security.  I never realized how much, until it was needed.     Those years of hard labor are paying off.  Even though he didn't get to benefit... we are thankful.



Thayer also provided by purchasing life insurance.    Thayer and I had always 'hated' insurance in general.  And it was out of character for Thayer to purchase any kind of insurance, especially "life" insurance. (because what are the chances you'll EVER need that?!)
 I insisted that he purchase life insurance when he got the motorcycle.... and our friend, John, gave him the firm nudge to follow through.
Thank God.

I'm not happy to claim that we are maintaining our lifestyle without Thayer here.     It should be financially hard without him here.  We should be struggling financially.  I should be working two jobs to stay afloat.  We should be living in my parent's basement (cringe) .
But we're not. 
This stability was hard for me to accept at first.    I would refer to the insurance money as 'blood money'... because clearly Thayer had shed his blood in order for us to receive the benefit.    It was difficult for me to separate his death from his provisions.
But over the past few years, I have come to accept that this financial stability was a direct result of Thayer's provision for his family.    He was looking out for us in life and he was prepared to do it through his death if necessary.

This whole subject gets me emotional because I know other widows who are struggling.   And it sucks.   It's not that their husbands did anything wrong... it's just that their circumstances are different in other ways.   I am simply in awe that my situation turned out as well as it did.    And I know that God put all of the pieces together.   I don't know why He made things financially 'okay' for us, and not for others.   I also know that financial stability can change quickly... so I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch.   I am just hugely grateful that God has provided for us these past few years.

(Whew. I had NO idea I was gonna type all of that.)

hmmm...

What we can learn from this post:
1.  I never really know what I'm gonna type until it spills out.

2.  Make sure you are contributing to Social Security.  (and pray that it'll still be around when you need it)

3.  Purchase Life Insurance!   (please, please.   I could easily be the poster child for a life insurance advertisement)

4.  I plan to work in a school system until I retire at the age of 101.   (because it's not about the salary... it's about the vacation time!)

5.  My winter break is HERE!

6.  Do NOT call me before 9am for the next few weeks.  Cause I'm sleeping late!

Merry Christmas!

Alrighty.  My kids are 11 and 9.    
We've had the 'sex' talk.  
And it occurred to me that I had never had the 'santa' talk with them.

I've never said 'yay' or 'nay' about Santa.

From the conception of our family Santa has filled stockings at our house.  That's it.  Only things that fit in a stocking.  Never anything flashy or big.  Usually some socks, toothpaste, little toys and maybe a Nintendo DS game the last year or two.   Santa has never been very impressive, or talked about too much at our house.

For several years when the kids have questioned, my response has always been, "what do YOU think"?  Or I would casually say, "if you don't believe, Santa doesn't come".

I guess that would explain why my 11 year old is still a firm believer.

It occurred to me that I needed to set the record straight after Lucas ruined Santa for my niece.     Apparently Lucas had come to a conclusion on his own (probably with the help of peers) and he has teased my niece about this conclusion.... and in turn, her Dad had to tell her the story behind the beard.

It occurred to me that I needed to have the real 'talk' with my kids.  They took it well.  (because they are smart like that)... but the majority of the talk was that they are not supposed to say 'yay' or 'nay' about Santa to smaller children.    We talked about the real St. Nicholas... and how some families choose to 'play santa' and some do not....

Instantly, Lucas was devising plans as to how he was going to break the news to his own kids.   He quickly decided that he will put a note in his child's stocking that says,
"Dear so-and-so,
Santa died. 
Your parents will fill your stockings. 
Sincerely, the elves."

nice.

Those of you on facebook have probably seen this article which raises good questions as to why we fall into all of this Santa stuff anyway.
It also made me feel good about not 'overdoing' Santa with my kids.

I've explained that sex and Santa are two subjects that are off limits for little ears.   I just pray that my boys will remember this and spare other little ears this season.  
It may be too late for my niece, (which I feel badly about), but I'm hoping that there will still be some of that Santa magic for my nephew.  :-)

I'm learning, slowly, what NOT to do when someone dies.   You would think that I have a whole list of dos and don'ts after dealing with the aftermath of Thayer's death.  

But I'm just as clueless as the rest of you.

There are several 'widow' blogs that I read.   Some of these widows have voiced their frustrations about how people spoke to them following the death.    Some have been offended by phrases or words that came from 'well meaning' people.

Fortunately, that's just how I saw it.... 'well meaning' people who honestly don't know what to say in such a situation.  The fact that they supported our family, in whatever way, spoke more than their words.   I can't remember what people said... but I remember a house full of people surrounding me.   I remember the basic needs of life being taken care of by other people, when I was unable to do things myself.

All of this to say, I am looking back on how I have treated grieving people since I've had my own experience with tragedy.  
And I haven't done very well.
I've said some stupid things.  I've sent some wordy cards.  I've probably pushed too much of my own story on others.  
Since everyone grieves differently,  and under different circumstances.... I'm learning that there is no 'right' way to do it.

Today, I ran into a man whose son died one month ago.     I hadn't seen him since the death.    And today I saw just the shell of the guy that I used to joke around with.      He is broken.   And I know that there are no words to help with that.
He greeted me casually with "how are you?"    I replied that I was fine.  
But I knew NOT to echo his question.
 I already knew the answer.   He is not fine, nor will he be for quite a while.   All I said in response was, "I've been praying for you."     (and I have been.  it's important to only say this, if it's true!)

That was all I could offer.

I left the building and cried in my car. 

Death sucks.


 I had to watch the Justin Bieber/ Mariah Carey video of "All I want for Christmas is you", after several people said how disgusting it was.
And it was.
Poor Justin.   And creepy Mariah.   They are NOT what I want for Christmas.   That kid is super cute... but Mariah is old enough to be his mom. 
insert 'gag'.

  I did a Walmart run earlier today and impulsively bought the Michael Buble Christmas album.   It is smoooth.   I'm enjoying it in the background today.  His voice is 'melting'... (that's the best way that I describe him.)   And his version of Mariah's song is splendid :)

Anywho, I've listened to the album several times and I'm starting to get irritated at Christmas music again.  I'm pretty sure I've blogged about it before.   But I think I should reiterate.

Just on Michael's album alone.... I am able to hear:
"All I want for Christmas is You"
"Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
"Christmas (Baby please come home)"
"Blue Christmas"
"Cold December Night"
"I'll be Home for Christmas"

Geez.  Does every 'secular' Christmas song have to be about this kind of stuff?
I'm not depressed about these songs, as I have been in previous years.... but I guess you can say that I get disgruntled and grouchily think "yeah, my baby won't be home this Christmas.... or any Christmas for that matter.  It ain't happenin'. "

I kinda wish someone would write a song about... "Santa bring me a new man for Christmas".   I think that would be a winner :) 
And Santa, I'd like to place my order for someone a bit older than Justin.

I'm blogging because I see that all of the cool kids are doing it today.  I thought I'd jump on board.   (I love my blogging buddies!)

The funniest thing happened after Thanksgiving.  My calendar became empty.
It was amazing.  There was no 'event' on the horizon.  Nothing to prepare for, nothing to 'do'.   I keep telling myself that I will come home from work and relax, or nap, or walk.   But somehow, when I'm home, I tend to pace around, piddle around, check computer stuff and do housework.  And then when I think to sit and relax, it's time for bed.  It kinda sucks that I don't know how to 'do nothing'.

I am actively trying to keep my calendar free this month.  Atleast trying to.   I've added a few things this week, and there are tentative ideas on certain days....but nothing that I have committed to.   And the non-commitment is lovely. 
I'm turning down several 'cookie exchanges'... because quite frankly... who cares about cookies?

The largest hole on my calendar is on December 15th.  It is the night that I am intentionally NOT going to the annual Behold the Lamb of God Concert.  I didn't want to commit to the trip... and this is huge for me.  Any other year, I would have moved through hell and high water to get to this show.  
And I remember the year when we didn't have tickets... but went anyway... with high hopes to sneak in the back door.     This concert has been a staple to my Decembers since Thayer's death.  And this year, I'm not going.  It's with  heavy heart that I wrote, in black ink, on my December 15 calendar square:  "DO NOTHING NIGHT".  I plan to make a point to be still that night.  To pray, to listen for God. 
You know, the kind of stuff I should be doing every day.

Today, I started reading Behold the Lamb of God: An Advent Narrative by Russ Ramsey.  (Yes, you can blame most of my book choices on Andrew Peterson...  I highly recommend everything that he recommends)  :)
Anywho.  I have high hopes for this book as I approach Jesus' birthday.  Not simply for the birthday celebration... but for my own journey...learning to be still in God's presence.