my free moment

Christmas came and went without too much fanfare.   Lucas got a camera, Daniel got a camcorder.  They also received gift cards and other nifty things from relatives.    We tend to keep it simple around here.   My boys tend to be very content with what they have.  Prior to Christmas, they couldn't even think of anything to ask for this year.   (I suppose that could also mean that I spoil them with too much stuff throughout the year.  I dunno.) 

We postponed our usual after-Christmas trip to South Carolina.   We'll be going down later this spring.    This is the first time we've been home for so long during a Christmas vacation.  It has been marvelous.   I have been super excited about sleeping late.   I can't even recall what we have done for the past week... but it's been grrrreat!

I can't believe that another year is behind us.    This was our fifth Christmas without Thayer.
 I managed to fill the stockings on Christmas Eve without tears.     
There is always that empty feeling during family gatherings... but it was a little less achy this year.

Looking back on this year.... I realized that I have only blogged 48 times.  That is a far cry from previous years.   I suppose that it's a good thing.  I haven't had too much on my mind that was dying to get out in print.  

It also saddens me because I feel like I've lost some of my motivation for writing... and thinking. 
I owe most of my lost motivation to the fact that my relationship with Jesus has been pushed to the side this year.   I haven't been on close speaking terms with Him.   I really want to rekindle my relationship with Him this coming year.   I want to reinvest my time to be taught, and inspired, daily.

I have learned several things this year:

I have learned to be content.
I have learned to choose my battles with the boys.
I have learned that each day is a new day.  Thank God!
I have learned that acquaintances come and go... but good friends keep showing up, even in the mundane.

My goals for the coming year:   1. Eat out less.   2. have empty squares on my calendar.

I'm sitting in the basement, listening as my boys watch yet another episode of Man Vs. Wild.  We haven't seen it in a while because the boys thought we had watched all of the episodes.  (They were wrong.  I think we have a zillion left.)
Somehow this silly show makes me feel like things are balanced in this house.    It's nice to have a man around. Especially one with a fancy accent.  hah.

Tomorrow is my last day at work before a lengthy Christmas break.  I am excited about some off time.  These past few weeks have been packed!  There's nothing really to show for the packed-ness.... but I know that we've been running ourselves ragged with something each day.
Somehow I've managed to fill up my free days as well... with totally fun things like chaperoning field trips, a day trip to visit friends, and attending school parties.  I think I can manage :)

The boys and I continue on our path of partial normalcy.  Not much drama or chaos.  Some evenings I sit and think about how far we have come. Sure, we've had some disagreements... but nothing compared to the emotional chaos that haunted us for a long time.
I know that things can change drastically when they become teenagers... so I'm counting my blessings this month and praying that things will continue to look up.

Turns out that I must only blog when I'm stressed out, sad, or really thoughtful about something.  And evidently.... I am none of the above.

Things have been going rather well lately.  I have no idea what happened to much of the fall.  And I have no idea how December showed up so early.... and how the temperature is so unseasonably warm.

In passing, several people have asked, "are you ready for Christmas?"
My response has been "sure?"  
I've bought two gifts and somehow I think I'm pretty ready.
Lucas set up, and decorated, our Christmas tree several days before Thanksgiving.   Fortunately the tree is in the basement and I've actually only seen it a few times since it appeared.   The decorations are meager at my house this year.  I think, somehow, I have fewer and fewer as the years pass. 
(I suppose I'm gearing up for the days when I have a zillion cats and a little table top tree.)
I did manage to put Christmas lights in my windows only to realize that the bulbs were dead.

Last night I ordered an inflatable Hippo for my front yard!  I've always wanted a Hippopotamus for Christmas!    And I'm sure that the neighbors will be inspired by my completely random Christmas cheer.

It seems that the rest of civilization has an elf on their shelf.  I'm super concerned about this new fad.  And slightly annoyed. 
If so many elves are hanging out in people's homes.... who the heck is making the toys at the North Pole? 

Before Thayer died I was a calendar fanatic.  I lived and breathed through my planning, my marking and filling every calendar square.  I was a plan-a-holic.

As I think I've shared before... in August of 2008, I was beyond thrilled to receive a leather organizer/calendar while attending my first PTO meeting at the elementary school.
I remember coming home and transferring a zillion activities from my wall calendar to my new organizer, and cross referencing everything with my pocket calender.   I worked for a long time and I clearly remember Thayer speaking in an exasperated tone about how I 'plan too much'. 
He thought I was nuts. 
I thought I was genius.

and by the end of the week.... MY plans failed.
Thayer died that weekend and I tossed my pocket calendar and my new organizer straight into the trashcan.     He was right.  I planned too much.   And I learned how quickly our plans can be smashed.

( I did keep my kitchen calendar because there was no way that I would remember anything!)

I've managed fine for over four years.  one calendar. 

I broke down the other day and purchased a pocket calendar simply because I would be attending a few meetings that needed some commitments to various dates.  I wanted to be able to volunteer on the spot, and not have to wait to look at my wall calendar.
I've actually resented having to write activities on the small calendar.... but I realize that it will be helpful, to a point.

anywho.
Interesting thing.  I attended a PTO meeting last night and the principal handed out the same freakin' organizer/calendar binders as in previous years (ie. 2008).  She had forgotten to hand them out earlier this fall. 
I quickly turned down the gift.
sigh.

I may have caved and bought that pocket calendar... but I'm considering throwing it away.  I do not want to fall into the same pattern again. 
I keep hearing Thayer say, "you plan too much".

Now don't get me wrong!   I consider myself very organized.  I have things, well... everything, written on my wall calendar.     I do make plans.   I plan for birthday parties, holiday parties, social events.  I have learned to look forward to things.    But over the past four years, I have learned not to plan too far ahead.   usually a month or so at a time.

I'm realizing more and more that I should leave the planning up to God.  Because apparently He's supposed to have good plans for me.
Just waiting.

Jeremiah 29:11.

We made it through October.  We traveled, we cabin-ed, we mazed, we partied, and we Halloweened.


Our 12th annual pumpkin party happened this year with my family and neighbors.  The lighter crowd was enjoyable and I suppose that we'll aim for number 13 next year.

The boys enjoyed their second year of trick-or-treating on their own, with friends, in the neighborhood.
Someone please explain why neighborhoods are no longer considered safe options for trick-or-treating?  
A voice on the radio had the gall to promote the church events of 'trunk or treat'.... claiming that they were the "safe alternatives".     
I'm pretty sure that no one was killed or maimed on my block this year.   And come to think of it.... I'm pretty sure that no one has been given poisoned candy either.  
Don't get me wrong. I'm sure that the church events are a lot of fun for kids who can't walk from door to door.  But as long as my kids are of trick-or-treating age, and if they have feet... they are gonna hit the pavement if they want candy.

A few days ago, I had to follow through on a consequence, and I threw all of Lucas' candy in the trash.  He was furious.   But looking back, I think it was one of the finest moments of my parenting.
And the days that have followed have been nothing short of heavenly in our home.  Both boys have great attitudes, they have been helpful and our environment has been very pleasant.  Throwing that candy out has been such a positive thing.   Weird how that worked....

November has come and the time change has been interesting.  Both boys put themselves to bed at 7:30 tonight.   If only we could stay on such a schedule.

I am SO looking forward to a day off from work on Tuesday, for voting.   And I am even more excited about the end of the stupid political calls.  I have been refusing to answer the phone.  Daniel has put himself in charge of the calls... and even answers the political polls.  Imagine if our future was determined by 12 year olds!  (that might actually be a good idea!)

Here's hoping for a fresh new month ahead.   I suppose the countdown to thanksgiving and Christmas has started.

Road trips are good for my soul. 
After a very challenging week, the boys and I hit the road for over five hours, in anticipation of celebrating the boys' great-grandmother's 90th birthday. 

The drive was marvelous.   I took the easy road and brought along red box movies and audio books.  The boys watched movies the majority of the time and I basked in the silence of the front seat.    I sang to myself, thought, prayed.   I even managed to day dream about making a cross country drive and I started mentally planning a trip to Africa for 2017. 

After settling in at our destination, Granny and I reminisced about what she called "the good old days".... meaning to me...back when both of our husbands were living.
Thayer and I would bring the kids over to dinner once a week or so.  I reminded her about her homemade bread and their generous garden.   
She was tickled when I reminded her that our 'coffee table' is the chest that her husband built to ship their belongs via train... long ago.

90 years.  What a lifetime.  What a story.

The celebration took place on Sunday.  And the most fascinating observation that I made.... was how grown up Daniel became this weekend!!
He was greeting folks at the door and mingling with the crowd!  I stood back in awe of his social charm.    I even caught him arranging cups as people were getting ready to serve drinks!   I was so proud of his demeanor!!


I was super proud that Lucas gave hugs, took pictures and even wore a collared shirt for the occasion. (with some extra insistence that he leave it on for the duration of the party).
He had a really nice weekend!

Overall.... a very refreshing weekend!  I think that we desperately needed this little get-away.
Road trips are good for my soul.

My motivation is draining.   Not that I had much to begin with... but I've had several rough moments with Lucas lately and I'm simply tempted to pack my bags and leave.    I'm at a loss at how to restore order to a home that has been run inconsistently for such a long time.  And I am becoming exhausted with the characteristics that my children have developed.   Something needs to change and I need to set strict boundaries for all of us.   slowly but surely.

I've recently made it through both of the boys' birthdays.   We stayed busy with friends and parties but I still found myself feeling depressed over the past few weeks.  Birthdays are always hard for me... because Thayer should be here for remembering their births.  It's hard to think about all of the years he has not been present to celebrate with his boys.  and all the years I've been doing this alone.

I painted the boys' rooms and gave them loft beds for their birthdays. But during the process, my bedroom became the drop zone for all of the extra crap.  And as in the past... my environment is starting to drown me.   I'm waiting for the motivation to swim my way out.

I read.  Occassionally.  So to say that I've been absorbing a book for the last month is a big deal.  I was instructed to read The Yearling written by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings.   Well... not personally instructed... but for the past few years, Andrew Peterson has been pushing this book....and even refers to it on his new album.   And you guys know that if Andrew Peterson suggests something, or sings about something... it must be examined.

Anywho.  I picked up the book at the library and was a bit intimidated by the 509 pages, and the words 'complete and unabridged text'.
(The last time I read 500 pages was with the Twilight series!  And I wasn't sure that a boy and a deer could keep my attention as well as blood thirsty vampires.)

Turns out that the book was fascinating.  It was a very easy read and I was easily transported into the story of poor country folk in Florida.   All in all a good read.
But be aware... I read the last sentence, closed the book and said outloud, "wow. That was depressing."

Without giving spoilers, I must say that I was drawn in to several scenes.   One particular passage caught my attention and has stayed with me over the past few weeks.  She writes:

He listened gravely, nodding his head from time to time.  He was a small staunch rock against which their grief might beat.  When they finished and fell quiet, he talked of his own losses.  It was a reiminder that no man was spared.  What all had borne, each could bear.  He shared their sorrow, and they became a part of his, and the sharing spread their grief a little, by thinning it.

I love the thought of 'thinning' grief.  By knowing that others can relate, that they share your sorrow.   I have said it many times before that I have been very blessed in knowing my 'widow friends'.  Several us have been counting the years together and it has been interesting to see how each of us have moved through the muck.
I've shared several conversations this week that remind me how richly blessed my journey has been while being surrounded by these ladies.    Our sharing has spread my grief a little... by thinning it... and I am thankful.

I find it hard to believe that even after four years...

I sat in church today and wondered:

"I wonder if this is just a really long dream.  What if I wake up tomorrow and Thayer is here?  Would I remember this being a dream?  
Would time have passed since I last saw Thayer, and would that make me appreciate him more?  Or would I wake up with no memory of his absence? 
It's possible that God could do that.  You know... make a  new day tomorrow... where Thayer is here.  But I suppose that God would have to erase my memory of the last four years.  
God would have to replace my memory with things that happened if Thayer had been here for the last four years. 
Or... He would have me wake up four years ago, as if time hasn't passed.  Daniel and Lucas would be little again.   No one else would know that I had this dream.  Maybe I wouldn't even remember it.  We'd be just a normal family again.  I wonder how we would turn out?"

I used to daydream about God changing his mind about it all and calling a Mulligan.  I knew He could if He wanted to.
But... four years later... I'm pretty sure that this situation is permanent.

Interestingly enough.  Tonight while Lucas was straightening his room I saw that he was gazing at a picture of himself and Thayer.   I said "Are you looking at your handsome daddy?"  And he said, "yes... I wish that he were still here."

I guess the wishing never gets old.

Just a quick, and very thankful, update on my
 "Un-trip" fundraiser from July:

I am very excited to report that a community of family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers contributed a total of $2,535 for the Ugandan widows!!

This amount well exceeded my goal of $2000 and I am thrilled!

The amount raised should cover the salary of a director for the Widow's ministry for ONE YEAR... as well as pay for her transportation!   This is awesome!

Thanks so much for supporting my endeavors and most importantly for supporting the Ugandan widows!

James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Matthew 25:40
The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

I think I'm becoming a bit of a hermit these days.   On the way to a Junior High Cookout at church... where we were supposed to hang out and "meet other families".
 I thought to myself,
"I don't want to meet any more people.  I can hardly keep up with the friends that I have!"
 (yikes that sounds so selfish)
  Luckily, I already knew most of the people there so I wasn't forced to be friendly to strangers.  whew.

This morning, my kids left town for the second weekend in a row.  Last weekend they went to Comfort Zone Camp and this weekend they are water skiing and camping with a dude from church.

Last weekend I made a point to go and visit several out of town friends.
This weekend I failed to make any plans but I think it has been wonderful!!

 I wrote a zillion thank you notes, paid bills, took my recycling, went to the post office and the library (which was closed for the holiday. go figure.) and watched a Jesse Stone movie from the Redbox.
 (Someone PLEASE tell me that you like Jesse Stone flicks as much as me?!)   I love those movies!!
I registered packets of book incentive thingys for the elementary school teachers, I went to Target and then ended my night with pizza and the movie Blue Like Jazz. (which I really enjoyed).
Productive, yet at the same time- a very lazy day.

All of that to say that I actually managed an entire day without needing people.  And that is super weird for me.  I usually thrive on being around people.  But I think I could get used to having days to myself.  It has been SO quiet!

Also while enjoying my second kid-free weekend, I realized that people who share custody with an ex-spouse get these kinda days on a regular basis! 
How nice.  I can only imagine how that would be.
(yes, I know that my family kid-sits for me often... but that's not the same concept.)
I'm sure that my widow friends know what I mean.   I'm honestly not sure how we have adapted to the solo parent gig.  We're far from perfect... but we've gotten used to it, i suppose.
It makes me really appreciate days like today.

My kids have another weekend at Comfort Zone Camp under their belt.  I think this was camp number four.   Each year, while we are driving home from the weekend, or unpacking the car, the kids will say "when can we sign up for next year?"  They are READY to go back.

This past year, Lucas must have asked me two or three times each month about how many more months, or weeks, until camp.   He waited all year to go back to his favorite camp location that has a lake, so that he could canoe and kayak.  For the last few weeks that was all that he could talk about.   
I dropped the boys off at camp on Thursday afternoon and they were thrilled to see that the lake had a big pillow trampoline thing in it.  They were SO excited.

I left them with their excitement and went to visit some friends for the weekend.  (yay me!)
On Saturday morning I woke up to RAIN.  ALL day RAIN.   I prayed that the boys would have been able to hit the lake on Friday.... but nope.   They didn't hit the lake at all.  Saturday was supposed to be the lake day.... and it RAINED.   Both boys were bummed out about that when I picked them up.
Lucas was quick to note that he would have to wait another YEAR!  
If anything, this weekend reinforced how life is full of unexpected disappointments.

But overall, it seemed like they had a great weekend. 
(Except for Lucas saying "that was the worst weekend ever because we didn't get to go to the lake".)    hah.

Each year, the Comfort Zone staff matches each camper (little buddy) with an adult (big buddy).   And each year, my boys have been matched really well with their big buddy.   I could go on and on about how thankful I am for the many volunteers who make these camps happen.  Each big buddy donates their time.... their entire weekend.... to hang out with some strange kid.     As a parent, I consider this a huge blessing.  
This year Lucas has announced that he was paired with the "Best Big ever." 
The reason??  Simply because his big buddy didn't go and hang out with other people.  Lucas noted that his big buddy stayed with him the entire weekend.   And he was glad to have that personal attention.

I was tickled when Lucas mentioned this because his big buddy indicated that Lucas kept wandering off.
 haha
It's interesting how the two perceived the weekend.

Upon checking them out, Daniel went on and on and on about the amazing "Zone Games" that occurred on Friday.
He says that "it was like a field day x 20".   
He went into details about all of the teams, the festiveness and the games. Both boys really enjoyed the Zone Games and were able to tell me about the games in which they were competitors.

As for grief work...
Turns out that neither of my boys shared their stories or talked about their Dad this weekend.  In the past, they have shared a bit more... but this year, they both said that they didn't really have anything to talk about.   
So... we may wonder, "why send them to a camp for grieving kids if they don't even want to talk about their Dad?"
I say that it's because I want them to be a part of a community who 'gets it'. 
I want them to hear other stories that they can relate to, atleast in some small way. 
I want them to notice what grief looks like at different ages and stages throughout their pre-teen and teenage years.   
The counselors say that grief looks different to kids at different ages. 
I want my boys to be able to internalize some of that and realize that they will struggle with different aspects of their Dad's absence through the many milestones that lie ahead. 
I know that these camps are good for them.  :-)

Both boys have declared that they would like to be Big Buddies down the road.    Who knows what the future may hold for them or how they will be able to help children, just like them, in the future?
My heart swells.

Can't wait till next year.

This past week we were fortunate to have breakfast connoisseurs stay at our house.   
Being the great chef that I am, they were able to fix themselves cereal most days.... and I rocked out some Eggo waffles one day to show them that I can work a toaster.  

On their last day in town (and the death anniversary), Norbert had planned that we would go out to eat for breakfast.     (He pronounced himself to be a breakfast snob).... so I felt the need to ask my Facebook friends to recommend their local favorite.  
Several people mentioned chain restaurants... but apparently breakfast connoisseurs like to eat local.   And honestly, there aren't many home grown type places.   
One third of those surveyed recommended the Market at Main. 
Somehow the Koffee Kup also was up for debate via the connoisseur himself.   
Market at Main was the pick, I think simply because we heard that the Koffee Kup only takes cash.  (can someone confirm this, please?)

So... we 'get downtown' and hit the Market at Main.


Here is the official review from the connoisseurs, and my family too......

First impression upon entering the restaurant:
 "Hmm.  This place is nice and rustic.  I like the ambiance."

While waiting a bit longer than expected for the food to arrive:
"Good things come to those who wait.......... I guess."

Impression of the food itself:

Kids say--
D:  "Best bacon egg and cheese biscuit, ever."
L:  "Second best pancakes I've ever had."   (and what's the first?)  "McDonalds".
V:  "Best pancakes ever."

adults say--
Y: "very delicious"
B: "Corn cakes were delicious."
J:  Biscuits and gravy tasted like... biscuits and gravy.
N: "Good breakfast.  Not over the top, but a good breakfast."

So there you have it.  I agree, it was not over the top, but it was breakfast that I didn't have to cook!

 Any other suggestions for their next visit to town??

Today is the anniversary of Thayer's death.  Four years ago, on the evening of August 16th, our lives changed forever.  
This year, as with the previous years  I was bound and determined to avoid sitting at home and reliving that day in my mind.
Turns out that the memories are unavoidable.  My mind and body started to ache much earlier this week, in anticipation.   

The good news is that Thayer's best friend was in town with his entire family and we were privileged to give them a place to sleep and some running water for several days this week.  It was lovely to catch up with them, and I enjoyed sharing little remembrances of Thayer with people who knew him well.  I'm looking forward to seeing more of their fun family now that their two oldest boys are attending school in town.
 
Today, after a yummy breakfast out with our friends, the boys and I headed to the lake to meet some of my family.    I had planned for a day at the lake as this year's distraction of the day.  It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed the sun and water.   My Dad brought along balloons that my boys, and my niece and nephew, released in honor of Thayer.   
All in all, a great day. 

I was thankful for various friends and family who acknowledged this day and made a phone call, sent messages, and snail mail.   The sentiments are very much welcomed and I appreciate the thoughtfulness.    We are fortunate to have support and people to share in our milestones.
 

In all honesty,  I don't forsee that I will stay up late and wallow in grief of bad memories.    I have little flashbacks of that evening and get knots in my stomach when I remember having to make 'that phone call' to family and friends.   
But for now, I will choose to tuck them away for another day simply because I. am. beat.

goodnight.

A few days ago I went on a tirade about our house.  I got the feeling that we were living in squalor and I wanted my kids to know of my disgust.   I insisted that they clean their rooms  (enough that they could walk and vacuum a decent amount of floor).  I was ranting and raving and purging things from my room.  
Until one of the boys says, "Mom, you're only acting this way because you have been watching that show!"

Aha!  He was right.  I had been watching WAY too many episodes of Animal Hoarding on Netflix.    Night after night I was watching episodes that documented the lives of people who have lived through trauma, loss and death.   Over time their situations led to an addiction to own, save, control and hoard animals.     It was disturbing and sad to watch.    
And in the back of my head, I keep thinking, "Lord, don't let this happen to me!"

I do not want to own any more cats.  And I'd be happy to get rid of everything in my house... so I think I'm safe for now.

After realizing that I had become too involved, emotionally, in that disturbing show....
And I really need to take my mind off of the sadness in our community....

I've decided to try something NEW this week!!

I'm going to read a book!  It's been ages since I've read.   I seem to go through spurts.
I picked up a book from the library.    
 I've realized that all of the names and places are based in India.(I think)  And it seems to be on a much higher reading level than I'm used to.   
I feel like a moron.  I've read and read and read... and I'm on page 48.     The jury is still out on if I even understand what I'm reading!!
I suppose I should stick with titles such as Skippyjon Jones.
I'm hoping I can get my mind sharp in time for preschool to start in a few weeks...

Whew!  I  need to chill out.
I had thought I was a pretty chill person.  about most things.  My kids can get bloody and broken and I can convince myself to remain calm.

But tonight, when we came home from skating... I just happened to notice a box, in the corner of my unfinished basement room, looked wet.  I thank God that I noticed.   It's rare that I notice anything in that room. 

I then noticed that there was a puddle of water behind the box, and all along the wall that adjoins to my finished basement!!!    The carpet in the other room was wet too!!!
And  many of you know that our basement is NEW, as of last year.   I went into panic mode to determine what could be leaking!  I ran up to check the outside faucet... thinking that the hose may have been left running.  

By then, the kids noticed my panic and joined in.  

I ran back downstairs to check on the emergency cut-off valve for the same outside faucet.   Had to get a ladder and pry a little cover thingy open.   Upon inspection of the insulation and the pipe (that I could feel) there was no water leaking.  I still had worries that a pipe was leaking from above, or something was seeping up through the floor.
I called a neighbor to see if he could come help me with finding the valve, but he was sick in bed.   I then called my Dad.

Then it hit me! 
The AC unit!! 
I opened the closet door and indeed the water had been leaking from the indoor unit!  
My Dad came on the scene and confirmed that either the pump wasn't working or there was a clog.

Instant relief.   I was so glad to know the source of the water. 

I immediately contacted my favorite..... Maddox Air and Electrical, Inc.   I just wanted extra confirmation that the problem seemed fixable, and that it could be promptly attended to.
(I've got help coming in the morning!!  Thank you Andy!!)

(for the record, my Dad was willing to work on it... but I insisted that he go back home and go to bed.)

In the meantime water is collecting on beach towels and blankets and I will need to do a clean up tomorrow.    The saddest part of all is that the new carpet is wet.    I've had enough of flooding and moldy carpet.   I just pray that the clean up is easy and that my basement can avoid this type of thing in the future.

Owning a home is full of surprises.  I am super thankful for all of the men that I can call at the drop of a dime.
Usually my Dad :)   
I am so clueless about most things and I am thankful to have the appropriate resources at hand for household emergencies.

Ideally, I'd love to have a man, living here, for these type of situations.  Must also love kids.
Currently taking applications.

I have a big mouth.  Those of you who know me, know that I speak my mind and often don't have a filter for my thoughts.  Over the past few years, I have talked a lot.   Several of my friends can attest to the fact that I have needed to unload my thoughts on them... because I needed an adult to hear me.  
But more recently I've noticed that I HAVE learned to hold my tongue.  Not really in extreme circumstances... but occasionally... just because. 
It's a quality that I would love to grow. 

I'm not sure if I have a sign that says "safe" on my forehead, but for the past couple of weeks while I've been out and about... people are talking to me.   On three separate occasions while I was 'waiting' I've heard alot from strangers. 

A few weeks ago at the skate park, a grandmotherly lady shared her entire family history with me.  She told me how her grand kids spend the summers with her. They take turns coming to town.  The boys like to skateboard and ski, and be active.  She also went on to elaborate how her grandson had brought a friend along for the visit.  The friend's father had died several months ago.  She told me all about his family and explained how the visit was probably a good way to get his mind off of things.
ALL of this info....
I just nodded my head and smiled.  I easily could have explained how my kids' father is also dead and how much they enjoy staying occupied as well.   But I didn't feel the need to share.

On another visit, a younger gal at the skate park, with her six year old son, went in to elaborate detail about her living arrangements, her single parenthood, and her health history.   She is traveling to Virginia Beach to visit with a homeopathic doctor who is helping her treat Limes Disease.   Being a single parent, it's been hard for her to keep up with her son while she has been ill.  Thankfully she is feeling much better these days.   
ALL of this info....
I nodded and smiled.    I didn't feel the need to tell her that I was also a single parent, or that my sis-in-law is a homeopathic doc.

The third encounter was much different.   We had just followed a dude on a motorcycle all of the way to our doctors office.     Upon registering at the desk, the dude immediately asked, "Were you behind me when I stalled out at the stoplight?  Thanks for not running me over."  And I replied, "yes, that was me.... I always look out for bikes because my husband was killed in a motorcycle accident" 
(and I'm thinking to myself.... "oh crap, Jill.   Don't open this can of worms!!)
The dude was hooked.  He needed to know all about Thayer, his bike, the accident, etc.   Even the receptionist joined in with a comment about how her ex-fiance was injured in a motorcycle accident.  We all agreed, many times, that bikes are dangerous..... but people who ride, love to ride.  Overall a nice chat with a stranger... but totally not a conversation that I generally initiate these days.    I've learned, over time, that when I initiate the topic of Thayer's death everyone stops in their tracks and their eyes get sad and droopy.    I was actually thankful that this dude wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions.  Not everyone is brave enough to seek the details, but I think he felt a kinship as a fellow rider.

All of this to say... I notice that I am learning to listen to others as they share their stories...
but ya never know when I'm gonna blurt out crazy.

There are so many times when I read facebook comments from well meaning people and I get riled up.  Today I noticed that one of my friends requested prayers for her family.    I don't know the situation and that's okay.  She just needed prayer. 
But...as I read through the comments from her other friends.... I stopped short when I read a comment that said, "God will NOT put more on us than we can bear!!"   
I know that this statement is often blurted out by well meaning people who want to be encouraging.   I resisted the urge to stir the pot on facebook, and decided to stir it here.  :-)

I can tell you here and now that the above statement is false!!   I know that God WILL give us more than we can bear.    
Nowhere in the Bible does it say, "Oh, hang in there, because God won't let things get too bad".
There will be terrible trials in life.  In those darkest moments, when you have broken beyond repair, is when one learns to rely totally on God.   
A simple Internet search brought me directly to THIS BLOG, (which I've seen before via another friend... so it must be accurate) ;)  (be sure to read it!)

  2 Corinthians 1:8,9
"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.
Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."

Please note that Paul, straight out of the Bible, says that he was under pressure, far beyond his ability. 

And there you have it.  God will allow things that are totally more than we can handle..... but the good part is ....that Paul goes on to say  these things happened "that we might not rely on ourselves but on God"

It is in the brokenness that God works miracles and mends hearts.    Sure, it's crappy that we have to learn our lessons and grow out of our brokenness and despair.   But somehow God is going to use it for good.  
In my case, with Thayer's death, I continue to question the good that can possibly come out of having fatherless children.   And many days, I grieve for my boys and myself.  Other days, I am overwhelmed by the blessings that surround us.  Every day is a journey that is molding us in to the people that God created us to be.  Our life story is a big one.

When the trials hit, it's not that someone is strong enough to handle it.... I think the moral of this story is.... when trials hit, remember to reach out for God.
God is the only one strong enough to pull you out of the quicksand.

As you know, I am a widow.     With my grief and loss aside, I consider myself blessed beyond belief.  My boys and I are provided for and cared for.   We are blessed with water, food, shelter, clothing, education, family and friends.      Considering all of the world’s widows, I am a minority.

Many of you know that I traveled to Uganda in February of 2011 to visit with Ugandan widows and hear their stories.   I heard the struggles that the Ugandan women face to feed their families, raise their children and simply survive.   I know that their cries are echoed throughout the world.    My time in Uganda changed my perspective on many things.   I came away wanting to make a small difference, in some way, for these Ugandan widows.  I have sat by for the past sixteen months, in the comfort of my home, not sure of what an unskilled single mom could do to make a difference.  

When I returned from the trip to Uganda in 2011 I was ready to go back.   I wanted to go back to the beautiful country and spend time with the beautiful people.   I was anxious to get back on African soil.  But over the past few months, God has changed my heart, and mind, about what I should be doing.    I do not believe that God wants me to invest money in a plane ticket.   I do not believe that He wants me to plan the vacation of a lifetime for my kids… quite yet.   

I do believe that God has given me a pretty nifty idea.   I would love to ask you to join me in this venture. I would like to ask you to please join me on a Mission UN-trip!

Instead of sending out a support letter that raises money for plane tickets, room and board….. Consider this a support letter for each of us to DIRECTLY SUPPORT WIDOWS in UGANDA!!

My goal is to raise $2000 that will be given directly to the Widows United ministry of Mission Link International.     (www.missionlink.org)

Mission Link is currently in need of hiring a director of the widow’s ministry (ideally a Ugandan widow will fill this role!)   $2000 will come close to covering a director’s salary for one year!     

Mission Link is also currently working with many widows on a piggery project.   Soon there will be about 100 piglets.  At least 2/3 will be sold for meat so they can have funds to duplicate the project again.  Funds will be needed to help erect shelters for the pigs.    The goal is that this project will become a sustainable source of income for these widows.

Please join me on my Mission UN-trip by supporting these women!  I may not be traveling to see them…. But I am thrilled to raise money that will be put to use on the ground.    We can join together and make a difference for a few.  And in turn make a difference for a whole community.

If you catch my vision…. And want to NOT travel with me…. please make checks payable to “Mission Link International” with ‘Widows United’ in the memo line.   All gifts are tax deductible. 

Checks can be mailed to:  Mission Link International, P.O. Box 38, 1677 Avon Street Ext, Charlottesville, VA 22902.   (For my record keeping purposes, please include a little note that says, “For Jill’s Un-trip”.)

Thank you so much for your continued love and support.  The boys and I are thankful for each of you! 

Friday night, June 29th:
We were attending Daniel’s first junior high- church-pool party at a local pool.  Things were going well.    Dinner included pizza galore, salads, sides and desserts.   Kids were playing in the pool.  There was a grand game of polo going on.  
Temperatures were record high for our city.   It was a great night for a swim. I was one of the few adults who were dumb enough to leave their swimsuits at home.  It was hot, hot, hot.   As the sun was starting to set, things cooled off just a bit and I was enjoying some conversation with my sister and a few others by the pool side.   
9:30-ish-pm: My friend’s phone rang.  It was her husband who warned her of approaching hurricane type winds.   
As soon as she was able to form the words, “Get out of the pool!!”….. the lifeguards had apparently gotten the same message and there was shouting and scurrying that was IMMEDIATELY joined by ‘hurricane  type winds’ that descended on us without any other warning. 
It was instant. 
 It was SCARY!  
As people were exiting the pool the wall of wind crashed onto us and there was utter chaos.    The potluck dinner blasted off of the pavilion area …. Plates, utensils and chairs filled the air. 
I was scanning the crowd of people looking for my boys. 
Daniel appeared by my side and I grabbed hold of his arm and screamed, “Where is Lucas?!”     
I didn’t see Lucas anywhere.  (I had last seen him on the opposite side of the pool!)  
In a split second decision, I scuffled through the moving chairs to grab my pool bag that contained my car keys and cell phone.    In the process, I lost hold of Daniel and I turned to look for both boys.   
I kept yelling, “Where are my boys!?   Daniel was just here!!   I haven’t seen Lucas at all!” 
A lifeguard was screaming for people to go into the bathrooms, which were located in little concrete buildings on the other side of the pool. 
We were being pelted in the face by flying dirt and dust.    
I was panicked about not knowing where my babies were.   I’m pretty sure that I kept yelling, “Where are my babies?!  I need to be with my babies!”  

  (so much for remaining calm in a crisis situation...) :/

I was with my sister and somehow the lifeguard was leading us across the concrete.  We were moving through the tossed chairs when the POWER WENT OUT!   We screamed at the instant darkness… but the lifeguard assured us that she could see (I think she was using a light on a cell phone) and she continued to pull us toward the safety of the concrete bathrooms.   All the while, I was freaked out about not knowing where my kids were.   My sister and I were some of the last few party go-ers who were corralled into the bathrooms and the lifeguard assured us that everyone was safely inside.   There were two bathrooms and one storage room.   
My boys were NOT with me.    
The lifeguards passed back info that my boys were accounted for.  Logically I knew that they were most likely safe… but the situation of chaos made me doubtful.   After several minutes, one of the men said that if we wanted to leave, we would need to leave before the heavy rains started.    
Daniel met me at the doorway of the bathroom and I was still frantic about finding Lucas.   I stood by the other door and yelled for Lucas.  The group of people eventually parted and Lucas appeared.  As soon as he saw me, he broke down.  He was hysterical and very scared.   We darted through the dark and found our car as the rain started to pour down.    I kept assuring the boys that we would be home soon.  Lucas was crying and Daniel was filling the role of the ‘calm’ one.    Lucas admitted that he was very scared about being separated from us, and he was afraid that he had lost me.  
Yeah, I could relate. I have never been so scared for my children. 
Losing them in the storm and chaos totally unhinged me.    It was such a feeling of helplessness.        
I couldn’t get home fast enough.  I wanted to hug my babies and assure them that things were okay.   The rain and wind were crazy.   I zigzagged around several fallen branches on my street and under the sagging power line that crossed the street in front of my neighbor’s house.     We found our way inside and gathered flashlights and candles.      We were safe and we were together.    I was so thankful.

I am still so thankful for our safety that night.  I know that the situation could have been much worse.  My other sister reminded me of the parents who have been separated from their children in tsunamis and other natural disasters.   Terrifying!
 I am saddened to hear of the lives that were cut short as a result of Friday's storm. 

Indeed, it could have been much worse.

The power was restored to our house, today (tuesday), after being in the dark for the past 3.5 days.    During the power outage we were blessed with cool places to stay in the day (special thanks to my sister and bro-in-law), and we've slept in our basement at night.    I'm thankful for my car and for running water.   
Most importantly, I am thankful for safety.
amen.

hot day.... ice cold water... refreshment.

Fathers Day came and went without much ado.   The boys said that they did not want to do anything special in memory of Thayer.   My mention of releasing balloons was shot down.... so we basically focused on my Dad/ their Papa.  
My Dad had spent the last two days at our house tending to the yard and building furniture with the boys.   He has been a great help with the guy stuff. :)

I tried not to be too down about the absence of Thayer yesterday but the lack of a father for my kids is pretty obvious on such a day.   I was doing okay until the pastor made a small remark about the importance of having a father in the home.   People always like to point out that children with a loving/active father in the home are 99.999999 times more likely to become productive members of society.  Or something along those lines.  :/
Those statistics that stack against my boys are always a mood killer.

On a cheerier note-
Yesterday afternoon we played kickball with our lifegroup.  It was confirmed that I am out of shape, afraid of airborne balls, and ultimately not too graceful when I fall.   I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to walk today, following my tumble, but only a hefty bruise and a slight soreness remains.

Today, something possessed me... well... maybe the reality that my boys are having a yard sale....made me suddenly motivated to clean out the junk side of our basement.   We went to purchase sturdy shelving so that I could get some of Thayer's tools a bit more organized.    When we got home the boys put the shelves together while I took a NAP!!    Unheard of!!   I am SO thankful that I have two aging kids that are capable of such tasks... completely on their own!  I'm so proud!
Upon waking... the kids insisted upon making their own dinner which consisted of Chef Boyardee, Cheetos, and Cream of Wheat.  I proceeded to make a bag of popcorn for myself.  (dinner of champions!)
I then dove-in to the basement cleaning/organizing.  
Four hours later, I am proud to say that the junk room looks amazing!!  I now have shelving full of things that I still don't have a clue as to what they are.  But atleast it's all displayed nicely :)
I also managed to drop Thayer's skimboard on my foot which will be a nice addition to my bruised knee.  ow!
While I was task oriented my boys managed to watch 5 straight hours of Myth Busters on Netflix.  I'm 99.9% sure that they learned alot about science.     
They might turn out better than expected ;)

I have a confession to make.

I KNOW that for the past several years I have been a 'hater' of pool memberships.   I have never seen the cost benefit in joining a neighborhood pool.  I've done the math and it just didn't make sense for our family.    Basically, I decided that we would have to go to the pool somewhere between 42- 57 days during the summer to make it worthwhile.  And with the usual vacation, rainy days and weekends thrown in there... 57 days sounds absurd.

(if you're trying to figure out my math..... I calculated using a $400 membership... and used $7/day as a basic assumption.... since it would cost my boys and $7 to swim at the public pool.  And therefore you would have to go to a $400 pool 57 times to balance $7/ day.)

but anywho.  I'm not hatin' those of you who spend the money... because I'm sure that you will go 57 times this summer.   Especially now that I've done the math. ;)

Back to my confession....
 I just bought the 'family pass' to the local public pool.  It was only $90 in comparison to the $300-700 that others pay.... so I don't feel as bad as I should.    Also, I used the money that I was rewarded through my credit card's reward program.  So, technically it was free money and therefore our family pass was free....

whew.  guilt gone.

(We will need to go 12 times to make the pass worthwhile.  And we have already gone 4!  score!)

While I'm on the topic of the public pools, I'd like to give a shout out to our local pool. 
(I think it continues to have a bad rap among certain people in our community.   And I just don't get it. )
My family has enjoyed the pool for several years.    My boys have participated in swim lessons (which are very cheap, btw), and we have enjoyed the afternoon swim times.  I feel very fortunate/blessed to live in a community that offers such a great facility at super affordable prices.
Please think of supporting your local parks and recreation department by participating in various aquatic programs.    
Or... just pay a few bucks to come and sit by the pool with me this summer. 
We'll be there atleast 8 more times... I'm sure of it.

I'm sitting here looking at a box of old camcorder tapes that I recently had transferred onto DVDs.   The DVDs are ready for viewing.   I'm super excited, totally glad to have them in easy-to-view format yet REALLY intimidated by the fact that I should probably, actually, watch them.
I was telling our barber lady that I know that I have a video of her giving Daniel his first hair cut.  And I know I will love to watch it. 
When I watch it.

I haven't seen any of our videos since Thayer died.  
Well... I did watch our wedding video on one of our anniversaries... and that went..... as to be expected.

So... our family videos.  I know they will be cute.  I know they will be funny.  I know that the kids will enjoy seeing themselves.
And I know I will cry.

Not that I even expect to see that much of Thayer in the videos.
(because you know how it goes... you fill 30 minutes of footage recording your first child's nap, or something equally exciting). 
I'm just pretty sure that seeing my little family from years ago will be emotional.  And especially whatever footage of Thayer.
And hearing his voice.
  gulp!

Tonight, I asked the kids if they wanted to throw in one of the DVDs. 
Daniel said "sure"... and I reached for the box. 
Lucas said "no".... and a stream of relief flooded over me.   
I knew that I'd be safe with another evening of Bear Grylls.

Those DVDs will sit here and taunt me until I just dive in one day soon.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Speaking of Bear Grylls.... I just read his bio and saw that his sons' names are Jesse, Marmaduke and Huckleberry.    Those. are. awesome.
:-)

Summer life has arrived.   (please, no mean comments about how much you hate me)
I enjoyed a super duper cabining trip with my friends this past weekend and jumped right in to 'summer' today with my boys.
We had grand plans to hit the local pool but we awoke to rain and cloudy skies.

Both boys asked to go to the barber shop!!! They are amazingly cute (as always)... but there is now a bonus of actually seeing their faces! :-)  

After their time at the barber shop we made a huge trek to walmart and target to stock up on food and supplies.  I intend to eat at home this summer.  Well, mostly at home.

With the pool on their minds all day, the boys convinced me to take them swimming at 3pm.   I managed to sit in my bathing suit, covered by a towel and watch my boys swim.... in the rain.  They had a blast.
Home for a dinner of Nachos and a few episodes of Man Vs. Wild.  
Off to bed early so I could appease my facebook and blogging addiction. 
All in all a great day.

Well, it's safe to say that there was no drastic change between the ages of 34 and 35.  Today started off well great as my boys served me breakfast in bed and designed a chalk birthday wish in the driveway.  

The best gift was that they came up with these ideas on their own!  
I love having capable, creative kids!

I was also surprised by visits, phone calls, cards, and fun phone messages.  Thanks to everyone who made me feel loved on my birthday :)

Another birthday gift was watching Lucas finally having his cast removed.   The past six weeks have been long weeks.  He has missed field trips, family trips and pool parties.
Yesterday was the last day of school and I am SO glad that he can start summer off with two arms that can swim.
The cast removal was much worse than I had imagined.   His arm was very sore and creepy feeling from being immobile for so long.     Fortunately after my birthday dinner, and nice soak in the tub, he was feeling better.    His next goal will be to regain some muscle and movement in his arm.

Anywho.
Summer has officially begun!     There are no vacation plans on the calendar, but I am slowly adding various day trips to the mix and I'm looking forward to visiting with some friends near and far.

I was out with some of my 'widow friends' tonight.  (I know we should come up with a happier name for ourselves...and make t-shirts... or get matching tattoos... or something...)
We attempt to get together every month, and usually the attendees vary by month.
Tonight, five of us managed to stroll around downtown and discover some new places. 

On the way home, I was trying to wrap my head around our little group.    I was feeling blessed in the fact that God has placed each of these women in my life.  
We are an eclectic group. 
I'm sure they would all agree that we never would have met each other if our husbands were still living.
God brought us together through terrible circumstances.  Yet my life if richer and blessed through these women.    Several of them have become staples in my life.

Dare I say that this is something good that has come from death?

I remember when Thayer died, I told myself that God would make something good come out of it all.  I had no idea how He was going to pull that off.  Because nothing can be good about losing a husband and father.

I know that as time passes and as good things, and blessings, unfold in our lives it will be hard to process.  
Having Thayer here and alive sounds like the best possible scenario.  But since that's not happening... I need to lean on the fact that God does have a plan for us.    I want to notice... and be encouraged... when I see God working in the little details of our lives.

Tonight I am thankful for the friendships that have sprung from the ashes...

There is death everywhere these days.  If it's not people getting executed or people having their face chewed off... then it's the dozens of people who have lost their lives in vehicle accidents...in just a matter of months. 
Every day there are more news articles about fatal accidents in our area.
Today I read articles online of a motorcyclist who died a couple of miles from my home.  And I also read about the death of a tanker truck driver...and realized that he used to be in youth group with me.  He leaves behind a wife and two children.

It's sounding too familiar.
I'm heartbroken for all of the families who have had to bury loved ones over the past few months.

I did a little facebook stalking and found the homepage of the new widow. (geez. what a horrible thing to be known as...  'the new widow').  I was able to read the condolences of her friends.
(yes... I know that you're thinking about how creepy I am....reading about strangers on facebook.... but you've got to admit that you do it too!!)

anywho.
If I had a dollar for everyone that typed, "if there is anything we can do, please let us know." Or, "if you need anything please call."

Alright people.  I know that you mean well.... but don't say this to people who have just suffered tragedy.  This means NOTHING to people who are trying to scrape themselves off of the floor upon learning that their world is completely shattered.

Honestly... I don't remember any of the people who said "if there is anything I can do..." after Thayer died.
But I DO remember the people that just did it.  Well... maybe I don't really remember everyone.    But I know that people stepped in and did things.  Some faces I remember... like the faces of my family and friends who hung out at the house and kept things in order.   I know that there was also a ton of stuff done around here that I am still unaware.   I'm just really thankful for the people who DID.

Show up weeks later when everyone has gone back to their lives.  cut the grass.  clean the house.   send giftcards.  do laundry.  take the kids out for the day.   Bring dinner... and stay to share the meal. Call to check in. Send snail mail.
Don't just offer to help.  Be creative and DO it.
People who are grieving don't know how they will get out of bed each day... much less know what they 'need'.

Of course, even having gone through the unimaginable... I'm still at a loss at how to help those who grieve.    I think the most important thing that you can do is to be present with a listening ear.

This past weekend has been a taste of what summer could be like around our house.   The house remained 'clean' after I hosted a ladies night... so I didn't need to spend the weekend cleaning!   The boys were 'around' and things were really laid back.   At one point, I looked around the house... realized that I didn't have anything to do.... and went outside to read!!  That is unheard of!

I have told the kids that if we simply put away something after we use it, the house would remain fairly 'picked-up' and I won't have to spend alot of time piddling around this summer.    A nice idea, in theory.

I am officially done with work for the summer.   I realize that I am out of work for THREE months.  A huge blessings, I know. 
I am psyched!
We don't have any vacation plans this year but I am hoping to be involved with the kids alot here at home.   I have high hopes to take them camping, ride bikes, take them to the skatepark and to the city pool.   We have also decided to have game night as often as possible.
We started a game of Dino-Opoly last night. I expected it to be drawn out over a period of several weeks.... but we finished it tonight when I went bankrupt and Daniel had a pile of cash the size of my head.  Tomorrow night, we start the Game of Life.  That should be interesting.

I am looking forward to our family time this summer.    Bring it on!

We went camping this past weekend.    It was the first 'single mom' attempt at such an event.    I have been camping before, several times, but always with a larger group... or with Thayer.   I've never had to be in charge of myself and my kids, on my own.  
(And...I  never had to do any of the work.  I was famous for planting my chair... and sitting in it.)

Thankfully my friend, Lyn, is the mama of all camping and she managed to pack her knowledge and expertise.  She still did most of the fire/cooking work, as she was up with the sun-  cookin' up a nice breakfast.     And I'm thankful that she knew the basic survival skills of being in a public campground.
(I took lots of mental notes for future trips!)

After my initial temper tantrum while setting up the tent, I tend to think that I really enjoyed myself.   The most important thing is that the boys had a BLAST!!     The entire way home, Lucas kept saying, "this is something we should do more often" and "when can we go again?"
Seeing as we don't have an official vacation this year, I'm hoping we can spend some time camping. 
I seem very excited about it now.... but ask me again when it gets really hot and muggy.   Not sure how well I'll handle those really hot days in the wilderness... but I'm willing to sacrifice some of my vanity for creating memories with my boys.

I'm currently reading one thousand gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are,by Ann Voskamp.  I was told that it was a wonderful book.  And so far, I've enjoyed it.  I'm on page 117 and I'm waiting for the 'aha' moment.   So far, I can see that she is really thankful, has found the joy in being thankful in all circumstances.... and she uses a ton of super descriptive words to describe her surroundings and her thankfulness.   She is really good at putting pen to paper and bringing life to the mundane.   Page after page, repetition of those thoughts.  I'm kinda waiting for what she's gettin' at.  Perhaps I'm missing something profound?

So far... this book hasn't shed any amazing light on any particular thing I am lacking in my life.  (other than the fact that I could really work on my descriptive writing)

When I stop to think about my daily thanksgiving.... I've decided that I'm doing a good job of being thankful.  Of course, I'm sure that I overlook a zillion things each day, but overall... I tend to be a 'glass half full' kind of person.   I feel that I am in constant chit chat with God and I often look for things to be thankful for, even in crappy situations.  

This book, as well as a sermon series at church (well... the one sermon I heard), has made me question my prayer life as well.   I'm totally not the best at 'sit down, bow your head' kind of prayer. And I'm totally not good at 'public' prayers.... because I don't say 'father God" after every two words.  (but that's another soapbox of mine)
I feel that I chat with God throughout the day.  He knows my thoughts, after all.  

After Lucas broke his arm, I wondered if I had prayed through that situation correctly.    I prayed over Lucas on the way to the hospital... but honestly... once we got there.... I forgot all about praying.  We were just going through the motions of hospital stuff.
Upon returning home...I thought to myself that a "good Christian" would have prayed through it all.  Prayed over the hospital bed, prayed over the doctors, etc.  
Eh.  I didn't.   Yet somehow, Lucas still received good care.
I feel that my single prayer covered what needed to be said.  right?  God knew the desires of my heart.

But then I think about my friend who prayed and prayed over her husband... and he died.    God answered her prayer... but not the way she had desired. 

so... prayer, in general??
God's got the plan.  He has our days numbered.  nothing is a surprise to him,etc, etc.
So why are so many of our prayers worded in ways that we think God will change His mind or change an outcome?  Isn't He just gonna do what was planned all along? 

We often pray for "God's will be done".  But do we realize how powerful that statement is? 

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

In other words.... buckle up, hold on.
And Be thankful...for this is God's will....

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18