Recently, I happened upon the documentary Embrace, available on Amazon Prime. It is an excellent film that "explores the global issue of body loathing." I sat, close to tears, as I painfully related to what women expressed throughout the film. I was encouraged by seeing glimpses of myself on the screen and then completely discouraged by not knowing if I could ever really be happy in my own skin.
Thus began my current journey of trying to get to the root of my own shame. Why do I feel so much shame and insecurity about my body?
I have briefly discussed the film with a few people, explaining that it highlighted the unattainable expectations that our culture puts on women.
I have briefly discussed the film with a few people, explaining that it highlighted the unattainable expectations that our culture puts on women.
One man I spoke with assumed that the film was about a "fat" lady who was just "making excuses" for women.
(Which, by the way... it is not, and she is not)
This response really rubbed me the wrong way. Here was a man assuming that someone who wants to spread encouragement about loving our bodies is "fat" and that they are "making excuses". He went on to say that "anything is attainable."
But my point, and the point of the film....is Yes. Anything is attainable.... but at what cost?! And are we only supposed to love our bodies if we fit into a certain mold?
I lost 55 pounds. I was praised and admired and encouraged. It felt great!
I was also super obsessive about food and exercise. I was angry at mealtimes. It was ALL consuming.
Sadly, over the past two years, I have gained 20 of those pounds back. The compliments have come to a screeching stop... and honestly, the larger I am, the more insignificant I feel.
I have become very bitter about our culture that seems to put appearance over all else.
Yet.... I know I need to lose the 20 pounds to feel comfortable in my clothes again. It's a constant struggle.
After chewing on this body image dilemna for a bit, I can only wonder.... Am I overly insecure about my body? How deep does this go?
I picked up the book In Bloom: Trading Restless Insecurity for Abiding Confidence, hoping to get a grip on what appears to be the unfolding of some intense personal reflection.
This has all been a good reminder that my value is, and will always, be in my relationship with God.
Yes, yes, I know that. But that is also much easier to say than to really embrace on a day-to-day.
The author, Kayla Aimee started sharing about her insecurity from waaay back.... her hurt and embarrassments from elementary school. I kept thinking.... geez..... she needs to stop her whining. How silly.
But! The more I read.... I realized that I, too, can still remember the names of the boys who called me "ugly" at the bus stop. I, too, can remember being so "average" that I was never asked out on a date, I can remember not feeling "enough" for my first husband.... and even now... thinking I will never be thin enough, tan enough, or timid enough for my current husband.
Apparently my insecurity can be traced waaaay back too.
I think that most women .... if you dig deep, can relate to always having expectations put upon us that are juuuust out of reach. The feeling of never living up to what we think we should be.
I'm trying to come to terms with being who I am despite what society says. I feel like that's almost impossible. I think it will be a long journey.
I guess we're all in this together.
I guess we're all in this together.
