Finding Joy

Today will not start off with birthday balloons and plans for a big celebration.  There will be no cake with 13 lit candles for the most beautiful boy in the world to blow out and make a wish.  There will not be friends and family gathered around laughing and enjoying one another.  It will be the opposite of that.  It will be quiet and lonely. Instead of gifts, there will be a visit to a graveside to place a trinket garden toy in the ground.

 THIRTEEN....I should have a teenage boy today.  The crossover from a child to a teenager.
I should be included in the conversations of the moms that get to talk about how they can't believe they will be in High School soon.  Conversations of first crushes and boy retreats.

One of the hardest things about losing a child is the emptiness you feel when you have the desire to see glimpses of their future.  It is so hard for me to fight away the pain that longs to see what Tate would look like at this age.  Would we be talking about how tall he is getting?  Saying things like, "Oh he will eventually grow into those legs, or look how his muscles are starting to take shape?"    Would he continue on the path to looking like my mini-me or would he start taking on characteristics of his handsome father?

 I long to know what his interests would be.  I would love to fulfill the desire to see him play a baseball or basketball game. For Saturdays to be taken up with sitting in the sunshine while he runs bases with this team.  To sit and listen to him giggle with his friends.  To watch his love for the Lord blossom and teach him how to be Jesus to others.
Just one glimpse of seeing him interact with his sister and having the sibling bond that she longs for so much.  The "only child" comments people flipantly say turn their sentences into daggers in my heart.

This is what is ringing in my ears today and floating on top of my heart. I will seek the Lord's help again today as I carry on with the blessing of a new day.  I will push all of these thoughts up to Him and allow him to carry the burden for me as He sends peace down to me.   Believing in His power I  will move through the day with a smile on my face, and you may even hear some laughter come out of my soul as I interact with my daughter.  That is the power of what the Holy Spirit can do.  He can take the pain away.  The pain that is so deep it calls to you to stay in bed all day and drink bitterness and jealousy into your thoughts.  His amazing power can lift the heaviest of burdens and in its place give you the desire to see what the day brings....to even REJOICE in the day.  That is the power of believing in God.  He can do the same for you.   Grief does not define you and cannot overpower you with the Savior on your side.  Oh what a Savior....Isn't He wonderful?    Thirteen....

So happy to share the things I am most thankful for today:

NOT having thyroid cancer

a wonderful husband

having a precious daughter when all I ever thought I wanted were boys!

movie and snuggle time with Em

good conversations with my honey daily

the best groups of friends anybody could be blessed with

parents and in laws that are committed to their marriage

good Christian examples

never-ending amount of people who love me....ME>... unconditionally

My savior Jesus Christ

a body I can move around in and serve in

freedom of time

my friend Heather that encourages me where I most need it THE GYM!

being raised in a loving family

my children no matter how short the time was with Tater bug

memories

laughing...its my favorite!

I cannot even begin how to express my feelings at this moment! Friday my biopsy results came back benign and I was given the message that I would not need surgery right now either. What a blessing. I was fully prepared to have the results be cancer. I felt it to my bone. I am thankful the Lord has heard my pleas and the pleas of those that love me and has delivered me from the fire. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness.

Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice!

I've been re-assessing lately.....everything.....every single little thing....that I do with my time. Two weeks ago I felt compelled to look at where I am spending my time and where I would like to be spending my time. One of my wants was to return to blogging so I can continue to have written memories over time. I also decided in trying to grow my embroidery business I was neglecting the one reason I am staying home.....my sweet Emory. So, after lots of prayer and thinking I decided to give that up and accept a job offer from my Father in Law to work 2 days a week instead of 4....giving me back those 2 days to spend with Em. I cannot believe she will be starting kindergarten next year!

I have so many emotions going on right now.....overall I am at peace, but truthfully and a little fearful. The Lord continues to re-assure me that I am His and He is with me every step of the way. I continue to hear that daily in my head from him. It is the truth and I believe that.

Looking back at my last post below so many things have taken place. The Lord provided us with good news about Emory's kidney that was smaller...her last ultrasound showed that it was growing normally and we wouldn't have to return to the Nephrologist until next year! Yay! Her infections have dropped tremendously and we are hoping her little kidney reflux is being healed as she grows!

It is overwhelming to try to catch up on all that has taken place since I last wrote...so I will move forward from today:

For today...a post for my sweet son:

November 14th....my feelings....

How has it been 6 years? Is that possible? 6 years you have been at peace with our Lord and 6 years I have felt the absense of that peace. It continues to be a daily struggle that you are not here with me. I cannot stand the fact that I don't get to watch you grow and do funny things...and have a SON here with me. I continue to be angry and lean on the Lord to help me with that anger and frustration. There is not a second that I am not thinking about you or comparing living children (mainly boys your age) to you. I look around and see all the kids that are your age and the hole in my heart aches and gets bigger.

I just miss you immeasurably.

I miss your smell, your eyes, your silent laugh....I would have loved to hear your laugh just one time, instead I can still hear your crying out over various horrible things you had to endure....the Lord guides me to not think on those things but instead of all the joy you brought to me.

I will never be the same.

You changed me the second I laid eyes on you my love...that very second I became a begger....begging for your life with me...I will never be the same without you. I wish you were here to play with your sister....what joy it would bring to see the two of you playing or fighting together. Opposites in appearance. Your dark hair outstanding her gorgeous red hair....so opposite. I would love to know your personality and enjoy your questions, your hugs and kisses......You would enjoy your daddy tremdously as your sister does. You could not have had a better father. I know you would already have your own bow for bowhunting and you would be an avid fisherman! What joy that would bring.

Instead I raise an only child.

So another year passes, another death anniversary, another minute of longing to have you. I am doing my best to make you proud. I love you.

So we were at a campout with our Church class last weekend when Emory made a suggestion to me. I was wearing a button up the front big jacket that had a drawstring hood (the strings were hanging on either side of my neck). While Em was sitting in my lap she grabbed one of the strings and looked at it a little funny (she turned her head to the side a little...then started to smile) and then said, " Okay Mommie, first we are going to stick this in your privates (holding up the string to me)...." Not sure what she said after that because I grabbed the string and her hand and laughed out loud pretty hard. I guess the VCUG taught us more than we bargained for.

After 6 phone calls ( I told ya'll I would be persistent!!) over the last few days, we finally have learned that Emory does have reflux. That is all we know right now and all they will tell us. We see her specialist next Wed. where he will let us know what degree she has and the next steps. Please continue to pray for this to be something for her to grow out of without surgery and without being on antibiotics for a year or two.

We will let you know more when we know more. We continue to covet your prayers!

Ephesians 3:20

We don't know too much right now. We are having a series of tests. It all started a month ago when Emory had a bladder infection. After the infection cleared she still had blood and protein in her urine so we were going to see a uriologist...but another infection quickly insued and turned into a UTI and she began hurting in her kidney area. We are getting over that infection and are now working with an kidney doctor at Cooks.
She has had repeat urninalysis' and we had a renal ultrasound that showed Emory's kidneys are different sizes a little more that what normal would be. So with the repeat infections and asymetrical kidneys we now will do another test called a VCUG this Wednesday to do x-rays of her bladder, ureter and kidneys to see if she is having backflow (reflux) and if so where it is happening.
We should know more when we get the result of that test. It will tell us if she needs surgery to fix this or if it is something she may grow out of. So until then, we request your prayers.

So today I am supposed to be walking my sweet, dark haired, dark eyed angel baby into his kindergarten class with all of the other Moms...only that day will never come for me. How do I feel today? I am angry, dissapointed, heart-broken, jealous and did I mention angry? For those that have lost children some of the hardest days are the milestone days. It is absolutely impossible to not think about what we are missing out on. I have put on a happy face and listened and smiled as I have attended numerous women functions the last couple of months where "first day of school" talk has continued to ring in my ear and pierce my heart. It's not that I don't want to be a part of those conversations, its that I WANT to be a part of those conversations. I want to go out and by a new backpack and embroider my son's name, I want to go school shopping for boy clothes, I want my son to stand up at Church when the whole service is on "school starting" and all the children going to school get to stand,I want the first day of school pictures, I want to walk him to his class and shed tears as I realize how the years have past so quickly. But I am a realistic person and I do try to remain in reality most of the time. I know that will not happen for my family, until little Em gets her chance. I don't want to rush her time away either. I want to soak in each moment and each day I get to spend with the third love of my life...Emory. And that is the legacy that Tate left for me. To live in the moment.
So for today, I am going to get over my anger and frustration and turn to my Father that loves me and can give me peace. He knows I am angry and mad, but still loves me....and he knows a thing or two about losing a son.

Children's Museum in Austin

My two favorite people.

The private beach at the State Park.

Tristin and the bowling for weeds station!