Finding Joy

Today will not start off with birthday balloons and plans for a big celebration.  There will be no cake with 13 lit candles for the most beautiful boy in the world to blow out and make a wish.  There will not be friends and family gathered around laughing and enjoying one another.  It will be the opposite of that.  It will be quiet and lonely. Instead of gifts, there will be a visit to a graveside to place a trinket garden toy in the ground.

 THIRTEEN....I should have a teenage boy today.  The crossover from a child to a teenager.
I should be included in the conversations of the moms that get to talk about how they can't believe they will be in High School soon.  Conversations of first crushes and boy retreats.

One of the hardest things about losing a child is the emptiness you feel when you have the desire to see glimpses of their future.  It is so hard for me to fight away the pain that longs to see what Tate would look like at this age.  Would we be talking about how tall he is getting?  Saying things like, "Oh he will eventually grow into those legs, or look how his muscles are starting to take shape?"    Would he continue on the path to looking like my mini-me or would he start taking on characteristics of his handsome father?

 I long to know what his interests would be.  I would love to fulfill the desire to see him play a baseball or basketball game. For Saturdays to be taken up with sitting in the sunshine while he runs bases with this team.  To sit and listen to him giggle with his friends.  To watch his love for the Lord blossom and teach him how to be Jesus to others.
Just one glimpse of seeing him interact with his sister and having the sibling bond that she longs for so much.  The "only child" comments people flipantly say turn their sentences into daggers in my heart.

This is what is ringing in my ears today and floating on top of my heart. I will seek the Lord's help again today as I carry on with the blessing of a new day.  I will push all of these thoughts up to Him and allow him to carry the burden for me as He sends peace down to me.   Believing in His power I  will move through the day with a smile on my face, and you may even hear some laughter come out of my soul as I interact with my daughter.  That is the power of what the Holy Spirit can do.  He can take the pain away.  The pain that is so deep it calls to you to stay in bed all day and drink bitterness and jealousy into your thoughts.  His amazing power can lift the heaviest of burdens and in its place give you the desire to see what the day brings....to even REJOICE in the day.  That is the power of believing in God.  He can do the same for you.   Grief does not define you and cannot overpower you with the Savior on your side.  Oh what a Savior....Isn't He wonderful?    Thirteen....