Project: Joey

My aunt sent me this poem and I think it is so descriptive of the way we're feeling right now.

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You were so wonderful to think about,
But so hard to be without.

--- Author Unknown

I was told back on July 19th that they couldn't see an embryo, let alone a heartbeat when I went in for my viability ultrasound.  The doctor said I should come back the next week and we'll make a plan if I haven't naturally miscarried.  So, we went back 11 days later on July 30th and my doctor did another ultrasound.  It was amazing...there was a visable embryo and fetal pole!  As surprising and exciting as this was, it was still 2 weeks behind in growth with no heartbeat and it had shifted further down in the uterus.  The doctor changed the diagnosis to a "Missed Miscarriage" instead of a "Blighted Ovum".  He said this was a positive sign.  While I was prepared for the inevitable miscarriage, it was still amazing to see the little one in there!  I guess, in a way, it made my emotions even stronger because now I had a visual image.

Saturday was pure hell!  I've never felt cramps like this before.  Here I was...in Costco, in the midst of hundreds of shoppers and I was stalled in the aisle, sweating and barely able to move!  I took an 800 mg ibuprofen and hoped it would kick in quickly!  I finally started walking around again, leaning on my cart.  I just wanted to get home!  I figured out why I was cramping so bad that afternoon when I passed the tissue/sac.  I can't believe how emotional that was!  Even though this baby was growing inside me for only a few weeks, I love him/her so much!

I'm still sad today, but now I can move on.  We had a great post-IVF consult with the RE.  He spent an hour and 1/2 with us, answered every question and didn't make us feel rushed.  He feels that we are very close to finding the perfect combination of IVF for us.  He suggested we take a little break, maybe try naturally (take Clomid if we want) for a few months until we're ready to do IVF again.  When we're ready, we're going to use a new protocol which includes 6 days of Human Growth Hormone, which has been proven in studies to help improve embryo quality.  We're not sure yet when we'll be ready to start again, but I feel more hopeful.

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "you can always adopt," or "things happen for a reason", or the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children."

The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me!

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life? It's hard to understand that people can't see infertility for what it is -- a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get back up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility for anyone, I can't deny that a more fertile woman could ever know the joy that awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know..."

~ Anonymous

The only thing I know for sure, is this journey has been unpredictable and an emotional rollercoaster.  We have never been so happy as to hear those words that I was pregnant on July 1st.  Such a completely opposite feeling as to what we felt on Monday when we went in for the 7 week ultrasound and all we were looking at was an amniotic sac that was only measuring 5 and 1/2 weeks.  There was no heartbeat and no embryo we could see.  Basically, the embryo just stopped growing about a week and a 1/2 ago for no obvious reason.

Dr. Hammoud was very empathetic and talked to us for quite awhile.  He said that miscarriages happen all the time and it is typically a genetic issue.  He felt that it doesn't necessarily make me more likely to have another one in the future.  Unfortunately, insurance won't pay for any genetic testing unless you've had more than one miscarriage.

They want me to schedule a follow-up with him in about a week to make sure that my body takes care of this naturally, otherwise I'll have to have a D & C.  Once the progesterone is worked out of my system, this should happen.  I really want my hormones balanced.  We'll be able to talk with him then about what would be the next plan if we decide to try this again.

Life just seems so unfair and confusing sometimes, but we are really trying to stay positive.  We are very blessed in many ways.  We have an incredible family and amazing friends.  We have each other to lean on and as tough as this has been, every step brings us closer and strengthens our relationship.  I'm glad I was able to actually get pregnant for my first time and it does give me some hope for having a biological child some day. I'm also relieved that it happened now than to have a problem with the baby discovered later.

It is just so hard to see all this money being spent without any results or guarantees. Most Reproductive Endocronologist don't do a good job with researching why individual patients have reproductive issues to begin with. They just treat patients with what works for most people and hope for the best. We need to get even more educated about infertility, that I know.  I've found some resources that I'll be exploring.

Clay and I have a lot to think about right now in order to decide our next steps. It will get easier every day, especially as we learn more and settle on decisions.  We just have to keep the faith that we will be parents one day...someway, somehow.

Thank you for your support, prayers and encouraging words during this whole process.

It's been a rough waiting game over the past few days.  We learned yesterday by the embryologist calling that 8 eggs were mature and were fertilized with ICSI.  The other 3 eggs were left to mature on their own.  Only 1 did mature, but it didn't fertilize.  7 of the fertilized embryos started dividing like they should.  He told us to expect a call in the morning with more updates on their progress.

I called my acupuncturist after leaving and he had availability at 2 pm, so while we were waiting, Clay picked up lunch and we ate a little picnic at the park.  It was such a beautiful day today!  70 degrees and barely a cloud in the sky!  A perfect day for 2 little embryos to settle into their loving, nurturung home for the next 9 months!