Last summer I moved to a house that does not have a washer and dryer. Having lived in student housing most of my independent life, I did not come equipped either. So I chose, at least for a while, to use this as an experiment in becoming a part of the life of the community I live in. These are my stories from the laundromat.
1. The first time I went must have been in the morning because there weren't many people there. I chose my table, got my laundry going, and sat down with a book. A few other mothers were there with their young children, chatting in Spanish and wandering between the washers and the arcade games at the opposite end of the room. Soon I noticed a small ball rolling in my direction. Behind it was a boy, maybe two or three years old. I rolled the ball back to him, which he caught with a shy smile. I smiled too, and went back to my book. A few more times the ball rolled my way again. Each time I smiled and handed it back, his shy smile grew into a bright grin. Once he came running to me with a bright blue glob of something I hope came from the toy machine in his hand, chattering in two-year-old Spanish. Eventually his mama called him and he left, waving his little fist squeezed around his bouncy ball.
2. Each time I go to the laundromat (well, okay, on the good days), I go not just to wash my clothes, but with the intention of building relationships and connecting to my community. The thing is, though- I'm an introvert. Walking up to a stranger and beginning a conversation with small talk is just not my thing. And I spend my days listening to stories of children and their families, many of whom live in similar neighborhoods struggling with poverty. I love this work. But by the end of the week, being in a loud crowded place with bored, screaming children and stressed, impatient parents feels exhausting. Many times, this "intention" ends up feeling like me putting pressure on myself to "be in community", and then feeling frustrated with myself for not living up to that vague, idealistic image I have of what "being in community" is supposed to look like.
One weekend I was again at the laundromat wrestling with what I felt I "should" be doing and what my reality is. I began having a very frank conversation with God internally. "Look, I just don't have the energy to do this right now, or to keep thinking about how I should be 'building relationships' and 'connecting to people'. I'm just going to sit here and hide behind this book. This is what you get today, so you're going to have to deal with it right now." I had an image then, all within milliseconds, of Jesus beside me, in old jeans and a t-shirt, slouching down on the next seat. (I know, it sounds cliche, but that's what it was.) "Ok", he said, "That's fine. Let's just be here."
3. The laundromat is staffed by three women. I normally go around the same time in the evenings or weekends, so usually the same woman is working when I'm there. I haven't had much conversation with her, but I've been there enough now that she recognizes me. I've often been irritated with her shuffling about, grumbling and shouting at whomever is near, both of which are equally unintelligible. One evening I was one of the last ones there and I noticed she was becoming particularly agitated about closing the doors. Amidst her grumbling, she started to tell me about being threatened with a knife during a robbery. I could hear the fear in her voice, and understood that her complaining and irritation is not just about a long day at work. It's about living in fear every day in her own community, just to do the work she needs to do to get by.
The last time I was there she smiled and her eyes were less tired.
4. I like going in the mornings, when there aren't as many people there. With the machines spinning and the traffic whirring outside, it's almost meditative. Actually, the laundromat is where I do some of my most productive writing and worship planning. Maybe it's the fact that I have at least an hour to do nothing but sit and wait. Or maybe it's that I'm in the middle of the very things that draw me towards God- the ordinariness of doing laundry, the diversity of voices around me, the sense of participating in the rhythm and life of a neighborhood, the questions and ponderings that living and working in one community (particularly this community) brings forth. Somehow, out of the spinning, a prayer and a hope arises.
This is our assurance:
That despite our stumbling and wandering,
God loves us and always chooses to dwell with us.
God still uses us to bring God's kingdom to life.
Even with our confessions, and questions, and wrestling,
God is creating a community of shalom.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Children's Mental Wellness: How to help
This is Mental Illness Awareness Week, so in honor of the children and families I work with, I am offering a few thoughts on what children need to be mentally well. Hopefully we can all think a little better about how to help children experiencing mental illness (and their families too!) heal and live into wellness.
1. Take care of yourself.
There are two questions to ask when caring for a child struggling with mental health or behavior challenges: What does this child need? and What do I need? BOTH need to be asked at the same time. One of the first things I tell parents I partner with is that the most important thing they can do to help their child is to find the support that they need themselves to be well. As a therapist, I am not able to care for these children well unless I am also caring for myself well. Caring for children is stressful, and caring for a child struggling with mental health challenges is even more stressful. Children need adults in their lives who are healthy. They also don't need to deal with our stress, anxiety and issues on top of their own. Children notice and absorb our emotions and reactions more than we see. Adults who are taking care of themselves are able to listen better, stay calmer when things get rough, and think more clearly. AND children need good models more than they need lectures. Children will learn how to live well when they see adults who are modeling wellness in their own lives and relationships, which includes asking for help for themselves when things get tough.
Parenting and helping children who are experiencing mental health and behavior challenges brings a myriad of emotions and thoughts- fear, anxiety, grief, shock, anger, hopelessness and helplessness. Parents, families and caregivers of children with severe behavior challenges may be traumatized by their behavior. Helpers who listen to children tell their stories of trauma and struggle may experience secondary trauma. If you know a family, teacher, therapist, social worker, doctor, nurse or other helper who are caring for a child who is struggling, be gentle with them. If you are a caregiver or helper, be gentle with yourself. It might mean giving yourself time to breathe and regroup, taking a parenting class, scheduling a few sessions with a therapist for yourself, taking advantage of all the supervision and colleague support you can get, becoming more educated on children's mental health and behavior challenges. Whatever you need to do to be a better caregiver- do it.
2. Listen to the story behind the symptoms.
Children are almost always referred for mental health treatment and therapy due to behavior issues. They can't pay attention at school. They won't follow directions. They get angry and blow up at the drop of a hat. They're getting into fights, can't keep their grades up and don't really seem to care how they're disciplined- nothing works. When I listen to the stories of these children I almost always hear stories of trauma- physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, significant deaths, hearing or seeing violence (Yes, what children watch on TV, hear on the radio, or play on video games does effect them. And yes, they can hear the fighting in the next room.), exposure to drug and alcohol abuse, having multiple guardians and separation from biological parents, even things like moving frequently, homelessness, or major injuries or illness. Often children have or are experiencing more than one of these, and they have no idea what to do with how they feel about this or the ways it changes how they think about their world.
What would you do if the moment you sat still all the pictures of someone hurting you came flooding back? Or if you see someone is getting angry with you, and usually that means getting hit? Or you didn't know if Mommy was safe while you were away? Or if you didn't know if you would be safe when you went home? Or everyone who is supposed to care for you hurts you, or leaves you, or dies?
Just today one of the Nurse Practitioners I work with said 90% of the children who are referred to her from schools or parents for ADHD medication have experienced trauma. I've had the same experience. Many of the symptoms associated with ADHD are also caused by anxiety- lack of concentration, rapid speech, fidgety, irritability, low frustration tolerance and easily angered. I have yet to meet a child with these behaviors who is not also experiencing some level of anxiety, and most likely that has stemmed from a story of trauma.
3. Take deep breaths.
The first "coping skill" I teach children is to breathe. We imagine a balloon in our bellies that gets bigger as we breathe in and smaller as we breathe out. It relaxes the body, gets more oxygen to their brain so they are able to think more clearly, gets them to pay attention to how their body feels, and helps them release whatever frustration or anxiety they're holding. We blow bubbles or a pinwheel to see how we can control our breath.
We also work on muscle relaxation. Doing "the turtle" teaches them to curl their bodies tightly inward and tense their muscles, then relax with a deep breath. Pushing their feet into the floor, clenching and releasing fists, or tensing and relaxing each muscle group in sequence helps release the emotional energy that is building up in their little bodies, and it shifts their focus away from unhelpful thoughts.
Coloring, playdoh, UNO, or bouncing a koosh ball are also favorites. These are helpful to give the hands something to do and get that worried or angry energy out. I keep a stack of mandala coloring sheets on my table that kids and teens (and me) will color while we talk. I create "special rules" for UNO or Jenga to help them tell me what they're thinking or feeling. When kids feel like they're playing, they don't realize that they're actually talking about important stuff.
Often our first reaction to "misbehavior" or "acting out" or strong emotions in children is to discipline. Perhaps we could help them change their behavior better by helping them learn how to cope with the emotions that led to that behavior.
4. Talk about emotions, lots of them.
I am often amazed at the lack of emotional vocabulary that children and teens have, and how difficult it can be for them to identify what they are feeling. Many are only able to identify "happy" "mad" or "sad". Unless children know how to "talk" about what they are feeling, the only way they know how to communicate their experience is through their behavior. No one, even an adult, is able to change their behavior successfully unless they have the self-awareness and emotional awareness to understand the behavior. Teaching children to be emotionally aware, and comfortable talking about what they are feeling, will form adults who are able to build healthy relationships and make choices to live well.
This is another great opportunity to get creative. It is more helpful and formative for a child if they are able to name their emotions themselves, rather than you or I telling them what they feel. While they need to know lots of different words for emotions and what they mean, they also need good listeners who do not judge their feelings. I often use color and art to help children identify different emotions. Or rating scales to identify the intensity. Or create games to match emotions with facial expressions, or situations, or thoughts and behavior, or coping skills. We also talk about feeling several emotions at the same time, and where we feel emotions in our bodies, and which emotions we show and which ones we hide, and how some emotions can be okay to feel (like anger) but can become unhealthy if we don't know how to cope with them.
5. DON'T ask Why.
Children usually do not have the ability to understand why, much less communicate it. Many adults don't even have this awareness. Asking a child why they did something and pressuring them to explain themselves only leads to the child feeling misunderstood, defensive and confused. That will almost always lead to them shutting down or blowing up. And yet adults just keep asking....
Adults have the ability to think about the world logically. We understand cause and effect. We can problem-solve somehow. If we could just understand why a child misbehaves or acts so impulsively, we/they could figure out how to fix it. But that's just not how it works. Children aren't able to think logically at the same level. They are still learning to problem-solve and think about what they are doing.
There are lots of ways to understand a situation without asking the "Why?" question- What was happening then? How did this happen? What were you thinking when that happened? How did you feel when....? What helps you to....? What makes it difficult to....? Asking these types of questions allows the child to talk about the situation openly without feeling they are being punished, and it invites them into the problem-solving process.
Children also don't always communicate best verbally. Sometimes they are better able to show you by drawing or writing about it. Children, especially younger children, communicate through their play. If you pay attention, the characters in their play may be living parts of the child's experience, or expressing the emotions of the child. A story about the picture they are coloring may be about them. This is how they are trying to understand how their world works. Pay attention to the emotion "language" the child connects with and learn to speak it with them.
6. Pay attention to your language.
The greatest barrier to asking for help with mental health challenges is the stigma surrounding mental illness. The language we use about children and adults, and their families, who experience these challenges speaks volumes to how unimportant they are to our society. Children are labeled "bad", "troubled", "disabled", "crazy", "wild". They're (intentionally or unintentionally) told that they need to say or do or be certain things in order to be "good", that they're not worthy, not able, that they don't belong. The more they are pushed away, the more they have to fight to find their place. And their families, many of whom have struggled with mental health for generations, have little to hold on to, to tell them that they are worthy and able to lead meaningful lives. Shifting our language to focus on strengths instead of problems opens space for healing and hope rather than more frustration and stress.
Children need to know that they belong. They know this, not just by hearing us say "I love you", but by the time we spend with them, the words we use to talk about them and to them, the look in our eyes when we see them. They need to know that they are good, no matter how much they struggle to conform their behavior or stay strong against the forces of depression and anxiety. They need adults who are able to see how hard they are trying and the good things they do, and shower praise on them. Children who are depressed or anxious or have a low self-esteem have a hard time believing those things themselves. Children who are trying to feel they belong by seeking attention will learn how to do this in a healthy way when adults around them celebrate their successes, no matter how small, more than punish their mistakes. They will know they belong when they are seen for who they are more than compared to their sibling or classmate or neighbor.
Children who experience mental health challenges are not "other" children. One of these is your student. Your patient. Your neighbor. Your sibling. Your child. These are the children who will one day (soon) be the adults who are forming the families of our communities. Let's work to help them heal NOW. Let's love them NOW. Let's listen to them and learn from them NOW. Let's invite them into our communities and homes NOW.
If you care for a child struggling with mental illness- Thank you! May you be blessed for this journey.
1. Take care of yourself.
There are two questions to ask when caring for a child struggling with mental health or behavior challenges: What does this child need? and What do I need? BOTH need to be asked at the same time. One of the first things I tell parents I partner with is that the most important thing they can do to help their child is to find the support that they need themselves to be well. As a therapist, I am not able to care for these children well unless I am also caring for myself well. Caring for children is stressful, and caring for a child struggling with mental health challenges is even more stressful. Children need adults in their lives who are healthy. They also don't need to deal with our stress, anxiety and issues on top of their own. Children notice and absorb our emotions and reactions more than we see. Adults who are taking care of themselves are able to listen better, stay calmer when things get rough, and think more clearly. AND children need good models more than they need lectures. Children will learn how to live well when they see adults who are modeling wellness in their own lives and relationships, which includes asking for help for themselves when things get tough.
Parenting and helping children who are experiencing mental health and behavior challenges brings a myriad of emotions and thoughts- fear, anxiety, grief, shock, anger, hopelessness and helplessness. Parents, families and caregivers of children with severe behavior challenges may be traumatized by their behavior. Helpers who listen to children tell their stories of trauma and struggle may experience secondary trauma. If you know a family, teacher, therapist, social worker, doctor, nurse or other helper who are caring for a child who is struggling, be gentle with them. If you are a caregiver or helper, be gentle with yourself. It might mean giving yourself time to breathe and regroup, taking a parenting class, scheduling a few sessions with a therapist for yourself, taking advantage of all the supervision and colleague support you can get, becoming more educated on children's mental health and behavior challenges. Whatever you need to do to be a better caregiver- do it.
2. Listen to the story behind the symptoms.
Children are almost always referred for mental health treatment and therapy due to behavior issues. They can't pay attention at school. They won't follow directions. They get angry and blow up at the drop of a hat. They're getting into fights, can't keep their grades up and don't really seem to care how they're disciplined- nothing works. When I listen to the stories of these children I almost always hear stories of trauma- physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, significant deaths, hearing or seeing violence (Yes, what children watch on TV, hear on the radio, or play on video games does effect them. And yes, they can hear the fighting in the next room.), exposure to drug and alcohol abuse, having multiple guardians and separation from biological parents, even things like moving frequently, homelessness, or major injuries or illness. Often children have or are experiencing more than one of these, and they have no idea what to do with how they feel about this or the ways it changes how they think about their world.
What would you do if the moment you sat still all the pictures of someone hurting you came flooding back? Or if you see someone is getting angry with you, and usually that means getting hit? Or you didn't know if Mommy was safe while you were away? Or if you didn't know if you would be safe when you went home? Or everyone who is supposed to care for you hurts you, or leaves you, or dies?
Just today one of the Nurse Practitioners I work with said 90% of the children who are referred to her from schools or parents for ADHD medication have experienced trauma. I've had the same experience. Many of the symptoms associated with ADHD are also caused by anxiety- lack of concentration, rapid speech, fidgety, irritability, low frustration tolerance and easily angered. I have yet to meet a child with these behaviors who is not also experiencing some level of anxiety, and most likely that has stemmed from a story of trauma.
3. Take deep breaths.
The first "coping skill" I teach children is to breathe. We imagine a balloon in our bellies that gets bigger as we breathe in and smaller as we breathe out. It relaxes the body, gets more oxygen to their brain so they are able to think more clearly, gets them to pay attention to how their body feels, and helps them release whatever frustration or anxiety they're holding. We blow bubbles or a pinwheel to see how we can control our breath.
We also work on muscle relaxation. Doing "the turtle" teaches them to curl their bodies tightly inward and tense their muscles, then relax with a deep breath. Pushing their feet into the floor, clenching and releasing fists, or tensing and relaxing each muscle group in sequence helps release the emotional energy that is building up in their little bodies, and it shifts their focus away from unhelpful thoughts.
Coloring, playdoh, UNO, or bouncing a koosh ball are also favorites. These are helpful to give the hands something to do and get that worried or angry energy out. I keep a stack of mandala coloring sheets on my table that kids and teens (and me) will color while we talk. I create "special rules" for UNO or Jenga to help them tell me what they're thinking or feeling. When kids feel like they're playing, they don't realize that they're actually talking about important stuff.
Often our first reaction to "misbehavior" or "acting out" or strong emotions in children is to discipline. Perhaps we could help them change their behavior better by helping them learn how to cope with the emotions that led to that behavior.
4. Talk about emotions, lots of them.
I am often amazed at the lack of emotional vocabulary that children and teens have, and how difficult it can be for them to identify what they are feeling. Many are only able to identify "happy" "mad" or "sad". Unless children know how to "talk" about what they are feeling, the only way they know how to communicate their experience is through their behavior. No one, even an adult, is able to change their behavior successfully unless they have the self-awareness and emotional awareness to understand the behavior. Teaching children to be emotionally aware, and comfortable talking about what they are feeling, will form adults who are able to build healthy relationships and make choices to live well.
This is another great opportunity to get creative. It is more helpful and formative for a child if they are able to name their emotions themselves, rather than you or I telling them what they feel. While they need to know lots of different words for emotions and what they mean, they also need good listeners who do not judge their feelings. I often use color and art to help children identify different emotions. Or rating scales to identify the intensity. Or create games to match emotions with facial expressions, or situations, or thoughts and behavior, or coping skills. We also talk about feeling several emotions at the same time, and where we feel emotions in our bodies, and which emotions we show and which ones we hide, and how some emotions can be okay to feel (like anger) but can become unhealthy if we don't know how to cope with them.
5. DON'T ask Why.
Children usually do not have the ability to understand why, much less communicate it. Many adults don't even have this awareness. Asking a child why they did something and pressuring them to explain themselves only leads to the child feeling misunderstood, defensive and confused. That will almost always lead to them shutting down or blowing up. And yet adults just keep asking....
Adults have the ability to think about the world logically. We understand cause and effect. We can problem-solve somehow. If we could just understand why a child misbehaves or acts so impulsively, we/they could figure out how to fix it. But that's just not how it works. Children aren't able to think logically at the same level. They are still learning to problem-solve and think about what they are doing.
There are lots of ways to understand a situation without asking the "Why?" question- What was happening then? How did this happen? What were you thinking when that happened? How did you feel when....? What helps you to....? What makes it difficult to....? Asking these types of questions allows the child to talk about the situation openly without feeling they are being punished, and it invites them into the problem-solving process.
Children also don't always communicate best verbally. Sometimes they are better able to show you by drawing or writing about it. Children, especially younger children, communicate through their play. If you pay attention, the characters in their play may be living parts of the child's experience, or expressing the emotions of the child. A story about the picture they are coloring may be about them. This is how they are trying to understand how their world works. Pay attention to the emotion "language" the child connects with and learn to speak it with them.
6. Pay attention to your language.
The greatest barrier to asking for help with mental health challenges is the stigma surrounding mental illness. The language we use about children and adults, and their families, who experience these challenges speaks volumes to how unimportant they are to our society. Children are labeled "bad", "troubled", "disabled", "crazy", "wild". They're (intentionally or unintentionally) told that they need to say or do or be certain things in order to be "good", that they're not worthy, not able, that they don't belong. The more they are pushed away, the more they have to fight to find their place. And their families, many of whom have struggled with mental health for generations, have little to hold on to, to tell them that they are worthy and able to lead meaningful lives. Shifting our language to focus on strengths instead of problems opens space for healing and hope rather than more frustration and stress.
Children need to know that they belong. They know this, not just by hearing us say "I love you", but by the time we spend with them, the words we use to talk about them and to them, the look in our eyes when we see them. They need to know that they are good, no matter how much they struggle to conform their behavior or stay strong against the forces of depression and anxiety. They need adults who are able to see how hard they are trying and the good things they do, and shower praise on them. Children who are depressed or anxious or have a low self-esteem have a hard time believing those things themselves. Children who are trying to feel they belong by seeking attention will learn how to do this in a healthy way when adults around them celebrate their successes, no matter how small, more than punish their mistakes. They will know they belong when they are seen for who they are more than compared to their sibling or classmate or neighbor.
Children who experience mental health challenges are not "other" children. One of these is your student. Your patient. Your neighbor. Your sibling. Your child. These are the children who will one day (soon) be the adults who are forming the families of our communities. Let's work to help them heal NOW. Let's love them NOW. Let's listen to them and learn from them NOW. Let's invite them into our communities and homes NOW.
If you care for a child struggling with mental illness- Thank you! May you be blessed for this journey.
Monday, September 30, 2013
On the Threshold
I've been thinking a lot lately about thresholds. Crossing from "home" into something new has been the theme of my life (literally) the last few months- crossing from student into vocation, leaving the familiar to move into a new home, uprooting from the seminary community to shift into a life of transition and more unknowns. These weeks and months have been filled with everything transitions bring with them. Excitement and energy at exploring something new. Deep peace that comes with knowing I am doing what I am called to do. Disorientation. Catastrophizing any possible unknown I can think of until I can't breathe. And frequent "I can't find it!!!" whines. Who knew moving a couple blocks down the street could be so unsettling!
We all have thresholds to cross- the transitions of a new job, home, role, family, age. The disorientation of loss and grief. The unsettling of questions, doubt, shifting paradigms breaking the known and comfortable. Perhaps life is really a perpetual crossing of thresholds...
What is the threshold that you see before you? What does it ask of you? What is its invitation? What do you need to step into its space?
As I have journeyed across numerous thresholds, there are a few practices that have become important guides, or (if we're really going to take this threshold image far) doorposts to lean on. Perhaps one or two of these will also offer you strength and centering as you cross your threshold.
Markers & Rituals
Threshold and transitions are a transforming force in our lives, whether we recognize them or not. There is a reason why our history, cultures, even Scripture are rich with rituals and ways of marking thresholds. I've found that I am able to live into the threshold more authentically if I allow myself to name it in some way. Sometimes this has meant giving myself time to reflect on the past season and what space I am entering. Sometimes it's a celebration. Sometimes it's adopting a certain prayer practice through the transition. This has become a way for me to pay attention to what is happening, and to what I need at that time.
Centering Symbols
Along with a marker of transition, I have also needed visual symbols that I am able to return to, to bring myself back to a bit of center amidst the chaos and disorientation of change. I've often carried a toy top in my pocket, to remind myself that the spinning will eventually become more steady and still. During this last move, I needed to have something familiar amidst the stacks of boxes, something that would draw me into prayer when my mind was anything but quiet. So I unpacked a figurine of a praying woman, a candle, and a prayer book- simple enough, but a place where I could escape the to-do list in the morning before I began my day.
Friends and Companions
As I look back across the thresholds, most have faces of friends and companions who were present with me. Some faces have stayed the same, others have changed. Either way, I have needed those friends to celebrate with me, to pack a few boxes, to listen as I vented my worries, to let me know that I am not alone, and mostly to remind me that it's okay to feel a little crazy when I'm standing in the middle of a threshold.
Grace
It is in the crossing of a threshold that I most often need grace, and usually I need to receive that grace from myself more than anyone. I'm still learning this one.... It's true- it is OKAY to feel a little crazy in the middle of a threshold. I've learned/ am learning that it is okay to let go of expectations of when I should have things done, what my life should look like, what I should be doing.... the list could go on. And I'm learning that there does not need to be a time limit to crossing thresholds. I have my whole life ahead of me. Perhaps what is most important is to pay attention to where I am now, instead of where I want to be.
The only way to come home is to cross the threshold before us. I'm not so sure anymore that this is because what we long for and desire is waiting on the other side, as we often try to convince ourselves. It is because it is in the threshold that we discover where we belong. It is in this place, the space in between, that we come to know ourselves. It is in this space between that we live in the mystery. It is here that we catch glimpses of God who lives behind us, before us, and, most deeply of all, in the in-between.
When we allow ourselves to live on the threshold,
to look out the window at the new thing before us,
to open ourselves to the questions,
to give ourselves the freedom to struggle,
to step into the pain that crosses our journey,
we enter into an opening for grace, love, healing, joy.
With each day we take a step across the threshold, or stretch a toe into this space in-between, we move into the space where God meets us, transforms us, heals us, makes us new. And one day, as we step around unpacked boxes and things waiting to be gathered into their places, we begin to see "home" again. As we look back to where we came from, we will see that we were given exactly what we needed, and through the threshold we are given grace for the journey before us.
I placed the praying figurine and candle that I mentioned above on a small table in an enclosed porch at the front of my house. Beside it is a rocking chair that my parents gave my grandparents to rock me as an infant, and my grandparents then gave to me- a reminder that I am loved and cared for. I sit here with my coffee some mornings to watch the neighborhood come awake and pray for the coming day. This has been the place where I can let go of the boxes that still need to be unpacked and the projects that still need to be done and everything else that is calling for my attention, and return to the reason I entered this place- to live as a sign of God's love and hope. As I was pondering this transition, it struck me just yesterday that this space of prayer and centering is literally on the threshold of my new home.
The Spirit knows what we need long before we understand the depths of its truth. The Spirit will guide us through.
We all have thresholds to cross- the transitions of a new job, home, role, family, age. The disorientation of loss and grief. The unsettling of questions, doubt, shifting paradigms breaking the known and comfortable. Perhaps life is really a perpetual crossing of thresholds...
What is the threshold that you see before you? What does it ask of you? What is its invitation? What do you need to step into its space?
As I have journeyed across numerous thresholds, there are a few practices that have become important guides, or (if we're really going to take this threshold image far) doorposts to lean on. Perhaps one or two of these will also offer you strength and centering as you cross your threshold.
Markers & Rituals
Threshold and transitions are a transforming force in our lives, whether we recognize them or not. There is a reason why our history, cultures, even Scripture are rich with rituals and ways of marking thresholds. I've found that I am able to live into the threshold more authentically if I allow myself to name it in some way. Sometimes this has meant giving myself time to reflect on the past season and what space I am entering. Sometimes it's a celebration. Sometimes it's adopting a certain prayer practice through the transition. This has become a way for me to pay attention to what is happening, and to what I need at that time.
Centering Symbols
Along with a marker of transition, I have also needed visual symbols that I am able to return to, to bring myself back to a bit of center amidst the chaos and disorientation of change. I've often carried a toy top in my pocket, to remind myself that the spinning will eventually become more steady and still. During this last move, I needed to have something familiar amidst the stacks of boxes, something that would draw me into prayer when my mind was anything but quiet. So I unpacked a figurine of a praying woman, a candle, and a prayer book- simple enough, but a place where I could escape the to-do list in the morning before I began my day.
Friends and Companions
As I look back across the thresholds, most have faces of friends and companions who were present with me. Some faces have stayed the same, others have changed. Either way, I have needed those friends to celebrate with me, to pack a few boxes, to listen as I vented my worries, to let me know that I am not alone, and mostly to remind me that it's okay to feel a little crazy when I'm standing in the middle of a threshold.
Grace
It is in the crossing of a threshold that I most often need grace, and usually I need to receive that grace from myself more than anyone. I'm still learning this one.... It's true- it is OKAY to feel a little crazy in the middle of a threshold. I've learned/ am learning that it is okay to let go of expectations of when I should have things done, what my life should look like, what I should be doing.... the list could go on. And I'm learning that there does not need to be a time limit to crossing thresholds. I have my whole life ahead of me. Perhaps what is most important is to pay attention to where I am now, instead of where I want to be.
The only way to come home is to cross the threshold before us. I'm not so sure anymore that this is because what we long for and desire is waiting on the other side, as we often try to convince ourselves. It is because it is in the threshold that we discover where we belong. It is in this place, the space in between, that we come to know ourselves. It is in this space between that we live in the mystery. It is here that we catch glimpses of God who lives behind us, before us, and, most deeply of all, in the in-between.
When we allow ourselves to live on the threshold,
to look out the window at the new thing before us,
to open ourselves to the questions,
to give ourselves the freedom to struggle,
to step into the pain that crosses our journey,
we enter into an opening for grace, love, healing, joy.
With each day we take a step across the threshold, or stretch a toe into this space in-between, we move into the space where God meets us, transforms us, heals us, makes us new. And one day, as we step around unpacked boxes and things waiting to be gathered into their places, we begin to see "home" again. As we look back to where we came from, we will see that we were given exactly what we needed, and through the threshold we are given grace for the journey before us.
I placed the praying figurine and candle that I mentioned above on a small table in an enclosed porch at the front of my house. Beside it is a rocking chair that my parents gave my grandparents to rock me as an infant, and my grandparents then gave to me- a reminder that I am loved and cared for. I sit here with my coffee some mornings to watch the neighborhood come awake and pray for the coming day. This has been the place where I can let go of the boxes that still need to be unpacked and the projects that still need to be done and everything else that is calling for my attention, and return to the reason I entered this place- to live as a sign of God's love and hope. As I was pondering this transition, it struck me just yesterday that this space of prayer and centering is literally on the threshold of my new home.
The Spirit knows what we need long before we understand the depths of its truth. The Spirit will guide us through.
May you carry this blessing with you into the threshold.
May it give you the vision to name this new place.
May it give you courage to step into this space.
May it be your companion through the struggle.
May it give you strength to lean on.
May it draw you into your center.
May it be the measure of grace you need to be here.
May it lift your eyes and open your heart to mystery.
May it surround you, enfold you, flow within you.
May it lead you into the presence of God,
who waits for you
on the threshold.
And if you need a friend along the way, come on over. We'll make some tea and sit together on the threshold.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Rooted
Every time I get on here to write a new post, I'm astonished at the date of my last post. Has it really been that long!? Finishing grad school, starting a new job and moving has made for a very busy spring and summer, sometimes leaving me with less time for reflection. Along with these transitions, my writing energies in the last few months have been directed toward things like worship resources and published articles, leading me to wonder if continuing a blog is really worth it. But, occasionally something comes up that would be more fitting for a blog post. And, as I start to feel more settled into life again, I'm hoping to use more time for writing and reflection. So, we'll see how it goes.... :)
This spring, as I transitioned from the role of student into the roles of my vocation, I found myself drawn toward images of trees. I also wanted to work with an image of circle, a practice of giving and receiving and presence that has shaped me in profound ways in the last few years. This image of a tree at the center of Circle, receiving the gifts of Life and Spirit, and offering its own gifts back into the Circle, has become a guiding metaphor and icon.
Sometimes when I begin creating I will also encounter words that accompany the image. This time I came across a passage from St. Catherine of Sienna-
What is nourishing you these days? How are you connecting to the source of Life? What gifts are you called to release as offerings into your world?
This spring, as I transitioned from the role of student into the roles of my vocation, I found myself drawn toward images of trees. I also wanted to work with an image of circle, a practice of giving and receiving and presence that has shaped me in profound ways in the last few years. This image of a tree at the center of Circle, receiving the gifts of Life and Spirit, and offering its own gifts back into the Circle, has become a guiding metaphor and icon.
Sometimes when I begin creating I will also encounter words that accompany the image. This time I came across a passage from St. Catherine of Sienna-
"Imagine a circle traced on the ground, an in its center a tree sprouting with a shoot grafted into its side. The tree finds its nourishment in the soil within the expanse of the circle, but uprooted from the soil it would die fruitless. So think of the soul as a tree made for love and living only by love.... The circle in which this tree's root, the soul's love, must grow is true knowledge of herself, knowledge that is joined to me, who like the circle have neither beginning nor end. You can go round and round within this circle, finding neither end nor beginning, yet never leaving the circle....
So the tree of charity is nurtured in humility and branches out in true discernment.... To me this tree yields the fragrance of glory and praise to my name, and so it does what I created it for and comes at last to its goal, to me, everlasting Life."
What is nourishing you these days? How are you connecting to the source of Life? What gifts are you called to release as offerings into your world?
May you be nourished by the love of God,
even into the deepest roots of your soul.
May you freely release the gifts of your soul
into this endless Circle of Life and Love.
May you become what you are truly created for-
for love and living only by love.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
White Rhetoric
Today, as I watch the snow falling outside, I find my mind turning often to
the questions of this season-
the dissonance of contrasts,
the silences,
the never-ending, persistent falling,
the changing, the hiding, of what is known,
the burying, hibernating,
waiting.
Mary Oliver's "First Snow" seems fitting-
the questions of this season-
the dissonance of contrasts,
the silences,
the never-ending, persistent falling,
the changing, the hiding, of what is known,
the burying, hibernating,
waiting.
Mary Oliver's "First Snow" seems fitting-
The snow
began here
this morning and all day
continued, its white
rhetoric everywhere
calling us back to why, how, whence such beauty and what
the meaning; such
an oracular fever! flowing
past windows, an energy it seemed
would never ebb, never settle
less than lovely! and only now,
deep into night,
it has finally ended.
The silence
is immense,
and the heavens still hold
a million candles, nowhere
the familiar things:
stars, the moon,
the darkness we expect
and nightly turn from. Trees
glitter like castles
of ribbons, the broad fields
smolder with light, a passing
creekbed lies
heaped with shining hills;
and though the questions
that have assailed us all day
remain — not a single
answer has been found –
walking out now
into the silence and the light
under the trees,
and through the fields,
feels like one.
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