I feel it.
its this joy and satisfaction that fills me up.
makes me want to strive.
drives me to do more.
and i know its never going to end.
(:
you know the good old quote-
when you love what you're doing,
you'll just keep going. (:

and that feeling is simply awesome.
maybe one day you might feel it.
but when it hits you,
you'll finally come to understand why successful people usually say they are doing what they love.
i'm not implying that i've achieved great success.
but honestly.
to me right now,
success, is,
having great friends who care and love you,
having found somebody you love and care for,
having family members alive and around,
having passed academic examinations,
having a healthy and happy physique,
and having lived life. to the max.

maybe i'm not entirely successful and great.
but i know i have achieved what i set out to achieve to become a successful being.
(:


i confess; something kept flashing in my mind.
it was something from Ruth- she said,
"God didn't promise smooth journeys,
but he promised safe landings."

yeah, if you know me,
you'll probably raise an eyebrow and start wondering,
since when did i put my faith in this God i locked out from my heart years ago again?
well.
since now.
logically speaking-
i know i'd definitely be more practical to put faith in my abilities and start cracking to things get done.
rather than sit around,
keep faith, and hope something happens.
However!
I just realized,
i'd be just as logical to keep faith, NOT sit around, and start cracking. (:
at least faith serves as a form of intrinsic motivation.

i'm not sure how Ruth and FloFlo and Melvin thinks.
but i know we're all gonna pull through this together.
and still do an AMAZING job. (:
great going! way to go! woohoO!

haha!
the dive trip after exams is CONFIRMED!
woohoo~
and I'm excited!

but before all that drowns me.
i have to get through my exams.
heehee.
and i think i'll just do it.
CHIONG CHIONG CHIONG CHIONG.

:D goodluck zy, ruth and flo!
and i wish TB21 and TB22 all the luck i have left.

emotional turmoil;
i feel for you even though you're miles away.
its no wonder why we're cousins in this lifetime.
your frustrations. your sorrows. your rage.
we could almost be feeling the same thing all at once.
(:

moms are moms.
that's probably how the term drama mama came about.
one moment they're all nice and sweet,
and the next they're devils with whips.

being dragged into this huge whirlpool was voluntary.
yet, its driving me nuts.
i'm flesh and blood. i feel, like every other human.
hurting either would adversely hurt me too.
it's a huge regret.
but sadly,
money does reveal the nasty side of humans.
it makes the world go round.
everyday, billions and gazillions of humans are working they're asses off to earn more stacks of paper printed with dollar signs and numbers.
or else, they're just striving to survive their debts.
money drives people to desperation.
its a vicious cycle,
where the rich gets richer;
and the poor gets poorer.
until you break out of it.

excuses. excuses.
blames.
defamation.
slander.
if only that could all stop.
and everyone understood how money was destroying them.
then life would be peaceful and harmonious.
then probably insanity, suicide and divorce rates will fall.
oh wells.

it was a great escapade.
being surrounded by thousands of humans who have that burning passion i used to have.
having familiar melodies serenade me in the comfort of the theater arm chair.
experiencing nostalgia and recalling fond memories once held so dear.
those bitter sweet moments of glory and pain.
(:


i'm really sorry my dear.
for all the times i made you frown.
just know i love you very much too. <3
(:

projects are all done! :D
and today was great.
presentation. lunch. gym.

i'm so sorry ruth! We'll definitely get you through the orientation okay! (:
then we can start working out altogether!
:D

presentation was fantabulous,
though we missed out a lot of details we deemed essential to cover everything we had.
but. that feeling of being up in front,
and having people staring at you with jaws wide open;
- was great.
i have to admit.
toggle. input boxes. msg boxes. ranges. sheets. selection. subs. with. ifs. then.
its amazing how macros work in excel.
and even more when you make it work in front of people who can't figure them out.
(:
all in all.
a great job well done. haha.

lunch with zhuang ying, ruth and flo was great. (:
had loads of fun teasing the girls.
HEEHEE. (really sorry if i did go overboard.)
but it has been a long time since we really had so much fun at lunch together! :D

and even though ruth didn't manage to make it back for gym orientation,
i guess we got over that slight stage of depression pretty quickly.
gym-ming was FUN! with agnes, zhuang ying and flo. (plus all those pretty girls dancing in the aerobics room) heehee
did 30 minutes of cardio workout, and heaps of muscle toning.
(ROAR - gary, toning of muscles is not TANNING. -.-)


OKAY- no more projects.
TIME TO HAVE FUN!!!!!

because sounds creates illusions.
and words creates assumptions.
and wrong impressions and hideous deceptions put across incorrect messages.
misinterpretation lead to misconception.
and bogus conclusions arises.

don't presume and make it sound true.
don't tell me what i already told you and make it sound like your own.
don't lay out my future and include yourself inside.

the truth, would be seen with my eyes.
lies. all just a pack of lies.
every school educates their student's on plagiarism.
so at least give me credit on what i said before.
my future is my own.
i plan it the way i want it to be.
i put people in, and throw them out.
not you. not anyone else.


if only people could read minds.
then they would have known how it would have felt at that point of time.
that miserable, desperate feeling of being pushed to a corner with no where to turn.
the feeling of being bombarded with reasons and plans to go a certain way you never would have picked.
if only they knew what i felt.
if only they knew what i really went through.
if only they knew their plans will never fit into my own.
if only they knew.

then probably.
they would understand that even though what they laid out were pretty much beneficial to me.
what i'm doing for myself now will truly benefit me.

now- my only outlet to vent, is to rant.
i've considered all the probabilities.
i can't possibly retaliate. they love me.
i can't possibly go into isolation. they'll think i'm crazy.
i can't possibly get angry. it isn't anybody's fault.
i can't possibly go crazy. it's just insanity.
so all i do, is rant endlessly.
and then i realise-
the only way to truly stop this misery;
is to give in relentlessly.
it seems like every other way wouldn't work.

the only way i make myself feel better- is to escape.
escape from the pressure source.
escape from reality.
escape from what i really need to face.
maybe,
all i need is that little bit of courage to stand my ground.
just maybe.

i really really have to thank floflo and zhuangying and ruth for hearing me rant and bearing with my queerest of behaviors in the past few days.
(: love you guys to the limit.

projects due. projects done. (: sigh.
what a semester.
now its time to excel in the final exam.
(:


is it possible to be right beside somebody,
yet miss him all so much at the same time?

its incredulous-
using a lie to cover up for a lie which hides the truth to yet another lie.
the deception is deep.
flawless delusions that were planned so well.
traps laid out perfectly to kill.
be wary. be cautious. thread really carefully.
sometimes. when good deeds turn bad.
it just means that you haven't paid the price.
and when you do, it would be too late.

drifting. drifting.
far away.
the flame is flickering.
and i'm going insane.

rahhhhhhhhh;

I feel like a retard-

I'M SO SORRY POW POW!
sorry sorry.
T.T

how silly of me to cook one entire pot of sliced fish udon for nobody.
T.T
ohya- there's still me.
haha!

lalala~

cannot tolerate my defense mechanisms?
then don't trigger them.
i give fore warnings.
when i say it,
i mean it.
so heed it and go away.

this post is dedicated to my dearest boyfriend. haha.

WELLLLLLLLL-
its not every year someone turns 18;
so I think its REALLY SPECIAL!
and you're really LOVED AND CHERISHED.
maybe your birthday wasn't as fantabulous.
but I bet it was FANTASTIC!
(at least Mr Sunshine was up all day smiling at YOU! HEHEH)

SO: its a birthday-
and on birthdays.. YOU GET DROWNED WITH 3 WORDS!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY GARY!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GARY! ******
******this list is not exhaustive.

haha. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST GARY!
and i bet ALL your DREAMS and WISHES will COME TRUE!
be they short, long, sweet, evil, pleasant, nasty etc etc.
and i know you'll be blessed- inside, outside, up, down, left, right, centre etc etc.
just know that you're loved by everyone around you- like him and her and him and her and him and her and him and her and him and her and him and her and him and her and him and her etc etc.

haha.
and i know your 18th birthday means even better birthdays to come. (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GARY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GARY!

roar.
i think my brains have turned into fried tofu.
my temperature has been running at 39 degrees Celsius for 2 days already.
and the amount of pills i've consumed within 2 days are sufficient to fill my tummy for a meal.
my mum also barred me from leaving the streets of hougang.
great.
fantastic.

my brains are still boiling currently.
and porridge with bovril seems to be the only food that floats in my tummy.
I WANT FISHBALL NOODLES!! T.T
(okay, thats just a craving. haha.)

tralala.
i'm going to get knocked out soon from my second dose of panadol for the day.

tick tick tick tick.
SOMEBODY'S BIRTHDAY IS APPROACHING!
haha.

hectic hectic.
little sleep and so much to do.
sometimes, work may be fun.
but to some extend, it wears us out physically.
proof?
many many humans are falling ill!
OH NO.
i really hope every one gets well soon. (:

today was a lot fun with ruth.
loads and loads of it.
seriously, i must say,
ruth is special! (:
(and she sounds really cute when she speaks the filipino language.)
heehee.
okay, i was born in singapore.
but never have i felt so foreign in my homeland before.
hearing the whole family interact over at her house was shockingly amazing. (:
its a nice blend of so many cultures under one roof. haha.
YEAP. under RUTH's ROOF. xD (and you get = ROOTH) lol
well..
thats really inspiring.
i know i'm just as blessed. to have her beside me.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TODAY RUTH! (: and sushi was delightfully delicious. haha.


and now i'm off to regain some much needed sleep.
as the saying always goes-
when the going gets tough,
the tough gets going. :D

loads. of. misses. <3

haha;
i've decided to upload photos from the early birthday celebration of VICTOR; YUEYUE; and SAM! :D
and of course: HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICTOR (its TODAY!)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUEAN! and SAM TOO! (i know its tml. but! better to be early. haha!)
(:

so we spent the day at downtown east. roaming about E!Hub and catching up with everyone else.
i had loads of fun! :D
okay, here goes.


here's some of us. the 2 girls in the middle were born on the SAME DAY! 3rd JULY! hehs. its incredulous.


and this is the ENTIRE group. (: the other birthday boy is entirely black and in the middle! haha. :D





and here's 2 pictures of the group that stuck with me through thick and thin in NC. seriously, there are LOADS of reasons why i love them so so much. (: haha.
hehehe- and arthur's mohawk still looks cool. xD


and this is the BIRTHDAY BOY! VICTOR ahh. :P (he said it was bunny ears. but i thought it looked more like feelers. haha.)


then we began to snap photos when going down the escalator! :D


and here's our weak attempt to promote my blazing red vaio.
HEEHEE. and the 2 pretty ladies beside me are much much loved and treasured. (:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUEAN! :D


ah,
staring at the pictures warms my heart so much. (:
life would never be the same without all of them! :D

and i can't wait to see gary soon. :(
heehee. NEW HAIRSTYLE.

today was hectic.
work loads up to my neck, and responsibilities weighing down on me.
it felt worse since my brain was burning and my head was splitting up.
i tried to do some work on the MRT as usual,
but i chanced upon the affinity to experience a ride with 2 most interestingly distracting ladies.
the first was a Vietnamese.
initially, she just sat there demure, and quiet.
but she was a nightmare when she picked up the phone.
her shrill voice was utterly disturbing.
and it was made worse when she amplified it to me by placing her hand over her mouth.
-.-
so she kind of defeated the purpose of trying to quieten down with her kind intention of reducing noise traveling way out.
RAH.
and Vietnamese seriously sounds Vietnamese.

the second queer lady was yet another demure and quiet albino.
okay, this time round, she was really quiet.
she made no noise. not a sound.
i couldn't even hear her breathing.
BUT!
her delicate white hands kept shaking and shaking and shaking and shaking and shaking and shaking non stop.
and her eyes were fixed on my ms word document.
the best part?
my laptop's brightness was pretty low,
so it reflected that sharp glow from her blue pupils.
woah, and that seriously freaked me out.
in the end,
i felt so relieved that i dropped off at outram park.
end of a torturous train ride.
haha.

rushing towards the post office took a great toll on me too.
squeezing through the crowd at clementi central when you're pressed for time is a chore.
and i got really irritated at some point of time.
there's always this thing about walking behind people of a larger human form than yourself. (no offense but..)
they stroll.
and the best part is, they cannot detect anything behind them because their vision scope is blocked by themselves.
ROAR.
serious!
and i have to do the bend it like beckham thing,
make a huge round about them,
before rushing off again.
this equals to extra work done.
extra joules used up.

lol. oh wells.
enough of me ranting.


from the view of an outsider.
i see how fragile human relationships can be.
it breaks without warning.
every word means a tonne.
i just wonder,
how these 2 humans recover so quickly.
and fall back into the trap they just got out of.
its amazing how it works.
and it probably goes to show how much they used to cherish each other.
maybe this is reality.
and what i thought it should be was non-existent.
the feeling of having the world with someone in your arms disappear the moment emotions are no longer attached.
memories once held so dear vanishes.
and yeah, forever.
(that's one favorite word use to deceive right? since it doesn't exist.)
it is no wonder, why faith seldom build up over time.
conflicts make it worse.
jealousy degrades it.
hatred ends it.


maybe, just maybe.
i'll stop behaving like an immature brat.
and just grow up and face facts.
i'll probably consider solving problems upfront too.
just like how it used to be.

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.