Well, maybe its because I'm distressed. But I know I'm not. All I know is, I'm blogging out of utter rashness.

I'm not angry. Neither am I upset. I'm just feeling blank. Whatever I'm doing, is whatever my heart tells me to.

Right now, I want to tell the whole wide world, that I'm willing to be the one that suffers. Suffer what? Everything. (: Because it hurts so much more to let someone close to you feel the pain, when you could have bore it yourself.

Just one day after I've made a promise to myself, to be a better friend. I failed it.

I've failed as a friend, to my mother.
I've failed as a friend, to my sister.
I've failed as a friend, to my boyfriend.

As a daughter, I have made her worry, time and again. Made her feel insecure. Made her doubt. Made her upset. Made her mad.
It a was simple task. All I had to do was tell her where I was, who I was with, what I was doing.
But I was rebellious, I wanted my 'oh-so-important' privacy. I rejected her calls. I made up excuses. I made her worry again.

My sister, needed encouragement, time and again. Yet I always thought the way to go was to tell her how she could do better, how she could improve, or how she could have achieved more. She always gave me a frown, and she kept quiet.
Now when I thought about it, I realized I was wrong. The encouragement she needed was not how she could have done better, but the recognition of the effort she has put in to achieve what she thought has done her proud.
But I was negligent. I put her down. I brushed her aside. I discouraged her again.

I was the most fortunate girl on earth, with Gary always by my side. He is on attachment, and I'm on holiday. I realized I have all the time on earth to do all that I've wanted. And I started to take him for granted.
I receive a sweet message, and I thought to myself: I'll reply later.
I hear him cough on the phone, and I thought to myself: Should I get him a drink? Nah, he might not like it.
I realize he's yawning after work and he wants to go for supper, and I thought to myself: Should I get him home instead? Nah, I'm hungry.
All I had to do was listen to my heart, love him a little more and show him a little more affection.
But I didn't. I shut my heart up. I became selfish. I took him for granted again.


Well, I guess I have to wake up from my little dream. It takes two hands to clap. I should have realized a long time back that I cause such things to occur, too.
My mother wouldn't go mad if I weren't so rebellious.
My sister would be more confident if I were more understanding.
My boyfriend would feel more loved if I had been more selfless.

Well. I've been smiling away like a dongdong in dismay. Sylvia, its time to be a better friend.

It has been days, if not weeks, since I've last blogged. I shan't come up with an excuse on why I haven't been doing so, but any oh how, I'm sure I haven't wasted away the time passed.

Just checking my scheduler on my e66, I realized it was fully packed from day 1 of march till 2100hrs yesterday. I've spent much time with my dearests, engrossed myself with projects, and kept myself alive - going through the release of results to the selection of timetables.

Pretty much normal, I guess. Till I thought about myself.

It's normal how I love the way I spend my time with the people I surround myself with. I go mad, I speak my mind, I rant out loud, and I just let my hair down. My friends love me. And I love them too; especially because they take me as I am, and partially because they are so adorable. They just make me so happy, and living life seems to be pleasurable every minute.

Then on the ride home, it finally struck me.



I dawdled on it for the entire journey, and I came to a gradual conclusion: I must have been a real jerk.

I closed my eyes for a moment. Pictured myself as who I am now, and imagined how I would judge myself from a third person point of view. I took a deep breath, and told myself to be really honest.

I came across as a stubborn, strong - willed, nasty tempered, and exaggerated person. I have mastered the art of a great Fabulist, excelled in Sarcasm, and relented to the lure of gabbling. This wasn't good, especially when it came from Myself, to Myself.

If I thought of myself to be someone with such bad qualities, then I suppose my friends must have had a tough time putting up with me all this while. I must have been a real jerk. They should have hated me, threw me aside, and ignored me for the rest of their lives.

Right now, as I caress my dear Dale with my index finger, I realized how fragile it was. Yet, it has helplessly entrusted its safety entirely to a unknown giant whom it cannot communicate with. An unknown giant who has a dozen lousy qualities. An unknown giant who may cause it harm in haste.

Dale just looks up, nibbles at my fingers, and rolls around. His look of affection just makes me love it more. Now I know, he doesn't bother if I just insisted that he took a sand bath before I could take him out of the cage or egged him to run 3 times on the wheel before I gave him a treat, he just knew I was going to caress him, and shower him with a bit of attention. And he loved that; and me.

So here I am, with adorable Dale. And I start to really appreciate the friends and family I have around me.
The nasty Sylvia.
The naughty Sylvia.
The sarcastic Sylvia.
The exaggerated Sylvia.
The talkative Sylvia.
They just took me as I was. They never resented me. Neither have they tried to change me. The best part? : They Love Me.

I feel so fortunate to just be living the life I have now. With my boyfriend, the girls, the boys, my sister, my brother, my mother, my father, my cousins, and my aunts. I must be the happiest girl on earth right now.

I'm not sure what kind of a friend I have been to the world before. But for now, and forever more, I'm sure I want to be a better one.
A friend who would do her best for all her friends.
A friend who would do no harm to them.
A friend who would pick them up when they fall.
A friend who would pat their backs and make them feel warm.
A friend who would be there, whenever they need her.
A good friend. (:

I've found my answer. What the world needs now, is a friend. (:

As usual, when it hits the time of the month, I become severely depressed, moody, and discouraged. It feels like nobody can ever cheer me up, or like I can never cheer up.

The sky's unusually dark, the rain has stretched over an unusually long period of time, and the whole world seems to be horrifying. Even my nightmare daunts me.

Probably all that I've thought about is true. I'm terrible. And I failed as a human living on this earth. I should probably cease to exist from the next second on. Life seems to be a torture every minute. I can't focus, and I can't accomplish anything.

This is absolutely psychotic. Yeah, I am Psychotic.

Its 5th of March, and the holidays isn't that bad as I said it to be. Its just about me.

I think I'm hysterical. I love to exaggerate. I let my thoughts run wild. I resist change. I demand more.

And that would probably sum up the reasons how I always find myself so discontented with everything I have. Friends. Family. and the People Around Me.
So i suppose its time I start to appreciate. Love the people around me. Stop expecting more of them. Learn to grow with them. And accept change graciously.

weeeee~

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.