Sallow tunes, heart wrenching pain; they all came back altogether.
Singing tunes of disgrace, I tremble hard in my shadows.
Hiding, shaking, filled with fear-
Gracious God, how do I remember;
Treading on my painful past-
Across my memories.

Keeping pace, standing tall, I know I might fall again. Helping hands, grateful words, kindness overwhelms my empty heart.

Because such suffering, and pointless games, keeps me up through my slumber.

I'm not sure why, but I feel uncomfortable.
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Blasting my music to cover my screaming thoughts - I'm thinking so much I can't stop. I sit and stare, wondering what really went wrong.

Forgotten memories and erased ambitions. I gave up too much and achieved too little. Fighting for what I once lost seems meaningful but tormenting.
I wrench in spite as I recall the place of promise and hopes.

Spend some time in my gravity. I want to show you my world. Cause I want to show you how much this world means to me. And how much it will be to you.
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I don't trust myself sometimes I guess - I'd rather seek solace in something or someone else.

But today, I had faith, and I trusted myself completely. And now I know the direction I must take to remain the girl I know myself to be.

Nature shall draw her trails for me to follow, no matter. I'll go wherever she takes me to. (:
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Awakened today by the sound of a familiar voice;
Soothing, calm - it brought me to life.
Short, sweet pauses and kindness filled words;
I felt like an infant, all wrapped up in swirls.

Its a reflection of life, the true meaning exposed. Human beings alike, they love being told - how well they've done, how great they've been, how awesome their love is, how pure their heart and deeds.

I listen with fervor, I want to know more. Curiosity kills me. But I just want it all.
Some times I forget, how time would just fly. And some times I forget, I have more to my life.

So here I am thinking; sighing with deep thoughts. Dwelling in curiosity just keeps you up; strong. I just can't fall deeper, or else I may stall.

Listening with fervor. Holding back thoughts. I know I'll do well, with all that I've got. (:
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Shuffling between the ends of a balancing act, I try hard to push down moments of pure emotions that rush out of my gut. I know my weaknesses and my flaws ever so clearly now - I see them clearer than before.

Convincing myself to take the right track, I always find reasons to stray. Betraying my thoughts and following my hearts seems to be the way to go to stay right.

Fingers numb. Shoulders stiff. Hearts pounding fast.
This is Earth's cruel reality, and the best thing is - it lasts.

My head's throbbing, throat real sore - I feel heavy, pain, and listless. To think a friend could take me as a joke, to make his friends laugh - what a jerk.

Sometimes true sincerity doesn't beget the same. I get it, but it still sucks.
Sleeping now. Busy as can be tomorrow!


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I'm feeling down. I know that deep under. I don't even know how long I keep up because I'm losing myself with every step I take.
Because I used to say, 'whatever comes our way, we'll see it through".
Now my energy's halved. I'm not sure how I'm even walking again. haha.

I'm probably PMS-ing. Things around me just don't interest me much anymore. I hate being alone. And I'm not sure where I'm headed towards right now.

Feeling wasted and so queasy. I just wished I could close my eyes and see a cup of Jumbo Yami Yoghurt appear right before me to brighten up my day. Too bad - I'll have to get it myself.

Listening to songs alone in the room, I never knew life could feel this way. I'm really blessed to have new friends come my way and encourage me. (: Really grateful for them.
I'm even more grateful for the friends who stood by me all the way no matter what decisions I made.
I'll pick myself up. But I know it's gonna take longer than I know.

I felt like I was on my death bed today. Felt like I was living my last day on Earth.
Every single sight I took in shook me hard. Every thought I embraced made my eyes well up.

The only way to make it stay, would be to hold on. Because only then will I truly understand - the healing grace of God.

Heal me. In time I know I will be

Fondling with my heart, I sometimes shake out vivid memories once lost deep down within me. Self discovery has always been a great source of motivation; but rediscovery brings motivation to a whole new level.

It puts me under great distress, to resolve the confusion that arises due to conflict between your new discovery and what you once knew. Sometimes you even realise, such differences may be the cause of unhappiness, and the change that was discovered on the road of self discovery.

But because its me, I know I will face it no matter how tough it may be. I know I may waver, but regaining composure is just as easy.
Because its me, I trust that I will.
Because its me, I know that I must.
Because its me, I want, so I can.

Because its me.

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I didn't realize how late it was already until I happened to glance at the clock at 5.
Turned my head a little and freaked out at the face printed on the cover of my sister's latest book collection: "Serial Killers".

Clutching the glue stick tighter, and rubbing it off the back of the picture I just cut from 'Asian Divers', I was determined to make the mark of 12 chapters before I went to bed.

Bus tickets, gift wrappers, silly manuals, photos, and scribbles. Each of them had a story to tell. Like the flyer I designed for Vertex. Or the PADI sticker I got from my Diving Instructor Bryan Knight.

To me, the best way to bring memories back ever so vividly, was to tell the story of these little snippets of paper and pieces that we were always so oblivious to.
They seem real worthless just hanging around the house; but become precious when they're placed together. :)

I'll take my time to complete it I guess. And I'll want to be the person to pen down the stories, each and everyone of them - just like penning down the love stories for every item in the book.

That will be my love story; and my life story. (:

*a late post for 5th May 2010.


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My head's throbbing real hard right now. And my mum's going insane again.
Her curfew hours are crazy. And she is crazier.

Hurling abusive words and threats are just the tip of the iceberg.
Then comes the violent actions and abuse.
Words that strike like knives sharp and fresh. Violence that leave painful memories on the heart and flesh.

No where to turn to, no voice to scream - my brain throbs intensely as I force myself to calm down. Sometimes I wish she would love me more - love me sweetly and hold me dear. Now I force myself to sleep - clinging on hopes and living in fear.

What pain and torture - my mum's overbearing love and treacherous philosophies. Demanding absolute command and domination in my life, when I know I have my decisions to make.

My heart's slowly shredding away. And its always suffering that hurts more than death. Mustering courage and enduring the pain, I pull away from my home I fear most. How crazy it is to find myself safe, in a place where danger lurks in the human heart.

Dwelling in self pity and suppressing my pain, I split my thoughts up and let live, yet another day.
Maybe tomorrow's better and today will end great. Self consolation works, mostly in solace.

I long for protection. I yearn for peace. A shoulder to cry on in times of need. Right now I look towards Brutes and I really wonder - how much secrets have I told him when all are in slumber?
I desire the time when I can wake up and sleep, in comfort, love and heartwarming peace.
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24 months, and a couple of days and hours. It feels delightful to have had someone
remain faithful and had his attention and love showered on you ever so graciously.

Maybe this wasn't a feeling of love. It was something greater, a lil more subtle in expression, much stronger in spirit.
I still remember the triangle drawn, with us sitting at the 2 far ends, aiming to reach the last point at the peak - to understand one another better.
That really brought us closer.

2 years: reminded me about my journey through self discovery.
He taught me love, in the purest of forms. Where hand in hands was sincere care;
Where embraces were true concern.
Where kind words were life transforming;
Where meticulous deeds showed love.

It may have been the longest journey I've ever taken with someone so dear, and I'm kinda lovin' every second of it.

Because he's endearing, so faithful and loving; I know I'll never live to regret it.

I love you; my gregarious darling. :) May you always stay strong and by my side.

Happy Anniversary Gary!

P.S I guess I have to learn to love right. And express it right.
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Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.