I'm suddenly struck by the possibility, that I might have Karma.

It was proven to me in the past 5 minutes, that good begets good. And evil, would only beget evil.

When I boarded the bus to Ngee Ann, I found a seat, and sat down. But when an elderly looking lady came on board, I gave up my seat to her. Now that's just gonna mean that I've got good karma right.
Within minutes after I settled down in another seat at the back of the bus, I was shown concern, by an uncle who was asking if I needed to close the air con because of my sniffing.

In an instance, I realised such karma stuff could exist. I'm not trying to praise myself here.

What I'm trying to say is, what about the times when I hurt the people around me. Say things that stung. Did things that never considered the other party? What about the times when I had caused emotional trauma - in my own senseless bid to 'save' the other person from 'more' hurt? What about the times when I would just crazily plunge into selfish foolishness and forgo everything else the world has done for my because of my rashness and impulsion?

I feel like a spoilt brat. Like the only person I've ever considered was myself. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that maybe I've taken measures to care for another person - it just boils down to the fact that I'm just naively thinking everyone else thinks and reacts the same way I do.

And for that. I know I'll have bad karma. Really bad karma.
And today I add two more words to my list. Think more. Do more. Speak less.
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Had a feast with my sister today for lunch. Burgers, takos, drinks, pastry, soup and all the weird snacks you can find in a pasar malam.

Nothing exotic, but extremely fulfilling. Spent some time chit chatting too. :) I'm really proud to be the sister of my sister. Haha!
She's really easy going. Really trusting. And full of life. :) Times spent with her are always filled with lots of fun and laughter. :)

The journey on the train to school feels a lil colder than usual - literally. The only way to keep warm was to keep moving. My eye flit around to scan my surroundings, with people moving to the rhythm of the song playing from my playlist.

Secondary school students spending the last of their holidays out in pretty dresses and polished shoes. Primary school kids hanging out with their parents with stern faces, wondering when they could leave their side and become 'independent'.

How fun it is, to be just taking your time to do the things you wanna do. Taking time to rest in the finished work of the Omega. I'll find rest in all that I do. :)

I'm starting to regain composure from my insane self. My fleeting thoughts, and extreme emotions. I'm not even focused on anything.

I owe the world too many things. I need to catch up. I don't want to miss out. I want to do more. :)
Speak less. Do more. Maybe I should do just that.
Speak less. Do more.
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I know I can make believe that decisions, no matter how hard it is to make them, are easy to follow through. I shall follow through, no matter how slight the doubt.

But I guess I could use a wish right now. :|

Today was fun. :) Zhuangzhuang serenades the world with her voice. :) and the fun explodes when she sets her emotions free. :D

Time to get to work now! :D
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Expectations. Expectations. Expectations.
Its drowning me. If only we really could be that kid in our hearts. When we never expected anything from anyone.

We could only hope. Hold on to dreams. And do all we could to fulfill them.

Now everyone's throwing something at me.
To improve. To follow. To lead. To set. To do. To understand. To read. To listen. To learn. To show. To tell.

Roar. Okay. I'm just ranting.


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Not sure why, but I've so many things going on in my mind, I can't decide what I should write about. I've been whirling around the same few topics in my head, I'm going crazy.

Sometimes I wonder if my irrational decisions would bring me harm than good - and I concluded that it might just bring me to my doom.

I'm gonna need to start yet another rigid routine to keep me on task and on track. Keep faith. Keep trusting. Keep loving. Keep sharing. Keep believing. Keep growing. Keep helping. Keep holding on to all that I hold on to.

I just have to keep to it.
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As usual, HighPoint was again, at its peak. Zero cost, lots of sponsorship and a office full of passionate and sincere people who made the entire event possible. I'm touched by how much they've persevered without much effort, humbly citing great accomplishments to be made possible simply by the grace of God.

I recall much of what happened 2 years back when Vertex was brainstormed. I studied close to 80 words in the dictionary - in hopes of finding the best adjective that could describe the 5 pronged event we came up with. Steven back then was only the Halfway House Manager. And Melvin, Flo, Rooth and I were novices, taking a bet and jutting our heads into every possibility to generate the most out of our seed funding from Citibank.

The people I met then have grown up faster than me. Steven is now the Public Relations Manager who owns a DSLR with tonnes of lenses and does professional photo shoots.
Kenny has grown and gone out to work. Caleb has also gone out to work with his skills and great interpersonal skills. And now there's Jack with his great smile, sincerity and lots of spontaneity. Gabriel with his jokes and great personality. And a whole bunch of other people I really like. With Jessie, Angela and Ps Daniel and Ps Guna.

They always welcomed me to their place. And that kept me going back I guess. I feel at home. Much at home. (:

Its Vertex today - the highest point.
Great friends. Passionate volunteers. A willing heart. And lots of people who are gonna have fun. (:

We're gonna have a blast! And that, I know it! (:
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A kind intention. A string of great acts. Little but powerful words. A gradual departure. An awkward goodbye.

'Perception is reality.' Still remember that smug look on his face when I heard that.

Interestingly, I just got this feeling I just fell to the bottom of a list - but because I was told I fell; I pushed a name to the top of my list.

I have this urge. This urge to hurt myself. Urge to hurt so bad I'll cry and just let go of every ambition and desire that I may have or hold on to.

Come to think of it - its kinda plausible, though unreasonable and dumb. Maybe this hurt may save me the effort of hurting others around me.

Or maybe I'm living in self denial all over again. It sucks. But my whole life seems unpromising right now. This hurt may just be my escapade from more hurt that I may face in reality.

I hate to reveal any form of desperation - but I feel it arising within me. I guess. Its almost time I face my problems with the purest of thoughts and prepare to be lashed.
I'll give myself some time now. Just some time.
To build more than just a wall of courage. But more than that.

At this juncture - I often wish for some thing I can rely on. But more often than not, such reliance may only give me more reason to run away.

Never giving in to whatever sadness that surrounds me. Can I?
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Feeling tortured. Its like how you know its crumbling and all you can do is watch it become worse. Its all within - and there's no way I can head towards. I can't stand still. I keep moving on the spot. And I'm close to exhaustion.

Christopher's Chaos Theory struck me. Sometimes it just keeps getting worse.

And at this moment, I feel alone again. I'm always alone I guess. Its just how I made myself believe that I'm not.
I succeeded in many instances. But today I failed.

Its a terrible pain. You lose control of everything you once held on to. You know you have to take steps beyond the shallow thoughts to achieve that goal. But sheer idiocy and impulsiveness just leads to rash words and more hurt.

It feels bad to have someone close by and not be able to say anything. Feels worse to be rejected even when you know you won't. Feels terrible when its never gonna work out.

Raindrops keep falling on my head. Hide the tears that flow deep within.
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I'm trembling, shaking in fear. Casting doubts on all that I believe in.
Dreams that shatter within seconds - like trust crumbling in a blink of an eye.

That's all that was built, all that it was built upon. The foundation was weak, the layers - not strong.
Something fleeting, an endless ovation for magical nothingness. Lusting for pleasure with sheer integrity and vivacious thoughts.

Hurts deep down.
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I feel lighthearted today. I weigh the same. And I'm sure I can carry the same amount of weights. But my heart feels light.

I just figured that, maybe the best way to really set someone free, was to just let them be. Under my watchful eye, I'll be on my guard, ready to catch them when they fall. I hope that would give them the right amount of security, without tying them down too much.

That's all I promise. And that's all I will promise. Because maybe, the best way to really set someone free, is to just relief them of responsibility. I'll be spontaneous, ready to be by them whenever they need me. I hope that would keep reassuring them, without driving them mad.

So I shall live by that. :)

Gary's going into camp today. :) guess he's a lil uptight and anxious. :)
May he find his heart along the path God has laid out for him someday.
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It is seldom that I would experience silence in my home. When there're no qualms of suspicion and threat, no cries of self pity and anger.
I appreciate such moments. Because my home suddenly seems lovely. Clutters of magazines and letters that look serene. Happy photographs that reflect joyous memories and the beautiful part of history.

My dog sleeps soundly in the kitchen, enjoying the morning breeze that streams in with grace. And I hear the sounds of my diligent fan and early birds that sing melodies to welcome in the morning rays. Hiding under my soft pillows, I take small peeks to assure myself what I've just imagined is reality.

How wonderful - this world. I never knew such a moment existed. And now I start to look forward to such a moment at the start of each day.
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Today is Tuesday. Its rather different really. It exudes a warm, fuzzy proclamation - that keeps people so calm today. Suddenly no one's rushing. No one's frustrated. No one's unhappy.

It seemed like everyone found their way of life. Like they were contented, like babies fed milk before bed.

The weather on Tuesday is cloudy. It is rather different really. The cloud seems to follow everyone everywhere today, as if it were sheltering them from anything else above. And suddenly no one's hungry, no one speaks of death. No one's afraid.

It seemed like everyone found a new form of freedom. Like they were set free, like doves in the mellow blue skies.

The people on Tuesday are happy. It is rather different really. With heads held high and regular pacing, its as if they took pride of being altogether.

Take heart - such could be the start of a new revolution. Where everyone knows everyone else. Where everyone helps everyone else. Where everyone feels happy - like a man fulfilled with a hearty dinner.

Today is Tuesday. It is rather different really. Because today, is a Hearty Tuesday.
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Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.