1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

Guess a chemical. And decide if this chemical should be banned.

ROFL

Yeah - she's playing that power game with me. Whatever - I'm determined to show her what I'm really worth.

Something I stumbled upon a few minutes back kept me thinking. A quote from an English writer, Cyril Connolly.

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

Have I been writing in view of the opinions that the public might have of me after reading, or have I been scribbling true thoughts that regards nothing more than that of my own opinions? Have I lost myself in a bid to satisfy the world's perception and expectations of me?

Been struggling pretty much with myself recently. My lack of judgement. My consistently malfunctioning brain. My screwed up emotions. My indecisiveness. My escape routes just get longer and longer each day. So I keep digging in the wrong hole. Keep moving forward in the wrong direction. But who am I again to determine what's wrong and right?

Dwelling too much on how every little action of mine would cause certain reactions from the people around me. Then I start to focus too much on reacting to such reactions that I forget how I even derived the basic need to act on my own accord. What happened to wants and needs - when did I start to classify everything that I wanted as a selfish thought? How foolish.

So what if I were stressing upon every decision I make right now. Would I remember all these in the days ahead? Would it matter in the months to come? Occasionally I would pause to ponder about all the consequences that I may face with each decision I make. And no matter how small it was, I needed to be sure that I was making one with complete confidence and that it would lead to a favorable outcome. But somehow or another, I became less and less confident of the decisions I were to make. Was I becoming dumber to make wiser decisions? Or what?

Sometimes I just wished I was thinking way too much. Because I know I think a lot. But I never doubted the feelings I had for everything and everyone around me.

Sometimes I trust the feelings I have way too much. Because I know I feel a lot. But I never lost faith in the hearts of everything and everyone I believe in.

Right now, I'm losing it.
Thought too hard, thought too much.
Theres so much to this whole thing - it matters too much.

Clinging on to every word. I feel like such an idiot.
Too much pride in the way. I know how much I deny myself the right to feel the way I do.

All I want to say - all choked up within me. Doesn't take much to say those sentences, but it seems to cost me so much more. I'm afraid of something. Probably that fear is enough to make me cower behind sheer idiocy. How cowardly.

Focused so much on everything else, lost touch with what was more essential. The distance feels so much greater - or maybe vice versa was something I was never granted.

Still denying myself the right to want or need. Emptiness envelops me. I just don't have that right to make anything else happen. And I keep wondering what's on your mind.

Dilapidated; strewn pieces of thoughts all torn and worn.
Origins traced back to the times of a flashing Lighthouse and calm seas.
Never lose faith; but how much can I hold on to?
Tumbling down the hill of falsity;
Gregarious mornings have yet to arrive.
Opening doors that keep slamming shut on my face.

Ok?

If you think you'll lose, you're lost.
For out of the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will;
Its all in the state of mind.

Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

The more you give, the more you get -
The more you laugh, the less you fret.

Sylvia, sylvia - she must never regret.
For the days to come and weeks to follow, the troubles have not come yet.

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Monotonous morning - curled up on bed and listened to the Morning Express crew on Class 95 with little interest. Paid attention to the occasional splatter of footsteps across the roads and the roaring engines of cars as they spun off to join the morning road jam.

Attempted to dismantle my Blackberry on my bed in my half-blind state to much horror. Pieced it back together again and waited for Ebi to tuck under my comforter with me, to my dismay.

Dragged myself out of bed and opened the blinds to let some light into the room. Stood by the windows and eavesdropped on the annoying chatter of the ladies with their grocery bags boasting about their cheap bargains from the market.

Felt a slight tickle at my feet - bent down to pick up the dental floss ropes Ebi left beside me and threw it for her to fetch. Made the bed, and greeted my aunt and uncle before washing up to welcome the brand new day.

Describing the little details of my morning can be so much more interesting to write - but boring to read. Something that took 10 minutes to write can be read in less than 2 minutes.

Monotonous journey to school. Everything sounds so flat and lame. Lifeless interpretation of everything around me. Lazy reaction and replies from my idling mind. I refuse to give anything any extra thought or effort. Refuse to be active or sober today.

Relying entirely on my subconscious effort to do the things I need to do today. Eradicating all my wants and desires of the world from this moment just to experience sheer emptiness. Maybe this is just how ordinary any other ordinary life can get.

Super heroes. Beautiful fairies. Intelligent philantrophists. Jovial entertainers. Meticulous caretakers. Handsome samaritans. And every other perfect being we can ever dream of becoming.

That's the catch I suppose. If dreams are wishes your heart makes, then what are dreams your mind creates?

Far-fetched are the greatness we desire to achieve sometimes. All the crazy ideologies of perfection and precision. Materialistic desires that set our expectations so high.

Complaints. Disgrace.
Ambitions. All the craze.

People are fleeting towards a new fantasy lifestyle. Where maturity, sexuality, confidence, independence, wealth and health are all relative - to them.
The duration of a marriage, the terms of a certificate, the criteria for a soul mate, the expectations on the bed, the limitations on their freedom, the ever-changing wants from a companion.

Oh how crazy this whole thing becomes. What a topic to harp on at 19 though.

Back to ordinary - Extra ordinary.

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Became really moody today - halfway through SM at least. Rambled through the presentation, I don't think I made much sense. Any oh how. I just hope the tutor appreciates the details I spent ages on. If I know him well enough, he should be glad we went the extra mile.

Watched Sherlock Holmes and Meet The Robinsons in the library with Zhuang after class today. The plots were great - kept me entertained most of the afternoon.

Waited for Flo - she did well for her Sales Solution Call. (: We somehow looked tired, probably because of all the late nights recently. Decided to hit a salon since Zhuang was heading home soon for dinner but landed up in MOS filling our tummies instead.

We chatted. Gossiped a little.
Ate our fill and left. Zhuang went home. Flo and I decided to spree for shoes.
Thought some retail therapy could lift my spirits up before the day ended.

Trained down to Vivo to catch the last opening hour of the day and walked straight to the shoes shop. Couldn't resist trying those pretty ones on. Once I tried them on, I couldn't resist bringing them home with me. Brought 3 pairs home today. Hah - felt like I just made 6 new friends in an hour from 3 different places.
Interestingly - Flo was unable to find a good pair of gladiators amidst the vast variety displayed on the shelves.

Now on the way home, I wonder about all the other things I want to do tomorrow and the next few weeks. Life's just too short to me some times. To some extent, I feel like my life's just slightly shorter than I would expect it to last.

Oh wells. Life's simple pleasures are yet again so short lived. Still've got much to discover and learn - guess I'd better make full use of the short life I have to learn all I can and do all I can to make my world a much better place to live in before I go.

Maybe my 6 new friends can shed some light on new routes and paths that I may take. (:

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Landed rock bottom - and I have only myself to blame.
Lost focus in life, I lost my drive, and now I'm going insane.
Took a step back and I'm pondering the options that I have left to take;
I choose the extremes - I want to be free of the chains that rule my fate.

My ego's crushing me from within and my heart's all shattered and torn.
Piecing together the shards from the clutter - my blood flows even more.
Drained of time, I'm hit by the karma I built up over time;
Now I am nothing but I know I have something - my choices, my name, my voice.
The race to be different, do well and be quicker; the stakes are painfully high.
Slow down a little? Take some short breaks and you'll be ousted before you can cry.
This is cruelty, but this is reality; this is the life we were born to live.

Short lived are the simple pleasures that create happiness and love;
Longevity bestowed upon pain that hurt.

Maybe this is our destiny - the world we see in scrutiny is all but just a game.

Now back to the stakes, consequences of the choices I make - can I really afford so much?
The time, some gains, the effort and pain; will they all just vanish in vain?

Scripted answers, structured stories and an adjusted emotion and state - I'm sure I'm prepared to face the music in the days and weeks ahead.
How true am I to myself I wonder - how true have I been to them?
The trust and hope and faith they gave me, oh how terribly I've failed them all.

Left to clear my own darn mess - how much can anyone interfere.
To hell with those stupid remarks and ideas. Damn the times when you praised yourself sky high for your greatness in work.

Keeping faith. I'm still trusting and resting in his finished works.
Stay by me, no matter what comes my way.
Hold on to me, and never let go. Never let me go astray.
Be my solace, my only outlet for emotions hidden beneath.
Dry my tears and keep my promises.
I really need this now.

Still keeping faith. I shut my eyes and stand firm on my ground - alone, I wait for all that I will face. I know I can do it, with his grace.
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Doing a marketing project on the NEL can be kinda fun - especially when there's a real marketing executive seated beside you through the journey.

A little more off the usual look you would expect from a marketing veteran (he proclaimed that he has been on the job for 15 years), he was quick to brush off any doubts from his client with boisterous exclamations of marketing deals and company achievements that he had under his belt.

Well, I admit - I learnt a little about the GAP analysis from him, since he was explaining so loudly through his iPhone the different strategies he was going to propose to reduce the operational gap. But, interestingly, through that same mouth that gave me such golden information, came the sound of a familiar lingo from secondary school I soooo missed.

You know how people say 'It Sucks' right?
He went, 'It Saaaarrrrkkksss man.'
Or how people say 'He'll screw me bad'?
He went, 'Later he come and hooot me ah'
Or even how people usually say 'They'll think I'm some show off.'
He went, 'Later they think I act dua pai how?!'

Ok. To piece it up - his dialogue went something like this.

"You got see the other company's marketing proposal anot? I tell you, it saaaarrrrkkksss man. Not blowing my trumpet or what lah. You better don't spread or later he come and hooot me ah. You know lah, later they think I act dua pai how! I already in the business for 15 years plus cannot help."

Gosh. What's with me and eavesdropping.
So much for being civilized and educated though. Hah!
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Maybe its self - conditioned.
It seems that only one emotion flows out.
Will, was all it took to keep the rest inside.
Hurt inflicted on old scars afresh;
When will it heal when they keep bleeding like that?
You slit, you bruise - you could kill with words.
Leave the gregarious dreams to flamingos and trees.
Me, myself and maybe I.
One promise, no other, its hard to define.
Day and night - I'll try take flight.

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Brain's been burning, jamming, and running none stop today.
Took several breaks to ease the tension but arghh - the throbbing never ceases.
Been staring at the screen for close to 12 hours today, and Ebi's been really nice to distract me at hourly intervals.

All this time alone kept my brain working - I couldn't be sure I was entirely focused on the figures displayed on the screen.
From time to time, my imagination took flight; otherwise I'd be so bogged up within myself I'd have to shift myself about to take a breather.

Funny as it may seem - the most interesting encounter I had today was with my uncle.
He was using the desktop today as usual, when he suddenly got a phone call. Looked pretty stern when he hung up.
He faced the screen, tapped the mouse a couple of times - and he opened Microsoft Excel 2003.

He started to type numbers in sequence, then in patterns, then all over. He typed so many I lost count of the number of cells he filled in.
And amazingly - woah. The sum of each row and column of the cells of the entire rectangular area of numbers equaled 8801.

Rubbing his arm feeling satisfied with his work, he looked at me and asked if I was wondering what he was doing. Nodding, he grinned with delight, and started to explain to me how he was actually doing a Summation Series to keep his brain active, while proving to his friend that he could still remember how to complete a summation series without aid.

Gosh - it was insane.

Ok. Back to work; back to burning, jamming and running.

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.