Though I don't have a specific location that brings me peace, I feel particularly calm when I am with nature.  Spectacular sunsets, beautifully coloured leaves, expansive lakes, babbling brooks to name a few.

Here are a few shots of some spectacular sunsets that we had just this past summer.

I felt empty the first time I left the house without Julia.  I picked out this charm bracelet and engraved all my children's names on hearts.  I wear it all the time. 

On the surface, it seems quite an innocent thing to say.  Except it was said with vehemence, comparing our babies.  With all lack of understanding on her part.

You see, Julia's death was more involved than just being born early.  There was a placental abruption.  My body was incapable of holding onto her tiny body until it was big and strong enough to enter this world.  Is there something out of place with my body that caused the abruption to occur?  We never did find out.  That could be why she died. 

I suppose there is still some self blame on my part even though I feel relatively at peace with her death.  Could I have done anything different to lesson the effects of the abruption? If we had decided to revive her, could we have said she died from something different?  Was it our choice that made her die?  

So although she was correct in saying Julia died because she was born too early, it hurt because it was simplified too much, without a thought to regard the other reasons why she could have died...especially by a fellow BLM.

I made the rose spray out of gumpaste for Julia's first birthday.  It sat stored in a cupboard for one and a half years before I knew what I wanted to do with it.  I created a collage of some of Julia's special items and put them in a shadow box.  The glass is UV protected so the flowers will never fade. :)

Julia's memory box


Need I say more?

Today is the day to post a picture of after your loss.

The picture I chose was of the day trip we went on days after I got back from the hospital after Julia's birthday.  I know my mind was all over the place.  I was happy to be out of the hospital, to be spending time with Ethan and my husband.  I was also feeling really empty - I still remember that hollow empty spot on my left side where Julia should have been.  I also felt like people were moving in fast forward and I was just...there.

Now when I look back on it I kind of question my motives for why we went out.  It felt right and weird at the same time to be venturing out in public right after my baby had died.  I think I wanted some normalcy back to my life, I wanted to feel like I did before.  It was like I was outside all the shop windows looking in at the bustling activity;  but nobody saw me, nobody really understood me - why I was stuck there, why I couldn't take part in all the activity.  And then on the outside, I was functioning, but only going through the motions.  I needed to be back in my son's life - badly.  I was with my family, but somehow I felt so alone.  I see that look in my eyes...on the surface a smile, but also tiredness, saddness, feeling lost.

.

Today is to post a picture of me before Julia died.  This picture is from May 2009.



Let me just say it was not easy going through pictures from the later half of that year.  I kept thinking of where I was at in my pregnancy with Julia, what was happening in our lives.  It was definitely not easy to see the lonely two pictures taken of Ethan on Christmas Eve...and none on Christmas day.  I'm sure we've got to have some.  Where did they get to?

I also found our pictures of Julia.  I've forgotten how tiny her fingers and toes were, how delicate she was, how perfect she was.  I miss her....

It is October.  My favourite month of the year.  All the trees start to change colour, the air becomes cooler and feels so crisp and fresh in the mornings.  It is also the month in which I had the first indication that my pregnancy with Julia was not going so great.

Little did I think that almost three years after Julia was born I would be sitting here, reflecting on her life with me, content with the life that has become mine.  Life is so fragile.  It is created from tiny little cells and grows into a unique individual.  It can be taken from us at any time.  I used to think that life would go on until we were all old, but I know better now.  My naivety was plucked from me the moment Julia was taken from my arms.  How well I remember that moment in time.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Carly Marie is a beautiful individual who has beautiful ideas to remember our babes.  This year she is inviting women to remember their babies with photography.  It's called Capture Your Grief.

I am going to try and do as much of this challenge as possible.  I love photography and I'd love to honour Julia with some beautiful pictures in her remembrance.

Day One is to take a picture of the sunrise.  I took several and couldn't narrow it down to just one.



This one with the rose in the foreground has an evergreen in the back with the sun rising over it.  Roses remind me of Julia.  Her middle name is Rose.  I didn't frame it this way intentionally, but it gave me shivers and made me tear up when I realized the sun is like the shining star on top of a Christmas tree.  Julia's Birthday is Christmas Day.



This second one I love because of the halo.  Somehow it just speaks to me.  It calms me.  It makes me think of the perfect dew drops on the blades of grass in the morning, the freshness of each morning.  And if you look closely, you can see the rainbow in the halo.  I know she was looking over us, her sister, our rainbow.

I am procrastinating working on Julia’s rose spray, trying to hold back the tears. I finished working on a shadow box for Julia, my angel, and had sent it into a very prominent framing store to get it installed into the frame. It has pictures on it, but most importantly the spray of pink roses (made from gum paste) I had made for Julia's first angelversary. I got a call yesterday that there was a problem with my order. They broke some of the petals off. I picked it up today expecting just a couple petals broken with high hopes that it could be fixed. Not just a couple broken off...more like five or six! I was completely devastated when they told me on the phone and seeing it in person was even worse. I procrastinated finishing this piece and finally had it done and now I have to work on it again. :***( I was really looking forward to the finished piece and just being able to hang it up.

The beautiful thing that happened with all of this is that I felt, I mean really felt, Julia being with me on the ride down to see the piece. She was sitting in the back seat on my right side. I could feel her presence on my right shoulder, just like I felt the emptiness on my left side in my belly after she was born, only today it was beautiful, comforting and sad all at the same time. Later when I had the piece and it was on the front seat beside me I felt that she had moved and was sitting with me in the front. It's the closest I have ever felt to her since she died. She was with me telling me it was okay - I couldn't stop crying.

I really hope I can fix it up so it looks okay again.

Spring is here! It's been so nice out lately, much warmer than it ever has been in March - it's more like May weather. The warmth has coaxed all the buds to start opening up on everything. I took a look at Julia's rose bush the other day and was really surprised to see so many tiny leaves starting to unfold. Tiny and perfect, just like she was.

I look at my beautiful daughter Lauren, Julia's little sister, and see her sister in her. It's her fingers. They look just like Julia's and it makes me feel sad and grateful all at the same time. Sad that Julia is not here with us, but grateful that we were blessed with a rainbow. And I know Julia is watching, keeping an eye out for her, keeping her safe. How I wish she was doing that from earth.

But I know that is not possible. If Julia had lived, Lauren would not be with us. What a complicated and sad thought to wrap my head around. What tangled love to have in my heart.

I've been working on a memory box for Julia and it's almost done. I'm looking forward to seeing it up with her other pictures on our wall.

I think I've been more reflective than usual because Julia's due date is coming up in a few weeks. I'm not sure where my heart is, where my feelings are on this. For the past two years we have taken the day to honour her, done things together as a family to remember her, to celebrate her life. This year I'm almost dreading it and I'm not sure why. I try and think of something she would have liked to do when she was two and it just breaks my heart that she isn't even here to see her 2nd birthday. I never even knew her long enough to really know what she would like doing, what she would like to eat, what her personality would be like and it sucks! It just breaks my heart, it breaks my heart. .. and I'm really missing her.

I asked my husband what he thinks we should do. No response, just a sadness in his eyes. And it hurts even more to see that.

This mama is confused and hurting and I just want to be able to see clearly again.

Love you Julia XO

I feel like I won the lottery!

After Julia was born, the nurse took a handful of pictures. I thought that they had printed all of them off for us. I have looked at those pictures so many times...

I knew my husband had saved the first half of them onto our laptop we had with us and I thought they were just the same as what we already had. I was looking for them today b/c I am making a shadow box for her and wanted a jpg file to print off a higher quality picture.

When I found them I could hardly believe my eyes!! <3 There are several new pictures I have never seen from when she was still alive. I can tell from her colouring. <3 :***(

...But I am sooo grateful!!

I am going to contact the hospital to see if they still have the others they took - at the time they told me they keep them for years just in case parents ever changed their minds. I assumed all these years that they had given us prints of all the pictures they had taken!

Dear Julia,

I was thinking of you a lot today, missing you too. I know that many others thought of you today as well, and even though they didn't say anything to me I know you were in their thoughts. I think they just didn't know what to say.

I was burning your candles today up on our mantle. One of them was a rose - it was perfect. We also went to feed the chickadees, something I think you would have liked to do and I hope you enjoyed watching us. It was our time to spend thinking about you, time to spend with each other as a family on such a busy day.

We have a few very special ornaments hanging on the tree, just for you. Ethan likes to tell people about them - that we have them to remember you.

I wish you could have been with us today, giving all your family big hugs, running around with your big brother and little sister and tearing open Christmas presents this morning.

Happy heavenly second birthday sweet Julia. I love you very much. XOXO

Lots of love and hugs,

Mama

Julia, you have been on my mind a lot this past week. Your special day is coming up on the 19th and my heart is heavy. I look at your little sister wondering how you would have compared in size, looks, personality and I get teary. I'm sad you are not with us at home.

I want to do something very special to remember you. We will all be thinking of you on your day. We will all spend the day with you on our thoughts and in our hearts.

I miss you...

Lots of love,
Mama

This is a reflection I wrote back on March 1st but have not had the time to post!

It seems since Lauren has been born that I have had no time for reflection. It always happens in the middle of the night when I am not near a computer. I think of you Julia, often, and wonder what you think of your new little sister. I picture you looking down over us all, keeping Lauren safe, keeping Ethan safe. Last night I was thinking of the day you were born, and I missed you terribly. I feel like it is so unfair that you are not here with us all - but I'm sure where ever you are, you are quite happy. :) I just wish terribly that I could give you a cuddle and tons of "I love you kisses".

If I reflect on where you would be developmentally, I think you would just about be walking. Yesterday I saw a little boy who was probably just about your age walking around with his mommy. That's what I think you would be doing right about now. Big smiles, getting your face all dirty while eating, getting ready to go to daycare full time.

I can't wait until the spring comes and all the flowers start to come up. I am looking forward to seeing the first pink rosebud on your rosebush this year. It has been carpeted in snow all winter long, protected from the harsh winds and frigid temperatures.

On April 19th we are going to celebrate you, celebrate your beautiful spirit and remember - I mean really remember. On your birthday, Dec 25th I felt like it was so busy, we couldn't focus on you, couldn't take the time to reflect. Last year we went to Niagara Falls and the butterfly conservatory. I think that if it is going to be a nice day, we might do that again. It was a nice family outing, and Ethan loved all the butterflies and exploring around the falls. This year Lauren would love to see the butterflies I'm sure.

Sometimes Lauren looks off into the distance at nothing apparent and smiles, and I wonder if she can see you - I wonder sometimes if the spirits of those past can appear to babies. :)

Julia, I think of you often and wish I could hold you again in my arms if just for a moment, give you another kiss on your forehead, give you another cuddle. I love you.

Love, Mommy

After a heart-wrenching conversation the other day I find myself wondering how my subconscious is dealing with it. This conversation was with someone whom I love very much, but who has never experienced the raw emotion and myriad of feelings that comes with losing a baby who was born too early or who has never been faced with making such difficult decisions over life and death that I have had to do in the last year.

I have had a headache on and off since the conversation and I know that something is nagging at me. I can look at the conversation one way and know that the person was just trying to help me, to take away the pain and help me move forward. But on the other side, it angers me that this person thought that perhaps they could help me, to “fix” me when they lack the true understanding of being in my position, and how it can just take time to go through the grieving process and how everyone does it differently. It was suggested that perhaps a psychologist could help me to not only deal with things I know consciously but to bring forth things I didn’t even know were bothering me subconsciously.

This whole conversation was triggered because I mentioned how I had finally met the baby that was born on Julia’s due date and that by looking at this baby I was linking where Julia would have been cognitively and physically. I mentioned how I was not really sure how it made me feel. The baby was cute, I didn’t want to hold it though, and I still had some bitter thoughts inside to the effect of “this baby got to live but my Julia didn’t”. I feel as though these thoughts are quite natural, but based on the conversation I had it seems as though the person thought that maybe I should have moved more forward in my grief than I had.

The conversation continued on with “Remember how you said you had wished that you could have looked into Julia’s eyes before she had died?” Hearing this along with several other painful memories which brought me to tears, feeling the raw emotion I have not felt for so many months now, raw as when my Julia died just over a year ago, was not an easy thing to do.

It was suggested that maybe there is some issue that my subconscious mind has not dealt with yet and that is why I am still feeling these grieving type emotions. Well, give me a break. It was just the one year anniversary of my Julia, I had just seen for the first time the baby that was born on her due date and I am still processing how things went over Christmas and how they made me feel.

Perhaps this person has reached some sort of peace in their mind about the loss of Julia and they felt as though I should have too.

I explained that they would never be able to understand where I was at emotionally and that any old psychologist would not really be able to understand where I was at either unless they had gone through a similar situation themselves. It is so different to lose a grandparent or parent versus losing your child. So many different emotions to deal with, so many different thoughts either surrounding the actual death or what life would have been like had the child not died.

In some ways the conversation flip flopped back and forth so that I couldn’t really understand what point it was that was being made. They told me that what I was feeling was completely normal to which I answered emphatically “I KNOW!” but on the flip side it was suggested that I have some issues that I have not yet dealt with and may need some assistance. I was also told that they wished they could just take the pain and remove the whole incident from my life so they would not have to see me suffer.

But don’t they know that several positives have come from this experience as well? Sure I hurt a lot and have guilt still associated with Julia’s death. But this experience has reshaped the relationship I have with my son and husband, and not in a negative way. I love more openly, feel more deeply, have more empathy towards others. In a way, it has added a whole other dimension to my relationships. In addition, I have also touched so many others just due to the empathy I feel because of similarities in our situations, and made some great relationships with other women travelling this same emotional journey as myself. Having this empathy and helping others with whatever comforting words I can say helps me so much. It brings me some happiness knowing that I can help others, sometimes just by telling them that I’ve experienced the same as them and that they are not alone and that what they are feeling is normal.

I know that there are things that I still need to come to terms with, but I also know that time will help with that. I tend to process things slowly and I am totally okay with that. I feel as though I have been moving forward quite well with my grief. I know that it is a lifelong thing that will always be there, and when I feel in my heart that I can forgive myself for things I did or decisions I made I will do just that. But no talking to anyone will hurry that process along. It is something that I need to do in my own time, realize at my own pace.

I hope that through my conversation the other day and through various others that I have been able to relay my thoughts so that there is more clarity, though I know they will never really truly understand the place from which I come. I am content with my grieving journey and take the ups and downs as they come and deal with things as they arise. I hope they realize that I am not depressed, that I am only grieving my daughter and that this grief can last years. I hope they realize that I am happy with my life, that I adore my husband and son and the new baby that is on the way. I am most happy when I am with them, and feel so supported when I am surrounded with their love.

Julia will always be in my heart, she will always be my second born, and she will always be in my thoughts especially around certain times of the year. I know that one day her and my spirits will meet again and that brings me so much happiness.

I think the anticipation leading up to the 25th was the difficult part. On the night of the 24th, I couldn't sleep, I kept waking up every hour remembering what had happened the year before at those times. I even went on the computer and wrote some stuff thinking it might help to clear my mind, and perhaps it did, but what really helped was my hubby holding me as I cried - listening to all my thoughts and just holding me close. I hadn't wanted to wake him up, but I couldn't keep the tears from falling. (Now, a few days later, I just feel sad.)

Christmas morning was fun, Ethan was so excited about Santa coming that I found myself smiling before I even saw him. Imagine hearing that Santa got him a blue boat for Christmas and then me saying out loud "A boat? Really? Wow!" While full well knowing that it was a blue plastic sled for doing his first downhill tobogganing ever. :) He was so excited over everything!

We had a lovely breakfast of 'nalashneeki' (no idea of how to spell it in Polish - it is just a name for crepes but a Christmas tradition that Mike and I started after we were married). I made an apple filling to put inside and it was delicious.

Then Ethan opened his big gifts (his stocking was allowed before breakfast) and he was completely immersed in all his new toys and games. He was right there though to watch when Mommy and Daddy opened their gifts. I got some lovely gifts to remember Julia and other gifts to say that people were thinking of her and us that day. It warmed my heart.

Of course, at the back of both my husbands and my minds were the thoughts of the year past. That afternoon we were heading to my parents to be with my family and I had been looking forward to it, but somehow we found ourselves dragging our feet. Maybe it was more anticipation, maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was the emotional parts still getting at us - probably a bit of all.

I had made a cake the day before and made a bouquet of gumpaste roses to put on the top as decoration. But making Julia's cake was not the same as making other birthday cakes. It made me sad...it made me sad that she was not here to see it, that it was not to celebrate another year here with us on earth, that it was not to celebrate becoming another year older. I think it is one thing that I would not do again next year. But I do absolutely adore the pink roses that I made for the top. They are the exact same shade of pink as her rosebush in my garden. I am going to frame them somehow, like in a shadow box, and keep them forever.



I have a couple of lovely candle holders made especially to remember Julia and I had planned to have one of them on the dinner table with us during our meal. I had one special one in mind to use, but then when I opened the one my friend Katy gave me for Christmas with the rose etched on the side I knew that was the one we would light. It was perfect, and it was like Julia was there with us, watching over all of us.


Earlier that day, we also released some balloons for her. :) We had all sorts of colours and each of us either wrote or drew something special for Julia on those balloons. Ethan counted up to three for us...one, two, four, three (too much pressure!!) and we let them all go and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. There was something really special about that, sharing that moment with my family.

I was quite tired by the time the night rolled around and the day was over. It had been a special day - a day mixed with several feelings and thoughts. Looking back on it it felt as though the day was too crowded with too many various things going on and I still find myself wishing that her day could have been another other than on Christmas, a day special just for her. I think we may continue to honour her in a really special way (us all taking the day off and booking to do things together as a family) on her due date in April. When we did that this past year it just felt so special, and we all had a nice time.

I am so thankful that her angelversary was shared with so many loving people. So many people on the blogs, on facebook, through cards and emails and of course my family. Each time I knew another person was thinking of her it brought a smile to my face and some more peace to my heart.

We love you Julia, and miss you so very much. Much love and hugs, Mommy, Daddy and Ethan.

Mike and I thought of all the things that mean something special to us and put these words on the front.
For the inside, I had a picture in my head and with some adaptations to some clip art and Julia's actual footprints, Mike helped to make it a reality!

To all my fellow bloggers following along, we wish you a peaceful holiday season.

It’s December…has been for a while. Everyone is getting ready for Christmas, us included, but we are also anticipating what other feelings that day will bring. It will be Julia’s first heavenly birthday.

There have been several difficult moments this December so far. Seeing all the stores put up their decorations, hearing the Christmas music playing, opening the first Christmas card, having our Christmas party at work with all the visiting moms and their babies (I was not visiting and didn’t have Julia with me), seeing all the babies of the past year in a slide show but not having Julia’s picture up there, hearing about “all the maternity absences” and wanting to be one of the lucky ones who was still off with a baby at home. Putting up the Christmas tree and realizing how much it hurt both my husband and I to be doing so, but doing it for our son, Ethan.

There have also been many moments where I realize what a wonderful son we have, how thoughtful he is, how perceptive of how Mommy and Daddy feel. My favourite is when we were decorating the tree. Mike and I hung a couple of ornaments for Julia. Ethan hung several. They weren’t even dedicated ornaments with her name or anything…just hearts. Each one he put on the tree he said “This heart ornament is for us to remember Julia.” He was so proud as a big brother to be putting them up and I knew he knew that Mommy and Daddy would be proud of him for doing so. It was such a beautiful moment but so sad at the same time. I know Ethan wonders about Julia and why she is not here, but is accepting that she will never live with us in our home. He thinks of her often and his teachers at school know about his sister in heaven because he told them and I’m sure some of his friends do too.

We have attended a candlelight ceremony for loved ones lost. It was such a beautiful ceremony – Mike and both had our own candles and lit one together for Julia. There was also a talk of how to cope with the holidays. There were a few good pointers, one of which was to give yourself permission to not to do certain things that you really didn’t want to do – things that would really upset you or stress you out. Like for some, putting up a tree, sending out cards, hosting a party, attending a party. Even though the point of the evening was the candles and the talk, it was comforting in some odd way to know that we were not the only ones in our community having a difficult time with Christmas. And since then, I have been hearing of many others who are experiencing difficult times because of a loved one being extremely sick. My heart goes out to them.

One of the difficult things we have had to do was decide what special things we were going to do for Julia’s birthday. We want the day to be special in itself for her, not just because it is Christmas. I asked Ethan what he wanted to do and he told me “Have a little baby cake for her and buy her a present.” What else is important to a three year old? But I thought these ideas were perfect. I’m not sure what the cake will look like yet, but I’ll think of something special. And the toy…I came up with the perfect idea. I remembered how difficult it was for me to be at the hospital over the holidays last year and right away I knew I wanted to make it easier for someone else to be there. How about donating a gift to a one year old girl that would be spending the holiday there? I spoke with the social worker at the hospital and was elated to find out that they have a program where they will accept the gift and even give it specifically to the person I want. I was so emotional when I found out that I could touch the life of another little girl, and perhaps make it a bit easier for her and her family knowing that there are people who care and knowing that there are people hoping for a year with much health and happiness for them. I think I may even want to make this an annual event where each year we buy a gift that we think Julia would have liked and donate to a girl at the hospital who will be there on Julia’s birthday.

One very meaningful thing I knew I wanted to do ever since Julia died was to send out a memorial of sorts for her. Mike and I designed a Christmas card to send out this year with a lovely memorial in it for her. Sending a card that said Merry Christmas or Happy holidays just felt wrong, and I knew I would not have been motivated at all to send those out. On the front we have several words of what is meaningful to us, not just at Christmas but all the time. Things like family, love, togetherness, peace and cherish each moment. Inside, we have her footprints inside a heart with angel wings attached and we have written Julia our Christmas Angel, you will be in our hearts forever. And then at the side we are simply wishing for each person and their family to have a peaceful holiday. I was really happy with the way it turned out, and we are even thinking of doing a personally designed card each year – something that really means something to us, and something that will honour Julia.

Another thing we will be doing for her birthday is releasing balloons. We will be at my parents house that day, and my brothers and sister and inlaws will be there as well. I know they would like to do something special for Julia too – we can all write messages to her and send them to her up in heaven. I’d also like to have a candle lit for her at dinner that night, to symbolize her spiritual presence with us.

I’m not sure how we will all feel that day, but I do know that it will be all over the map. Happy, sad, you name it. And I know that by the end of the day I will want to crash – and need the next day to recover. But most of all, I will miss her, love her, remember her – with people I love and who mean the world to me.

Dear Julia,

I can't believe that is has almost been 11 months since I have last held you in my arms. In just over a month we will be celebrating your 1st year birthday in heaven.

The rose bush we planted for you got so many blooms on it at the end of the summer and into the fall. I know next year it will look just amazing. I'll have to protect it from the bunnies again so that it looks it's best. Every time there was another blossom on it, Ethan would point it out to me. It always made me smile.

Mommy and Daddy have been planning something special to do for your birthday so as to make it special in itself, in addition to it being Christmas. We are working on a Christmas card with a memorial inside for you with your little footprints. I hope it turns out just how I picture it.

I'm going to ask your big brother what he would like to do for your birthday. I'm sure he will have some fantastic ideas. We will also be celebrating your birthday with Grandma, Grandpa and your aunts and uncles. You will be in our hearts that day and always.

Love, Mommy

Dear Julia,

These past few weeks you have been on my mind and in my heart so much. It was this time last year that things started to go awry and I learned that you were still growing in my belly at 16 weeks. I found out that you were a girl, and I fell in love. I did everything that I could to keep you with me.

Over these next two months you will be on my mind so much.

I look at your pictures and memoirs all the time and hold your memory close to my heart.

I wish that you were still here in our home, as does your dad and brother.

Your brother wants to understand so badly what happened to you and why you will never live with us. He tells me "Mommy, we can hope that Julia will come back." It breaks my heart to hear him say that.

You will live on in our hearts and we will never forget you.

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and Ethan

I'm not a prayer person myself, but the person for which I ask for prayers loves God and has such faith. I have a dear friend who needs God to wrap her in His arms, to keep her safe and to comfort her with His word and goodness. God will know just what she needs.

Thank you, with much love.

One of me lives in the moment, happy to be here with my family, to be able to work, move around, live life fully…missing my daughter.

The other me lives on the parallel plane…ready to cry at a moments notice whenever something reminds me so vividly of my precious daughter Julia. To go over to the other side, the heart wrenching side that I don’t usually let my mind go to. She would be 8 months old now (4 if born on her due date). If only…

Loving you my sweet Julia Rose

Our last three caterpillars transformed into three perfectly gorgeous butterflies. Here are some pictures. :)It was quite lovely to see them be off into my garden. They were still so dependent in a way; One held on to my hand until it could get a good position on a plant to hang and dry it's wings. I wish I could have seen them fly away, but it was first thing in the morning and I had to get going for work. Just holding one of them was so calming, and they were so perfect and beautiful. Hard to believe what a miraculous transformation they go through.

In other news, Julia's rosebush is blooming for the second time this year! Not bad for being almost completely devoured by bunnies earlier in the year. When I saw the three blooms I though of Nan and her three angels. I also thought of my three children and how much I love them all.



I love nature so much - it can be so peaceful at times and it is at these moment that I find it so calming. My soul feels at peace.

Something about the wee hours make things so clear. My mind has had some time to digest the happenings of the day before and it all makes sense, but with so much more meaning.

I woke up around 3am and could not get back to sleep. I checked my temperature once again to make sure the fever was staying down. I lay in bed, with a blank mind, a frustrated mind at not being able to sleep, but then in pops one thought, then another.

We were at a wedding the day before - my best friends wedding from high school. I made her wedding cake for her and so I was so focused on getting it done and to the reception safe and

sound that I didn't really prepare myself for all the social aspects that were to come. Seeing the people from high school that I have not seen for years. The people who are very much not a part of my world. The people who very much do not understand where I have been and where I am going - how I have changed since I have seen them last.

I have never really been that great at small talk. With me it is all the important stuff. That's what matters to talk about with me. What makes you tick, why you are feeling the way you are, why you are at that point in your life where you are. I realize that there are some things that could be considered small talk that would fulfill those things, but they only last in conversation for so long.

So when the questions of "When did you go back to work?" "When did you have your last?" started flying, I had not prepared myself and the only answers in the fore front of my mind were about Julia. Especially after being at the ceremony and having many memories come flooding back about ours.

At our wedding we had the verse "These are the hands" read while we held hands, happily, with no idea of how much those hands would support each other in the years to come. There is one part of it that goes "These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy. These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief fill you." Well, when I heard those lines again yesterday I could not help the tears from flowing, thinking back to all that has happened over the past 5 years. Yup, it will be 5 years at the end of this month. Just in the past several months all the times that Mike has held my hands, the countless hugs with the flood of tears that would come - sometimes unexpectedly. Never in my wildest imagination could I have ever expected tears to come because of losing a part of me, losing my baby girl. And I mean wildest imagination because I was just so naive before...these things just didn't happen...hadn't ever heard of them happening.

So, after having being asked these questions and being a bit confused because I know some of them may have found out through the grapevine but not really being sure, I asked for clarification for the first question - You mean after Julia? And after the second question with Julia being in the forefront of my mind I said Julia was born in December.

Then came the explanation of what happened. I quickly just skimmed over the details about how she was born early and too little to live.

What did I get? Looks of pity. No "I'm sorry", no "How are you doing?". This is what I get from people who have not gone through those terrible times in life. Or maybe they were just so stunned hearing this at a wedding that I threw them for a loop? Like I said before...no small talk with me.

On the bright side, my friend looked absolutely lovely in her dress. :)

It was her mother's gown that her aunt had made for her mother and they whitened it up, added some colour and it looked fabulous! She wore her grandmother's wedding band. Three things close to her heart on her wedding day. My friend is one person who absolutely understands the pain I have gone through, the rock bottom that I hit. And it wasn't because she lost her own child but because of many other tough times she has endured over the years.

It struck me last night in the wee hours how blissfully happy she was yesterday and how much she can really appreciate the love and support she will receive from her husband over the years. She knows the complete opposite feelings and so she can truly, I mean truly appreciate the man she has in her life, and appreciate feeling full of love on her wedding day and in the days and years to come.

It struck me too how lucky I was to have such a wonderful man who stays by my side and holds my hand when I need it. Like last night when I was thinking and crying - remembering when I had to give Julia up - and he laid beside me and held my hand. What a wonderful way to finally fall asleep.

For the last couple of weeks we have been raising 4 monarch caterpillars. Their names are BBC, Stereo, Tennessee, and (gosh, I can't remember the last). Ethan named them all. :) It was my husbands idea, and he religiously gave them food and cleaned their jars and moved them up into bigger homes as they grew. For the last 9 days we have been watching BBC in his cocoon and for the last few we could see it getting thinner. This morning it was nearly transparent. We knew the butterfly would come out today at some point, so we sent it to daycare with Ethan so that the kids could all see it come out. They love things like that!!


Anyways, it came out on the way there and the kids were going to release it when they went out for their outdoor play. It never even dawned on me until today, but we were organizing our very own butterfly release! From caterpillars we raised ourselves! Then I thought how happy I was that Ethan and his friends were the ones to do it. I wish I could have been there to see BBC fly away in his new form.


Ethan didn't even know it, but these caterpillars and butterflies have their own symbolism to us. My favourite that I found when I wrote about Julia's due date is this:

The butterfly exists in four distinct forms. Some consider that so do we: The fertilized egg is planted in our mother's womb. From our day of birth we are like the caterpillar which can only eat and creep along. At death we are like the dormant pupa in its chrysalis. After that, our consciousness emerges from the cast off body, and some see in this the emergence of the butterfly. Therefore, the butterfly is symbolic of rebirth after death.

I can't wait until the next three come out and are ready to fly away. I'd love to do one of the releases myself. I think I would get goosebumps watching it fly away after it's rebirth. :)

I had not been sure when I would tell my news. I am also so conscious of other people's feelings about pregnancies that I was unsure of how I would say it. Like many others I have started another blog about my new journey. It is about our new journey of expecting our third child, our rainbow child, and about any other thing that occurs along this new road. We are so very happy, and feel so blessed.

I invite those who wish to come over and visit. :)

It's been a while since I've posted anything. It seems like the summer is just flying by. I think about Julia everyday. Everyday I wear one of two bracelets I have to remember her. She is with me all the time and it brings me comfort that although we can't enjoy time with her physically, her memory is with us always.

About a week ago I participated in Grady's paddle. Grady is the son of Jen, a mom I met through my bereavement group in my community. Grady was born with a heart condition and despite receiving several operations before he was even 6 months old, in the end he succumbed to these operations meant to save his life. Jen and her husband decided to start a fund in his name with a well known children's hospital in our area. They have done a few fundraisers, but this one has been their largest yet! Over 100 people turned out to participate in the paddle and they were able to give a large donation to the hospital. This fundraiser was called Grady's paddle , a 21 or 32km paddle down the Magnetawan river. It is is up north in cottage country, and it was absolutely gorgeous and peaceful. My sister came with me. We rented a tandem kayak and were on the water paddling for almost 6 hours! My sister and I did 23km before our arms felt like they were going to fall off and we opted for the ride back and to be content with the shorter paddle. Not too bad for non-frequent paddlers! I was so glad to help out Jen with their vision and to keep Grady's memory alive.
Today I was looking at the calendar and realized that this Friday it will be 7 months since Julia was born, and this past Monday she would have been 3 months old if born full term. I think about what she would be doing right now, if she would have been a slow feeder like Ethan, if she would have been a good sleeper. I think too how my family's life would have been affected. Would Ethan have responded well? He is Mommy and Daddy's little helper, but would he have grown jealous? Sometimes I wonder what this house would have sounded like with two kids laughing, two kids crying. Right now the "baby room" is our "spare room". We can't come to call it the baby's room. It is too much of a reminder. It is full of Ethan's clothes that are too small on him, toys, Ethan's toddler bed, the change pad. I am glad that it is this way. That room was never Julia's space. Maybe in a few more months it would have been, but now Julia's space is in our hearts and in her lovely carved box "Angel of Mine" in our bedroom.

Julia's rosebush finally bloomed! The one my mom and I got her is the bright pink one. The second is the one my friend got me which is called "Julia Renaissance".

Today...

Today is my birthday.

Today I am 33.

Today I could not hold myself together at work.

Today I came home early.

Today I am thinking of all the things that have happened to me in the last year. The culmination of stress, lack of sleep, life rushing by too quickly have all come together to crack me, to bring me to pieces.

Today I wonder what the next year will bring me. What trials and difficult days lay ahead? Will there be any days of happiness, I mean really truly happy blessed days?

Today I was given several happy wishes for the coming year but it's just upsetting me.

Today is a trigger day for me. I was blindsided by it...didn't see it coming.

Today is my birthday. Today marks the day that I was born, the day that I started my life. A day that my daughter will never experience here with us. She will never see 33 years here on earth.

Today I am a wreck.

Today the tears won't stop flowing.

Today I need sleep.

Today I need support.

It feels like weeks since I have last posted, but I think it's only been one. I can't believe how quickly time seems to be flying by lately, ever since I have gone back to work. Instead of living day to day, or even moment to moment as I was a few months ago, now it seems to be week to week. I suppose that in itself is not a bad thing, except I feel like I have been neglecting my memories of Julia. I do think of her a lot, but not in the long reflective ways that I used to. I wonder what she would be doing now if she were with us, how long she would be sleeping at night, if she would have been a relaxed, carefree baby like Ethan or if she would have been more needy. She would have been 7 weeks old tomorrow. I wonder how I would have felt to be a mom to a daughter, how much attention she would have got being the first baby girl born to our family.

Last weekend I avoided a potentially difficult emotional setting. Friends of our family who had their son on Julia's due date had a birthday party for their daughter. I knew I couldn't go, I couldn't face that baby. I felt panicked just thinking of it. How could I be afraid of a little baby? I am afraid of my thoughts, afraid of facing the pain all over again, afraid of breaking down in public in front of a bunch of people I don't want to pity me. Afraid of all those questions of what happened, how we are doing now, afraid of people asking if we will be trying again. I know those people and questions are out there and I didn't feel like facing them.

Lately I have been thinking of all the parents out there who are so naive. Naive and not understanding or appreciating the blessings they have received. How much does it take to make them see how blessed they are? I have been toying with the thought of writing into the parenting magazine about an issue I am sure they have never written about. Mothers who have angel babies and the emotional stresses and heartbreaking journey they have to travel. The people they have to face, the questions they have to answer, the strengths they have found, the faith they have strengthened and the relationships they have formed with other angel baby mommies. Do you think blissfully happy mommies would want to read about that? I would probably get a note telling me "Sorry, but the content of this article is too depressing for our readers." I just want some eyes to be opened up a little, for people to realize how much miscarriage happens, how often there is infant death, what we face, how we cope, how our relationships are changed. Do you think it is possible for people to be receptive to this? I was thinking an article for October in time for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

The other day I got the most upsetting piece of mail. It was a letter from the gov't telling me that I had to pay to get Julia's name changed. Here is a bit of history to this story. On the statement of live birth I filled in Julia's name as just Julia. It was so soon after her birth that we had not given a second name any thought. The hospital filled in her name as "Baby girl to Andrea". Somehow in the process, her name was recorded as Julia Andrea and this is what I got in the mail on her statement of live birth back in February. There was a page to write in to state any errors and I changed it to Julia Rose. I suppose they may have accepted that change if I didn't include Rose (as it was not on statement of live birth I filled out), but they didn't go for it. I don't know why the negative letter struck such a bitter chord with me, but I had a good long cry and many Ethan hugs and smiles trying to cheer me up. Long story short, after speaking with the funeral home (they were tied into this as well) they told me that they would help to correct the situation. Now, to fill out a mountain of paperwork. I effectively have to change her name even though they didn't get it right in the first place. Humph! Not something I really want to deal with, but I am determined to make it correct to honour my Julia.

On a more happier note...A few weeks ago I wrote about purchasing Julia's rose bush. I did get one and planted it in the perfect spot in my garden. I was going to post pictures of it, but then the most depressing thing happened. Some really happy bunnies discovered it and ate ALL of the leaves off of it. (Well, there were two tiny ones left, but I really had to look for them.) Who ever heard of bunnies eating rose leaves? Anyhow, that very same night I put chicken wire up around it to protect it from any further demise. I am happy to say that today it is flourishing! There are tons of new leaves on it and I am awaiting the first rose bud to pop up on it. I have not taken any pictures of it yet, but when I do, I will post them.

In addition to the rose bush I purchased for Julia, I received a second as a gift! Such a thoughtful and loving gesture from a truly caring and understanding coworker. I can only imagine how long she looked for the perfect one. It is called Julia Renaissance and it is a pink rose bush. It already has one blossom on it that has started to open and it is so fragrant! I am afraid to plant it in the garden without chicken wire for fear that the rabbits will get that one too!

Pictures to follow soon!

Today it was five months since I held you, my precious Julia. I still think of you all the time and wish that I could still hold you, and give you hugs and kisses. Daddy and Ethan would have loved to give you kisses too.

Ethan still asks about you. Today Ethan went to play soccer and I saw all the other young families with babies and I thought of you, how you would have loved to watch your big brother kick the ball around.

I know you are loved where you are, and that you have Grandpa, Babcia and Dziadzia to look after you and give you hugs. I know too that you have so many friends to play with and that sometimes I hear you laugh. Sometimes I even think that I see you out of the corner of my eye watching Mommy. How I long to give you one more kiss on your forehead, give you one more cuddle and tell you directly how much I love you.

I love you my sweet Julia Rose.

Tomorrow is Mother's day. There are so many different kinds of Moms, and they all have a right to be recognized as such. There are biological moms, moms of adopted children, grandparents who have become moms, foster home moms, butterfly moms, and single moms as well as others who fall under other headings. The thing in common with all these moms is that they have a child (or children) that they love. They learn a multitude of things from this child, be it slowing down and enjoying life, patience, compassion, how to be silly again, the joy of innocent laughter, to cherish each moment, that God loves us and is here to comfort us, but most of all, how deep one can love their child.

We are all mothers, all different kinds, but we all have our children with us in our hearts.

I realize that this day for many butterfly mommies can bring much pain, but if you let it, it can bring much love as well. Have your baby with you in your heart and do something to bring the happy memories of your baby to you. I am going to plant a pink rose bush in honour of Julia, so that I will be reminded of her and so that I can reflect on my memories of her when I look at the lovely roses and smell the sweet scent floating on the gentle breeze. Oh, how I miss her.

Happy Mother's day to all of you. :)

Girl Guides is an international organization for women and girls to empower them, build their self esteem, enables girls to be confident, resourceful and courageous, and to make a difference in the world. It is called Girl Guides in Canada, Girl Scouts in the U.S., and Girlguiding in the UK to name a few. There are 145 countries that are a part of W.A.G.G.G.S. (World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts), Canada, the U.S., and the United Kingdom being three of them. Guiding was founded 100 years ago in England, in 1910. In Canada, we are having several big celebrations country wide!

If Julia was with us still, I would have been counting down the days until she could have joined to start as a Spark, at age 5. I think she would have loved the outdoors like her mommy, loved singing around the campfire and singing songs, loved being silly with her friends, loved all the crafts, and loved the forever bonds (sisterhood) one can make with the women and girls that are a part of this association.

So, since I have gone back to work, I have been incredibly busy and feeling like I have a million things on my mind. I have tons of things going on with Girl Guides (as it is coming to a close), in the evenings I am getting ready for work the next day, as well as trying to spend as much time as possible with Ethan. Needless to say, I have not had much time to just sit and relax much. I have thought of Julia often, but never very reflectively.

This week is health and safety week. Our workplace is putting on a different workshop each day. Todays was a talk about stress and learning how to manage it through meditation techniques. I was really looking for some techniques to manage my stress for when I get home from work. It is just rush, rush, rush until I have dinner ready and we are all eating. I have been trying to get things prepared as in advance as possible, but sometimes that does not happen. Anyhow, the presenter had some great techniques and I found myself lost in my happy place completely relaxed. She had time for one more technique to show us. It was how to focus our thoughts and to ground them.

She began to talk. Close your eyes and focus on your heart beat. Think of your heart beat and how it sounds, how it feels. Think of something happy. (Julia was flitting through my thoughts) Think of a gold string connected to your heart (Julia will always be in my heart) and think of it going up through your throat up to the sky. (That is where Julia is right now, playing having fun...is that the laughter of two girls I hear?) Now think of that gold string connecting you to the ground. (Now I can feel the presence of Julia's friend's mom. Although she is miles away, I could feel a connection full of love and determination. I can still hear the girls laughter. I start to cry.) Now bring yourself back to the moment and open your eyes. (No! I want to stay in this moment, listening to my daughter laugh with her friend! Feel connected with my friend who also lost a little girl. I don't want to come back to work!!)

Needless to say, after that I was a mess. People flitted looks at me, some asked me if I was okay. Did I look okay? No, but I had just experienced such a wonderful connection with my daughter that I was very emotional. People just don't understand. There have been times that I just need to talk to someone who gets it, who will listen and really understand, but there is nobody to be found. This is the fourth time in a week and a half that I had (or almost had) a meltdown. I think that people see now that we just don't get over it. That there will be triggers. On top of that, I think that I needed that down time. I need more of it. I had been supressing that all week and I still need a good cry. Tonight I will go and spend some quality time with Julia. Remembering her, smelling her clothes, looking at her pictures. Allow myself to miss her and think of what a blessing she has been and will contine to be.

I love you Julia with all my heart and I miss you so much!! Love, Mommy

So, I started back at work this week. I have not felt much like writing about it, I've been busy and just wanted some down time for me.

The thing that struck me the most about going back was how normal everything was. It was overwhelming the first day. It was difficult for me to sit in the lunch room while everyone was carrying on with their chatter and laughter. I had purposely got there earlier than others, but it quickly filled up. I had to leave as fast as I could, something not too easy when people are asking how I was as I ran out the door.

I found some comfort (although it came with emotion too) with a few of my collegues. Without too much info, just let me say that others have either come close or actually had to deal with a loss that I could relate to.

It is getting easier as the days go on, though it is just Thursday and I feel like tmr should be Saturday. I have had enough. I need a break.

At my bereavement group this afternoon, we were talking about Mother's day. I hadn't thought of what I was going to do this year at all, although I have another very special baby that I am a mom to this year, even if she is only with us in our hearts. I was thinking that it would be the perfect day to go to the nursey and pick out a pink rose to plant in my garden for Julia.

How are all of you going to spend Mother's day?

There is one last thing I wanted to talk about, and it is the most important. I have a friend who has a friend that just recently learned that her baby (at 21 weeks gestation) will not live. This very day may have been the most difficult in her life. I know she has been on my mind and in my heart all day, hoping that she is doing as well as one can be in her circumstances, that she has received the support and love that she needs so much right now. Please think of her, send her prayers, whatever is your thing. I know she needs it so much right now.

Thanks.