I just watched an episode of Scrubs where the janitor got married. You know, the thing I like about Scrubs is that no matter how wacky or random or stupid the antics may be, a message is always thrown right into your face. And a pretty big message at that.
Like the episode I just watched went and threw this sucker to me : Love is capable of changing you, whether you like it or not. And no matter what, it's going to be a good change.
Got me thinking (hence this post, duh), have my past relationships changed me for the better or am I just the same crappy person I was a few years ago?
Quick recap :
Relationship #1 - Started lying to my parents for his sake. Don't think it was a good change.
Relationship #2 - Started being more and more judgmental, materialistic, picky and downright cruel. Not good change.
Relationship #3 - Started giving up on believing there is such a thing as real love altogether. Well, isn't this a happy thought?
So anyway, here I am today. I went from a a 15 year old girl who would jump over the moon with joy if her dearly beloved gave her a bar of chocolate, to an 18 year old girl who would gladly burn all romance novels and chick lits because of their sickening happy endings and perfect little romantic scenarios.
But back in a little corner of my mind, there's this question. Maybe I just haven't found the right person to change me? This feeling of boundless love has to be real. I know it is because I've seen it. I've seen people change for me. I've seen the way they love endlessly. That's what makes things so difficult and imperfect for me. I have yet to find somebody who I am going to love endlessly. I have to find someone I myself love, and who loves me back. In that real way, not that stupid meaningless "I love you because you're so hot/pretty and I just wanna fuck you" way.
I think Scrubs left something out in their message. It should be - Someone you really love is capable of changing you, whether you like it or not. And no matter what, it's going to be a good change.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I am growing up!
5 years ago - I was 13 and just entered secondary school. I had very long and straight hair, dressed in baggy t-shirts, my brother's old shorts, listened to 50 cent, wore strap-on sandals and made friends with pretty much everyone. I was on the drama team, still went for ballet on weekdays and gymnastics on weekends. I had plenty of friends and was considered a "well-rounded" and "bubbly" person. At the end of the year, I had some pretty rough moments with an almost-divorce, a bit of blood and some sobering up on my part. I cut my hair and it changed from long and straight to short and wavy.
4 years ago - I was 14 and got demoted to a pretty shitty class. I mixed with some pretty weird people and started being judgmental. I slacked off from my studies. Brother started living in Klang, which meant I was away from my family most of the time. Stopped all of my out-of-school activities and got swamped with tuition classes and homework. Started fighting with parents and got bad grades in school. Discovered boys. Discovered bands. Discovered writing.
3 years ago - I was 15. I found Azam, my first boyfriend and fell totally head over heels. Started lying to parents to go out with him, started using my friends to cover for me which was all a waste of time anyway. I found Dayah and Hani, my first real friends after a long time. Put myself back on track, got good grades for PMR :)
2 years ago - I was 16. I cut my hair short. Got involved and broke up with Zul. Had a big party year with fun classmates and equally fun teachers. Never took things seriously for a whole year. Made close friends. Started getting obsessed with certain bands.
1 year ago - I was 17. Got involved in a messy relationship with a good friend and ended badly (big mistake). Pushed things aside, studied, got good grades for SPM :)
Today - I am 18. I dyed my hair. I am going to study psychology. I lost some phony "friends" and kept my real ones. I listen to 80's rock, screamo and acoustic at the same time. I have goals and ambitions. I can drive. I can play guitar, drums and piano. I can tell you the meaning of several Latin phrases. I am learning Spanish. I am satisfied with what I grew up to be. And I'm going to keep on growing and see where that takes me.
4 years ago - I was 14 and got demoted to a pretty shitty class. I mixed with some pretty weird people and started being judgmental. I slacked off from my studies. Brother started living in Klang, which meant I was away from my family most of the time. Stopped all of my out-of-school activities and got swamped with tuition classes and homework. Started fighting with parents and got bad grades in school. Discovered boys. Discovered bands. Discovered writing.
3 years ago - I was 15. I found Azam, my first boyfriend and fell totally head over heels. Started lying to parents to go out with him, started using my friends to cover for me which was all a waste of time anyway. I found Dayah and Hani, my first real friends after a long time. Put myself back on track, got good grades for PMR :)
2 years ago - I was 16. I cut my hair short. Got involved and broke up with Zul. Had a big party year with fun classmates and equally fun teachers. Never took things seriously for a whole year. Made close friends. Started getting obsessed with certain bands.
1 year ago - I was 17. Got involved in a messy relationship with a good friend and ended badly (big mistake). Pushed things aside, studied, got good grades for SPM :)
Today - I am 18. I dyed my hair. I am going to study psychology. I lost some phony "friends" and kept my real ones. I listen to 80's rock, screamo and acoustic at the same time. I have goals and ambitions. I can drive. I can play guitar, drums and piano. I can tell you the meaning of several Latin phrases. I am learning Spanish. I am satisfied with what I grew up to be. And I'm going to keep on growing and see where that takes me.
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