Now that I am at something of a crossroad in my life, I've found myself wondering lots of times about what I will eventually end up doing for the rest of my life. For about a year, I've enjoyed calling myself a researcher, carrying out several (mostly failed) experiments but haven't yet found the courage to commit to a career. I'm lucky enough not to be forced into a career, my parents are strong enough to just sit back and let me find my own way in doing something that I enjoy. But then, being the spoiled and privileged brat that I am, I'm like "K so what the hell should I do then?". Possibilities are endless now that I'm done with school. I like writing, I'd love to be a writer. But then, I like animals too, maybe I could be the next Jane Goodall and continue my ape research. But I also want to be a psychologist because that's why I signed up to study psychology in the first place. But I don't really want to spend the rest of my life listening to people's problems. I want to fix things. Which is why I really enjoyed my internship where I did humanitarian/political work because I felt like I actually had a hand in changing something. Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Literally everyone (parents, the internet, friends) say, "Just do what you like and stick to it". But if you like so many things, how do you stick to just one? So I guess the key is to find balance, and ultimately, the key to a good life (also according to parents, the internet etc) is a good balance between every aspect of your life. But yo, I'm 23. There's no such thing as balance. I'm only just learning that waking up at 11am and going to sleep at 3am is not balance, even though that worked while you were in college. I'm only just learning that one day everything around you seems sorted out but the next day, it can all fall apart because of one single fuck-up. One day you think you've figured out what you want to do with your life and the next day, something so beautiful catches your eye and you can't help thinking, "I'd love to do that too." And then a day after that, you think about your present life and realize how something else would be way more suitable, sensible and probably just as satisfying - you just haven't tried it out yet. How do you "balance" when everything around seems to be resting on a ball, not a box? At 23, you're only just starting to figure out this seemingly impossible balancing act and I can't help but feel that if anyone has their whole life planned out at my age, they probably haven't opened your eyes to the vastness and improbability of the world.
I applied for a job the other day at a company I really respect because all the company is built on is change. For the life of me, I can't find that "one" purpose of the company. I don't know if it's media or tech or education reform or lifestyle or whatever, but the one thing I do know is that they do... Lots of things. Which is essentially what my problem/strength (?) is - I don't know one thing I want to do so I want to do all of it. I don't know how they did it, I don't know what they're secret is but they seem to be wildly successful at doing many things which is something that just blows my mind. How do you bring together so many different things and make every single thing work? They have this secret. I want to know what it is. But when I applied for the job, I kept thinking about the same vastness and improbability that has been confusing me about commitment, only in a different way - so many things can go wrong with my application. I might not be what they're looking for, they're full up, my application was too long, I didn't answer the right questions and on and on and on. The possibilities were endless. As is the way the world works - so many different things can happen and yet, only one thing does. I can either get rejected (for various reasons) or I could get hired (for various reasons). I could live until I'm 100 or I could die tomorrow.
Although I sound really negative and pessimistic, there is one solid thing that I hold on to though. There was an article I read a couple of months ago (I wish I could cite it but I've really forgotten where I read it) and it explained the mathematical probability of there being another copy of you in this world. It was literally 0. There is mathematically no chance that you could have been born differently because the number of things that need to come together to make you you are too many, so the chances of everything coming together again to produce another you is zero. ZERO. So maybe my indecisiveness now doesn't even matter because at the end of the day, whatever I decide will be what was meant to be decided. And that will make it all the more meaningful because I know that whatever path is for me, is tailor made for me, regardless of who the tailor is. I believe it's 100% God, some might disagree and just say it's fate, some might say it's maths again but whatever happens and whatever I choose or am not chosen for, it is what it will be. So I should get on with it.
I can do it.
