An open letter about open adoption.

My husband and I went into the adoption process wanting nothing to do with open adoption.  I wanted a child. And I wanted that child to be our child. No sharing!  When one friend talked about her very open adoption, I remember thinking they must be crazy.  There’s no way I could be in an adoption like that. But we knew from information from our adoption agency that if we had hopes of being chosen by potential birth parents, some amount of openness would likely be required.  Open adoption can seem like such an overwhelming and scary concept.  In retrospect, I think it’s also a very misunderstood concept.

Our adoption agency had required training classes.  In that training, I was asked how I would handle it should our child ever express interest in wanting to meet their birth parents.  The thought overwhelmed me with emotion, and I started bawling.  All I could think was that it would be as if they were saying for some reason I was not enough for them.  That is the moment I can recognize as the beginning of God reshaping our hearts and attitudes towards open adoption.  My fears and apprehensions were rooted in my own insecurities! 

I knew from our adoption education that a good open adoption situation is the healthiest option for the birth parents.  They are able to know and “see” (whether that be in person, or though pictures and letters) that their child is loved and cared for.  Birthparents in an open adoption typically process through the normal feelings of grief more quickly.

I knew from our adoption education that a good open adoption situation is the healthiest option for the adopted child.  They are able to know on an ongoing basis that they were always wanted and loved.  There is ongoing access to birth parents for questions to be answered, anywhere from “Who do I look like?” to medical history, and many points in between.  Adopted children in an open adoption have an earlier and more concrete understanding of adoption, because there are physical people to attach titles to, not abstract concepts.

What I was not prepared for was how much I personally would be blessed by an open adoption relationship.  We spent several days in the hospital with our daughter’s birth parents when she was born.  I came to care for them both a great deal.  It was so emotional when we all left the hospital going in our separate directions.  I cried the whole way home.  Not quiet tears trailing down my cheeks as I looked into my daughter’s eyes and saw her birthmom’s.  It was the the ugly cry.  It was much like the tears I shed over the loss of my miscarried babies.  I grieved deeply for the anguish I knew they must be feeling.  Hearing our daughter’s bithmom confirm through the years that it was in fact the hardest thing she’s done, but she has no doubt that it was the best choice, was so good for my heart.

Yesterday we had a visit from our daughter’s birthmom, her husband and their two daughters (one about a year and a half older than our daughter, and one about a year and a half younger).  As we drove down the road my heart was blessed to hear the two older girls in the back seat.  “You’re my sister and I’m your sister, because you came out of my mom’s tummy.”  As adults, we all had a say in this adoption situation.  However these kids didn’t.  They don’t see each other often—probably about 5-6 times a year. But I loved seeing the interactions between them last night.  I am so glad that they have the opportunity to know each other and share this special bond.  I can only imagine what it does for her birthmom’s heart to see the three of them together.

Our open adoption did not start this way from day one.  It took time and effort to get here.  In setting up our open adoption agreement, I took a page from my many years working in customer service.  “Under promise, and over deliver.”  Our agreement states that we will provide letters and pictures on a set schedule, and one (mediated) visit per year.  We were careful to only agree to what we knew we could follow through with.  Over time, our relationships have progressed far past that.

Does an open relationship work in every situation? No.  Open adoption works when everyone involved is focused on what is best for the child, and respects the position of the others in the child’s life. Sadly, there are times when adoption wasn’t the birthparents choice for the child, and the safety and well being of the child is always the most important consideration.  But where safety is not a concern, even without the most ideal conditions, I think even a small amount of contact can be very good for the child.

Does every open adoption look like ours?  Absolutely not.  Open adoption is a relationship.  My relationship with one friend looks very different than my relationship with another, and they change with time and interaction.   If we are blessed with the opportunity to adopt again, that relationship will look different than the one we have with our daughter’s birth parents.

To simplify open adoption, it’s some amount of contact. That can be a small as letters and pictures exchanged through a third party.  It’s not co-parenting.  It’s not always easy.  But it can be such an amazing blessing.

Just as I was finishing up this letter, our daughter woke up and came to me.  The first words out of her mouth were “Mommy, can we go see {birthmom’s name}, please, please, please!”  I thought back on my insecurities.  Is this her saying I’m not enough? I don’t believe that at all.  I think it’s her knowing that there are lots of people that love her.  And really—can a child have too many people that love them?