Just Waiting for My Turn...

I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore but for some reason I feel the need to be here. I am currently lost and may possibly be in one of my darkest moments.  I also feel that I should share my story because as much as I would hate to know that someone out there may be going through the same thing, some one might be and I want them to know that they are not alone.


So where do I start? Let's start where we left off.  After my second D&C, my HCG numbers finally fell to 0 and the 6 month countdown began. The weekly blood test became monthly and in August we started the next stage of treatment, injectable IUIs. Somewhere in between these cycles, I had 2 hysteroscopys to remove scar tissue in my uterus which was from either the myomectomy or the 2 D&Cs.  After I got the all clear we moved on the IVF.


IVF resulted in 3 frozen embryos. 2 good and 1 fair. For specifics see my TTC History. My lining was too thin and my progesterone levels were to high to continue with a fresh transfer so we did a FET on September 26, 2014. On Saturday, October 4 (8dp3dt) I did a HPT and it was negative. I tested the next 2 days and both tests were negative. My blood test was on October 6th and I was sure the clinic would call and tell me it was negative. They didn't. A negative result is <2.0. Mine was a 3.


Let the beta roller coaster begin.


10/6 - Beta #1 -  3
10/8 - Beta#2 - 15
10/11 - Beta #3 - 27
10/13 - Beta #4 - 45
10/15 - Beta #5 - 81
10/17 - Beta #6 - 196
10/23 (one week later) - Beta #7 2668


Since I my numbers were now over 1500 my doctor wanted me to come in for an ultrasound the day after my last blood test. On October 24th, my BFF the transvaginal ultrasound revealed no gestational sac in either the fallopian tubes or in the uterus. It also revealed that 3 fibroids which I think the doctor mentioned are in areas that would not affect the pregnancy, if there was one. Now what?


Well, the plan is to do another blood test in 3 days and for another ultrasound later that day.  We can't do anything until we see something. There's something there that's creating HCG. I am scared that this is an ectopic pregnancy.


I don't know what lesson God is teaching me. I know he has big plans for me. Plans that I have a hard time seeing right now. Right now I feel forgotten. All I can do know is wait and pray that he will remember me on Monday.

November 13.  I'll be under general anthesia for another D&C to take out residual tissue. Or as it says on my consent form "Products of conception".

I'm feeling better about it after seeing my doctor.  My level should go down quicker after the procedure and then we can start the 6 month countdown.

My levels are still going down so that's a positive.

I will have to take a week off of my Insanity workout after the D&C but that's okay.  I'll start back up the following week. Hopefully because that's all I got right now to keep me going.

Bullshit. This is bullshit.

I emailed my doctor yesterday morning because I was concerned about the intermittent bleeding I'm having.  It's been 7 weeks post D&C and I'm still bleeding. Very light and occasional cramping.

I got a call from my doctor yesterday afternoon. He's concerned about the bleeding and the delta of my numbers. He wants to do an ultrasound to see if there is still residual tissue. If he finds residual tissue, I'll need to do another D&C. Damn it.

I'm so angry right now. This just pisses me off. 

I know it's what's best for me but if I have to another D&C, I'll need to stop my Insanity workouts.  Plus this might push back our 6 months wait before trying again.

As I write this, I am hoping that one day I'll be able to look back on this post when all of this is behind me. Right now it feels that that day will never come.

There's really nothing much going on with me. My levels have been going down. I've been updating my TTC History page with the numbers.  It's been going down very slowly and just grueling.  It's taking so long to get to zero.  Good thing I'm not afraid of needles because I have to keep getting these blood tests until it hits 2 or 0.

I'm on Day 10 of my Insanity workout.  It's hard but I kinda love it.  I can't do all the reps and I do take breaks but I do feel stronger each day. It gives me a goal to work towards and helps me keep my mind off the wait.  I haven't yet seen any results besides the couple pounds I've lost which is probably water weight so we'll see in a month.

The workout also comes with this nutrition book.  I found it pretty interesting. It's not a diet but basically eating "clean". Nothing processed.  I have to eat ~300 calories 5 times a day.  In the beginning it was hard because I wasn't able to eat that much so often. I had to force myself and I've noticed that by doing so I was able to last longer during the workout. I wasn't as shaky.

I've been trying to think of good things to look forward to. I still wake up every morning with that emptiness.  The memories of what we've been through still go through my mind. The 2 positive lines, the miscarriage and the partial molar pregnancy.  I dread going back to the infertility clinic, the appointments and the waiting. I wonder if we will be able to get pregnant on our own within 3 months of trying. These are just some of the stuff that I still think about. I don't think it will ever go away.  Until then I will work on me and my insanity.

When I was pregnant, I told a few people at work.  I told my boss and some of my co-workers that I was close with. Of course when I went through my miscarriage they also knew.  Well today, one of my co-worker who I shared my news with just told me that 2 others at work (both women) asked if I was pregnant.  He told them he didn't know. 

I'm not surprised of their suspicions. I was pregnant and because it was a Partial Molar Pregnancy my belly was bigger than normal. My HCG level was so high that my forehead was full of acne and I looked sick.  I was nauseous all day.  I can see why they think I'm pregnant.

Today the acne is slowly disappearing. I have more color in my face and more energy.  My belly is not as pronounced as it was but I still have a pooch.  They might very well think I'm in my second trimester and the reason why I'm looking a little better.

I'm not sure how to handle this you guys.  I am not close enough with these women to tell them what happened but every time I bump into them I will know what they are thinking. Do I need to bring some tequila to work and take a shot of it in front of them? Ok I'm exaggerating but how do you come out and say, "No, I'm not pregnant." 

Or is the solution to just be okay with what ever they are thinking. They will know soon enough when six months pass by and my belly isn't growing.

I guess I better start my Insanity workout soon.

Mid morning I could feel a migraine coming on so I reached in my purse for my pill box hoping to find some aspirin but instead it was filled with prenatal vitamins. I remembered that I had taken out all the drugs that I couldn't take anymore when I was pregnant so I wouldn't take them by accident. I guess I had forgotten to take them out after the miscarriage.

Yesterday after work, I went into the cupboard to get a snack and found the pretzels I bought to ease the nausea. And just a few moments ago, I found 2 pieces of ginger candy.

Every now I then I get these little reminders that we were pregnant. Seeing them right after the miscarriage brought anger and pain but now it reminds me of how happy we were in those 6 weeks.  I want that and I want it to be more than just 6 weeks. I want it for a lifetime.


There was a post out there on how to "clean up" after a miscarriage.  I've been searching for it and can't for the life of me remember who wrote. If any of you know please send me the link. I may have more cleaning up to do.

Slowly but surely my levels are going down.


HCG:

• 9/24: 3506.7
• 9/17: 7735.2
• 9/10: 15376.9

I was thinking yesterday I want a push present.  Don't you think that going through a pregnancy loss deserves one? I sure do.  I know it's a temporary fix but it will make me happy to buy something nice for myself. I'm thinking maybe a new bag. Any ideas?