*Pregnant women- for being so lucky
*My uterus- for neglecting me and my baby
*Dan traveling for work
*Tears
*Migraines
*Things people say to me
*The word "miscarriage"-like I did something wrong
*This acidic feeling in my mouth that I have had for days ( unrelated)
*Being on the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board (although, its a godsend)
*The fact that I can drink alcohol again but have no desire
*That I feel all alone
*That sex in no way appeals to me
* My fever (which, comes and goes)
Okay I just had to gripe and moan for one post (okay, maybe a few). I feel so down sometimes, and today is certainly one of those days. I just want to be pregnant with our baby...is that too much to ask???? It doesn't help that Dan left for Waco today. I already feel alone and with him gone it is so much worse. I feel like a miscarriage is such a private pain. It is hard to even explain. I don't have words. I am just depressed.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Another Day
Had my D & C yesterday. It sucked. I cried when I had to fill out the fetal death forms...I have never felt anything like this nor did I ever think I would. I never understood the pain and sadness that went along with m/c's until now. It is terrible. I feel closure now though. I feel as if I can move on...face another day...and quite possibly survive it. I look forward to having a healthy pregnancy one of these days. My miscarriage is a very private thing for me. I have trouble telling people. For some reason (I know it isn't true) I feel like I have failed in some way, and therefore I am ashamed to tell. I think I will feel different someday, but for now I feel it is a private struggle. I have a group online that is easy to talk to. We are all going through the same things around the same time. I find so much comfort in this. Not someone to tell me how sorry they are, but someone to say "I know, it really sucks" That is what I enjoy. It is funny how one common string can bound you together so tightly. I will forever be grateful for this whole event has been life changing for me.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Final Letter to Baby
Dear Baby,
Tomorrow is the day you leave me. Since Wednesday, I have been a wreck. My dreams for us were shattered. You were everything to me. I was so excited to tell everyone about you. This is one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever made. It does not seem fair that you left us. I hope that my love for you will overflow with my next baby. I am so thankful for our time together. I will always love you and will never forget you.
Love,
Mommy
Tomorrow is the day you leave me. Since Wednesday, I have been a wreck. My dreams for us were shattered. You were everything to me. I was so excited to tell everyone about you. This is one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever made. It does not seem fair that you left us. I hope that my love for you will overflow with my next baby. I am so thankful for our time together. I will always love you and will never forget you.
Love,
Mommy
Friday, March 20, 2009
Alone
This morning, as I was crying in the shower, I realized the worst part. I am alone. That's it. This whole pregnancy I was alone. I talked to the baby, told him to hang in there and how much I loved him. I took the pills, knitted afghans, read the books, followed the rules. No one else but me. Since Dan was on the road, this was amplified. I went to the appointments. Except for the last one, I was in the room by myself. Dan was the other person involved, no one else. I know he is so sad, but I feel alone. After the m/c, I feel even more alone and isolated.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
No good news.
Went to the dr. yesterday for my 2nd appt (10 weeks). Two nurses couldn't find a heartbeat, so they brought the dr. in. She couldn't find the heartbeat...This is when I started to worry. She asked me if I was sure about my dates...I am OCD...of course I am. Went straight into the sono room. I saw the baby, without a heartbeat. It died at around 9 weeks. The image of the baby is what haunts me. I wish the screen would have been turned the other way. I had absolutely no signs of miscarriage. I can't believe it. No bleeding, No cramping. I called Dan crying from the sono room. I just wish he was home. It is so hard. I feel jaded now. I don't know if I can be excited about another pregnancy...or just be scared. It is so early, my hurt is so raw. I just need time and peace. I wish the baby would pass naturally before my d&c on Monday. I want closure. This weekend I need to put my baby books and afghans in a box. I know it could be a lot worse, but when I see all the people that this doesn't happen to....Why me???
Monday, March 16, 2009
9 week letter to Baby
Baby Olive,
You are growing so fast. Mommy's body is finally getting used to you being in it. I neglected this letter last week, since I went to see Daddy in Texas. Hopefully, Grandpa and Grandma Fitzjarrald will find out about you this weekend. I can't wait to meet you and it is hard to keep silent about you. Always know how much I love you.
Love,
Mommy
You are growing so fast. Mommy's body is finally getting used to you being in it. I neglected this letter last week, since I went to see Daddy in Texas. Hopefully, Grandpa and Grandma Fitzjarrald will find out about you this weekend. I can't wait to meet you and it is hard to keep silent about you. Always know how much I love you.
Love,
Mommy
Oh Baby!
Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!Late posting this, I realize. I am already running late as a mother. Last week, my dad decided a last minute trip to Texas. I, of course, went along to see Dan....but that also meant I had to re-schedule my Dr. appt. :( I am going this Wednesday and hopefully we will tell the other grandparents this weekend. I am excited to tell everyone at the end of the first trimester :) Dan gets to come home this weekend, so I am really excited. Well, here goes another week...hold on, baby!
Monday, March 9, 2009
9 week survey
Ahhh time flies when you are having fun...or pregnant. I am going to the doctor on Thursday. I am so excited. I am hoping that everything is going well. Also, at the end of the week, we will be "letting the cat out of the bag" which is also exciting because I have been getting weird feelings that everyone can tell.... well here goes the survey
How far along? 9 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Refuse to weigh myself...will know Thursday. I would guess that I have gained weight.
Maternity clothes? nope.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: I still can't get enough of it.
Maternity clothes? nope.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: I still can't get enough of it.
Best moment this week: Looking down at my boobs...
Movement:nope.
Food cravings: Nothing sounds great. But fruit and anything cold.
Gender: No idea...still leaning towards boy I guess.
Labor Signs: None
Movement:nope.
Food cravings: Nothing sounds great. But fruit and anything cold.
Gender: No idea...still leaning towards boy I guess.
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: My appetite.
What I miss: My appetite.
What I am looking forward to: My Dr. Appt.
Weekly Wisdom: It is so worth it.
Weekly Wisdom: It is so worth it.
Milestones: Almost into a new bra!
Week 8 Letter to Baby
Dear Baby Raspberry,
Look at how much you are growing! I cannot believe how fast time goes. It is scary to think that time will go even faster as you grow throughout your life. I always want to do right by you. As excited as I am, I am so scared of doing something wrong...of eating the wrong things, using the wrong medicine. I know that this fear will continue for the rest of my life. I just want everything to be right. I know things won't always be perfect and I cringe to think that you will not like me all the time. I will ALWAYS love you. That is what I am here for. Daddy will always love you too. We cannot wait to meet you. I look forward to everything about you. As scared as I am, my fear subsides with my love for you and excitement to meet you. This week we are going to tell Grandma & Grandpa Fitzjarrald about you. This is exciting because there will just be more love for you. The one thing I will always want you to know is how much you are loved. I think if you know that, it will always be okay.
I love you baby.
Love,
Mommy
Look at how much you are growing! I cannot believe how fast time goes. It is scary to think that time will go even faster as you grow throughout your life. I always want to do right by you. As excited as I am, I am so scared of doing something wrong...of eating the wrong things, using the wrong medicine. I know that this fear will continue for the rest of my life. I just want everything to be right. I know things won't always be perfect and I cringe to think that you will not like me all the time. I will ALWAYS love you. That is what I am here for. Daddy will always love you too. We cannot wait to meet you. I look forward to everything about you. As scared as I am, my fear subsides with my love for you and excitement to meet you. This week we are going to tell Grandma & Grandpa Fitzjarrald about you. This is exciting because there will just be more love for you. The one thing I will always want you to know is how much you are loved. I think if you know that, it will always be okay.
I love you baby.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Another Week 8 post
Your baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.
I am so nauseous today. Nothing sounds good. I cannot believe how fast this is all going. When I first found out that I was pregnant I thought it would go so slow...only 7 months left!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Last week...
No news from me last week. I was sick with a miserable cold. That coupled with pregnancy pretty much handicapped me. I am afraid to take anything that it won't be good for baby...scary. I am afraid of doing something wrong. But my mom took good care of me, and now I am tons better...here's to a better week!
8 week already!
How far along? 8 whole weeks
Total weight gain/loss: probably lost
Maternity clothes? Nope.
Stretch marks? nope
Sleep: can't get enough
Best moment this week: hmm...sick all week...knowing that baby is sticking
Movement: Of course not.
Food cravings: none....nothing sounds good.
Gender: no idea.....still thinking boy
Labor Signs: Nope.
Belly Button in or out? Still in
What I miss: my stomach...as in food.
What I am looking forward to: appointment next week
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy!
Milestones: My boobs are growing :)
Total weight gain/loss: probably lost
Maternity clothes? Nope.
Stretch marks? nope
Sleep: can't get enough
Best moment this week: hmm...sick all week...knowing that baby is sticking
Movement: Of course not.
Food cravings: none....nothing sounds good.
Gender: no idea.....still thinking boy
Labor Signs: Nope.
Belly Button in or out? Still in
What I miss: my stomach...as in food.
What I am looking forward to: appointment next week
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy!
Milestones: My boobs are growing :)
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