KELSO'S NUTS

UK AND PRISON INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

Nothing terribly intense or outrageous to add to "incidents" in London and Glasgow except to say that it has a Cheneyish feel to it. Sort of a snug joining of a "don' fuck wit' me, mon" to Gordon Brown (a Scotsman) with a seizure of the headlines with "homeland security" pictures while a Constitutional showdown looms. Could well be tin-foil hat stuff -- we prefer to call it Richard Condonism -- but funny that nobody was hurt but that burning car plays like a yule-log.

Spent all day yesterday lazing around reading the Human Rights Watch's WORLD REPORT 2007 cover to cover and whaddaya know? The U.S.A. doesn't look all that great as industrialized (and many non-industrialized) nations as far as prison conditions and due process go. This leads to some specualtion as to whether the wave of privatized prisons has anything to do with this. And whether there may be some Constitutional way around it. It seems that if a criminal is sent to a private prison and is paid (however small) for work as is usually the case is there no case for violations of forced or prison labor rules? And if the -- say Wackenhut or KBR -- response is as a private corporation we're not bound by the same rules as federal or state governments, then aren't conditions of parole kind of null and void as to state or federal enforcement, meaning that a state cannot impose any restrictions on the paroled ex-inmate of a private prison such as restrictions on freedom of association, regulation of schedule, "forced" community service, etc.? Wouldn't the "private" vs "public" argument take the "public" competely out of the equation? Moreover, if a corporation is a legal "person" wouldn't its forced warehousing and forced work upon the inmates constitute slavery? Or at the least false imprisonment?

K's not a lawyer but has lots of questions and zero answers.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

KEEPSIES, NO BACKSIES...

...or, "once again, it's on."

No, we don't mean Elizabeth Edwards v Ann Coulter for Women's Junior Middleweight belt. We thought plenty about it and had we been booking that one, we would have written A COULTER-$1.75/E EDWARDS+$1.65. No knock on Elizabeth Edwards but despite her a big punch and not much to lose, Coulter is a rare combination of a brawler with a huge granite chin, plus speed, moves, endurance, youth+experience and the love of a nation and it's Ministry of Truth on her side.

Oh, no, we're just talking about the future of the republic is all. Watergate parallels are obvious: IRAQ: VIETNAM, LIBBY: HALDEMAN, ABRAHAMOFF: MANDEL, GONZALES: 'CHILL...We could go on but you all know that already.

It's not so easy for the good guys to win this time. 27 years of this of this crap and the Washington Post is now right-wing. Solidly. And during this time, the right win the political war and economic war, and the left win the fucking chucha boobie-prize: the culture war. Wow. Big win. Queer Eye For The Straight Guy on TV and Puff Daddy and Adam Goldberg are allowed to be sex symbols. Left such as it was give up an awful lot for that. What is the "left" anyway? Looks like Pat Buchanan and a bunch of skate-board kids from where sit right about now.

But back on Center Court, it's time to decide which side you're on. If Leahy, etc., let this one go, it's all over: the "friendly fascism" of the Gingrich/Bush era, gives way to...one can only shudder and be glad to be gone awaiting just how much craziness the inevitable invasion of our neighbors to the South will cause here. If Guantanamo, Abu Gharaib, and legalized torture are any indication, then the works of Orwell and Shirer can give of a couple of clues.

If the Democrats manage to stop Cheney (W is an irrelevancy), things may get pretty nice. An end to the wars, police state, drug war bullshit, Christian Fundamentalists telling you what you can and can't do with your lives, a smaller tax bite and lots more like maybe health care and the return of AFDC? -- with the same economy and a better dollar? -- does that sound good? It ought to. And to the Christians whose sad superstitions made this all possible: if none of that sounds good, how about this -- Condoleeza Rice will at some point be your President if you don't help? Feature that one for a second. No, Kelso's dead serious here and is happy to play the race card to make a point. No, that's too soft. Kelso is happy to be a racist to make a point. And Kelso knows very well which ethnic group was the major beneficiary of AFDC, by the way, and it wasn't the dark ones. It was never about race, though. It was always about money.

The public, the Democrats, one or two Republicans with a conscience, and just a fraction of the Christians must force the administration to comply with the subpoenas. That's it. Otherwise, it's over. And to the Christians, once again, don't you realize that even as of this date "warrantless wiretapping" has pulled in exactly zero terrorists, but many, many of your neighbors and friends and hunting buddies who specialize in Crystal-labs and Medicare-Oxy moving? Yeah, and the sons and daughters of your friends. The nice kids with the Harleys and the tattoos? And the crucifixes?

To the liberal bloggers who want revolution, it's not going to happen. In the very, very unlikely scenario that it does happen, it will have happened organically in response to something horrible, leaving no choice. Peaceful protest in the 60s model isn't going to work. Vote with your wallets and your feet. And let them know you care. You don't have to feel guilty about thinking Paris Hilton's hot and about being into all of that. It's totally normal. Even in Western Europe. But remeber 4/5 of success is just showing up when you have to.

Well, that's it. It's up to the Democrats to take a stand here. Leahy 's not the toughest kid on the block but he's not as bought-and-paid-for as Pelosi and Reid are. He's never been unpricipled, only weak. It's time to remember the Sawx, and "Cowboy Up," Pat. The people think the opposite will happen. Very nice back-and-forth comment on Washington Monthly blog about this:


Seen this movie before. Can we fast forward to the scene with Bush in a chopper on the White House lawn, waving goodbye?Posted by: thersites on June 28, 2007 at 10:17 AM PERMALINK

thersites - you're thinking of the wrong movie. In this movie, the Bush/Cheney stonewall works and the complicit media trumpet the "too divisive" line of the beltway croud, the no-balls Democrats decide it would be politically unwise to press the case, and the administration skates off into the sunset.Posted by: Ralph Kramden on June 28, 2007 at 10:23 AM PERMALINK

We'll see. But we're not optimistic. It says here that the likeliest scenario is "Ralph Kramden's." The Democrats will gamble on winning the election but once Cheney doesn't have to comply, there might not be an election or the Republican will just steal it with total Democratic complicity and tacit approval. See John Kerry for details.

Congrats to the Gunslinger on most excellent 2nd place finish in the WSOP PL O/8. Everybody's proud.

Very enjoyable watching Bedard shut down Rudy's Girls and Birds crack Clemens.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

IT HAPPENS EVERY SPRING

Well, no, I guess it's summer now. It's equatorial "winter" where Kelso is. So this doesn't really work, but since "It Happens Every Spring" is one of Kelso, Sr.'s, favorite baseball movies and I has been roughly a year since this sort of thing happened, we'll go with it.

What happened? Kelso got censured (not censored, to be fair) on a blog. Censured, as in taken to task. He thinks he's pretty fucking close to being tossed completely. This happened over on a right-wing blog last year. Some stupid fucking Wall Street dumbass site Kelso thought would be fun because the proprietors were New York Mets fans. They were indeed Mets fans but they were also Bridge and Tunnel Catholic prudes who wouldn't tolerate Anglo-Saxon oaths or frank talk about sex or drugs or even politics. Even if you agreed. It was sort of a Giuliani/Limbaugh lovefest place for Bridge and Tunnel jocks who get no play and would like to make money selling bullshit equities over the phone to dentists, but don't seem to be making enough to keep up with the prices of shit over in Yuppieville in the East 3os. Enough of that. That was last year's story. And, ultimately, what did Kelso expect? He was at once too left-wing AND too much of a capitalist for those tools, so the Mets thing did not provide enough glue. They threatened Kelso, who in turn called a Ukrainian guy, but thankfully it all ended peacefully.

This business was a whole lot worse because it was/is a left-wing blog, and you win a prize if you can find a single sports fan there, let alone a New York Mets fan. This blog, however (HEH-HEH, Smithers), is Kelso's Nuts, and Kelso gets to say whatever the fuck he wants, however he wants to say it. So get ready, Kumbaya singers, because Kelso's about to drop more shit than a pidgeon.

Some perfectly nice contributor mentions that he or she finds wordpress easier to use than Blogger. As Kelso is not one for graphics or links, he's fine with Blogger but that's not the point. The point is some dildo responds by saying something to the effect of "We want revolution...and isn't brand loyalty cute?" Or some such shit. Well, as Kelso's great uncles had gone back to Russian after the Revolution to see if it was any good, decided no, and came back before Stalin, and Kelso, Sr., had a long history of involvement in the movement, but abandoned it for the Navy and college and Kelso himself learned his trade from a couple of the remaining true believers, "revolution" is no joke to Kelso. He and Mom, Dad and Sister have spent no end of hours discussing it. And the Kelso family seems to agree on it. "Revolution" means the violent replacement of one class by another further down the pecking order: "smashing the state," if you will. No mystery there. To join up to smash the state, however, requires a tremendous degree of sang-froid from all participants. You can't just say you want revolution and that's the end of it. You have to HATE the ruling class to such a degree and have enough sadism in you that you are able to kill a child or a cop and not give it a second's thought. Sorry, earnest lefties, that's how it is. You don't get revolution by buying Patagonia clothing. Or skin products from The Body Shoppe. You think Robespierre or Lenin gave a fuck about this child or that cop. Hell no, they didn't.

The family Kelso, however, does. WE ARE PACIFISTS. Kelso's a peace-lover full stop, not a sadist. Kelso, however, knows another true believer, a real hothead who did a lot of state time in the Deep South. He thinks Chomsky's too soft, etc. Kelso once asked him if he could kill a cop or a child in cold blood. The guy said "hell, no." That was Kelso's first crime on that liberal blog. "Revolution" doesn't mean what Marx, Engels, Lenin, Buechner, Stalin, Mao, Ukrike, and every historian in the world thought or thinks it meant over in liberal blog land. It doesn't really mean violence. In liberal blog land, "Revolution" is a metaphor for changing the existing paradigm, you see. Huh? Well, no, not really. "Changing the existing paradigm" is "changing the existing paradigm." Revolution is civil war. It's killing as many of the enemy as you can without fear or pity. So, fucking liberals, please say what you mean and mean what you say. If you want to participate in a revolution, go ahead, but you are going to have to kill and maim and you're probably going to have to die in the process as well. Not likely to happen as it's hard to get a liberal to even watch a prizefight. But somehow Kelso was wrong for putting the issue into stark relief whereas the dildo advocating revolution and flaming someone nice in the process was just using some metaphor for paradigm whatever. Fuck you. You're a douchebag. Kelso doesn't want to see children and cops killed and he certainly doesn't want to do it. Kelso happens to like Kucinich's idea of a Department Of Peace.

But the bill of indictments over there against Kelso had hardly begun. Apparently, using forensic debate and rhortical flourishes or "semantics" as they call it is like how in the Federal Sentencing Guidelines having used "sophisticated means" is an augmenting factor. In other words, over there, using one's mind and one's skills to debate a point is a bad thing, because -- heaven forbid -- you might win the argument. And we can't have winners and losers, can we? Everybody just has to hold hands in a circle and be equal and sing "Kumbayaaaa....I love Barack Obama...Kumbayaaa...I love Barack Obama...." Well, here's a news flash: Barack Obama's rich and most of those liberal bloggers drive second-hand Hondas. So, there are winners and losers after all, si o no?

And the bill of indictments went on because, you see, Kelso also took the turd to task on trashing the other commenter about brand-loyalty, as if that were a bad thing. So, Kelso mentioned some of the brands he liked: Swiss Miss, Barbasol, Gillette, Kikkoman...whatever. Another augmenting factor to Kelso's sentence. Apparently, they'd settled this issue already at that blog and the verdict was that the brand-loyalists were capitalist toadies or something.

Finally, Kelso was admonished to take a testosterone reducing agent and "play nice." First of all, Kelso's blog is called Kelso's Nuts, not Kelso's lack of nuts! Second of all, the douchebag who started the fucking thing wasn't "playing nice" with the other commenter. He was trashing her. And advocating revolution knowing that the blog mommy would stop the mean man from saying those awful things. And third of three, Kelso's a leftist and a pacifist. He'll always be a leftist and a pacifist. But when he reads shit like that it makes him want to blast Rush Limbaugh at full volume and scream "ditto" at the top of his lungs.

As we posted in our apologia over there, it's nice to live in a country with national health, where testosterone and progesterone are good things, and revolution and assassination aren't and where the USA liberal blogosphere would actually fit somewhere in the center of the right-wing opposition party.

Well, this is the problem one encounters as an urban 45-year old man farting around in a universe of children. The funny thing about it all, other than the knee-jerk silliness, is that the one thing Kelso thought he might get busted for, repeating fondly something Robert Bork said at his losing (thanks, Howell Heflin) confirmation ("Show me a man under 40 who's not a socialist and I'll show you a man with no heart. Show me a man over 40 who is a socialist and I'll show you a man with no head.") wasn't mentioned by the liberal blog federales.

Ahhh...the penny just dropped. The reason that blog has all these infernal rules and has to keep vigorous debate and any hint of masculinity out of it is that it's a for-profit blog. Ah, ha. So, of course, revolution must only mean paradigm whatever, because to discuss what revolution really is might offend delicate sensibilties of the thousands of readers over there. Well, fuck that shit. This is a not-for-profit site. So, we can say anything we damned well please. And we only get a few regular commenters. But all of them are stone cold rad. And that's the way we like it. Kelso's got some shit going in the Nottingham Tennis, the Euro golf and the PGA, so that may bear fruit. And provided Kelso gets a nap, he'll go over to the bank, take out a bar mitzvah wallet and play some 25-50 NL Omaha tonight. Blog for show, gamble for dough.

AnitaXanaxNow, come back. We need you more than ever.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

TWO SUBJECTS THAT RARELY COME UP...

...here, feminism and anti-semitism, have popped up a bit lately. That observation is of no importance whatoever. There was a recent thread on another blog that got into what comprises a "feminist" and the general consensus was that orthodoxy was no good and that everyone pretty much has a right to call themselves whatever they like, believe what they like, etc. All very reasonable. One of Kelso's contributions to the debate was that although he despised Camille Paglia for her anti-semitism, he really wouldn't call her feminism into question if that's how she even labels herself.

Kelso's been going nuts trying to find one of her more outrageous anti-semitic rants online, but the slippery eel has dodged him at every turn. Please help. It was a while ago, but here's the essence of it. There was a newsworthy story about a fraternity-house gang-rape at one of the more prestigious colleges. No, not Duke. This preceded the Duke case by a number of years. Paglia wrote either an essay or an op-ed in support of the jocks. It was very, very much not along the "innocent-until-proven-guilty" or even "reverse-racism-if-they-were-black-they-could-get-away-with-it" lines. It was bad. And we don't mean it was poorly-written. We mean it was evil.

Her argument was that at the more prestigious colleges the John Hughes high-school paradigm of the jocks getting to screw all the prettiest girls gets turned on its head and the (here come the code words) physically small, intellectual, liberal, private-school, male children of psychiatrists and investment bankers get the best choices of female sex partners because of their eloquence in the classes and wit at the parties trumps that of the poor, working-class, under-prepared, earnest, conservative, masculine athletes, who at public schools or at private schools at which they were too busy with an athetic program had a natural disadvantage in the classroom and no gift of gab at the parties. Outgunned and frustrated and surprised by this new situation they find themselves in, it's only natural that fraternity jocks might resort to letting out some sexual steam by raping a woman at the frat house. And while that might not be the most gentlemanly way to do it, it's understandable.

Upon re-reading the last paragraph, anti-semitism may well be the least of her sins. The sexism -- women as chattel -- the wretched class envy of the kind that produced "Reagan Democrats" (wanted to say Hitler!) are at least as bad. Worse.

There may actually be some truth in that kind of social stratification obtaining in such an environment. A sense of the importance of intellecutal curiousity, verbal and artistic proficency must ipso facto pervade the culture at an elite institution of higher learning. So, given the way society has organized itself to this point at least in the Northeastern United States, Jewish guys probably do have the overs slightly in the playboy department on the jocks. Don't know if any sociologist has studied the question, but it would be tough to do because there would be all sorts of biases and inacurracies in the polling data, and there's way too much crossover. If one looked at how much sex little Jewish guys got at land-grant universities as opposed to how much jocks got, it's pretty likely that it's a whole other scene: the jocks get the prom queens and debutante broads and the Jewish guys have to figure it out. Which they probably do. Or maybe not. But how many stories have you heard about gang-rapes at the Florida State Havurah or Peace-And-Justice House?

Kelso's still willing to let Camille Paglia call herself a feminist if she so desires. But maybe the ersatz-intellectual has seen Animal House too many times and just developed an intense un-requited love for Niedermeyer or Marmalaard that bloomed into "theory". Or maybe she got no play from the garmento's kid in her writing seminar wherever the fuck she went to college? But had indeed smelt the felt at DKE? Kelso's going to recommend to the renowed feminist scholar who plies her trade at the Philadelphia Institute Of Art (lots of jocks there to be sure!), psychiatry, drugs, and to quote Otter from Animal House "....start drinking heavily..."

Every reader of this blog is tasked with finding this particular piece of writing by Ms. Paglia, because Kelso failed miserably. For all of you potential DCI Tennisons and Philip Marlowes, here's one clue which led Kelso up a blind alley. About 4 years ago, a self-identified Camille Paglia fan wrote something in the New York Press very much like this in which the writer complained about just this situation as it pertained to intellectuals v jocks at the college he or she went to and how it still obtains in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. This writer being less crazed-up as Camille Paglia was more clever and evaded the anti-semitism by referring disrespectfully to articulate intellectual guys at college as "Sons Of Melfi" as in the character who appeared once in The Sopranos. Dr. Melfi's over-educated son is home for the holidays and there's a 2-minute scene of the two of them having dinner following her session with Tony. Kelso does not remember which season it was or what the point of the scene was.

Happy hunting!

Kelso's Nuts love you.

THE MAN WHO LIKED TO HIT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER...

...because it was such a relief when he stopped. Kelso thinks of that old joke whenever he thinks about Mayor Bloomberg. [nb: Kelso promised he was going to rest a while and he will but Lily did link The Nuts to http://losenoose.blogspot.com/ so one short one's called for just out of respect.]

Voted against Bloomberg twice for no real reason other than a habit of voting column "A," but on balance he has been a good mayor just for not being Giuliani. Probably would be a perfectly acceptable President.

Now, to think about what we didn't like about him: the idiotic remark at the outset of his first campaign about poor people and asthma, the "free speech zones" during anti-war protests, bringing 2004 Republican convention to New York, agents provacateurs at anti-Republican protest, raiding the poker clubs in advance of his second-run, vaguely racist remarks about TWU members and boss Roger Toussaint during transit strike, supported Lieberman instead of staying neutral or backing the Republican, and most of all the constant give-aways to his business buddies while slicing holy hell out the public school system, too many fucking cameras on the streets. Too expensive to live in NY now.

And what we liked about him: rode in on Rudy's coattails but always said that he only ran as a Republican because he knew he had no chance to get Democratic nomination (rare honesty), Mark Green's ham-handed-handling of Air America takeover suggests he would have been a shit mayor, Bloomberg's mellow demeanor calmed things way down after 8 years of that maniac in Gracie Mansion, let the underground poker clubs flourish immediately and once again after he was re-elected, changed the antiquated cabaret laws, let club poker flourish again after re-election (redundancy intentional) , tobacco ban in bars and restaurants, never exploited 9/11, never preached at anyone, reigned the cops in somewhat, turned the strip clubs back into legit strip clubs, always told the Catholic Crazies like Donahue to fuck themselves, admitted to enjoying pot, a short man, good fiscal guy, seemed to be in charge but no histrionics, made the curfew later, went to games and rooted openly for Red Sox, didn't seem to be telling a lot of lies, never disgraced the city, has noticeable Boston accent, solid liberal social views probably the best other than Kucinich of these folks, decent sense of humor, was a lot of fun to watch him use the Republican Party like the cheap bunch of sluts they are, was a real entrepreneur who changed the world as opposed to Perot who was a freak and a thief, was/is single and seemed to have a good time with his female companions, actually seemed like a good-natured guy who enjoyed himself all the time, was non-pareil at damning Bush with fair praise, somewhere there's a picture of Bloomberg giving Kelso, Jr, a big hug.

His pending Independent run for President is going to cause two truly horrible candidates -- Giuliani and Obama -- the world of problems. Obama can't play Third Way Man anymore. He'll either have to switch to Republican Party or go Black Nationalist all the way. And Bloomberg'll force Clinton to clarify herself or get out. Either way, Giuliani and Bloomberg facing off will set off ethnic fireworks among Whites which will be a lot of fun. Bloomberg and Clinton will probably split up Manhattan and the Bronx. Staten Island's Rudy country. Queens is too diverse to make any predictions. The lunacy will be Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst and Carroll Gardens versus Brooklyn Heights, Park Slope, and Prospect Heights. Spanish Inquisition redux with the Jews and the Arabs slightly favored over the Catholics this time around. And Pope Benedict is hardly the peace-lover JPII was. Ratzinger's a true Nazi -- and he has a dog in this fight. Gotti/IRA symps versus Trial Lawyers. Back office versus Traders. Yankees versus Mets/Sawx. Cavemen versus Brainiacs. Northern Mediterranean versus Southern Mediterranean. Eastern Europe versus farthest Western Europe. Spiced Pastrami versus Boiled Corned Beef. Chicken soup versus Pasta Fagiole. Scalia & Alito versus Breyer & Ginsberg. Bar Mitzvah v First Communion. Albert Einstein v Pope Paul. Sex versus Violence. Drugs versus Alcohol. Pornographers versus Pedophiles. 3% Shylocks versus 5% Loansharks. Christ-Killers versus Christ-Worshippers. Ayn Rand versus herself. Epithets of the kind not heard since the days of Coughlin or Spellman or Sheen. And which way does Crown Heights go? Rudy maybe but not if Kiryas Joel 2006 was a guide and long memories over there: didn't particularly like the way Rudy's Kops handled that psycho Busch (the Hasid not the Cowboy). You never, ever know with the overcoats and wigs, once the Blacks and Latinos are out of the mix.

Trust a middle-aged New Yorker. Dinkins/Giuliani I & II (been there, done that, bought both t-shirts), Bloomberg/Ferrer (yawn!). This is the big one we've all been waiting for. This one's been simmering for too long and no one's noticed. Because it's been people of color this, White that, gay this, straight that. These are the powerhouses who haven't faced off in NYC since The Draft Riots or something. D'Amato/Holtzman (1980) suggested it, D'Amato/Abrams (1992) gave us an itsy-bitsy taste (What? Me Fascist?), but this'll be better. Like the fantasy match of MAX BAER V PRIMO CARNERA which never happened but should have. Or BARNEY ROSS V JIMMY McLARNIN which did and went all 15.

When Rudy and Bloomie square off, Bloomberg's police commissioner Ray Kelly maybe the one man who can control the mayhem, and get a Nobel Peace Prize in the process because Brooklyn's gonna make the West Bank look like Woodstock.

Wish we were there.

Kelso's Nuts love you. (And now must really rest for a while)

BEEN IN A BLOGOSPHERE FRENZY, AND...

...I have been spending sometime thinking about Colombian politics, watching CARACOL news. reading what I could and... after making a mini (for me) comment on loudmouthbitch's blog about Colombia, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't feeling this anymore. To me, it's been fascinating especially as South America's back in the news with the revelation that Feith had suggested bombing Argentina, Brazil and Paraguay after 9/11 just for fun, and because Alvaro Uribe is Bush's only ally down there. Wow, even a murderous bastard like Garcia wants nothing to do with Chucklenuts. Plus, the "war-on-drugs" continues apace, Uribe's in trouble for being so close to right-wing paramilitaries (and water's wet), and The Economist had a piece on Colombia not long ago which was vintage Economist: beautifully researched, beautifully written and a bunch of right-wing bullshit. It would have been fun to take that apart. Moreover, everything you know about Colombia -- except that, indeed, it's all about the coke -- is wrong. The place is huge and very, very diverse. The cities are huge in population and the politics are fascinating in that, yes, there's a Jewish cultural elite that hates Bush and gave money to Gaviria against Uribe. And you would have made a killing borrowing U.S. dollars and lending Colombian Pesos despite everything that's fucked-up about the place.

Those are some of the highlights but there's way, way more. And to write about it would have accomplished what exactly? It would have bored everybody.

I had some thoughts about the U.S. Open golf tournament. More boredom for everybody.

So, I'm going to take blogger Lily's advice and get in my metaphorical canoe in search of serentity. Going to run some errands which have been hanging fire. Do some work. Start working on my poker again -- which I also hadn't been feeling for a couple of weeks. And when I take the notion to start writing again I will. I cannot, however, promise that I won't be as tedious as I have been for the last two years.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

QUANT-BASED SPORTS BETTING AND FEMINISM

How wierd is that, right? First of all, Kelso loves to refer to himself as a "feminist" (a) because it's true, (b) it makes his Mom happy and (c)well...maybe we ought not get into (c)...

Kelso is also a quantitatively-based sports, horse and proposiiton bettor, one of about 500 Americans who can (a) do this thing and (b) out of whose assholes Bill Frist's weaker-than-church-lemonade come is now leaking. Although Frist's wretched UIGEA was aimed mostly at online poker, it's the sports bettors who have suffered the most. And will continue to suffer if Barney Frank can't prevent the ultimate cleft of on-line/off-shore sports bettors and poker players.

Some off-the-cuff notes about our little cohort. Maybe 50% of us would self-identify as anywhere from Center-Left to Far-Left, 25% are apolitical, the remaining 25% conservative. 100% of us, however, are FEMINISTS in the way that Maureen Dowd and Selena Roberts of the Tissue Of Lies are SEXISTS.

The reasoning could not be simpler. When the money's on the line, an athlete is an athlete is an athlete. A politician is a politician is a politician. An actor is an actor is an actor. To wit: when we speak amongst ourselves, you will never hear us refer to Annika Sorenstam as anything other than "Sorenstam" in the way that, say, Barry Bonds is "Bonds." Selena Roberts, not so much.

"Sorenstam's too short at 5/2. Ochoa's the play at 20/1," we might say, while it's always "Annika" or "Laurie" in Roberts's odious columns. To refer to women at the top of their professions by their first names is fucking demeaning.

In the discussion of political wagering, the Junior Senator from New York State is "Clinton" -- not "Hillary" unless she is being distinguished from "Bill Clinton." Have any of you ever read MoDo refer to the favorite to be the next President Of The United States as anything but "Hillary"? When it's time to bet on the Academy Awards, as a final example because as opposed to the unestimable MoDo and the ersatz-MoDo "Selena" love showbiz and fashion and see them as perfect bases for political and sports commentary, among us Charlize Theron is "Theron," as in:

"Are you going to take a short-price with Theron?"

"Screw it. I'll either pass or take a big price with Thompson or maybe dutch Thompson and Mirren. And if Theron beats me, she beats me."

So, to all of you sexist pig Wall Street assholes who think you can do what we do, here's some advice a la Damon Runyon. If you are ever in a bar or at poker table and somebody offers you a bet having to do with a risky proposition related to a famous woman and refers to that woman by her surname, as Richard Pryor famously said "RUN!" Because, douche-bag, you are about to get fleeced.

As we've already bitten Damon Runyon's style and are offering gifts to Wall Street Rudy Giuliani fans who got us in this pickle to begin with (why? fuck if I know), let's bite some of Nelson Algren's style and continue to pass out the early Christmas presents. When you fuck-heads walk into a NYC cardroom in that stupid-ass blue shirt with the white collar and you see a table full of people (including women) wearing the poker uniform (Levi's, sneakers, black-T, hoodie), just do yourselves a favor and walk out. Or, screw it, walk out two hours later with your credit cards and ATMs maxed. Who gives a fuck about you anyway?

Kelso's Nuts quiere muchisimo a su gente, pue'

THE SNAKE IN THE GRASS

...but having read that Barack Obama had nothing nice to say about one of Kelso's departed paisanos, Paul Wellstone, and is apparently not shy about playing racial politics, Kelso is THIS CLOSE to using a synonym for "snake in the grass," the one with the same two words in the middle but two syllable words as engine and caboose.

Nevertheless, Kelso had thought he was tilting at a windmill here; that he was a lone voice, baying at the moon. Apparently not. Start with this from http://www.crooksandliars.com/ and follow every link. Really, the only statement Kelso disagrees with is the one saying that his 2004 Democratic Convention Speech was "electrifying". It was tripe. As we said before Sharpton and Dean kicked Obama's ass that week. And he's a two-bit Reverend Ike. If it comes down to Obama versus Romney, Kelso's going to think long and hard before passing. Meaning passing Romney! And Kelso will definitely pass Obama versus anyone else. Obama=Lieberman. How much more evidence does everyone else need? Apparently some. So, check out David Sirota on the subject:

Although Obama said such high-profile primary endorsements were rare, a similar controversy arose a few weeks later. Just as Ned Lamont’s antiwar primary campaign against prowar Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman was gaining momentum, Obama traveled to the state to endorse Lieberman. Like the Duckworth endorsement, Obama’s move was timed to derail an insurgent, grassroots candidate. To progressives this may seem surprising, given Obama’s progressive image. But remember, according to the New York Times it is Lieberman–one of the most conservative, prowar Democrats in Washington–who is “Obama’s mentor in the Senate as part of a program in which freshman senators are paired with incumbents.”

Obama’s Ministry of Reconciliation Misses a Bridge
By: Nicole Belle @ 4:15 PM - PDT
I am the first one to admit that I found Obama’s speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention electrifying. His presidential bid appears to be trying to carve out a niche of rising above partisanship, something that after the last decade of “party over country” politics has a clear appeal. Street Prophets dubbed it the “Ministry of Reconciliation.”
Unfortunately, his campaign issued a statement about rival Hillary Clinton this week that I’d expect from a GOP campaign, not the man who wrote “Audacity of Hope”.
Pastor Dan has the details….
Filed Under: Hillary Clinton, Election 08, Barack Obama, Campaigns/Elections Share This Email This Spotlight Comments Trackback Permalink


And here's a real news flash: Clinton and Gore poll better among African-Americans than Obama does. Quite simple, really -- people of color aren't stupid and resent being treated as such. It's a Black thing, Kelso, you wouldn't understand. Oh really, and what was Obama's full-throated support of Bush Bankruptcy proposal, blood-n-guts civil rights work?

Kelso has this message for Obama. Get the fuck out of my party. Just go to Africa with your co-religionists Oprah, Richard Branson, Bill Cosby, Bono and Jerry Falwell's corpse and steal some money and never present your mug anywhere near Kelso's TV again. Oh, by the way, Obama, God didn't create man; man created God. But you knew that, didn't you, you fucking con-man. And fuck gospel music, too. It sucks. And while Kelso's not the hugest Latin music fan in the world, a blessed thing it is living in Latin Ameria that Kelso NEVER has to hear the Harlem Boys' Choir again.

But on second thought, President Obama probably wouldn't send his Secretary Of State, Condoleeza Rice, down here. He'd probably come himself. And what fun it would be watching every Latin American president from Chavez on the far left to Garcia on the far right sticking him la verga. Son, Joe Klein may love you, but try your shit out on Martin Torrijos and watch him slap a double tariff on American goods passing through the canal. How do you reckon that'll go over with The Business Roundtable, Elmer Gantry? That really would be great. Down here, they play for keepsies, not to make Tim Russert happy.

Jesse Jackson, Jr., Illinois Senate 2010! Kelso prefers the real McCoy.

And to Kelso's oldest right-wing friends, GI and JH, you're right. The only thing dumber than affirmative action is naive, liberal, PC do-gooders. Now quotas, on the other hand, get you some folks with balls. "Affirmative Action" gets you Barack Obama.

Of course, none of this means that Obama is a bad person, hardly. He's just not what you think he is. The way Kelso reads it, Obama is: (a) conservative (b) something of a Christian Crazy (c) a (chicken) hawk (d) DLC -- all the way, (e) the consummate plasticine politician and (f) very, very weak. As bizarre as George W. Bush is, his steadfastness is admirable in a sick way. And this is exactly why Obama would be no match for any Latin American president, never mind a Western European head-of-state, to say absolutely nothing of Putin, any Middle Eastern oil monarch and certainly no match for whomever the Israeli electorate chooses. Obama does not have the courage of his convictions because he has no convictions. He was thoroughly designed to stop the likes of the Congressional Black Caucus (who had gotten it right on Iraq from day one), Al Sharpton loony but brilliant, and most of all to halt Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr., who as everyday and first-time readers of Kelso's Nuts know is one of our guys.

Senator Joe Biden let the cat out of the bag awhile ago. Wonkette thinks Biden was drunk; Kelso thinks he's a tweaker but the difference is minimal. Biden has no self-control. You all remember what he said a couple of months ago: "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

If any of you are Obama and you hear something like that come out of an opponent's mouth you'd hit back hard. Obama didn't say a word because he knew he had Biden, etc., to thank for where he was. And from Obama's perpective, it was just Biden -- drunk, tweaked, whatever -- who couldn't keep it secret. Kelso's no insider, but even an old Washington hand like CBS's Bob Schieffer says Biden does this all the time. Kelso won't even go so far as to say that Biden's a racist. And it's not Biden's loud mouth that's important. It's Obama's silence. As we've already got Obama tied to the worst elements of the White Christian Right and now to Lieberman, along with predatory lenders and polluters, it's a fair bet AIPAC's in there somewhere. AIPAC, though, is not Israel. AIPAC is a bunch of rich, right-wing American Jews. Israel, as we fervently hope Obama will never discover, is a scary rad place. Its hawks are ultra-hawk; its doves are ultra-dove, it's a social democracy and it's neither AIPAC nor USA imperialism that keeps the place safe and prosperous. Take it from Kelso, who loves the Sephard-Ashkenaz inside joking and will never fail to tell a good one.

Please be Kelso's guest. Vote for Obama. Give him money. Do whatever you need to do Just know what you're doing -- you are supporting a darker-complected, slightly brighter George W. Bush with weaker political skills and no balls -- yeah, JOE LIEBERMAN. And please don't come around this blog saying that Hillary Clinton's a sell-out (sure she is) but Obama is an exciting, fresh-faced, left-winger.

Shame on you, John Edwards, for complimenting Obama on his prescience about Iraq. There's enough in the http://www.crooksandliars.com/ links to suggest that Obama was always more hawkish than Edwards at his worst.

Here's Kelso's proposition tying the last post to this one: We make it -185/+175 that Michael Milken's politics then and now were/are left of Obama's. Take the buck-seventy-five and prove us wrong.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

A V.G. BLOGGER -- http://zelleblog.blogspot.com/ -- HAS WONDERED...

...why Michael Milken is a hero of Kelso's. It's worth a complete answer, but you all have to close your eyes first, banish your images, banish everything you've read in the media, and -- most of all -- banish your reflexive prejudices. You are seeing a white canvas and nothing more right now.

Imagine now a Wharton MBA candidate with a concentration in finance. It's master's thesis time and the guy decides base his thesis upon the alternate hypothesis that sub-investment grade corporate debt has been systematically undervalued. He, Milken, like Kelso, is by-and-large a believer to some extent the "Efficient Markets Hypothesis" as proposed in three forms by Eugene Fama, which is why he has chosen an illiquid market to study with the purpose of defeating the null hypothesis that the sub-investment grade corporate debt market -- because of its illiquidity and information assymetries -- has been efficient. The student, Milken, is able to disprove said null hypothesis at a very strong confidence level and his paper shows that there are extra-normal profits to be made buying such securities, using a fine seine to weed out market risk and default risk.

He gets job in finance, then some others and eventually brings Drexel, Burnham and Lambert out of the woods by killing the "junk bond" market as a trader and becomes the firm's biggest producer. By this time, few skeptics remain. Add in a little Modigliani and Miller ("firm's value is comprised by BOTH its equity and debt) and now leveraged buy-outs at a level unheard of before are the rage, because "the market" has come to believe that subordinated debt is not such a bad investment after all.

With the new size of this market, however, come the imitators, the cheaters, the size and -- yes -- the efficiency. What was an easy game trading small size for the brainy kid doesn't exist anymore. It's now one of the world's biggest markets. And the original idea, is no longer valid. So, the whole operation grows and grows and is no longer about exploiting small inefficiencies, it's about power and wealth. Bring in Freud here because Kelso understands why it might have been fun to trade these bonds being the only one with a model to do so, but doesn't understand the lust for power and riches beyond all measure.

Milken's now running the DBL office in Beverly Hills, but as Kelso mentioned on Zelleblog, he's still driving a Nissan and living in Van Nuys because it was always about the work for him and never about the luxury. Enter America's Mayor (egged on by the oh-so-liberal Wayne Barrett and Village Voice) while he was just AUSA for the Southern District -- having lost to Cutler three times over Gotti, having made an ass of himself in the Freeman, etc., frog-march episode -- he's looking to make a name for himself and sets his sights on Milken. The latter by virtue of having to ride a bucking bronco had gotten himself and his brother jammed up in all sorts of financial malfeasance having to do with taxes, stock-parking, hidden ownership, insider-trading, and so forth. Maybe it was stubbornness on Milken's part. Maybe he got off on the idea that his Wharton master's thesis made him so powerful, who the fuck knows?

At the point at which the junk bond market is so big that it is indeed efficient and as overly risky as it hadn't been during Milken's MBA days, the indictments come. So, what does Milken do, to spare his brother, he takes all the heat himself. Think about that for a second. Do you have that much courage?

And, boy O boy, courage it took, because former stripper (as Mike Malloy says "no offense to sex workers" -- Kelso adds this fact about just as a point of inforamation), federal judge Kimba Wood, hits Michael Milken for 10. As in 10 years. No parole. Upon appeal, the sentence gets reduced to 2 years at Pleasanton, CA, Federal Penitentiary. After the usual processing, it is inquired of Milken what job at the prison he could do. Milken volunteers to teach math and reading, including remedial courses. The courses are popular. Milken's paying his debt to society and so forth.

Ok, fine. Around this time little Polly Klaas is abducted in Petaluma, and the fascist California State Attorney General Dan Lundgren along with the ethically-challenged actress Winona Ryder begin campaigning for a "3-strikes-and-your-out-law." This is velly, velly popular stuff. Law-and-order is getting everybody crazed-up in California especially given the Rodney King riots, etc. Some enterprising reporter decides to look in on Milken up at Pleasanton and finds out that the dude is teaching math and reading. The reporter gets his panties into a twist about this and claims that it's not fair that a hyper-villain like Milken should get to "have fun in a country-club prison teaching math and reading...da da da..." Under pressure, the Pleasanton warden abandons the math and reading program and makes Milken spend the rest of his sentence cleaning toilets.

The two years are up, but Milken discovers he's got prostate cancer so he takes what money he has left and invests it into research into the treatment and possible cure of this disease. His contribution has indeed had an effect. Irony of ironies, we now find Rudy Giuliani, prostate cancer survivor himself, leading the field for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States. Winona Ryder got busted for shop-lifting and possession of large quantities of opiates without a prescription. And didn't do a fucking day. Polly Klaas's father, Marc, laments how his family's tragedy was used to further a retrograde criminal justice agenda. Wayne Barrett writes two books attacking Giuliani, especially for Giuliani's lack of leadership during the tragic events of 7/11.

Was it just Kelso or did it seem like James Stewart's book on all of this, Den Of Thieves, carry a kind of ugly anti-semitism throughout?

It was never asked exactly of Mr Milken what his personal politics are and were, but from all indications, he probably was to the left of most people you'll meet in everyday life. A complicated guy, a confused guy at times, a felon, but ultimately a man of morals.

Kelso has also heard that, once again, the junk bond and convertible markets are live anew if one has the inclination to do the math.

When the media WAS a little bit liberal, they got it as wrong on Milken as they as right-wing corporatists on Bush. Kelso was a bit more knee-jerk as a younger man, but he never bit on Milken. Worth taking a look at the lyrics of one of our favorite songs "Stands To Reason" by Stiff Little Fingers (the tougher, older brother of U2 back in the day):

They say our country's on the rocks and Britain's the greatest
They say the blacks get all the jobs. They say that they are lazy
A nice girl won't let you have sex. Enjoys it if you make her
The media all twist the facts. I read it in the paper

Stands to reason

You've heard it said so it has to be the truth
Fact or fiction. What's the difference.
They say it's so
But think again.
Repeat mistakes and it's never gonna change
And you never get the truth if you never ask yourself...What do they know?
They say all cops are bastard thugs. They're all a bunch of
Scots are mean. The Irish mugs. At heart all men are rapists
Girls today they ask for it. I never touched your mother
And youngsters now are all on drugs.
Yes, thanks, I'll have another

Stands to reason

Mark my words. Take a tip from one who knows
You will know more when you're older. They say it's
so, but come again. Question it when you see it doesn't fit
And you never get the truth if you never ask yourself
So you ask me what's the score
Well, I can only say to make up your own mind
I'd rather see the whole world die than you or I believe a lie
What do I know?

We had it hard when I was young.
We used to have such great times
A man took pride in what he'd done.
You should have seen the breadlines
To get back to that golden age there must be unemployment
But kids today don't want to work. They're just out for enjoyment
Stands to reason

It won't change cos it's always been the same
People hating, people fighting. They say it's so
Do you believe that? Perhaps you do but it's only up to you
And you never get the truth if you never ask yourself...What do they know?

Let's go Mets v Rudy Giuliani's Girls this weekend.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

LIEBERMAN, OBAMA, ISRAEL, SHERIFF CLARK

In a Supefecta box. Whatever. These are your interesting stories from the past weekend.

By now, everyone's either heard or seen Lieberman's appearance last Sunday on Face The Nation with Bob Schieffer. It's all out there now, isn't it? He's advocating a ground invasion of Iran or air strikes or god knows what. Americans seem to think war is some kind of game or joke or sport. Fair enough for the goyim. But shouldn't the Jewish Face Of America, the would-be vice-president, the would-be president who promised he would not work on shabbos know better? De judio humanista, Kelso no se da cuenta ni de shabbos ni de Jesucristo ni del cielo ni de nada. But...isn't Holy Joe supposed to know better? Never mind a nuclear strike on Iran which would blow the world in two inside a couple of days. Any unprovoked assault on Iran might do the same. And, what Holy Joe, about the millions of Jews in Iran? What about them? Collateral damage, right? 6 million European Jewish ghosts are about to visit a promethean eternity upon Holy Joe. The Night Of The Living Dead, you bastard. Enjoy.

Hold the phone. Lieberman hates video games, right? Kelso's got a great idea for a new XXX-rated video game. Joe Lieberman's Night Of The Living Dead. You get to be the undead of any of the millions killed, maimed, tortured, insane during the 30s and 40s and do whatever you want to an anamatronic Joe Lieberman. Awesome.

Two more repulsive people headed for hell made the news this weekend in a tandem of sorts: Senator Barack Obama and General Colin Powell. Go figure. Colin Powell has been advising Obama on foreign policy. What's Gen. My Lai teaching Obama, anyway? How to hold up a crack vial of talcum powder before the United Nations and declaim the necessity to sacrifice god knows how many American military, Sunni, Shia, Kurds, and -- yes --ultimately even Blackwater mercenaries? No wonder not a single person has commented on this site that Kelso's all wrong about Obama. The case is closed. Powell's going to hell for sure, because as repulsive as his behavior in Vietnam through his service to George W. Bush was, Powell always knew better. His brilliant, downright radically left-wing, 2000 speech before the Republican National Convention proved that. Obama's going to meet Old Scratch, as well. Just on overall douche-baggedness. That's not Kelso's problem. Kelso's going into a pewter cup on someone's mantelpiece. Yet, there are still some naive souls out there in Gringoland who believe that Obama is the left-wing alternative to Hillary Clinton? Ka-ching. If Gore passes this up, Kelso's going to get awfully well betting on Clinton: to win outright, in parlays, in reverses, in the futures, in the synthetics, in challenge bets against friends, in on-line virtual office pools, in on-line fantasy political games. And so on.

As to another Barak. He wins Israeli Labor leadership first ballot small -- 36-31 -- over Ayalon, top Shin Bet dude turned peace-nik. Barak (Carville's man --need to know any more?) keeps his spot in Ohmert's coalition. We like Ayalon here at the Nuts. He may be the best chance to prevent Lieberman from getting the world blown in two. This somehow has a reverse Lamont-Lieberman feel to it. As Labor holds fewer than 15% of the Knesset seats, the PM, Ohmert represents some right-wing party other than Likud and another fascist, Netanyahu, way past his sell-by date, is Likud's guy, even if Barak wins the Labor leadership, Ayalon can cobble together the hidden left-wing majority (as Lieberman cobbled together Connecticut's right-wing majority), and win this thing. Or Ayalon can just smash Barak in the run-off, square off against Netanyahu, and bring Labor back. You want the zeitgeist here: Libby got hit with a very hard sentence. Wolfowitz made an ass of himself. Brooks, Feith, From, Frum, Fuerth and Kristol seem to have disappeared. Perle's digging his bazillions in the South of France. AIPAC's got dough, but like the NRA, is something only true believers proudly claim membership in. The only loud, obnoxious voices are Dershowitz and Lieberman. And as "Jewish" as Dershowitz is, at rock bottom he's a criminal defense lawyer and an American before he's anything else. Looking to take Ayalon here at a big price.

Back to the tortured Lamont/Lieberman analogy. Lamont goofed on something. He suggested that maybe Lieberman's claims about being way into the Civil Rights Movement were maybe something less than true. Lieberman got all pissy and Lamont backed down, perhaps fearing the wrath of State Attorney General Blumenthal who's actually not a bad guy and probably should have challenged Lieberman in the primary instead of backing him in the general. The Connecticut election for Junior United States Senator was a fascinating race in sociological terms. It showed a world-turned-upside-down. An elite, high-church (read: preppy) left versus a Jewish right. Lamont had Howard Dean's support, obviously. Dean's brother James was Lamont's top aide. And the spiritual guru was the late Reverend W. Sloane Coffin, who had been Holy Joe's professor at Yale. And it was Coffin who got off the best line: "Joe's an Orthodox Jew and a Conservative Democrat. I wish he were a Conservative Jew and an Orthodox Democrat." Lamont would not have risked questioning Lieberman's 60s civil rights bona fides to begin with had Coffin not had the goods. Hindshight's 20/20 but Lamont should have risked being called an anti-Semite and fought Lieberman not only on Iraq but also on Lieberman's fudged history and present day racism.

This leads us to another interesting weekend news item that slipped under the radar screen: the death of Sheriff Clark of Edmund Pettus Bridge fame. U.S. Representative John Lewis of Georgia, who took a pretty hard physical beating that day, has said that these days, old veterans of the Civil Rights era, on both the integrationist and segregationist sides often get together for coffee or a beer and talk over old times and even manage a laugh or two. A sort of organic Truth And Reconciliation Commission if you will. At a more serious level, take note of the closeness of the families of Martin Luther King, Jr., and James Earl Ray. But never Sheriff Clark. He was an overt racist until the last. He won't be missed. As time grinds on, Powell and Obama will join him in hell. Make of that what you will.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

ON WHY TOM PAXTON AND STEVE MARTIN ARE AMERICA'S BEST CRIMINOLOGISTS

What did you learn in school today
Dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today
Dear little boy of mine?
I learned that policemen are my friends
I learned that justice never ends.
I learned that murderers die for their crimes.
Even if we make a mistake sometimes.
That's what I learned in school today.
That's what I learned in school.

-- from "What Did You Learn In School Today?", Tom Paxton (1967)

Kelso, has in the recent and not so recent past stolen tons of stuff from the estimable folk singer.
Kelso has been equally brazen with the early comedy routines of Steve Martin. Most recently, we employed hyperbole in describing Giuliani's debate response to the question of "What do you think of the sentence imposed on Scooter Libby?" We stole this joke from Steve Martin: Giuliani would like the death penalty for parking violations (from "Let's Get Small" (1977).

Everything you've read above is ironic and light-hearted. This fucking well isn't:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070611/ap_on_re_us/death_penalty_deterrence

Here's is the "scholarship" itself:

http://econ.cudenver.edu/mocan/papers/GettingOffDeathRow.pdf

And -- gee whiz, go figure -- how surprising that Mr. Freakanomics, Steven Levitt, is cited in Mocan's paper! An aside: all of these weak econometric arguments for retrograde social policy make Kelso puke.

Please read the yahoo news piece in its entirety and skim the econometric piece. No, really. Do it, because in order for Kelso's posting to be effective it has to be short and can't be boring or abstract. Maybe some day we'll spend a few months analyzing this issue, but, for now, sorry to say, all you get from K is going to be shorthand.

While neither Paxton nor Martin are economists nor probabilists (Martin's supposed to be a fair NLHE player, though) both have cracked Mocan and other death-penalty proponents' arguments quite elegantly. The DNA argument that both the reporter and the scholars brush aside, seems to have been anticipated 40 years ago by Paxton, the pacifist folk singer. Steve Martin, being perhaps the more mathematically inclined of the two, employs the "limiting" argument: yes, a law requiring the death penalty for parking violations, and worse for worse, one guesses, would do way better than the best result obseved by the scholars: 18 lives saved for 1 execution. In the world according to Martin's joke, 1oo,000,000s of millions of lives would be saved by a few executions! Except even that fantasy doesn't work. See Hitler and Stalin for details.

Here's Kelso's brief take on the math. It will be a bit of a winding path but please follow. Kelso has thought long and hard about using a multiple linear regression model to win betting the world's most popular sport, soccer. What has presented the biggest hurdle in this is paucity of data which would allow Kelso to employ really good proxies for the strikers' contributions to defense, the defenders' contribution to scoring and the mid-fielders' contributions to both. There is also way too little scoring to make truly accurate player ratings. And there are way more and way better soccer statistics in the public domain than there are sociological data. Moreover, soccer is a much more "closed" system than "life" is. Think about that for a second. A successful professional gambler is chicken to bet soccer using math but some bullshit professors have SOLVED one of life's ultimate questions using the same math!

Go to page 7 of the Mocan paper to find THE SOLUTION. How fucking elegant! They solve a biblical problem by fitting a 5-degree surface to a data set that's not stationary with velly, velly questionable proxies, which, despite the professors' claims to the contrary, are indeed auto-correlated. And why not dance through raindrops instead of employing rigor? Every American loves capital punishment so this passes for scholarship. Again, even in terms of gambling, Kelso's not a gnat on a dog's dick, so go ask someone really bright in the gambling world: WSOP Champion Chris "Jesus" Ferguson, PhD, UCLA, who knows all of this shit like he knows what his mom looks like.

Or read this rebuttal by an actual scholar:

http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/FaganTestimony.pdf

Finally, let's pull back from the micro to the macro, because correlation is association not causation. HOW DO WE KNOW THAT STATE-SPONSORED MURDER, ESPECIALLY IN AMERICA'S UNIQUELY BAROQUE STYLE, DOESN'T CAUSE MORE MURDER IN SOCIETY AT LARGE?

It's important now to ask why a 2006 redraft of a 2003 working paper is breaking news on Monday, June 11, 2007. Why? It's presidential campaign season, of course. Now, that the media have most of the candidates on record as Jesus (of Nazareth not Chris Ferguson) freaks, the media have to get them on the record as domestic murderers as well as international ones. Just because that's how it is. The death penalty question is yet to be asked of the candidates, but from recollection, every Republican except Ron Paul is for it. Among the Democrats, Dodd, Gravel, Kucinich and Richardson are against it. Your big three are for it. Al Gore may now be against it following his Damascene conversion. Or maybe not. President Bill Clinton dug it as much as he did getting his freak on.

Now, for the famous final scene. Lyrics to Johnny Cash's "The Mercy Seat."

It began when they come took me from my home
And put me on Death Row
a crime for which I am totally innocent, you know.
I began to warm and chill
To objects and their fields
A ragged cup, a twisted mop
The face of Jesus in my soup
Those sinister dinner deals
The meal trolley's wicked wheels
A hooked bone rising from my food
All things either good or ungood.
And the mercy seat is waiting
And I think my head is burning
And in a way I'm yearning
To be done with all this weighing of the truth.
An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
And anyway I told the truth
And I'm not afraid to die.
I hear stories from the chamber
Christ was born into a manger
And like some ragged stranger
He died upon the cross
Might I say, it seems so fitting in its way
He was a carpenter by trade
Or at least that's what I'm told
My kill-hand's tatooed E.V.I.L. across it's brother's fist
That filthy five! They did nothing to challenge or resist.
In Heaven His throne is made of gold
The ark of his Testament is stowed
A throne from which I'm told
All history does unfold.
It's made of wood and wire
And my body is on fire
And God is never far away.
Into the mercy seat I climb
My head is shaved, my head is wired
And like a moth that tries
To enter the bright eye
I go shuffling out of life
Just to hide in death awhile
And anyway I never lied.
And the mercy seat is waiting
And I think my head is burning
And in a way I'm yearning
To be done with all this weighing of the truth.
An eye for an eyeAnd a tooth for a tooth
And anyway I told the truth
And I'm not afraid to die.
And the mercy seat is burning
And I think my head is glowing
And in a way I'm hoping
To be done with all this twisting of the truth.
An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
And anyway there was no proof
And I'm not afraid to die.
And the mercy seat is glowing
And I think my head is smoking
And in a way I'm hoping
To be done with all these looks of disbelief.
A life for a life
And a truth for a truth
And I've got nothing left to lose
And I'm not afraid to die.
And the mercy seat is smoking
And I think my head is melting
And in a way that's helping
To be done with all this twisting of the truth
An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
And anyway I told the truth
But I'm afraid I told a lie.

As much as Kelso hates bathos from others, he despises it from himself, so we return to our usual closing with some (lately bad) sports opinions. U.S. Open golf finds the usual suspects to be value in the outright market: Allenby and Stricker. The 2007 Tampa Bay Devil Rays are starting to feel an awful lot like the 1990 Atlanta Braves, i.e., a likely last-place team on the verge of fighting Rudy Giuliani's Girls and the Sawx every year for two of the playoff spots. In addition to all of these young power hitters, to a very good young staff of starting pitchers, in comes Andy Sonnastein, who may be as good as Kazmir or Shields. Wow. This team is going to fart around a bit this year using or not using a fine pitching prospect named Tim Corcoran while wasting time with two burnt-out former prospects, Casey Fossum and Edwin Jackson, and in 2008, the American League East will have quite a surprise.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

MIKE HUCKABEE AND THE WAY FORWARD

Huckabee's answer to the question about creationism versus evolution has stayed with us for days. We thank a merciful God that very few other devout Christians in public life have his level of comfort with his own belief system combined with his ability to articulate it. If the 50mm Fundamentalist Christians in America were all as bright and serene as Governor Huckabee is, America in 2007 would be some kind of terrible stew of Nazi Germany, Salem, MA, of the 17th Century, Hollywood of the 1950s and the Soviet Union.

So, we present once again a parable drawn from Kelso's own life. The time was 1993 and the place was Hollywood Park racetrack. Kelso and a friend had arrived early for some reason and were having some sodas in the no-smoking section on the ground floor of the clubhouse when Old Glory was raised and the Whitney Houston "cover" of The Star Spangled Banner was played. Every single person there, with the exception of Kelso and his friend (whose sister was some sort of factotum in the Clinton administration), stood, covered their hearts with their hand and sang along. Kelso's friend turned and said "when I used to see that stuff, I'd get all pissed off that people are just sheep and nothing's going to change...now, I just wonder, why aren't I rich?"

And there it is in a nutshell. Elsewhere, things are complicated -- long histories, empires, losses of empires, philosophies of all sorts, and so on. In the great United States there are only two forces that carry any weight at all: Jesus and Money, both very loosely defined. Jesus is, perhaps, shorthand for eternal life, and with Money we include its close cousin Fame, meaning the TV. Sex, war, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs legal and illegal, etc., serve their function. They raise dopamine and seratonin levels. Jesus and Money, however, are the shit. Ronald Reagan promises both and he either sets the record or comes awful close to it in 1984 v Mondale.

Armed resistence is not going to happen except -- possibly -- if February of 2009 finds George W. Bush still Chancellor. And if he's there it's just as likely that there's a military coup as a civilian one. And all of this talk, talk, talk about diplomacy and science and reason AND Jesus from the Democrats is sickening. How can that sort of talk convince anyone to vote that way when 50mm Americans are hearing every Sunday that all they need to do to LIVE FOREVER is to hate gays, Arabs and Mexicans and believe in some very strange interpretations of the Old and New Testaments? Oh, and vote Republican. And here come the Democrats saying to vote for them because they care about you. No, they don't care about you at all. They care about Monsanto and Aetna's campaign contributions. So, let's see, one side is promising me eternal life and the other wants me just to trust them to do the right thing? Why should I bother? I'll take eternal life, thanks.

The likely election of Hillary Clinton or Al Gore will forestall what must be said but eventually the Democratic Party will come around to saying "it." "It" is a sort of reverse Pascal's Wager. They have to make the point flat out that one has an infintely small chance of living forever and of having any prayer answered and prejudice only reduces that chance still because maybe God punishes those who hate. Then, they have to present the alternative: math, science, reading, reasoning, peace -- and not wasting precious living moments hating anybody for not being straight or White or something -- presents a small but non-trivial probability of lots and lots of Money, Money that can be stolen legally from the believers. And maybe even a non-trivial probability of getting on the TV. And what does that cost? A few hours of homework? A little extra effort on the job? Collective bargaining? That's nothing. And, so what, there's a little residual fear of sickness and the abyss. Free health care takes care of the former. The intoxicant of your choice used responsibly or the latest meds or just good old sex takes care of the latter, temporarily to be sure, but they work.

Finally, instead of this palaver about faith getting one through his or her darkest hours, how about asking "the people" whether a few extra bucks might not have done the job a little better? Or more crudely, "how's that Jesus stuff working out for you? No, really?"

It's as simple as this: in a fair-and-square contest between the guy who went to Liberty Baptist and the guy who went to Princeton, Kelso will always take the latter for everything he can get into the pot.

Kelso, though, is nobody. He's not even a gnat on a dog's dick. Take Dick Cheney's word for it. Go the White House website and see the proud Grandpa of Mary Cheney and Heather Poe's baby boy. Dick Cheney has billions of dollars and all the power in the world and he's always on the TV. How much precious time in a finite life is he wasting in church or hating gays?

All said, it's kind of an ugly thing that somehow wealth and people always on the hustle make for a more socially tolerant environment. Kelso does NOT want to come across as some kind of Thomas Friedman, not hardly. There is, however, a certain re-innocence one gets living in the capital of a newly secular, newly democratic country whose booming economy is based solely on moving money and moving goods. This place is very strange and the bizarre combination of money everywhere and probably the world's most ethnically-mixed society informs Kelso's point of view. 9/11 may have "changed everything" everywhere else, but in Panama the large Jewish community and the large Muslim community get along pretty damned well. 9/11, the Middle East, and all of that are more subjects of dark humor than of hostility. One's skin color, one's ethnicity, one's sexual orientation, one's likes and dislikes, beliefs and lack thereof do not create the kinds of enmity you find everywhere in the States. Problems arise with broken promises and bad debts. If President Torrijos can look Condoleeza Rice in the eye -- subaltern as she was to folks who had hands in the assassination of his father, Operation Just Cause, the subsequent puppets and so forth -- and not blink, one has to believe that the almighty buck must have something to do with it. It sure ain't the fabulous art museums and local theater troupes because there fucking aren't any. Plasma TVs, tax-free at cost you got. Students of history and foreign affairs would know best, but perhaps when the first big-time symphony and the first big-time art museum appear, things will change for the worse, classism will be more of a factor and the vibe will not be so nice. As a philistine, Kelso's not in a hurry for their arrival, neither the classical music nor the classism. This is, however, a subject for another day and for smarter folks to ponder.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

THANKS A LOT, POINT TAKEN

Politics, sports, economics and journalism are boring. So's yer old man.

But, given that we have no idea what's happening to Paris Hilton or to Anna Nicole Smith's remains, how about this? We have a small share of a fashion show tomorrow and will be watching that instead of the Belmont Stakes. The thing's called Hed Kandi and you all probably know more about it than we do, assuming that this kind of stuff is more compelling than your own republic. Ok, we'll grant sports and economics are not everyone's bag. Nevertheless, if you see Hed Kandi in NYC, Milan, Barna, etc., in the coming year, know that all we've done is up our sports unit, pass la plata al hijo, and continue to wear the same pair of pants four days in a row -- and continue to prattle and bore.

Your international correspondent deeply regrets above Eminem/Johnny Thunders moment, but please forgive. Equatorial winter is brutal. 90-plus degrees every day, 99% humidity and no shortage of rain. "High tonight, low tomorrow and pre-cip-itation is expected." Name that tune.

We slept through The Shoe Lady's little visit here and that's a blessed thing because on an ordinary day the traffic's a mess. Taking her risable attacks on Chavez (Christ, $$$ is all that's keeping Keith Olbermann on the air) and the re-ignition of the Cold War in Europe into account, local business community is a little froggy about what's to come. Chavez has his way of doing things in Venezuela. Uribe has his way of doing things in Colombia. Opposites to be sure and Kelso's down with neither, but Torrijos has gotten it right in Panama and we don't need no stinkin' destabilization. Stay away, please. We got the message loud and clear from the bible college folks at the DOJ and are quite happy tucked away in our little corner. But every time we remember that it was Jimmy Carter and Torrijos's dad (R.I.P.) what signed the canal treaty, and see that CITGO sign during ESPN Espanol telecasts of Red Sox games, we take an extra Vasotec! Middle-age is a son-of-a-bitch sometimes.

Dutching HARD SPUN and IMAWILDANDCRAZYGUY in Belmont Stakes.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

"YOU ASK ME IF I LIKE ARSENIO/...

...about as much as the bicentennial." -- Ice Cube, 1991, AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted.

Though we never much cared for Arsenio Hall either, this is Kelso's 200th posting and attention must be paid. Polymaths here, we like Ice Cube and Arthur Miller (and Arthur Okun). Did anyone besides Anonymous FB read yesterday's entry?

Congratulations to the Anaheim Ducks on their magnificent Stanley Cup victory and to one of our favorite players, Scott Niedermayer, on his cup MVP. Too bad this team plays in a city that doesn't give two shits about hockey. If the Ratner plan for the Atlantic Yards goes through (we hope it doesn't, Anita), Ducks ownership ought to consider a move to Brooklyn where people much prefer hockey to hiking -- ok, in Park Slope and The Heights not so much. The Brooklyn Golden Blades in honor of the old WHA franchise doesn't sound bad. Don't think the NY metro-area would mind the return of Scott Niedermayer too much. In Anaheim or Brooklyn, the Ducks look like they'll be pretty good for a while. McDonald, Perry, Penner, Kunitz, Beauchemin and Shannon form an explosive core of young players. We're assuming they will re-sign Giguere and keep him in goal for a while, giving them a super tandem of Giggy and Ilya Bryzgalov. Guessing Niedermayer and Pronger will be around for another year at least, but they'll miss Teemu Selanne if he retires. Not that Kelso minds the various investment opportunities that management's propensity for carrying so many bruisers like May, Moen, Parros and Shawn Thornton provides, but they don't need all that muscle. Replace three of the above with some finesse players and you've got the Detroit Red Wings. Kelso's tin foil copa de Stanley sits atop his escritorio.

Great moment in the sala last night. Kelso arrives lameting the Mets loss to Philadelphia to a former New York transplant by way of Israel. Said Israeli tells Kelso "I hate baseball...it's so boring." Mohammed to Israeli Michal's left admonishes him. "Never say that to a New Yorker. You know better than that. New Yorkers like baseball more than sex." Muy, muy listo, el Arabe este. Mad as a hatter, Mo, but he knows from what he speaks.

Kelso's acquaintance the political journalist Michael Tomasky ex of The American Prospect seems to have landed a fine gig at The Guardian (UK) writing about American politics. His masterpiece, Hillary's Turn, about her first run for the Junior New York United States Senate seat is brilliant and a must read if anyone wants an insight into her now that she's likely to be the next President. Tomasky was one of the first journalists to recognize that Ms. Clinton is no liberal and was one of the first to pay attention to the decent-sized cohort of us who dislike her for her conservatism and never had any notion that she was some kind of crazed-up feminazi communist.

Tomasky has taken some heat on liberal talk-radio and in the blogosphere for his piece lauding Pelosi for allowing the war to go on not because of any bellicosity but because of a political calculus. Look, if Kelso had his way Angela Davis would be president and there never would have been a war, but in a democracy nobody ever gets everything they want. Bush completely buffaloed the Democrats on this, and to be sure it was their own fear that got 'em buffaloed, but the leadership's choices were limited and there really are too many of those wretched yellow ribbons out there to take any chances. In fantasyland, Tomasky's a DLC square, but this is reality so give him some room (to quote the English socialist musician, Billy Bragg). The Democrats definitely should have filibustered Alito for the Supreme Court and should not have been so into the flag-waving in 2002. Kelso's also no fan of Pelosi. She's another Bay-Area richy-rich like Dianne Feinstein and Gavin Newsome, but give her credit for pushing Murtha over uber-hawk Hoyer for Majority Leader. Reid's no beaut either -- casino industry whore basically -- but he, too, has had his moments, including backing Feingold on the bill which would have ended the war the soonest. This was a tough call and it could not have been fun for the leadership knowing they were betting at least another 1500 American soldiers' lives. We don't like it, but we're going to see how this particular capitulation plays out.

Tomasky was also good on Obama. As far as we could tell here, he's the only big name journalist to agree that Obama's a horrible debater. Tomasky does join the pack, however, in lauding Obama's oratory, which Kelso thinks is also weak. On the subject of name-brand Black people, Tomasky has it half-right about Tiger Woods. Tomasky compares Woods to Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali but that's all wet. While Jordan had the best career, there were many years in which he was not the best player in the NBA. And for a career, Chamberlain, Olajuwon, Russell, Johnson, etc., are quite close. Ditto in boxing. Ali is the greatest boxer ever but the gap between him and Mayweather, Jr., for a career is not that big. Nor was Ali the best in every year of his career. Woods, in other words, is better than Jordan or Ali -- by a lot. The comparable athletes are -- sorry, Mike, this doesn't fit the whole Black thing -- Babe Ruth (before the uppercut swing was generally adopted) and Jack Nicklaus. One probably could make a case for Josh Gibson of the KC Monarchs if a dark-skinned comp is necessary. Don't believe Kelso. See the Stanford University scholarship on the subject at http://www.wagesofwins.com.

From the It-Happens-To-The-Best-It-Happens-To-The-Rest-Dept.: Davydenko small +5/1 over Federer.

Kelso's Nuts love you.

199th POST, ODDS AND SODS

The Libby sentence is as good a jumping-off point as any. We have no idea whether 30 months of federal time with no chance of parole plus a $250K fine is the appropriate sentence or not. It's what the prosecution asked for, fits the rigid "guidelines" apparently, and seemed appropriate to Judge Walton despite the entreaties of General Peter "Queer Fear" Pace and James "Apostate" Carville. Nevertheless, it is ALWAYS the policy of Kelso's Nuts (tm) to side with the individual over the institution, so we wish peace to Irving The Scooter, Jr., and his family and girlfriend Judith Miller plus all our heartfelt bruchas in what must be a terribly anxiety-ridden time. We take no pleasure in the prospect of Libby's doing the 30 of durance vile and we don't countenance prison rape jokes on this site. If only Dick Cheney would have acted like a man and taken the heat, Libby wouldn't be going through this, but what did anyone expect? Libby's probably not a bad guy overall. We admired his representataion of Marc Rich but resented his Zionism and his involvement with PNAC. If Bush pardons him, fair enough. If an appeals court overturns the verdict, fair enough. None of that is particularly interesting.

To quote Dennis Kucinich's remark about Iraq, Libby's sentence creates a "teachable" moment. Every Republican on the dais during last night's debate, especially Adolf Giuliani, was pretty incensed about the verdict and the overall comportment of prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. Oh really? The knee-jerk evidence of hypocrisy is the comparison of those same folks' attitudes towards Bill Clinton's lies under oath (Clinton did not commit a crime as he had no intent to deceive as we've said before but go watch the Paula Jones deposition and decide for yourself), but there's a bigger issue than the bullshit of Libby good, Clinton bad. 30 months and $250K kind of does feel excessive for political acts and if the Republicans had one hair on their collective asses or one remaining uncorrupted brain cell, they'd take this moment to rethink this zero tolerance, punishment based society of yours. And so would the Democrats. And the bloggers. And Kelso does not give a crap whether or not Libby was a so-called "law-and-order" conservative.

The entire criminal justice system needs an overhaul. Let's say goodbye to the death penalty. Let's say goodbye to mandatory sentencing guidelines. Let's say goodbye to the privatization of prisons and it's concurrent de-facto use of slave-labor. If Hugo Chavez is ready to pay the equity holders of Venezuela's private banks far over the odds, the U.S. Government can do the same for Wackenhut equity and bond holders. Let's say goodbye to the "war on drugs". Let's say goodbye to "broken windows" policing. Let's say goodbye to goodbye to habeas corpus. Let's say goodbye to warrentless wire-tapping of Americans by Americans. Let's say goodbye to the Patriot Acts. Let's say goodbye to Echelon. Let's harmonize cellular phone tapping (no restrictions) with land-line tapping. Let's redress the ethnic imbalance in sentencing by making them all more lenient, not more strict. Let's put Pell Grants back. Let's fund The Legal Aid Society at appropriate levels. Let's give federal judges more sentencing discretion. Let's stop prison overcrowding. One person to one prison cell works. Let's demiliatrize the police. And if the lights ever do go out, won't somebody get Dick Wolf and Stephen Bochco and "go medieval"? Irving Libby, Jr.'s future gives Kelso no pleasure. Why should such a future for a garden-variety car thief or dope dealer give you so much pleasure? And never mind the economic costs which brings us to an email from Anonymous FB....


U.S. Rule of Law Is One Explanation for Strength
6/5/2007 7:30 AM EDT
People who have earned large fortunes want to retain them.
U.S. is still one of the safe havens.

The process of repatriation will only end when the political winds change abroad.At the end of the day, one of the things that continues to keep our U.S. markets highly liquid is the notion that we are still one of the few nations in the world of large size where there is rule of law. So it only makes sense that those who earned their money in places where they took advantage of the lack of rule of law are quite likely to want to retain their wealth by investing in a place where it is safe. Sure, places like Switzerland are considered safe. However, the size of its domestic market is not very large and thus, one of the reasons we see a lot of money from Switzerland in the domestic hedge fund community.

I believe this foreign flight to safety capital to be a long-term process that has been building for some time. One of the places that we first saw it was in our fixed income markets, which have consistently been strong despite a vicious bought of inflation. Clearly the petrodollar repatriation in equities is in its early days. [emphasis Kelso's].

Only time will tell if the sovereign governments have the willpower to continue investing in our markets. After all, the political winds for their own domestic investment must be strong. However, for now they are one of the tailwinds pushing things higher.

The email came to Kelso with neither the author's name nor copyright, so please forgive any transgressions of copyright law or intellectual property rights, and let's see what's there. As of now, pragmatically speaking, the author of the piece is right as far as the relative safety of the U.S. dollar is concerned but there are some problems with his evidence and his conclusion. His evidence is somewhat flawed because the performance of the USD has been atrocious. Practically every currency in the world is beating the tar out of the dollar. The Colombian Peso is way stronger, for God's sakes. And we all know why: the U.S. debt, the U.S. deficit, the Wars, and the housing and commodity booms. The pressure is just too strong and despite the prevailing philosophy of monetary neutrality, there is an equally persuasive argument that raising interest rates is just replacing demand-pull inflation with cost-push inflation. The global currency markets are telling us this and letting some steam out bit by bit, but the big one is coming. It may come when China cries uncle because of Bush saber-rattling. Or it may just come out of the blue one day, as in Keynes' "animal spirits."

Kelso would also like to know what evidence the author of this piece has that money from private Swiss Banks is coming in greater numbers into dollars than into Euros.

But let's get back to the so-called "rule-of-law." So far, so good, but tell that to Ruth Peacock, one of the founders of Party Poker and in the top 5 of 2005's Forbes 300 of the world's wealthiest women. She may have even topped the Queen Of England that year at least as far as income if not outright wealth. One sneaky little move by Bill Frist and George W. Bush and Ruth Peacock's net worth fell by 98%. This after both Donald Rumsfeld and Republican Senator John Warner of Virginia told Frist to fuck himself and his Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act. Rule of law, my eye! Hugo Chavez's darkest fantasies don't include anything like that.

So, "invest in our markets"? Why bother?

And big deal, we were wrong about Federer's vulnerability. We're wrong about everything else!

Kelso's Nuts love you.

GOP DEBATE REVIEW

Ron Paul blew it. Just as Gravel failed to capitalize Sunday on his previous performance, Paul was equally wan. Obviously, Wolf Blitzer is in no hurry to give Ron Paul too much time to speak, so Paul, like Gravel, had to make the most of his opportunities and failed to do so. We're not sure if it was a combination of age, fatigue, frustration or fear of Giuliani, but Paul fucked it up. And it's a damn shame because he's a good guy with a lot of good ideas -- many of which we loathe -- but at rock bottom he's all that's good about the libertarian approach and is the finest dyed-in-the-wool libertarian we've seen in a while on the big stage. How Ron Paul doesn't raise his hand to support the right for gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military tells you everything you need to know about Ron Paul. Bye-bye, we hardly knew ye.

The sense Kelso got from the talking heads was that McCain was the winner with his physcial approach toward the woman who had lost her brother in Iraq. Bullshit. It was a cheeseball move, but not an unexpected one from the really high volatility guy in the race. McCain said and did nothing of note except to tone down some of his bellicosity.

Giuliani didn't do much except repeat his usual "9/11" mantra and got very, very lucky that Wolf Blitzer is a Republican, because when Giuliani responded to the question about pardoning Libby by getting pissy about how the sentence didn't fit the crime, his law-and-order credentials went flying out the window. Blitzer sucked the bracciole and that was it. When Giuliani was Mayor of New York he wanted the death penalty for parking violations. And do the names Diallo, Louima and Dorismond ring a bell? Giuliani's tactic of going after Hillary Clinton and the Democrats was pretty sharp, though, considering he holds a 3-1-1 lead on her head-to-head through June 3 in the polls, and it gave him some breathing room with the other guys on his more moderate social positions. Not an atrocious night for the front-runner but nothing special.

Tancredo is a nut-case but was funny in his response to the question about how he might employ W in a Tancredo adminsitration. He also answered the Libby question forthrightly without hiding behind the "appeals process" figleaf. Tommy Thompson is much more entertaining when he's drunk. A non-factor tonight. Don't really know what to make of Gilmore. Why is he bothering? He can't go back to Virginina and beat Warner or Webb for Senate or Kane for Governor. He's not about to try to get a House Seat. He doesn't seem like a snug fit in any of the other guys' cabinets, nor does he offer anything to the Republican National Committee, and he offers nothing other than the usual Republican talking points that make everybody in America fall asleep. One can only guess that he's in it for a cushy ambassadorship.

All the above is obvious. Aside from Ron Paul (borrowed time) and Tommy Thompson (alcohol jones), if you are a Republican voter you pretty much have to like all of your choices. Very, very little separates them on the issues and on those issues very little separates them from Bush. This "Immigration" issue is a canard. The bill itself is foul as is the know-nothing response to it by the ultra-right. Whether you support it or not, you are saying you hate Latinos for no good reason other than because you are a bigot. The Democrats are equally bad on the issue. Bill Richardson is the only candidate with an opinion worth listening to. We've forgotten where Obama stands on it, but if he's for it, then Kelso has a modest proposal for the Illinois Senator. Let's build a wall around East St. Louis, Illinois. That will solve a lot of crime problems and satisfy a lot of bigotry in the process.

Romney. Romney. Romney. What the fuck is wrong with you, boy? Romney is the best pure politician the Republicans have in the race and he ought to be making a joke out of it. Instead, this flip-flopping and non-English English a la Obama is burying him. Whoever is advising Romney to play to the base is doing him no favor; he's just wasting Romney's natural gifts. Giuliani's leading the field for Christ's sakes and he's not worrying about "the base." Hillary's running away with her race and she's not worried about "the base." Romney can still pull this out if he runs for the Republican Nomination the way he did for Governor of Massachusetts. Looks, height and savvy are not enough. The field is too crowded and too alike. There's a lot of room between Giuliani and the rest on the social issues. Clarity your positions and you win it. Or else...

...your CNN Saint Anselm's College Republican Debate winners -- Senator Sam Brownback and Governor Mike Huckabee are going to pass you, Governor. These are the guys, remember, who gained notariety by claiming not to believe in evolution. These are the Neanderthals, right? Well, maybe not so much. When the Lupine Mr. Wolf Blitzer asked Huckabee to explain himself on that, Huckabee gave perhaps the most profound philosophical explanation of faith Kelso has ever heard from a politician. Huckabee even took time to discuss the idea of "6 days" as a metaphor. It was a masterful 30 seconds and Kelso can accept that this is one seriously bright guy and might actually do something to unite the believers and non-believers if he wasn't such a fascist on everything else. Brownback also came across as a serious guy, albeit also one Kelso wouldn't support with a gun to his head. Brownback's heartfelt remarks about cancer and our fear thereof was the real emotional moment of the debate, as contrasted with McCain's "yellow ribbon" bathos which was probably fucking planned anyway.

Kelso's Nuts love you.