The Classical version of "Baby Mine" is playing on Pandora. Naturally, I think of you. I thought it was time to write down some of my thoughts.

I knew without a doubt there was 1 more child that was supposed to be part of our family. I never was able to get pregnant as quickly as I did with you. I knew that first time we decided to try for another baby that something incredible happened. I knew before I even took a pregnancy test that you were here. When I finally took a pregnancy test, it was immediately positive. Both lines were dark, also a first for me. I happily shouted out to your dad to come and look. I was so excited and so surprised. I felt that this was surely a sign of how meant to be you were for our family.

Given my history, we started prenatal care right away. I had my hCG tested 2 days later and the quant that came back was higher than I had ever had. I tested it again 4 days later and it was an excellent rise. You were a viable pregnancy. I had an early ultrasound done. Everything looked wonderful. I saw the flicker of your heart and your heart rate was 111, perfect for an early pregnancy.

I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant yet. I wanted to tell everyone and now I wish I had. I was happy. But I have lost a pregnancy before and that was so difficult for us. Ok, so I'm totally jaded and ever since that loss I have held back telling anyone about my pregnancies until about the 20th week. I will admit that at the time, I wondered about the timing of all of it. Your brother was going in for heart surgery and I had never been so worried about any of my children like that. I was so stressed as I worried how that would all play out. And for that I am sorry. I wish I could have focused more on you and our short time together. But given the hCG rise and early ultrasound I thought our time would go on. I had no reason to believe I would lose you.

I saw you in another ultrasound 2 days before Liam's surgery. This would be the last time I would see you alive. Your heart was a strong 170 and everything looked perfect. Your growth was right on schedule. Luckily, your dad was there too. He saw you once. We saw you wave. We were so happy. It almost felt too good to be true. How lucky were we to have you. What a strong spirit you had and brought with you. You were a part of our life during the most stressful time and yet you thrived during that time. You were a miracle. You were what kept me as grounded as I could be during that time. You reminded me of all the perfection and goodness in the world.

After Liam's surgery went so well I felt happier than I can ever remember feeling. All of my children were well. Your tiny heart stopped beating around the time Liam went back to school. It was as if as soon as he was fine, it was time for you to leave.

I didn't have any idea you had passed away. This bothers me more than I can tell you. I knew when you were conceived, how could I not know your spirit had left? I don't think I have ever been more devastated than I am now. It has been one thing to lose you, but it has been almost unbearable to have the post-op complications that I have had and what that means for me and our family's future.

I go to sleep crying. Sometimes I wake up crying. I cry during the day. I want to shut myself inside my house from the world. If I could have done something differently to save you, I would have. For every question I find some kind of answer to, 10 more questions arise. I feel like I am drowning in sadness and doubt. I feel like I need something.... but I just don't know what that something is.

I feel like my heart is shattered. I feel like I will never be happy again. I have never wanted anything the way I wanted you. The last night I was pregnant with you, even though you were gone, was still time I was with you. I woke up the day of surgery at 3 am. I went into the bathroom and dropped to my knees and prayed as strongly as I prayed only one time before. I poured my heart out, but it didn't stop any of the pain that just kept coming.

I had already planned out how we would switch around bedrooms. I started buying things for you. I started thinking of names. I would have another baby here this Fall, for all my favorite holidays. I could picture your fuzzy little head. I could smell your sweet new baby scent. I could feel your weight upon my chest as I pictured rocking you at all hours of the night. You were here and you were real. The loss of all the plans I had for you is another loss in itself.

Ashlynne knew you were here. She told me there was a baby in my belly before I even tested. She would put her ear to my belly everyday and talk to you. She said one day that you were being good. Another day she said you were tired. After you left, she knew. One morning about 1 week after my D&C, she crawled into bed with me. It was early morning. I love that early morning light. No one else was awake. She looked at me said that you were still here. I felt like your sister at only 4 had a greater understanding than I did. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought of you.

I fear that I will never understand why you couldn't be born and that I will never have the greater perspective of whatever plan is in store for me. I worry that I won't be able to be truly happy again because you should be here. I know that I am not a lot of things and I may not have it all. But I know that I loved you from the instant you were mine and I will never stop loving you. I would have been a good mother because I loved you. I would have done everything if my power to give you all that you needed and wanted. You would have never been put down with  older siblings who would have covered your chubby cheeks in kisses everyday.

I am so sorry that it didn't work out. I wish I knew why. I wish there was something in my control I could have done differently. I will never say goodbye. I don't think I could ever do that. I really hope you  are mine in the eternities. The one hope of 'til we meet again is all I have left.

There is nothing more comforting than the sound of a heartbeat.

Liam finally had his heart surgery in March. We planned for the worst case scenario, but ended up with the best case scenario. It was truly miraculous. It only took about 5 hours. As soon as the 6 catheters were placed in his heart he went into atrial fibrillation all on his own, no medication to stimulate SVT was needed. He went into SVT in the lower 2 chambers, but not into ventricular fibrillation, so they never had to shock him. The extra electrical pathway was in the left ventricular side. This is exactly what we had hoped and prayed for, it was the most treatable location. They would be able to burn the pathway which is more effective than freezing. They could not access the pathway via his PFO, so the surgeon had to make an additional hole in his heart. This hole that was made inside the heart would not cause Liam any pain, as there are no nerve endings in the heart. After the 2 surgeons burned the pathway they injected medication into his heart and could not get Liam to go into SVT which meant that there was only 1 extra pathway and they had shut it down. They did an echo immediately and saw fluid around his heart, which could have been a result of the surgery, but we later found out that night with a second echo cardiogram that the fluid had not increased, so it was likely already there and unrelated to his surgery.

The surgeon met with us in an office and showed us a printout of Liam's heart. This picture showed us exactly where the catheters were placed and where the pathway was located. We learned that his extra electrical pathway was seriously dangerous with how quickly it was conducting electricity. We had waited just long enough for Liam's heart to be big enough for the surgery, but had done the surgery just in time.

When I saw Liam in PACU the first thing I looked at was the monitor. His heart rate was 108 bpm. A completely normal heart rate for the first time ever. I will never take a heart rate for granted again. He did extremely well post-op. He was admitted as an inpatient. He had to lay completely flat and still post-op for 6 hours and he did it with no complaints or tears. He had an EKG after his echo that night. His surgeon came in to speak with us. We compared that night's EKG results with his previous ones and were astounded. His Delta wave was totally normal and completely flat. His PR interval had slowed way down. I feel like with so may surgeries you don't necessarily see immediate, measurable, or readable results. We saw test results that proved his surgery was a success.

Liam was able to come home the following day. He was sore and stiff and tired but only cried when his pressure bandages were removed. He slept a lot over the weekend. He will take aspirin for a few months. He will see his surgeon in May. If the pathway were to reopen, it would most likely happen within the first 2 months post-op. So after he undergoes some tests in May, we will know more. If those test results come back normal he will follow-up with his surgeon every year for the rest of his life.

I have noticed the color is back in his face, He was so pale and the circles beneath his eyes were so dark. He has started eating more and gaining weight. He gets up around 7:30 am instead of 11:00 am. His energy level is up and he is able to be more active and keep up with kids. He feels good and is happy. I felt that I witnessed a miracle. His heart has been repaired and he does not have a pacemaker. Only time will tell, but I have a really good feeling that he will have an amazing and full life.

I was pregnant during this time. I had seen my little baby 3 times through ultrasounds. I actually saw my baby 2 days before Liam's surgery and all was well, a heart rate strong at 170 bpm. I knew there was another little one that was meant to be part of our family. I knew before I even tested that I was pregnant. I kept the pregnancy to myself, as I have experienced pregnancy loss before. I was nearing the end of the first trimester and felt confident that I should soon let everyone know, but decided to wait until Liam's surgery was over and he was recovered and back at school.

When I went in for my next appointment I had no reason to believe that anything was wrong. My OB could not find the heartbeat with the Doppler, I wasn't worried, that happens. She did a bedside ultrasound and I knew immediately. You could just tell that little spirit had left its body. There was no hand waving this time. I saw the OB try to play and measure the heartbeat only to see a flat line on the screen. She measured its body and it had stopped growing 5 days prior to my appointment. How could I know when this little life was created, but not know when its spirit had departed? I had to meet with my Perinatologist to confirm its death and then again with my OB to form a plan. I had a D&C first thing the next morning. It is such a stark feeling to wake up from a D&C not with child when I was the hour before. After receiving Pitocin and contracting for a good hour post-op, I was recovered in the wing with all the new moms and their newborns. I just wanted to sleep and wake up somewhere else.

My week post-op was extremely rough physically and emotionally. I have cried everyday. I fall asleep crying and I sometimes even wake up crying. I had just experienced a miracle with Liam's heart, why oh why couldn't I have this miracle too? Why did that little heart just stop beating? I have been sad, irrational, and quite frankly mad. I knew this baby was supposed to be here, why couldn't it stay? What kind of plan is this? I have so many questions that I will never have answers to.

The only thing I can make heads or tails of at this time, is that this little one hung on until Liam was recovered and went back to school. As soon as he was ok, I mean that very day, this little one passed away. I am thankful for this one tender mercy, I could not have been the support that I was and as strong as I was for Liam if I had lost this baby beforehand.

I remember the night of Liam's surgery day. Once he was settled, I went down to the cafeteria with my mom to get something to eat. As I sat at the table I was truly, truly happy. For a moment all was perfect in my world. My kids were all ok and healthy. I paused to give thanks. Little did I know then, that could not last. I have come to appreciate the small fleeting moments of perfection.

....But what I would not give to hear that baby's heart rate one more time going strong while relishing the fact that Liam's was normal, slower and steady. Heartbeats are my favorite sound.