What has 2010 brought me? What can I be thankful for regarding this past year? Well, first off, I can be thankful it happened. I know that I, personally, often wonder why things happen to me....and what did I do wrong to have all of this stuff go on in my life? And when I look back on that train of thought...I often feel very selfish. I know that things have been tough....even very tough, but I know that I'm not the only one going through tough times. It's extremely obvious to me how many are out there...even out of our community....that deal with things on a daily basis that make them question whether or not to go on. Yet, they do.... Many do. They do because I think people honestly believe that there have to be better days ahead. I think there is a real power in the belief of hope. And hope can exist on very different levels. I can hope that the Wisconsin Badgers win the Rose Bowl, but I can also hope that someday I will hold my very own baby on Earth. The first one seems so simple compared to the second one. Yet, they are still "hopes." They are still wishes for the future. And they are wishes that would not exist had 2010 never happened. So, I am thankful for 2010, despite how difficult it has been. And I know that without it I wouldn't be where I am today. I know that 2010 has changed me. And as my favorite song says, "I have been changed for good."

Here is my top 10 list that has made 2010 memorable (some good, some not so good):
1. Starting my blog...meeting all of you.
2. Support groups and Miles of Hope for Moms that Mourn (thank you so much to my IRL friends)
3. Duke winning the national championship and the Badgers winning the Big 10
4. Moving to Madison
5. Being offered a job...then turning it down
6. Grams in ICU on Christmas....entire family shows up to be there for her and each other.
7. Kennedy's gravestone being put in...gave me a "place" to go to talk to her.
8. Celebrating Kennedy's life and sharing her story with my friends, family and the world.
9. Trip to Chicago
10. Love and support from people that I didn't expect it from.


Goodbye 2010....thank you for the memories both good and bad that made me who I am today. This is a person I am proud to be. Hello 2011, may you surprise me (hopefully with more good) with all that you can offer. I hope the same for all of you. Many happy wishes....and a hope for wonderful days ahead.

Just recently I was able to do some catching up of one of my favorite dramas, "Grey's Anatomy." I'm sure that many of you probably watch it... But this year has hit a little closer to home as the residents of Seattle Grace Hospital are trying to overcome the grief and post traumatic stress disorders of the tragic killing spree that occurred at the end of the season last year. After losing many co-workers and dealing with some very devastating situations, the storyline this year has revolved around how the residents go on with their lives. As we all know, it would and should vary from character to character, and "Grey's" has done a very good job staying true to that form. Some of the residents were able to move on very quickly while others are still dealing with the ramifications 6 months or more later... One character in particular is Cristina Yang. Cristina was forced to save the life of her best friend's husband while being held at gunpoint. Her boyfriend, at the time, was also shot by the gunman while she was performing the surgery. Cristina was able to complete the surgery, have it be successful along with her boyfriend living, yet Cristina hasn't been able to overcome the grief and PTSD of the situation. **Spoiler alert**Since the shooting, she has refused to do any other surgeries and even quit her job (so sorry if I spoiled this). Cristina has been to see a grief counselor and has the support of some very loving friends. This has all been helpful to her, but she's had to make decisions in the best interest of her. She chose not to perform any more surgeries. She chose to quit her job. She chose to feel comfortable with only certain people. She chose to make other life choices. This is how a tv character is dealing with her grief....and this is the way we should all be allowed to deal with ours. The show that I just watched ended with a very poetic and thoughtful statement that I thought fit all of our situations in some way, shape or form:

"The goal of any surgery is total recovery - to come out better than you were before. Some patients heal quickly and feel immediate relief. For others the healing happens gradually, and it's not until months or even years later that you realize you don't hurt anymore. So the challenge after any surgery is to be patient. But if you can make it through the first weeks and months, if you believe that healing is possible, then you can get your life back. But that's a big if."

Not that I think what we have gone through can ever be totally recovered...but I think the things that we do for ourselves help to benefit us. They help us to heal. And some heal quicker than others....some choose not to blog. not to join support groups. not to connect with others. not to remember really at all. and they are okay with this. For the majority of us....the healing is taking time. And some days are better than others. But the idea is to be patient and know that we have time. And that if we need time, we should take it. There's no time line to grief. Just believe that time will heal...and does. There is no guarantee that you will get the life you had before back (which many of us already realize), but there will be pieces still there when you are ready. There will be things/people waiting for you. Those are the people/things that truly matter. They are the things/people you want and need in your life. It will be worth it to be with those people or do those things when you are ready. Just give it time. Cristina Yang is learning this...and we are all too. Check Grey's out sometime. It's really been a great season to do so. (By the way, I'm not at all affiliated with the show) :)

I was so honored to host a day for the 25 days of Giveaways...thank you again to Tina for all she did to set that up. What a wonderful idea for such a "trying" month.... Hugs to all of you who made it through the past holiday with flying colors. As I have busy catching up on blogs, I have seen how so many of you did what was best for you with the holidays. You found ways to honor and remember your babies but also only did what you could handle. That's what this ride is all about....finding ways to deal with the incredible loss/es we have all suffered and doing what's right for us. I have a lot to write about in the upcoming days, but this post was about the winner of my Christmas Eve giveaway....

So, congratulations goes to Comment #16: Ali. I'm so glad that you will have this necklace to remember your little Cadynce with. Hugs to you, momma. I will contact you via email soon. Thank you to all who entered....I really enjoy giveaways, so I'm thinking that by 100 followers, I may be up for doing another one. Hopefully, that comes soon.
Thank you again to Michaela....at Metal Stamped Memories....I love the work that you do. My recent purchases from you are beautiful. Always sending love to you and your family.

Dear sweet Kennedy Kate,

Merry Christmas in Heaven, sweetheart. Wishing you a day full of fun and excitement up in a place where smiles are a plenty and you fill never-ending love. May you know how much you are loved down here on Earth always....and may you know that you will always be remembered. Hugs to you, my sweet baby girl. Mommy found some poems and a song that reminds me of you this Christmas.

Love you always,
Mommy

P.S. Please keep saying prayers for your Great-Grandma. She desperately needs you to watch over her today more than Mommy does. Thank you, sweetie.

P.P.S.
Dear friends,
The 25 days of giveaways was such a success for all baby loss families....I so enjoyed hosting a day and providing an opportunity to bring some hope and joy to someone this holiday season. Due to my current family situation, I would like to keep the giveaway open until Monday, the 27th. It will help give me time to plan and get everything in order for the winner. So, please feel free to enter if you haven't already. Merry Christmas, dear families and friends. Wishing you a day to find peace and joy in your hearts to last the whole year through.


Angels in Heaven

We have angels in heaven
Who look down on us here
while the world all around us says
"Be of good cheer!"

Everyone else is bustling about
We simply watch it go by,
yet we just want to shout~
Don't you know it's not merry
at this time of year,
when our lives feel so empty
and our eyes fill with tears.

We can't bear the thought of another holiday
without our precious loved one
who was taken away.
But your child's spirit does live on,
though their physical being may be gone.
Look around and you will see
their soul lives on in your memory.
You'll see your child's eyes so bright
In every twinkling Christmas light.

There are angels in heaven
Who look down on us here
And they are trying to tell us,
Don't worry we're near!
We love you and miss you,
we'll never be far...
Just look to the sky
and the bright Christmas star.

Take a special moment
throughout these blessed days
to remember me in the kindest of ways...
Give my smile to a person,
who needs it like you,
and my spirit will live on
through the things that you do.

Tammy L. Tobac 1993

'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
~ For Bereaved Parents ~

'Twas the month before Christmas and I dreaded the days,
That I knew I was facing - the holiday craze.
The stores were all filled with holiday lights,
In hopes of drawing customers by day and by night.

As others were making their holiday plans,
My heart was breaking - I couldn't understand.
I had lost my dear child a few years before,
And I knew what my holiday had in store.

When out of nowhere, there arose such a sound,
I sprang to my feet and was looking around,
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The sight that I saw took my breath away,
And my tears turned to smiles in the light of the day.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a cluster of butterflies fluttering near.
With beauty and grace they performed a dance,
I knew in a moment this wasn't by chance.

The hope that they gave me was a sign from above,
That my child was still near me and that I was loved.
The message they brought was my holiday gift,
And I cried when I saw them in spite of myself.

As I knelt closer to get a better view,
One allowed me to pet it - as if it knew -
That I needed the touch of its fragile wings,
To help me get through the holiday scene.

In the days that followed I carried the thought,
Of the message the butterflies left in my heart -
That no matter what happens or what days lie ahead,
Our children are with us - they're not really dead.

Yes, the message of the butterflies still rings in my ears,
A message of hope - a message so dear.
And I imagined they sang as they flew out of sight,
"To all bereaved parents - We love you tonight!"

-By Faye McCord - TCF, Jackson, MS
(the following poem is submitted in loving memory of Lane McCord (/26/65 - 9/13/98) and is dedicated to all bereaved parents)

Merry Christmas, Darling - Carpenters

Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you

Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you

Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you

Instrumental Interlude

Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you

(Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas - Darling)


I love you, Kennedy Kate.

After reading Jennifer's story at The Blue Sparrow, I knew that I had share a story about a five year old kindergarten student I spend some time with each week. For confidentiality's sake, let's call this little boy "Luke."

A couple of weeks ago, Luke was sitting on his carpet square in his kindergarten room while his teacher explained what they were going to do for their next project. This project was to create an ornament for their parents. As the teacher explained that only one child would make two ornaments since she lived in two separate homes, several students became confused and wanted to make two also. The teacher explained again how this ornament would be for the two parents that live in your house. As Luke raised his hand to explain his situation, Mrs. P, looked at Luke and told him that he would be making an ornament for his Mommy Jen and his Daddy since his other Mommy was in Heaven. Luke seemed to be okay with this at first until more conversations took place about other parents that were away in different cities on vacation or work conferences. This evolved into the teacher saying that their parents would be back at their house sometime and could see the ornament then. Luke then raised his hand. Mrs. P called on Luke. Luke said that he could send his ornament to his mom. Mrs. P told him that his Mommy was in Heaven..."How could an ornament get to her?" Luke answered, sounding very informative, "I can put the ornament on a balloon. Then I can drive to Illinois and send it up to her." Mrs. P looked at Luke and then at me and then back at Luke with tears in her eyes and said, "Of course you can make two ornaments."

As Luke remembered his Mommy and made her an ornament to send to Heaven that day, I realized the innocence and ever present knowledge that little kids hold. Luke's Mommy is in Heaven. And that's where he wanted to send an ornament. This made sense to him in a very senseless situation and world. As I watched Luke make his ornament, I felt a very close bond to this little boy. His innocence is what I feel most days....an innocence to do things for a baby that is no longer here. Yet, so often, because we are adults, others don't give us a "right" to be that innocent. They tell us or think to themselves that we should have moved on by now....that life must go on....which we all know it does and we do, but it should be on our own time schedules. Luke can do that...and will do that. Why can't we too?

This is why I believe children may be smarter than many adults. This five-year-old understood the meaning of remembrance and never-ending love. He understood the importance in honoring his Mommy during this very special holiday season. Thank you, Luke, for teaching a lesson to many adults that day. May they hold that lesson in their hearts always and show compassion to any person that suffers a loss.

My dear Baby Loss Families and Angels,

I am making a request to all of you during this very difficult time of year. As you pray for peace, support, love, baby angels, and rainbow babies, may you find some room to pray for my grandmother, "Grams" (as I affectionately call her). Two weeks ago, she fell and broke her hip and wrist. Since then, she has taken a turn for the worse and is now fighting pneumonia in ICU. After already beating cancer and dealing with emphysema, Grams is now fighting to breathe and stay comfortable. She has been a pillar of strength for me this past year as she is a Baby Loss Momma herself over fifty years ago. She lost two baby boys at different times (both at 7 months gestation). I believe that my uncles are up in heaven with all of our babies waiting for their mother to finally come Home, but I'm not ready for her to go just yet. I still really need her.... She's my rock. She's my hero. She's my inspiration to go on when things get really tough. So, please....when and if you have time, please add her to your prayer list.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love to you all.

"Whisper a wish to a butterfly and it will fly up to Heaven and make it come true" . I saw this on Fran's site, Small Bird Studio, and just had to add it to Kennedy's site. I have yet to find out where or if this necklace or ornament is made somewhere, but I will be in search of finding someone who could make this for me. I'm also looking for where this quote is from. It's absolutely beautiful...and made me cry thinking about all the butterflies I saw this summer knowing that they symbolized my connection to my little butterfly in heaven.

The one wish I would send to Heaven is to hear those sweet words, "Mommy," coming from my little girl's mouth. That's it...sounds simple...but so difficult. I cannot wait until the day that I can be with my little girl again and, hopefully, hear those beautiful words that make it known to the world that I am a Mom. A Mommy to a beautiful little angel in Heaven. (sigh)

I never really imagined that I would ever write on a blog talking about wishes I had for my life at 29, but instead I would be fulfilling those dreams and wishes by just living my life. I have seen many blogs in the past couple of weeks in which posts have been aimed towards expectations that haven't been reached or dreams that have been crushed. As we all know, our dreams have all been crushed with the loss of our babies. However, these posts share even deeper thoughts about how we all expected more out of our lives by a certain age or a certain time. Here I am about to turn 29, and all I can think about is what have I really done in 29 years? What have I accomplished of the dreams I set out to pursue so many years ago?

By 29, I figured I would be happily married, have at least one living child, and be in the heart of a graduate school program. I figured I would be looking into buying a house or even have bought one by now. I might even be in a different job at this point in my life. But none of this is true. Not one little thing. And although I know that some good has come out of 29 years on this Earth and there are even times when I'm truly happy, it hurts to see how many dreams have vanished. It hurts to realize that there are dreams at 29 that will never happen now...or maybe not at all. That's what hurts most of all.

But don't get me wrong, as I stated before, there are times when I truly feel happy. December has opened that up for me again. I feel more joy out of just living than I have in the past 2 months. I see some lights at the end of many tunnels. My body even feels better than it did last month. This, in itself, helps me to know that there is hope for tomorrow. That the dreams that I once had for myself may not happen right now, but maybe there are new dreams still to pursue. I have even come to think that Kennedy may be showing me the light in many ways. I feel more connected to people than I ever have before. I feel more ambitious to do things for me. I tend to focus on what's truly important in life. I know that, overall, I have become a better, healthier person. These are all positives about 29. There is a new maturity to me that I may not have had if things had turned out differently. Please, don't get me wrong. I would do anything to have my daughter back with me, but because I don't, I'm trying to see what life has in store for me now. Maybe Kennedy had messages that she needed to send to me now that she couldn't had she physically been here. I don't know....just a thought.

Anyways, on Thursday, I will celebrate another year. And although I feel some sadness in realizing all that I don't have this birthday, I am coming to some realization that there are some things that I do have. And some of these things are good. I'm hoping that 29 is a good year for me. The other day, I sat at support group for infant loss and said that I couldn't wait until 2015. Everyone at support group chuckled and wondered why so far away. I will be 33 years old then. And for me, good things got to be happening by then. They just got to.

November has been a terrible month for me. And I haven't quite figured out why... Was it that the anxiety and anticipation of October wasn't as bad as I thought it would be? And that in all actuality I enjoyed finding ways to honor my little girl. So, maybe November was kind of a let down in a lot of ways? No one really wanted to talk about plans that would be made for Kennedy or even mention her name at all. We had passed October... It was time to move on. Maybe? Or maybe the doom and gloom of cold weather hit and the overwhelming sense of glee and happiness from others over the holidays hit? I really don't know...but I do know that I can't wait to turn the calendar to the next month. Although I anticipate the busy-ness of this month and the sadness from missing my little girl during the holidays, I am willing to accept the change of the month in hopes that it will be a better one. Somethings gotta give, right?

So, here's to you, December. The magical month of many holidays, my birthday and beautiful snowy weather. May this month bring more happy times and smiles to last into next year. Wishing this for you all this month, even though I know it may seem to be quite difficult. Hoping you find something that makes your heart glow again. Maybe it will the 25 days of giveaways or the holiday gift exchange? Maybe it will be a friendly comment or card from a fellow BLM who understands what you're going through. Maybe it will be a heartfelt text from a long-lost friend that just wants to show you that he/she cares? Whatever it may be...I hope it comes to each of you at least once during this month. We all deserve a break, why not make it during the holiday season? Hugs and love.

Dearest Kennedy,

Mommy is very much looking forward to a change of pace this holiday season. A change of heart...where I feel some comfort knowing I'm doing things for me and in honor of you at all times. I hope you like your new little things that I put out for you at Roselawn. Can't wait to add more as the month goes on. Hoping the snow doesn't prevent that.... I am so curious of what Heaven is like this time of year. Wondering if you're wearing beautiful red dresses with bows in your curly hair (I'm almost positive it would be curly). Thank you for keeping watch over me and all the people I love. I can feel your presence with me, sweet girl. Keep smiling, little chickadee, and know that I always love you. Happy December, KK.

Love you,
Mommy

I have been meaning to start this post awhile ago...especially around the time that my life kind of went into a tailspin (about a month ago), but here it is, November 28th and I'm ready to write it down.

Do any of you ever feel like you just can't be "you" anymore? I mean...we talk so much about making a life out of our "new normal," but I still find that I can't truly be "me" as the "new me" with most people. I find that people want me to be the same girl/woman. The girl/woman before I lost Kennedy. Before my marriage started going really bad. Before people weren't sympathetic or empathetic to my situation. Most just think I can go back to being that person. A year later...and I'm still amazed at the pressure to be "okay" and back to the "old me."

But I find that I really only feel like "me" when I'm with people who truly understand what I have been through. And that's people who read my blog. People who I have met through my bereavement support group. And my counselor. There are so few people that "get me." Those are the people who really listen and really support me. They have been through it and are working to know who they are too.

I think this has been very difficult for me to deal with since I pride myself on having so many wonderful friends and family. And I still really do have wonderful friends and family. But most don't understand how I am doing...and really just want me to be "better." These are the same family and friends who would rather just forget that Kennedy even existed than mentioning her name. In the past 6 months, I have been working on spending more time with my friends and getting back into the "swing" of things again, but I still find it difficult when Kennedy is never far from my mind. How do I take part in small talk or minor problems when I am still dealing with all of the "major" stuff in my life? I hope this doesn't sound selfish...but I realize that it might.

There are days that I just wish I could take part in "small talk" conversation and realize that this is just "normal." I wish that talk about "Dancing with the Stars" would come as easy as it used to....but it doesn't. I wonder if it ever will.... But maybe that's just me being me now. Maybe I'm such a "deep" person due to my situations that the small talk of everyday life just doesn't interest me anymore. I have no idea...but I do wish I had some answers. I wish I knew how to be me with everyone. I wish everyone would just accept me for who I am now.

By the way, my dear BLMs, one of my wonderful friends, Melissa, who completely accepts me for who I am now is having a giveaway on her blog, Amazing Mikayla Grace, in honor of her 50th post. The prizes are amazing!! Good luck!

November has turned out to be a very tough month for me...and it kind of came out of nowhere to be that way. As of late, it has gotten a little better, but I knew that the holidays may be a little difficult. After all, this was supposed to be the first holidays for my little girl had she been born in February like the doctors had predicted. However, she's not here....and I do hope that she is able to enjoy the holidays as she might have had she been here on Earth with me. After all, my little girl does deserve the best.

This week has been very interesting. On Monday, I had a car incident where my front bumper (which must have been loose) detached from the front end of my car and caused me to swerve into the median of the highway and then across traffic. I just barely missed a couple of signs and other cars, yet in so many ways, it didn't feel like any cars and signs were very close at all. I almost felt like there was some sort of protection around me. Like someone was watching over me wanting me to be okay and to live. Maybe even to live for her. As I sat on the side of the road hardly able to move due to the shock effect, I felt a true sense of connection to my baby girl. A connection that goes deeper than just being a mother to a baby on Earth. It's a connection that allows me to believe that my little girl is being taken care of and is okay. It's a connection to realize that she is up above always watching over me. It's a connection that runs deeper than anything...part of my soul is away from me. And part of my soul will always be away from me until I leave this Earth myself. Thank you, Kennedy Kate, for being a part of my life. Thank you for making me a mommy and allowing me to know what true love is. Thank you for being my angel and for watching over me. I will try my best to live my life without you and be thankful for each day I have here on Earth. You are an absolute blessing in so many ways. I love you always, my sweet baby girl.

Also, as this is my first Thanksgiving since starting this blog, I felt it was very important to take the opportunity to show my gratitude and appreciation to all of you out there who read my blog and support me with your kind words and prayers. I feel truly blessed by this community...and am a better person because of all of you. I know that I would not be where I am today....a stronger, healthier person who has come to appreciate life in a completely different way than I ever did before October of 2009. So, this Thanksgiving, I am also thankful for the friendships I have made and the people that I have met through the help of my beautiful daughter, Kennedy. Although, we all say how much we wish we didn't have to know each other under the circumstances that we "met", I know that our babies have given each of us a gift. A gift to find people who truly understand. A gift to be able to write our thoughts down and share them with complete strangers. A gift to want to share the story of our babies for the entire world to see and hear. And a gift to be there for others as we continue on this journey called life with pieces of our hearts in Heaven.

Hugs and love to you all this Thanksgiving. Wishing you peace today and always.

It's been awhile since I've been on here...and I have definitely been missing writing and reading fellow BLM's insights and good well wishes. I have been needing it with a desperation incredibly deep the last couple of weeks. I have taken a turn....and it's been a turn for the worse. I have allowed myself to put up a strong facade the last couple of weeks as I try to rejoice in the birth of one of my best friend's babies and as another shared that she was pregnant with her first. I have also had to put on a strong face through the loss of one of my friend's sisters these past two weeks as I want so much to be there for her. It's been a very trying couple of weeks. And, of course, I continue to ache and grieve for the little girl that I will never hold or care for. I feel overwhelmed by my sadness lately....and I realize that it's just a part of the wave/rollercoaster, but it's been very hard to function.

However, I have had one thing that I have been looking forward to and that is the Miles of Hope for Moms that Mourn walk that will take place tomorrow. One of my co-workers (the one that made Kennedy's hope chest) found this walk on her runner's world and sent it to me right away. We have only known about the walk for the past week and a half, but I was able to get some people together to do it in honor of Kennedy. I am excited that some fellow BLMs from support group will be joining me that day in our walk of remembrance and hope. Despite the fact that it is going to be quite chilly in Wisconsin, I am thrilled to have this opportunity and do it with people that love me and love Kennedy. I will take pictures and add them sometime this weekend or into next week. I am hoping that this walk gives me some renewed sense of hope and remembrance in a good way. I am in need of that right now.

Love to you all....

After reading Melissa's post on Amazing Mikayla Grace today, it gave me perspective and inspiration to write about some things that have really been bothering me as of late. Since celebrating and honoring Kennedy's heaven date on the 22nd, I have wondered where I would be in my grief journey. In some ways, I almost thought that I would be "done" with my journey and ready to "move on" with my life. I thought that there might be a possibility that the peace I found that day would offer me some hope in returning to what my life was like before my loss. Realistic or not, this is what I thought.

However, different events in the past couple weeks have led me to return to the angry state. The angry state has been caused directly by the guilt I have been feeling. I am feeling guilty because of the time I have lost grieving my little girl. After hitting the year anniversary, it hit me how much time has gone by. How much has happened in a year. And how much I haven't done for anyone other than myself.

This is a terrible realization. And a truly sinking feeling. I've come to realize that I was doing what was best for me, and it was something I needed to do in order to be "healthy me." However, in my eyes, it doesn't make it okay. In the past two weeks, I have had two friends call to catch up. Neither of these phone calls have been returned by me yet. (Although, I have tried...just not at opportune times for the friend...and I knew that). In the past week, I have had a best friend have her first baby and another friend lose her sister to liver failure.

I finally made an effort on Sunday to see my friend's baby. I even held him....but not before feeling some anger at myself for being jealous that she had a baby and I didn't. I am guilty of wishing "he" was my baby. I am guilty of wishing that was my life. And I am guilty of not being there for her at all times. I wanted to be the one to help plan her shower. I wanted to help her register. But I didn't do any of those things...I couldn't. And I gave myself the "ok" to be that way, but I hate what it's doing to me now.

And then my friend that lost her sister... What a terrible situation. Her sister was 27 years old and had been fighting liver problems for four years. She was actually number one on the transplant list for the last few months before she passed away. I have known that her sister had been dealing with this for a couple of years now. Last year, they held a benefit for her right around the time I lost Kennedy, so I had a good idea that things weren't going well. Yet, I have maybe seen this friend a couple of times in the past year. We may have talked four or five times. And all along, her sister was dying. Yes, it was sudden...but it's the whole idea. I should have been there for my friend. I should have called her more often or gotten together with her to see how she was dealing with her sister's sickness. But no...I put myself first. And now I feel the guilt. And it hurts so much. Now, I feel like I'm playing "catch up." When I got the news of her sister's death, I sent messages and a card right away. I called to see what I could do. I made sure to answer my phone the minute I saw that she had called. When I was finally able to talk to my friend, I made sure she knew that I was here for her. I also offered to help with the benefit or the visitation that they are holding on Saturday. I want to make up for the lost time. I want to stop this guilt. I want to do what I can...and put others first.

I realize that a lot of time has gone by...and I also realize that I'm a different person, but the Alissa of a year and a half ago would have done anything for the people she loved. She would gone above and beyond the call of duty to reach out to long lost friends or set up get togethers. I want so much to go back to that life. I want to be that "old" Alissa. I want this guilt to stop. I want to move on, but not forget my Kennedy and all that she gave me. How do I do this? How do I change what has happened? How do I stop this awful feeling....of guilt?

Dear beautiful daughter of mine,

Mommy just wanted to send a little note to you letting you know how much I am still thinking of you this week and especially, today. Today, Kennedy, was the last time I was able to say good-bye to you with you physically still with me. I can remember exactly the way it felt and the way I looked when doing it. I had been told by the nurses that I needed to start getting ready for surgery. So, I went into the bathroom at the hospital to change into the gown that they had given me. As I got undressed, I remember looking in the mirror for the final time while having you in my tummy, put my right hand on my tummy, and said "Goodbye, my little angel. I will miss you." After that, I couldn't look in the mirror the rest of the day because I knew nothing would ever be the same again. You would never be with me on Earth in a physical matter.

When it was time for my surgery, I was taken in the bed through the OB section of the hospital. I remember how they took me right by the babies. Although, they tried to do it in the fastest manner, it was one of the things that I will remember most. I knew that you would never be in that window, Kennedy. I knew that my baby would never have the chance to be "oohed" and "ahhed" at or asked whose beautiful baby that was. I'm sorry you didn't have that, sweetie. Then, the surgery came, and before I went under, I guess I asked the doctor to do another ultrasound to make sure that you were gone. I have no recollection of this, Kennedy, but it must have been on my mind enough to really want to make sure before they took you away from me. I also made sure that once the procedure was over, that I wouldn't have to actually see the ultrasound they would do to make sure you were completely gone. I couldn't bear to see that empty screen without my little chickadee in it. Today, I still have haunting memories of what that will look like.

After the surgery, I remember a strange sense of relief. I wasn't in so much physical pain anymore...but the pain was different. It was an ache for you. But the pain was more in my heart than in my back, tummy and legs. It's the same pain I still feel for you today a whole year later. I ache to hold you, kiss you, and be with you. I ache to be your mommy here on Earth. I think I will always feel that, Kennedy. No matter what...until the day that we are with each other again.

Oh, Kennedy, how I miss you and wish that things could have been different. How I wish that you were here with me today celebrating the birth of your "cousin," George and getting ready to go out trick-or-treating with your Grandma Gigi. You would have been the cutest baby in your costume (although I have no idea what you would have been). I continue to see baby Dorothy costumes and shoes, so we may have gone that route this year. I know that I really have no idea how you would have been on Earth...if you would have been sick, hurting, in the hospital, etc., but I know how much I just wish you were here. Granted, I wouldn't want you to be suffering, so I pray that you are well up in Heaven...and happy. I know that we will be together again someday, but right now, that just doesn't seem soon enough.

Please have fun with your angel friends up in Heaven...there are way too many of you up there, and I wish it wasn't that way, but I am glad that you have friends and people that love you. Hugs and kisses to you, my baby girl. Happy Halloween, in case I don't write again!!

Love you always,
Mommy

And the winner for Kennedy's heavenly birthday giveaway is commenter #4: Brandy, Joseph's mother. So happy for her and honored that she will have a figurine in her home in honor of her little one and Kennedy. Congratulations, Brandy! I will be in touch via email to give you all additional details. Hugs to you, mama. Thank you to all participants of the giveaway. I was so touched by your comments of love.

Happy Heavenly birthday, Kennedy Kate. Wishing you butterfly kisses and great big bear hugs as you celebrate your life up in Heaven. Mommy misses you today and always. A celebration of your life is planned....and many thoughts of you will be sent up to Heaven today. You are loved, my little chickadee, and remembered. Your life changed mine and so many others. It changed it for the better, Kennedy, although that may be hard to believe. I know what love is, Kennedy. You showed me that better than anyone else could. I loved you with all of my heart...and today, that's why I wear my heart on my sleeve. Part of my heart will always be with you. It will never truly be whole again until we meet again. I will live my life for you, my little girl. And I will make it a good one. Thank you for blessing me with your presence. Thank you for being my first little girl.

Love and hugs,
Mommy

As most of you know, I remember Kennedy by wearing and collecting things with butterflies. Each day, I make sure I have something butterfly on to symbolize the life of my little girl. She is always present in my heart...but by wearing butterflies, it makes her feel more present in a physical sense. Then, if people want to ask about the butterflies, I tell them about why I wear them which typically leads to a talk about my daughter. So, for Kennedy's giveaway, I felt it necessary to find something that had a butterfly with or on it. I came up with this specific figurine made by D. Antonia Truesdale at The Midnight Orange after Jessica from Too Beautiful For Earth sent me a touching card and postcard. It hit very close to home as it is very symbolic to the way I feel about my little girl. She is, and always will be, my beautiful butterfly. After writing an email to D. Antonia about Kennedy and her first angelversary, I knew that this was the perfect giveaway gift. The winner will have the opportunity to make choices on colors of wings, people, etc. So, please comment by the end of Friday, October 22nd (Kennedy's heaven date)...I look forward to giving this beautiful sculpture to someone who will appreciate it and hold it dear to their heart.

*As a side note, any of you BLMs that have unfortunately experienced more than one loss, I will be able to order a sculpture similar to this with up to as many babies as need to be added. I don't want to exclude anyone from this giveaway.*

*The winner will be notified via blog this weekend. Hugs to you all*

Another day has passed this week....and I'm another day closer to Kennedy's heavenly birthday. But as I get closer to her "heaven date," I deal with the repercussions of everything I went through to get to that point. After a nice dinner and coffee with a fellow BLM, Mikayla's mom, I realize more and more how much I'm dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Due to the situation I went through losing Kennedy and the decisions that had to be made, I continue to have triggers which bring me right back to the moments that occurred last year. The triggers are so bad that I sit and panic with anticipation. I'm just on edge for the possibility that some trigger could potentially send me into a tailspin of emotions. This is true PTSD. For example, with the spotting that occurred last year at this time, I've almost willed myself to start spotting again. I just sit each and everyday waiting for AF to come. Not that I do or don't want it to come, but I realize how much it could affect me emotionally....but for the last two days, I have had "once and awhile" spotting.

And then there's the pain....the pain was so terrible last year. On Wednesday, I could barely even walk, yet I believed the pain to be due to ligament stretching, which I had been told several times by doctors. I just ached. But I really had no clue that anything awful was happening because I was in denial too. I had no clue that something really could be happening to my baby. I didn't believe that anything could anymore. I was too far along. I mean, I was going to find out what my baby was in a few days. Anyways, I'm not actually feeling the pain this year, but due to the stress of remembering, I have basically forced an illness upon myself. Yes, that's right. I'm sick. More than likely, it's just a virus. But I'm a true believer in mind over body, and this point, I know that my mind has won. My mind has won because it has given in to the emotional pain that I'm dealing with. My mind has said, "I'm done." "You need to be done too." My mind needs to rest...

Yet, as I get closer to Friday...I know my mind won't rest easy. Each night has become more difficult to get good sleep, and the memories are becoming more vivid as the days get closer. I'm being careful with myself, but there's only so much you can do. I would love to just hide...but I don't want to do that either. I really want to embrace what Kennedy meant to me and celebrate the short time I had with her. I'm hoping that Friday will give me some of that peace, but until then....I have to keep on breathing and looking forward. Thank you to all of you for your sweet thoughts and comments. They keep me going...and I know I couldn't get through any of this without all of you. Hugs to you...and keep the prayers coming.

Sending hugs and kisses up to you, my little chickadee. Can hardly believe where the time has gone since it feels like it was just yesterday. Miss and love you, Kennedy Kate. Mommy is hoping for blue skies on Friday for your special day. We'll make it a good one, sweet girl, just like you deserve. Mommy will always remember, Kennedy, for always.

Today is Sunday, October 17th. On Sunday a year ago, I started spotting. That was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy with Kennedy. The spotting was a sign that things weren't going right for me or for my baby. But did I do anything about the spotting? No...I didn't because I had been told throughout my entire pregnancy that things were going okay. I had been told that my baby was growing and thriving. I was over 21 weeks along...nothing could go wrong anymore. I was finally gaining weight and feeling her move. We heard her heartbeat only a week before. Nothing could be wrong. So, on Sunday a year ago, I waited and watched. I waited to see if the spotting would go away. I waited to see or contact a doctor. I waited to tell anyone what was going on. And while I waited, my baby girl was dying or already gone. Why I waited the way I did....I will never truly know. It was a choice that I made at that point...a choice that still haunts me today. Would anything be different? I don't know... Probably not. But it still hurts.

So, that was Sunday. And the week went on...til Thursday. And this week will go on too...and I will wait. I will wait to feel the memories. I will wait to see how I handle it all. I will wait for people to remember.

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

This day's idea made me laugh out loud because I really don't think I'm too OCD about anything; however, when you really have to sit down and think about it, we all have some little quirks that bother us to no end. So, here are my biggest things that "bother" me the most:

1) Having to have a clean mirror in the bathroom.
2) People who sit on the same side of a booth when there are only two people present at the table. (Sorry if any of you do this...I'm sure it's very intimate....but it looks so silly to me).



Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.




Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.



Day 15 - what you like about your house.

Since I just recently moved into a different apartment, I'm still in the process of putting things up and making it feel like home. However, in this place, I'm going to have a place to honor and remember my little girl. It's called, "Kennedy's Korner." I'd love to take a picture of it, but it's just not ready yet. Kennedy's Korner will be an area of my apartment where she is remembered and honored for who she is and what she symbolizes in my life. Obviously, my candle that Audrey's momma made me will be there, along with many butterfly items and some of the pictures I have received with Kennedy's name from all of my wonderful BLMs. I also had a very close friend who drew a picture of a chickadee and butterfly with Kennedy's initials in the wings that he gave me for Mother's Day. I feel so blessed to have people in my life who continue to remember my little girl and how much she means to me. I vow to never forget, Kennedy. And Kennedy's Korner will always be present some place in my home and in my heart.

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

This one was taken at the end of August...right before work started for the 2010-2011 school year. It makes me laugh because I was supposed to act amazed as the plastic model elephant was molded together right in front of my eyes. It was unbelievable!! Seeing this picture reminds me that despite how difficult this year has been, I did have some really good, happy moments this year that proves that I did smile and go on living life.

Today I remembered you, Kennedy, and all of your little angel friends up in Heaven.
Today, I thought about you with pride that you are my first little girl.
Today, I remembered the five months that I was blessed to have you with me.
Today, I smiled.
Today, I walked around wearing a ribbon on my shirt symbolizing what today meant for me and all other baby loss families.
Today, I held my head up high waiting for someone to ask me how I was or mention the ribbon on my shirt.
Today, I wanted to say your name.
Today, I wanted someone else to remember.
Today, I visited your gravesite and talked to you.
Today, I brought flowers to you in the colors of the season.
Today, I was upset that I didn't get to talk to you in person.
Today, I lit a candle in honor of you.
Today, I watched a movie about a baby and thought of you the entire time.
Today, I wished that I could hear you call me, "Mama."
Today, I cried.
Today, I thought of other baby loss families and hoped they felt love and peace.
Today was a day of remembrance.
Today was a day I wish didn't exist but am glad it does.
Today, I want you to know that I love you and will never forget.

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.


I could only find a picture of me from about 6 years ago. Nothing else is that old on my computer, and I'm already so behind. But when I look at this picture, I see a "girl". Not a woman. I don't see someone who had experienced life yet. I see someone who is naive. A carefree person who wanted everyone to love her. A person who knew very little about sad times or hardships. A person who thought she knew what she wanted out of life. A person who has her whole life ahead of her.... Look at her. She's happy. Life must have been pretty good then. Wonder if that girl will ever feel that kind of happiness again?!

Despite all the drama he creates and any negative press that may come out about him, I am an avid Brett Favre supporter. I am a huge sports fan...and mostly of Wisconsin sports, so for 17 years, I sat in front of the television each Sunday or Monday anxiously awaiting to see what my favorite athlete of all time would do for the Green Bay Packers. And despite the fact that I love the Packers, I have had to learn to cheer for other teams when Brett decided to move onto different endeavors. But here's the kicker and biggest reason why I stick with him...even with all of the records for most touchdowns or games played, there is one thing I love most about him...his love of life and the game he was born to play. I admire that each game he comes out and plays it as if it's his last. He loves what he does and he puts his heart and soul into it. Sure, he doesn't make the smartest of decisions all the time, but who does? When you choose to follow your heart, sometimes logic doesn't play a role. I admire that about him, and I always will. So, this post is in honor of someone I can celebrate during my hardest month of the year. In the midst of my sorrow, I have found reasons to smile and cheer. Thanks to Brett. I owe him one for that. By the way, happy belated birthday, #4! You will always be #1 to me....and I have no doubt, to my daughter too....(pinky swear).

I loved this quote so much after I read it on Too Beautiful: Living After Losing Olivia...I just had to share and post it on Kennedy's blog. It totally fits how I envision Kennedy's life. I wish everyday that it she could have stayed longer, but I know that there are other plans in store for her. Maybe even other lives to touch. Thank you, Kennedy, for being my little butterfly first. Love you always.

"A Butterfly lies beside us
like a sunbeam
and for a brief moment,
its beauty and glory
belong to our world.
But then it flies on again.
And though we wish it could have stayed
we feel so lucky to have seen it."
--author unknown....

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.





This photo is so great. It makes me smile every time I see it. This is my friend, Alison, and I at the Wisconsin State Fair this past summer. I was adamant about getting my giant pickle while in the exhibition center. While waiting for the seller to get my pickle, Alison and I notice this beautiful bottle of pickle juice which they now sell by the bottle. Now, I love pickles and everything...but to sell the juice?!! Seriously?!! That's hard core. By the way, it drew our attention because apparently it helps out with cramps. Not sure if that's leg or menstrual. Either way, it might be worth a try.



Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.



This pictures makes me sad....it reminds me of simpler times in my life. The final episode aired a little over 10 years ago. I was a senior in high school looking forward to the years ahead of me. Never did I imagine that I would be where I am today and dealing with all I have dealt with.



Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.




So excited to see my "boyfriend", Brett Favre, play football against the Chicago Bears. This was taken in December...a month where I was still really in a state of "fog." However, this date at the end of the month helped me to enjoy things I truly loved such as watching Brett play football. This was a good day.