Dear beautiful daughter of mine,
Your mommy has kind of been out of it lately....Out of blog land. Out of visiting you at the memorial park. Out of reading books about grief. Out of attending support groups. Just out of it. I guess...life has kind of happened as of late. Life that hasn't really involved or given me time to think as much about you.
I want to apologize to you for that. I hate it when I feel a sense of guilt about not thinking about you. It just leaves me with a real "icky", uneasy feeling. That's not what a mom is supposed to do. What mom can just "forget" about her baby? That's ridiculous. Any mom who does that should probably not really be a mother at all. And that's not something I say very lightly. After all, it took me a very long time to get "used" to the idea of being a mom and what effect you would have on my life. Despite those uneasy feelings then, I never went a minute that I didn't think of you. You know that....we fought tooth and nail just to survive the short time we had together.
I guess that may be why it's hard to imagine myself not thinking about you. It just doesn't make sense. I should think about you. I should wonder what you are doing. I should even worry about what you are doing and who you are with. But I guess it's different. Maybe I even believe that you are safe....and happy?
But it doesn't make the guilt any less when I finally take the time to just stop...and remember. Stop and think about what we went through together. Stop and think about where we are both today.
Kennedy, I feel guilt. I feel sadness. I wish this was different. I wish this was your second March Madness. I wish this was the time of year when we would start to think about taking walks outside. I wish I could go into any baby department and look for cute butterfly clothes for you. I wish I could take you to the birthday parties of my friends. I wish I could take you to baby showers for babies that should be friends of yours.
You know...it's crazy. Who really gets pregnant and ever really thinks about the possibility of not having those opportunities? Who really wonders if there would be a chance that their baby wouldn't make it? Not really anyone. Only those that have been affected by this terrible tragedy on a personal basis do. But it really doesn't happen that much...in all reality. It just really doesn't. And I guess I should be glad for that. Glad that the majority of people out there will never feel what I felt then, what I feel now, and what I will always feel. I wouldn't want or wish this on anyone. That just wouldn't be fair.
So, my little one, I promise to work harder at being your mother. I guess I'm still kind of new to this whole mothering my baby who isn't here. I will visit you soon... I will promise to talk to you more often. I will promise to keep you close to my heart even on my toughest days. As I tell you quite often, you are my guiding light. And sometimes when the world looks dark and gloomy, I may need to look up to you for guidance. Show me the signs, baby girl. Maybe ask Grams if you're not very sure of what guidance to give. She's quite the smart lady... :)
Always know that I love you....and am proud that you are mine.
Hugs and love,
Mommy
P.S. Kennedy, please tell your angel friends that I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend to their mommies. I will continue to work on that too. It's not only important to them...but it's important to me to help others and find comfort in doing so. Thank you, sweet girl. xoxo
Your mommy has kind of been out of it lately....Out of blog land. Out of visiting you at the memorial park. Out of reading books about grief. Out of attending support groups. Just out of it. I guess...life has kind of happened as of late. Life that hasn't really involved or given me time to think as much about you.
I want to apologize to you for that. I hate it when I feel a sense of guilt about not thinking about you. It just leaves me with a real "icky", uneasy feeling. That's not what a mom is supposed to do. What mom can just "forget" about her baby? That's ridiculous. Any mom who does that should probably not really be a mother at all. And that's not something I say very lightly. After all, it took me a very long time to get "used" to the idea of being a mom and what effect you would have on my life. Despite those uneasy feelings then, I never went a minute that I didn't think of you. You know that....we fought tooth and nail just to survive the short time we had together.
I guess that may be why it's hard to imagine myself not thinking about you. It just doesn't make sense. I should think about you. I should wonder what you are doing. I should even worry about what you are doing and who you are with. But I guess it's different. Maybe I even believe that you are safe....and happy?
But it doesn't make the guilt any less when I finally take the time to just stop...and remember. Stop and think about what we went through together. Stop and think about where we are both today.
Kennedy, I feel guilt. I feel sadness. I wish this was different. I wish this was your second March Madness. I wish this was the time of year when we would start to think about taking walks outside. I wish I could go into any baby department and look for cute butterfly clothes for you. I wish I could take you to the birthday parties of my friends. I wish I could take you to baby showers for babies that should be friends of yours.
You know...it's crazy. Who really gets pregnant and ever really thinks about the possibility of not having those opportunities? Who really wonders if there would be a chance that their baby wouldn't make it? Not really anyone. Only those that have been affected by this terrible tragedy on a personal basis do. But it really doesn't happen that much...in all reality. It just really doesn't. And I guess I should be glad for that. Glad that the majority of people out there will never feel what I felt then, what I feel now, and what I will always feel. I wouldn't want or wish this on anyone. That just wouldn't be fair.
So, my little one, I promise to work harder at being your mother. I guess I'm still kind of new to this whole mothering my baby who isn't here. I will visit you soon... I will promise to talk to you more often. I will promise to keep you close to my heart even on my toughest days. As I tell you quite often, you are my guiding light. And sometimes when the world looks dark and gloomy, I may need to look up to you for guidance. Show me the signs, baby girl. Maybe ask Grams if you're not very sure of what guidance to give. She's quite the smart lady... :)
Always know that I love you....and am proud that you are mine.
Hugs and love,
Mommy
P.S. Kennedy, please tell your angel friends that I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend to their mommies. I will continue to work on that too. It's not only important to them...but it's important to me to help others and find comfort in doing so. Thank you, sweet girl. xoxo
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