I don't want to go off on another tangent or rage about what I should or shouldn't have in my life.  But this is one of those moments that I needed to write.  To vent.  To express my sadness over another loss that is occurring in my life.  The loss of my marriage. My marriage to Kennedy's father. 

As of about a week and a half ago, Kennedy's father and I met to discuss what we were feeling and where we thought we were heading with this marriage.  Although, the conversation didn't start off like that, I knew exactly where it was heading.  All it took was for me to ask him, "What are you feeling about us?"  And suddenly, there was the answer.  The answer that I think I knew has been there for quite some time and may have even prepared for but really wasn't ready for.  He simply answered that Easter had been really hard on him since it was the first holiday he hadn't been a part of with my family.  On that day, he looked up divorce papers and started filling them out.  This was at the end of April.  At that moment, I was shocked.  I was hurt.  But these were all emotions I thought I had prepared myself for.  But it still hurt.  I was still shocked.  And tears sprang to my eyes.  I didn't know what to say.  All I could do was look at the papers and realize that this was really happening.  My marriage of five years was coming to a close.  Eleven total years together.  We were kids when we fell in love.  And growing into adults had changed us.  We had not grown together....we had grown apart.  And that's why we didn't work anymore.  This is obviously only part of the reason...but I would prefer not to go into details.

As I got up to leave the apartment where we had lost Kennedy, I told him that I would try to pick up the rest of my things soon. He didn't seem to be in too much of a hurry, but I felt the need to rid him of all of my stuff.  He deserved a fresh start.  A new beginning.  And obviously, reminders of me wouldn't help that.  Then, I walked out of the apartment.  I carried a bag of garbage to the dump and made my way to my car parked in front of the apartment complex.  I started pulling away and saw Kennedy's father walk out.  It was obvious he had been crying.  I felt terrible.  Confused.  Frustrated.  But completely empathetic.  I couldn't leave him like that.  We needed to do this on a better note.  After all, we had spent eleven years together.  Graduated high school and college together.  Celebrated marriages of friends and family.  Celebrated some new babies.  Figured out how to live on our own free "somewhat" from our parents.  We had taken those first steps of adulthood together.  We had decided to have a baby.  Then lost a baby and grieved.   So, as I watched him walk away with tears, I pulled up in my car and told him to get in.  We then talked more...shared happy memories...and were able to walk away knowing that we would always have a special connection thank you to our daughter. 

Ever since that day I feel like I have been on a whirlwind of emotions.  Guilt for not making things work...if anything for our daughter.  Sadness for what should have been.  Anger for the time that has been lost and the unhappiness that has occurred because of the situation.  Jealously towards all of those whose life appears to be perfect...and who are achieving their "happily ever after."  Afraid of what people will perceive of me and my life.  I feel the need to guard my heart again.  I don't really want to see anyone.  Talk to anyone.  Share this part of my life.  I'm embarrassed. My life was supposed to be so different five years ago when I took those vows on June 24, 2006.  I was supposed to get the happy ending story.  Where is that life?  What happened? 

And yet, as we all know, life goes on.  So, I put on my happy face and keep moving ahead.  Very few people in my life even know that Kennedy's father and I had this talk.  I'm just not ready yet to share, which has always been my mantra.  I thought I had done some growing since losing Kennedy.  I thought I was learning to open up and share.  But now, I'm turning into that chameleon again.  I'm shutting down.  Putting the walls up.  Only time will tell when I'm ready to share...hopefully those that have always shown me love will still be there to help break down the walls and support me again.  Until then, I will grieve.  I will grieve differently than before.  But I will grieve for the hopes and dreams that I once shared with Kennedy's father.  I will grieve for my marriage. I will grieve for lost love.  

"I've built a wall not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it." ~Unknown~

I am so very excited to finally announce the winners of my "New Blog Design"/100 posts/Mikayla Grace's Birthday" Giveaway!!  I know that it was supposed to be occur yesterday, but better late than never. 

The winner of the goodie mix....the magnet, memory stone and flourish is Lily's momma, Rebecca.  Congrats to one of my dear friends.  Rebecca just started blogging not too long ago.  I'm sure she would love a few more supporters and friends as she grieves the loss of her little girl and is currently on another journey of carrying her rainbow baby.  So glad that I could, hopefully, make her day a little brighter with this win.  :)






And the second winner of The Good Grief Club book in honor of Mikayla's birthday is Harper's momma, Rhiannon.  Another one of my dear friends who has been with me from almost the very beginning of blogging.  This win for Rhiannon made me especially happy since she will be remembering her sweet Harper's first birthday in a couple of days.  Happy birthday, sweet girl.  Hope the day is gentle on your mama's heart. 

Congratulations to the winners...and thank you so much for all of your supportive comments regarding the new blog design of On KK's Butterfly Wings.  I'm still amazed how beautiful it turned out. 

After some careful thought and a fair amount of time and energy, I'm am so very pleased to present the unique and beautiful blog design that the amazing Franchesca at Small Bird Studios created for me.

If anyone who currently reads my blog hasn't heard about this gifted individual yet...then please make sure you check out her website.  Fran is talented.  Fran is gracious.  Fran is humble.  But most of all, Fran is a baby loss mother herself.  And she is has found ways to exhibit her energy and her talent by creating masterpieces in the form of web designs, business cards, her very own card line with another amazing BLM, Carly Dudley, decorative headbands and flourishes, etc.  So, basically, Fran can do it all.  Plus, be a mother to her little boy on Earth and her little girl in Heaven.

I cannot begin to thank her enough for the care and precision she took in developing this blog design.  She and I both wanted it to be perfect.  And in my mind, it couldn't have turned out any better than it did.  As always, I am amazed by the gifts that this community provides me and others, and I am touched to call you my supporters and friends.  Thank you, Fran.  Thank you for sharing my vision of this blog and seeing it through to the end.

As an extra incentive to checking out Small Bird studios and my new blog design, I have finally decided to hold my giveaway.  This giveaway is in honor of so many things.  As of right now, this post will be my 100th post.  I recently reached a year of blogging.  And obviously, I am honored to share this new design of On KK's Butterfly Wings with you all.  The giveaway is going to be a delightful mixture of goodies from some of my very favorite people....the inspirational Jessica at Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art, the brilliant Tiffany at Written from the Heart and the phenomenal Franchesca at The Flourish Shop.  Each of these ladies have created beautiful pieces of art, some in memory of lost loved ones and others just for fun.  I am blessed to know each of these ladies and to call them my friends.

Here are the items that will be given away to the winner:

personalized magnet from Too Beautiful for Earth

Memory Stone from Written from the Heart

Decorative flourish from The Flourish Shop or Small Bird Studios on Etsy

And in honor of Miss Mikayla Grace's birthday and heaven date this week, I would also like to award another winner a copy of one of my favorite good grief books. The Good Grief Club by Monica Novak, is a true story of seven women who meet and become friends after experiencing the loss of their babies through miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death.  They form a "club" to help unite them on this journey through grief and to support each other in the journey that lay ahead without their children. 


 I absolutely loved this book.  It reminded me so much of my blogging and support group sisters.  I am so blessed to have a world of people that support me through anything.  I know that you were brought to me through the grace of my beautiful daughter.  She knew I would need someone...and led me your way.  In particular, Kennedy helped me find this beautiful friend of mine.  That is Mikayla and Chase's momma, Melissa.  I thank Kennedy and God everyday for bringing her into my life.  We found each other when we needed a friend who "got it" and will always be bonded for life by our children in Heaven. 

Melissa and I on our daughters' bench on Memorial Day

To enter the giveaways, please leave a comment below.  Winners will be chosen by June 22, 2011.  Looking forward to hearing what you all think of my new design and the giveaways. :)

Warning: I'm not sure how many of you were able to catch the Monday, June 6th, episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager, but if you weren't and would like to before reading this post, don't read any further.  Spoilers do follow in the post below. Just wanted to give a heads up....


Since losing Kennedy, I find that I reflect a lot on my life and what it is like now in comparison to what it was before.  But the reflection is a lot about my life, not really on anyone else's life.  Which is very interesting to me, since I have never really thought myself to be an egotistical kind of person.  I have always considered myself to be someone who thought about others before herself.  I have always wanted to please and help those close to me before I would ever do something to better my life. 

However, after watching Secret Life the other day, I realize that I do think of myself a lot more.  I protect myself.  I am wary of my emotions.  I find that maybe I am more in tune to my feelings than I ever have been before.  I don't want to hurt or get hurt anymore.  So, I guess I am somewhat egotistical.  But it's because of what I have been through.  Or what I am still going through.

Yet, on Monday, I was reminded how many other people have or had been effected by the loss of Kennedy.  I think I sometimes forget this.  I think I forget this because I feel so much pain that it's hard to feel anything else for anyone else, especially those that haven't experienced the loss at the severity that I have.  But, the show gave me a different perspective.  It opened up my eyes to what it might have been like for others in my life.  People who really care for me.   All of a sudden, I stepped into their shoes that day when I lost Kennedy. 

First, I see Kennedy's father.  And because our relationship is strained right now, this is more difficult for me to write about.  However, I see him that day.  He knew right away.  Just the way Ben did.  When we didn't see a heartbeat and they couldn't tell us the sex of the baby, Kennedy's father knew something was terribly wrong.  Yet, he said nothing.  He is heartbroken and sad.  He has tears rolling down his face as he starts calling everyone.  First his mom.  Then his work.  Telling them what has happened.  I can talk to no one.  I am stunned.  He calls everyone.  He wants people to know.  He finds comfort in talking to others.  Yet, we never find comfort in each other. 

Next, I see my mom. She's devastated.  She also calls people and finds out that she has lost her Great Uncle that day too.  She can't believe all this is happening.  She sees me hurting, yet doesn't know what to do to make it better.  She cries with me and sleeps on the floor by the couch where I sleep in hopes that she can comfort me on my sleepless nights.  She wants to put a Band-Aid on the situation.  But she can't.  She looks and feels hopeless.


Now, we pan to my dad.  He's always been the strong one.  He's hurt.  He's angry.  He doesn't know what to do.  Yet, he wants everything to go away.  He wants me to not feel pain anymore.  He is the one who helps me decide what would be the best decision when delivering this baby.  He wants me to be able to move on quickly.  Yet, he doesn't cry.  He doesn't ever express any emotion openly.  That's not his role.  He's supposed to be the even keel one.  Yet, he knows I will never be the same.  I will never be the same little girl he once knew.

Finally, the camera turns to my friends and family.  The friends and family who so anxiously awaited the news of what the baby's sex would be that day.  In comparison to Secret Life, my friends and family were waiting to find out if they would be purchasing blue or pink gifts instead of the the arrival of a baby.  They were the friends and family who were texting or Facebook'ing me making sure they were on the list to contact regarding what we would find out that day.  Instead, what they found out was that the baby hadn't lived.  I see their reactions.  I see tears.  I feel their sadness.  I see them contacting others with the news.  There is a shock amongst them.  They don't know what to do.  They comfort each other and find comfort in others by sharing my story.  The day and week is filled with sadness.  Some reach out by phone, email, text.  Some send cards and gifts.  Others are lost as what to do and may not reach out at all.


As I step out of all their shoes and put mine back on.  I am back in my reality.  Yet, it has given me a new outlook.  A different perspective.  Others were effected by her death.  Others who may not have really known Kennedy, but who knew and loved me.  It's not an easy situation.  I get this.  Death is not easy to begin with, much less the death of a child.  But it's helps me to imagine what it might have been like for others.  Especially those who were there then for me and continue to be there for me today.  They know what they felt like that day. They felt pain too.  The pain may be more for me than for my baby.  Most didn't know her like I did.  Yet, it is pain.  In some ways, the day I lost Kennedy is the day a part of me died with her.  My friends and family will never know me again the way I was before. 

If you haven't ever heard or read the poem, Ugly Shoes, here is my post with the poem.  The reason I am sharing this poem again is because I know how our ugly shoes fit all the time.  But there are other shoes too.  Shoes of those who have been there for us.  Shoes of the people who continue to share this journey without our babies.  Those shoes are often not fun either.  They hurt too.  And they hate that they have to wear these shoes because of what they represent.  The shoes they wear are different than mine.  They will never be the same.  Yet, there are people....even though it may be a smaller number than I have wanted....who wear similar ugly shoes to mine.  I am grateful for that select group.  I know that those are the people who can go through anything with me from here on out and will be there through the long haul.  I hate that we have to wear ugly shoes at all...literally and figuratively, but the people in my life that I have right now... the ones who are truly there....are amazing, loving people.  I couldn't ask for a better group.  I truly couldn't.  I am blessed to have their continued love and support.  I know it's not easy wearing their shoes either, but I am thankful that they do. 

I am in a state of amazement.  Amazement over the beautiful writing that has taken place in the last week or so.  This community has touched my very soul again.  And it came so unexpected...  As of late, I haven't really had much urgency to write, read or comment.  Life has been busy and the blogging world has taken a back seat to many things.  But along came this beautiful project that Angie at Still Life With Circles set up, and I am hooked again.  Hooked to read stories and share thoughts.  Hooked to see how people are doing depending on where they are in their grief cycle and what life has brought them because of the grief they feel.  I am mesmerized.  I am awe-struck.  We are an incredible community.  I feel privileged to share this world with you. 

I have one favor of you all in the next couple of weeks...  One favor that I don't think any of you will regret.  Please, take the time to check out the Right Where I Am Project (my post is here) and even share your story if you haven't done so just yet. 

Thank you so much...for touching me to my very core and for being the support that I need.

Thanks to the beautiful and inspiring, Angie, at Still Life with Circles, I decided to participate in this project. Angie's idea is to discuss where you are now in the grief process and what it feels like now. It is to help new babyloss members to understand and see the road that grief can take you on and for others who are further along in the process to see how far they have come.


Where am I: Currently located on my couch in my apartment in Madison sharing my innermost thoughts on my blog. Contemplating how my life got to this point....and the effect that Kennedy had on it all. Enjoying the Brewers game on television. Making plans for the summer. Wondering what I should wear tomorrow.

Seems like a simple life. Seems even easy. Sounds like things are going "ok." Looking at those thoughts, I would never have believed a year and seven months have passed from one of the saddest and most traumatic times in my life. I don't even think that the average reader who would just randomly come across my blog would look at this post and think that anything is even wrong. But that's the "random" reader's thoughts. Little do they know the process that it has taken to get to the simplicity of life again. Little would they know how dramatically different my life was then.

But that's pretty much the way life is now. In about one in every five thoughts, my mind goes back to Kennedy. My heart takes me to that day and the weight of what I don't have creeps back in to send me a wave of sadness. I do have happiness. I do feel enjoyment. I smile. I laugh. I find a way to go on. But it's not without those thoughts. And the pain.

All it may take is a mention of a little boy that was killed on my favorite soap opera, see yet another person on Facebook is pregnant, or see the mention of the word "mother" in my favorite Harry Potter novel to make me feel an ache. Those are the times that thinking of Kennedy brings me pain. But that's not always where I am now. I have happy thoughts of her too. Times where I can imagine this beautiful girl with curly light brown hair and blue eyes in a pretty pink dress decorated with butterflies taking her first steps or giggling at a silly song. She is sassy. She's sweet. She's the "Princess of the Show." And she's happy. These are the times that make me smile. Those thoughts make me remember her for all of her beautiful qualities that she offers Heaven today.

I am still working on what it's like to "parent" her here on Earth. I'm still trying to find that happy medium of what society views as "ok" and just figuring out what's "ok" in my heart. I find that I question myself all the time if I talk about her too much or if I do too much to help myself with this grieving thing. I have had numerous loved ones in my life comment that I should be "moved on" by now. Questions seem to have the same common idea of: "Why am I not okay by now? " and "Why can't I just accept that this is my life?". I find that I'm more likely to not answer them or answer with the basic, "I'm fine." Which I am...I'm fine. I'm as fine as I think I will ever be. My daughter is gone. She's not coming back. So, in order to continue to be "fine," I look for ways to incorporate her into my life. I continue to wear her bracelet and ring. I change my necklaces that memorialize her as I see fit. I wear butterflies and chickadees. I look for butterflies and buy bird feed for chickadees. I have her little "korner." I go to two monthly support groups where I can talk about her for more than an hour. I am starting a Memory Walk for her and other babies. And as always, I visit where Kennedy was laid to rest and talk to her.

This is where I am. I am "ok." I am fine. I am blessed. I am a mother. And I am happier than I was that day. I am happier than I was a year ago...six months ago....two weeks ago. The pain still hurts but doesn't happen as often. I have found ways to go on. I carry my grief with me everyday, but I also carry the knowledge that I will be with my little girl again. It's one of those beautiful "happy" thoughts again. Kennedy is waiting for me. She's watching me now. She's taking note of where her mommy is and what I am doing. I can't wait to tell her about all the wonderful things in my life that happened because of her. What a long, amazing mother-daughter moment that will be.