No matter how much time goes by...my mind seems to always wander back to those days.  And it really doesn't seem to be triggered by much of anything.  Maybe quiet time?  Maybe night?  Maybe just trying to reflect on all that has happened?  I'm not quite sure.  But the guilt monster arrived last night...and it created quite the disturbance in my sleep last night and in my thoughts today.

I know that I have mentioned it before in my blog, but to those of you that have forgotten or are new to this blog, I didn't give birth to Kennedy.  I decided with the assistance of my OB to go the route of a D&E.  This is a decision that I have regretted or felt guilty about since I lost Kennedy.  However, I have always regretted it from the perspective of my loss.  That I didn't get to see her.  Hold her.  Feel her one last time.  Last night, my mind drifted to a completely different place.  A place that I haven't really looked at or I can't remember looking at...ever.  The perspective of Kennedy's father.  I don't know why it went there.  The only thing that comes to my mind about looking at it from his eyes would be that I am finally finding some peace with that situation and where our lives have taken us.  But regardless of trying to figure that out....my mind drifted to that day when we found out.

We were able to meet with an OB after the ultrasound...not my regular OB, but a doctor who was at the clinic that night.  He talked through what had possibly happened (although he knew very little) and then discussed options with us of what could be done.  I was so caught off guard and in shock that I couldn't make any decisions at that point.  I wasn't ready.  I didn't believe.  But the one thing that kept sticking in my mind was that I just needed this to be done.  I couldn't stand the pain.  Physically and emotionally.  I was drained.  I didn't want any reminders of what I had lost.  Even though I didn't actually make a decision that night, I really believe I had in my head.  I was ready for it to be over.  I didn't want to see her.  I wanted to forget.  But I also remember how Kennedy's father and my mother thought it would be best for me to give birth.  I didn't get it at that point....but I wish I had.  I wish I had listened.  I wish I had heard why.  I wish I had given myself that chance.  But I also wish I would have given it to them...especially Kennedy's daddy.  

When we went back the next day to meet with my regular OB, the options were then given to me again after discussion of what had happened to her.  Again, we really didn't get many answers until after the procedure.  All the doctor could explain was that her heart had stopped and she had stopped growing.  I was supposed to be 22 weeks, but she was measuring at 19 weeks, 5 days.  My regular OB proceeded to discuss the pros and cons of either delivering or having a D&E.  Like I said, I had already really decided.  The only drawback to me, at that time, was that I would have to wait since very few doctors have the ability to do that procedure.    I had known waiting might be a part of it.  In my mind, I was going to be okay with waiting as long as at the end of it all, I would be done.  This is where my mindset was.   No one could change my mind.  I wanted it all to just be over.  And because I was given choices, I believe I chose the easier route.  I didn't want to feel the pain of labor.  I didn't want to experience all of that for the first time and have no baby at the end.  I didn't want to see her.  I believed that if I didn't see her, I could just forget she ever existed at all.  Oh, boy...I didn't have a clue. I wish there had been someone for me to talk to.  To confide in.  To just make sense of it all.  And the thing that hits me now even after writing this....is the big "I" statements.  "I" this.  "I" that.  Where is the "we"?

Where was he?  What was he thinking?  What was he saying?  Was he just agreeing with me eventually?  Or did he want to see her?  Did he want to hold her?  We have never discussed this.  And is it because I took that opportunity away from him?  Am I guilty of only thinking of me?  Was I so blindsided by the situation that I forgot to look at it from his eyes?  Could I not wrap my mind around what had happened that I completely forgot that he was there too?  Does he regret "our" decision?  Does he hold a grudge that he never got to see his daughter?  Wow...this is very, very painful.  It brings up so many unanswered questions and worries.  Maybe even things that I am starting to forget.  Or things that I want to forget.  But I truly cannot remember him talking about it with me or anyone else.  I think he followed my lead after that first night.  And if he did....this is what led me to these thoughts last night.

I am guilty.  Guilty of falling back into this trap of regret. I think it goes away....and maybe is even completely gone, and all of a sudden, it is back.  With a vengeance.  And this one hurts...more than it has for quite awhile.  Because it doesn't just target Kennedy.  It targets other people in my life.  People who are very important to her.  People who had the right to fight for her...fight to see her...fight to hold her.  Why didn't he?  What happened?  Why guilt monster?  Why now?