I haven't had the strength to look back at my posts before this, I feel it's like a story written in third person where you already know the ending but the character in the story does not. I'm sure I was full of hope then and naive and desperately grabbing onto the slightest glimpse of improvement. Hindsight is such a bitch! July 13th will be a date that will forever be burned in my mind. It was the day that my world turned a little more dull, got a little less fun and had a lot less meaning. It was the day I lost my rock, my mentor, my hero, my daddy.

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of experiences. For a while I was feeling like I was in a car that was going rather fast and familiar people were standing on the sidewalks yelling their support as fast as they could get it out or throwing food at me in desperate attempt to comfort me but I wouldn't slow down. And then, a dead stop and silence and stillness where another wave of emotions knocked me over and I felt as if I was in a goldfish bowl filled with gloomy water and rotten plants and I could see out to everyone else moving about their lives as if nothing happened and as if I am the same.

But I feel it in my whole being, I'm not the same nor will I ever be the same. I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to be. Though I am not longer in that car or that fish bowl I am no better. In fact I may be worse because I have no scenario for where I am now. I am starting to feel the pressure -- lift yourself up, I don't want to see you sad anymore, be normal, move on. I haven't heard those words yet but I feel them subconsciously. People are ready for me to be back, but back from where?

I am currently reading a book to test my own sanity and amazingly (or at least to myself) I am sane. That is a huge relief, honestly, because I have not felt sane for a while. I am struggling with relating to people especially close friends. I am struggling with sensitivity, for some reason the smallest comments will send me to a tailspin. I am just straight up struggling. I know several people who have fought this battle but I am too afraid to ask. Maybe I already know the answer. Yes it does get better, no you never get over it...

Right now I'm scraping up what little hope I do have and focus on it getting better...

The last couple of days have been such a blessing! I went to SA this weekend to spend some time with my Mom & Dad. The weekend started off with a bang when I got there. My mom was complaining of feeling bad and so I told her we would talk to a nurse when we went to go see my Dad. Well long story short she ended up having an anxiety attack and she was sent to the emergency room until about 1:30 a.m. That wasn't stressful at all....

OK, now to the good part. I could see so much change with my dad!! He is now able to move his right arm some and wiggle his right toes. He is also able to shake his head and we are working opening and closing his mouth and sticking out his tongue; these are all very important to get him to start swallowing on his own. This could free him up from both his trach and feeding tubes. Well, my mom called me Monday night and told me that my dad had a great day and was moving so much. He got the physical therapists really excited and they've decided to put him on a much more aggressive type of rehabilitation which is awesome! My mom also said that his doctor came and saw him and was so excited that she thought he was going to jump up and down. For the first time in a month and a half ALL of my family has hope. I can't describe the feeling and I never want to lose it.

Thought for the day: I never thought I've seen a miracle but I think they are all around me.

Last week my Mother called me crying and very upsest. Considering our circumstanses, this scared the crap out of me. When she finally got composed she told me that the baseball team came by to drop off the money raised at a fund raiser they held at Wal-Mart. They presented my mother with about $7,500 dollars!! I couldn't believe it! And kids no less! They were at such a loss trying to figure out what to do. We wouldn't allow them to come and see my dad so they had to get out what they were feeling somehow, and what a way to do it! I love coming from a small town.

We've been bombarded by people who've wanted to express their respect, love or friendship in any way they can. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked "what can I do?" And really you can only ask help from specific people and the others you just ask for a prayer. But a prayer is so much!! You actually ask people to talk to God for you, that is an amazing request and amazing gift of love for someone to put you in their prayers.

If you would like to read the article written about my father you can click HERE

Well I spoke with my mom yesterday and they moved my dad out of the hospital!! He is now in a rehab center in San Antonio and I'm so excited. Though I will have to get used to seeing him in a new environment and new nurses, I am so greatful that he is now at a place where they can work with on progressing forward. The nurses told my mom the other day that she had asked my father to push down on her hand with his and he did so maybe it takes just a little more to move the fingers than it does an arm. I will be going to SA this weekend to see my dad and ease my mom. Key word of the year: Baby Steps. The thing I've learned today: The brain is an AMAZING organ.

Remember that Sunday is Father's Day. Please hug your Daddys.