life at 50 something

welcome back to LDH.
 hard as the fist stage of this was today seemed easy. others discomfort in the waiting room tho, did have an effect on me, maybe I will survive  to thrive again.  take the positive attributes and run with them. show myself that I am good,  I can still make a difference. Even handicapped as  I am .
I am walking more not as much as the walking partner would like but at least I go out doors nearly every day. so good for my body mind and soul, now if some of it would transfer to the brain! time to think, time to talk, time to walk.  hurts heal,  love leaves? no what I loved was a smoke screen, he was not real, he was acting. it was a terrible tragic waste of time love and money.   how can I learn from this and go forward? one day at a time moment to moment most of those days.
there has to be more to do. this can't be the finally stop for me can it?
 got time to figure it out .
that is my blessing. Time.
 others need more, I have plenty, I am able to give others time and isn't that a great gift?
 I know I appreciate the time young people spend with me, never have understood it. I can think of several young people I hangout with regularly. Each very different, and great in their own way.
the gift of time is indeed a good gift.
I am finally me again. free to be me the name I came with will be the name on my stone.

I had a quiet day today and with nothing but good ole Elton and lots to do, I went through my day rather lost in thought.
maybe this is all me after all.
 I have been being abused by men since the age of 4. when one abuser moved out of my life another moved in..... so if in fact I am the bad penny here, I am done :)   quite happily done.  no one can hurt me more than the last ass.  no one can take anything more from me, as there is nothing more to take.  so can I be allowed to move past this 50 years of abuse cycle and find me, happily ? I have made up for any thing I possibly could have done, right?
 Thank You Bernie, your words some days keep me tethered. You have a special place in my Prayers.
forgiveness,
 is hard to truly give myself.
 I have forgiven others their horrible deeds to me.While I have learned much about others, not so much about me.  still I know nothing. lol!  remembering what I once was, strong and able to cope with change on my feet and lead people if needed. Now I get lost if turned out on my own.
to young to need so much care, and never having been successful in a relationship,  family is left to this. no one will ever want to take me  on,  slowly I am accepting this only because I understand, I can no longer be counted on to care for myself.  finding a way to exist happily is my goal. 

been trying so hard to function normally.  walking, moving everyday.....HATE  happens within me why can't I place it where I need it, to get better?
I saw the back of his neck..... and the new cowboy hat is brown, the color I always tried to get him to try for a change.....  this human, that has hurt me so deeply, still lives....  and for this, I am grateful. WHY?  he has taken everything I worked so hard to acquire....,home, car,  and the accident moneys, once they were gone so was the Mr.  this is a human not worthy of my attention let alone my love. why is my heart still stuck on that piece of crap human?
how come I can tell people to" put it in a bubble and give it to God," yet here I sit crying my eyes out with so much unbelievable grief? don't get me wrong " I put it in a bubble and give it to God" daily,.......  2010 we separated, why dear God am I not angry? why have I not moved through the stages and away from this horrible human? how come a glimpse of him sends me into this horrible sad place ?  done. should be done Larena, accept...... move the fuck on., stop punishing yourself for loving an unworthy son of a bitch. been loving fucked up people all my life, why stop now?
I AM able to help others,THank you God, it is why I am still here, it is great; wish there was more I could do. winning this big lotto......would mean everyone I know will no longer have a mortgage. and all will have a good car, paid in full. If I can provide housing and a car people should be able to live and thrive with out those 2 bills. medical bills for Billy and Uncle Brian, Camille, and others..... education money set aside for everyone under 18 that I know. this crap about student loans sucks I want to get rid of them for everyone I know.
Lord I had hi hopes about supporting my Mom by now, so she could enjoy her golden years, so much taken and nothing I can do about any of it but cry.
I got a check in the mail yesterday gotta love that. except that it came to me because its a settlement from big banks for illegally foreclosing on homes. little over 700. while I celebrate this money it will make Christmas easier and the week after a great one in the redwoods...... these fucking people took my house with help from the x .  they took my 265,000 dollar  home, sold it for 114,000 at auction, and paid me 700 and change because they did it illegally? fair judgement for who?
I am not a mean person, I am human, I have made mistakes, I have hurt others, I have done things wrong, paid for my mistakes, made amends wherever I have been allowed to, learned from them and moved on. this time I am stuck in this godforsaken no man land...... in love with what I thought this person could be. no what he showed me he could be, I did not manufacture this, he had good traits, others were attracted to him as well, but I am believing I never would have married him had I not been BRAIN injured.  forgiving myself for that one is hard. never happen most likely.
 TRUST. how? he chose to do this to me looked me in the eye and lied, daily for years till he got all he could........
 MAN AM I FUCKED UP.
 WHO FIXES THIS? Sadly I am guessing it must be me, and I have no idea where to begin, nor how to begin, I now just wait for the end. trying to do as much good as I can, maybe somehow I will make up for the terrible me I was in the past.........I am weary, I try to fake the enjoyment of life. I have to think of what my son sees me go through every day , how horrible for him to be saddled with a parent before the age of 30.  thank God, he cannot hear what is going on in my head.
so much wrong in my head with no way to fix any of it I Pray to be released from these memories if I don't need them, let me be free of them.  they blindside me and punch me in the gut for good meausure.  I PROMISE to continue to try to be a better human every moment I have left. just help me to help more.....