LaVenDeR's gaRdEN

Stress, and I cried again.. I feel helpless, lonely, and I started to miss him..I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help. I hate exam!! Why I need to memorize all those useless stuffs? Still remember, in primary school, secondary school or form six, I never stress like this. If I understand what teacher taught in class, I can easily recall in exam. The questions those times, is not something that we need to memorize and reproduce. Understanding will do most of the time. I don't have to force myself to memorize everything word by word, and suffering like this.

I'm tired. Next year Christmas, I'm not a student anymore. No exam. Maybe student's life is more enjoyable compare to working life. As we have more holiday. Yet, we don't have to face this stress when we're working. No need to memorize. Just understanding will do.

3 more days to my actual exam. I still here wasting my time, watching detective conan, escaping from reality. I feel helpless, and hopeless. The good me, and bad me is quarreling within me, I can feel it. I don't know how, the bad me seem like always win the war. Meaning I less of self -control? Definitely.

I just want to talk to someone. My closest friend. Now I started to doubt whether I have close friend at all.. Stop here, and force myself to study. I can make it. For sure! Have faith!!

Yesterday, got a really BIG BOMB from our faculty, or exam division. Not very sure about which department. It's not really matter anyway, the thing that matter, EXAM SCHEDULE AMENDMENT!!! What the HELL??!! You're telling me exam is postponed in study week? and the reason... due to Christmas holidays??

Christmas is on 25 Dec, every year, the same, never change. Why the hell the exam was arranged in 24 and 26 Dec on the first place? When the semester started, you guys should have alert by this, and arrange the schedule according, skip the christmas holiday. Management fail! And the new schedule make me want to say, 'well done! Only Aimst Uni can do this. Great!'. Exam on Saturday, and 3 days consecutively?? I really don't know what response I should give to them. What to do? We're just students, and we just can follow whatever they set. No objection. Nothing we can do. Personal opinion, they really need to accept suggestion from others, and stop being self-centered. 

Just before our study week, we had an argument with staffs in exam division. The reason, because they won't let us to collect our exam slip. According to their rule, only can collect from 2.30pm to 4.30pm. I really don't understand why it has to be like this? We have classes in most of the afternoon hour, and they expect us to skip class and get the slip? Why we can't collect in the morning? What's wrong with it? When we were there to ask for exam slip, the guy there told us that it is still under process, so have to come in the afternoon. But, my friends just got the exam slip the day before we went, and got their slips, and you're telling me now still under process??? Seriously?!! When he learnt about this, he just changed what he'd just said, and told us according to the rule, we can't get it. I came half way from my oral exam to get this, and you're telling me according to the stupid rule, we can't get it??

Distributing exam slip, is just a simple stuff. Take id, find the slip, and let us sign. Done. They are so free in the office, sitting there happily, didn't look busy at all. And somemore have time to argue with us for so long. Then why don't just give us the slip? Wasting our time. Besides, their attitude really bad and rude. I actually want to tell them, don't forget who you get your salary from. If we didn't enrolled and study here, you just prepare to get fired! With all the bad attitude they have, they're blaming us that we're the one that talked very rude to them, and they're innocent? Hah~! Funny~ I really think that our Uni should really consider the stupid rules that they'd set previously, and evaluate the mental test, and personality test as well as EQ test for their staffs. If they want to become one of the top Uni, the most important things will be STAFFS and MANAGEMENT. Fail management plus rude staffs, I don't see how far it'll go. Of course, I want the best for my Uni, that's why evaluation and review should be done.

Now, I'm still procrastinating my study plan, with my laziness. Argh~!! I really hope that there is a drug that can help to eliminate laziness, and the side effect is boost up memory! It's 11pm, and I still stuck with my pharmacology.. Should've start my Clinical Pharmacy by today, and finish it. Guess my plan just fail again... ='(

It's been months since my last update. Busy life, plus my laziness, once again I abandoned my blog, feel bad.

This semester was the busiest in my degree life. Positive about this. Clinical training, reports, assignments, presentation... It's really too much for me to take in, and overwhelming. Beginning of this semester, same as previous, I told myself must study before study week, be hardworking, blablabla... As usual, I didn't make it. Sometimes, I really angry with myself, feeling hopeless, and useless. Maybe, this is me. I never be hardworking enough, like others, although I wish to be. I just give too much excuses to myself, and demotivate me from achieving it.

Watched "Life of Pi", twice to be precised. Lesson learnt: we, human are able to handle anything, to overcome all hardship we faced, overpower the challenges ahead, crossover the obstacles. The only thing we need, is to believe in ourselves. Have faith, that you can make it somehow, persistent, hold on till succeed, never give up. Isn't this is what life about? To challenges, to learn, to fail, to grow, and finally succeed. 

Read a book the other day, 365 ways to live happy, a gift for my sister from her boss. First, choose to think happy thoughts. Don't let your negative mindset control over you. Be an optimist rather than a pessimist. Second, smile more often. Force yourself to smile, and think of this sentence in mind, " I'm happy, totally blissfully happy". Smile is the simple thing to affect others with happiness. So, spread this infection, widely. Next, change one of your faults. To do this, you must be complete honest to yourself. Choose to fix what you don't like about yourself, see goodness in yourself and others. (I think for me, is laziness I need to eliminate!!)

Don't harbour a grudge. Holding on to anger, resentment and hostility only hurt your own, and make yourself suffer. Manage anger. (This one I definitely need!!!) Moreover, cultivate hope when disaster hits. If something isn't going well with life, have hope that circumstances will shift, and the situation will improve and resolve eventually. Find courage to change the current situation, rather than let stress and anxiety to empower you, and fill you with worry and stress. Try to feel hopeful. Furthermore, everyone need praise. We grow up happily as a child, because we often received praise, compliment, and from there we have hope, and courage. As we grow up, we become hesistate to do what we want, or becoming who we are, because we're too scare of how to society is going to evaluate us, what others will talk or think about us. No more compliments, but just blame, argue, and critics everywhere. That's what kill our creativity, and we tend to be the same as others in society rather than unique. Praise yourself, reward yourself when you deserve it. This helps to build your courageous, your personality, and self-esteem.

This book is really meaningful, and of course do help me to find happiness in my own. Like the title of the book. Love what I'm doing, and enjoy my life. This is the motto of my life, and I must always remind myself in this.

By the way, I'm in my study now, again~ Second last semester of my degree life, and I really hope I can finish my degree with no regret. (I regretted on my secondary school, and form six results. Just don't want to add another one.) I should probably get back to study now. =)

# Pimples pop out, and I have no idea why this all sudden. Sad!! ='(

Such a long time after my last post~ Kinda busy with my life, my studies, and training.

Life isn't easy. It never is. That's what I should keep telling myself to prevent my overload frustration and despair.

There is no one that worth you to waiting for. Why torturing myself with all the nervousness, anxiety and worriness while the one you waiting feel nothing at all? Idiotic move~ Saw from my friend's status on fb, ' Sometimes, I angry not because of what you said, it's because of how you said it.' Absolutely true~ Agree with it so much! ( As I just gone through similar case.. =.=)

It even worse when the person said it not at all felt wrong with the way he/she talked, and just blame you for being too harsh to them, and picky. What should I do when face something like this? No idea.... So, just let it be. Deal with it when I found a way. For now, just 'skip' that problem. =D

As usual, my planning for weekend going to ruin, again. Procrastination keep on going and never stop. Wonder why that always happen. =( Not that I want that, but just can't help.

Although this sem lots busier and have to deal with Clinical Pharmacy and Training, toughest subject for me, and the challenging one, as we need to apply the knowlegde we gained for last three years of studies in this particular subject, and link all of the knowlegde together, it just nice for me. I love to deal with drugs, and monitoring how it's works, helps or causing toxicity, and found solutions. It's just so interesting and challenging. Just that my knowlegde is so damn limited, because of my laziness. T.T (On my way manufacturing the new me~ ^.^ )

Manchester United vs Hot Spurs. Not going to miss it! Haha~! I'm not the die hard fan (like my sister), but I'm still a PF for Man Utd!!! (Permanent Fan XD )

 Fighting for Red Devils, fighting for myself~ My final year, and I going to make it the best year of my course~! ^o^

This is the first time, I staying for more than a week in Langkawi, after I moved out to Penang, few years back. I get more time to hang out with my friends, have fun and of course fooling around like crazy~!!
Even after so many years, we haven't seen each other often, not really hang out much, and sometimes not even talk in a year, but the link between us, never broken. 2 years of kindergarten, 6 years of primary school, 5 years of high school, more than 10 years we'd been spending to build our friendship. We had fought, quarrel, argue, jealousy, envious, competitions and lots more rivalry going on within those years, but it didn't destroy what we have, it strengthen our friendship, and here we are, with the bond, stronger than ever.

	~Gathering dinner~

1- Do not explain to anyone.
2- Don't make him your priority, when you're just his option.
3- Every morning, you can choose to keep dreaming or wake up and chase your dream.
4- Don't give promises when you're happy; don't give answers when you're sad; don't make decision when you're angry.
5- Time is like flowing water, once it's gone, it will never comes back. Enjoy now~
6- If you keep thinking of leaving the task for tomorrow, your tomorrow will never came.

Have fun~ ♥

Finally, finish my 1st sub, which according to my initial plan, I have to finish it two days ago. Hmm.. Time to start with my 2nd sub, but I keep dragging it. If compare to last time, this study week I really did something different- manage to finish a sub in 1st 3 days! [ Usually I spent the 1st few days to play, sleep and enjoy. ]

I know this is because of someone, that I got my motivation from. I made myself study, and I can feel the positive energy, whenever the laziness approaching me. I always think that nothing will change me, or can actually motivate me to keep studying. Finally realize, I'm a dependent factor. I'll become not so clever, not so alert and a bit blur+blank, when I fall into trap. Guess, I became a small girl, who will satisfy with sweets and flowers. Never thought of this. =)

It'd been such a long time, since my last appearance in my blog; such a long time, that I almost forgot what is the feeling, when you're missing someone.

There's uncertainty, when people around keep telling you that you're in love, but you don't know how true is it. You keep on reminding yourself, this can't be true, due to the some reasons, you worried, what others going to say about you, criticize you.

You wouldn't believe that he likes you, you think he was just being nice, treat you as good friend. Nothing much. I know why. You scared disappointment, you afraid of being hurt.

Misunderstanding will cost lots of adverse effect. Neuropathy will develop, confusion, depression, trauma, all have a really good chance to show up. You just don't want to be the one that misunderstood his intention. You think you will fall from heaven to hell, if the reality is, he doesn't like you the way you assumed. Everything is just your imagination, your friends' interpretations. Nothing real, nothing right.

However, you can't stop a tiny part within you, that hold on the little hope, thinking 'what if'. What if he really likes you? What if you never got the chance to see him again, and you're still wasting time here? You can let fear to hold you back, or let the fear become the energy source.

Show your care, and keep your words. There are words that meant to keep in heart, as you can't let them out now. Control your emotions, and make sure no problems will arise, because of this.

Every words that I want to say, which are not suitable for now, I'll compressed it, and make it into zip file, named 'Take Care'. =)

This is not right, I knew it. It's impossible, and yet, I wish that it will becomes reality, someday in future.

There is someone, that you can't erase from your mind. You wish to text him, but you don't know what to say.

There're things that you want to delete, but you're so reluctant to do so. People always said, you have to delete those old messages, to get the new and better one. But then, I was thinking, what if there's no better that I can wish from him? So, I can't do that. I'm scared.

I don't know how. So, just let it be.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Sunshine comes after the rain. If you lucky enough, the rainbow will be there for you too.

Mood swing syndrome started to diminish..Fading slowly. Guess I'm getting back to the normal self.
Keep telling myself, it's never too late. When you think you're too late, that time is actually the earliest time for you to start. It's the right moment.

Shouldn't compare and compete with others. I always try my best, and believe that I'm the best since primary school. No tension, no stress, and nothing to lose. I study when I feel to, and play when I no mood for study. Everything is simple and easy. I won't compare myself with others, because I don't think I need. I put myself at the 1st place, and confident to myself. I love to spend time alone, doing my stuffs, and enjoy my day-dreaming moment.

Years passed. Things change. Yet, I believe that I can still live my life, maybe not like last time, but I can erase the urge to compete, the envious that should never be there.

I shouldn't envy others' life, I should let others' to envy my life.

A relaxing, enjoying, joyful yet meaningful, knowlegeable, and self-enriched lifestyle. I love the way I am. I should, I must and I will. =)

停在这里不敢走下去
让悲伤无法上演
下一页
你亲手写上的离别
由不得我拒绝
这条路我们走得太匆忙
拥抱着并不真实的欲望
来不及等不及回头欣赏
木兰香遮不住伤
不再看天上太阳透过云彩的光
不再找
约定了的天堂
不再叹你说过的人间世事无常
借不到的三寸日光

停在这里不敢走下去
让悲伤无法上演
下一页
你亲手写上的离别
由不得我拒绝
这条路我们走得太匆忙
拥抱着并不真实的欲望
来不及等不及回头欣赏
木兰香遮不住伤
不再看天上太阳透过云彩的光
不再找
约定了的天堂
不再叹你说过的人间世事无常
借不到的三寸日光

不再看天上太阳透过云彩的光
不再找
约定了的天堂
不再叹你说过的人间世事无常
借不到的三寸日光
那天堂是我爱过你的地方

= All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I AM NOBODY BUT MYSELF. =

  ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

Mid sem examination is on next month, but I already start to feel the terror. I can't stay calm. I'm scared. I don't know how to study well, do well.

Keep on persuading myself, everything gotta be okay, it's just one sem, one BAD sem. I not going to let it control over me. However, seems like it had traumatize me already. I don't know what can I do to make everything right in this one month. I not even know whether I can manage to study and understand every single lecture. I become a coward before the war.

Forcing myself, challenge my limits. This is what should do. I should never give up myself, stand there waiting for the dooms day. Everything gotta be okay, trying to comfort myself.

I wonder is it the book, or things in Uni make me suffocated?

I'm not yet ready for the responsibility, and to grow up, I guess. I'm overwhelming with worrisome thoughts, like always. I not going to get over it for my whole life, I just can't stop worrying.
I'm the new elected Class Representative. I need to start my research project as soon as I can, which in same group with a classmate I barely know, under the surveillance of a lecturer that I think I'm not one of her favourite. Besides, the Industrial training stuff worry me a lots. We will be allocated in different industry in various state, which will be decide by the industry according to our cgpa. I don't have my own transport, and I need to stay in my home.

The immediate problem that arises is if I have to rent a place to stay, I need to pay. The financial thing is the most severe problem now. I'm under stress. I don't know where should I get money for my daily expenses, throughout this semester. I convinced others that I can handle it, that I sure will get it right. However, this thing never get out from my mind, it never rest, and keep on haunting me.
I just need to figure this out, as soon as possible, before it dried me out. Dread.

I try to relax myself, but I guess I just not really good in managing it yet. I was letting it to wore me down. Breathe... Breathe... Breathe... I can make it.

人生，真的很短暂。我们往往都会在最意想不到的时刻，发生让人意外的事情。

或许，这对阿姨来说是一种解脱。这些年，我不是很清楚，她过得怎样。但她从小就无法表达自己的想法，不能让人知道自己的意见，应该都很不好受。在晚年，又得承受病痛，却又有苦说不出。也许，上天为了不要让她再承受更多的痛与苦，才把阿姨带走了。

阿姨，安息吧！我们会怀念您的。
愿您在另一个世界，在天堂的某处，快乐的存在着。