Making Enough of Me

I kept a blog journal for almost six years at the infamous blogger site of The Forney Four. I have been mulling for a few weeks about changing things up a bit in the way I blog and journal the adventures I have with my little family. It didn't feel right to keep things the way they were, especially because we've been the Forney Five for nearly three years! My poor little girl was getting left out and it was her face and adventures I found myself writing the most about. 

I needed a fresh start. A new chapter all together.

A week ago I went to a women's conference put on by my stake. The speaker was Barbara B. Jones, a prominent LDS speaker who travels all over the world teaching women how to be better and more believing in Christ and in themselves. I was truly edified and felt electric as I walked out of those chapel doors, with the hope of a possible renewal in how I lived my life. 

One of the things shared with us that day was this song, by Julie de Azevedo. It spoke to my very soul and I felt as if I was the one singing it, pleading personally with the Lord to make more of me. I knew it would become my new mantra and prayer and I've reflected on it again and again.

Yesterday in preparing for Easter, and thankful for the beautiful Good Friday I woke up to, the phone rang. On the other end of the line was my husband. I knew immediately something was wrong, but didn't think for a million years he would give me the answer he gave.

"I just got terminated."

His words stung my ears. I made him repeat them. Twice. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was his dream job. A position he miraculously got just 95 days before. This was a job we saw ourselves staying at for years and years. We were excited at the possibilities and opportunities it was bringing us. For the first time in years, we felt that glimmering hope and excitement for what felt like fresh air being breathed back into our lungs, after feeling like gasping for so long.

We cried in our embrace when he got home. We sobbed together and couldn't find the words we both wanted to say. The reason for his termination stung even more. He wasn't "meeting their expectations" and was simply shown the door. For my introverted-and-deeply-perfectionist husband, this was more painful than losing a limb.

As deeply as this hurts, I guess in a way I got what I wanted. A fresh start. A new chapter. If the Lord can raise Jairus' daughter and turn wine into water, He can make more of me, too. If He can surrender to the garden and give the nails and thorns a pardon, I can find a way to open my heart and make more room to let Him do what He feels is best for me.