Making Enough of Me

As I put her back to bed, my mind began to swirl. What is it about an early morning wake up that gets the juices flowing? For me when that happens, I can't shut off my brain. And then I can't go back to sleep. Since my boys will be up in less than an hour for school, it looks like my day has already started.

I have a lot on my mind these days. I often feel overwhelmed by what is waiting for us on the near horizon. And then I let myself get caught up in the little things and if you do the math, that just adds up to a whole heap of worry, most of which is probably unnecessary.

Since my husband's alarm went off shortly thereafter, and knowing a return to dreamland was out of the question, I began saying my morning prayers. As I did, I felt the floodgates open and then couldn't stop them. So much to say and so much to ask.  When I was finished, these words simultaneously "popped" into my head, just like manna from Heaven:

Here's a little Mormon doctrine on the side for you:

The first Sunday of every month is designated as Fast Sunday in our church. Members fast for two consecutive meals and donate the money "saved" from those missed meals as offerings. Those offerings are different than tithing and go directly to help clothe and feed the poor and those in need. It is all personal and private and follows the same law of the fast as recorded in the scriptures. 

Ok, now back to me.

(Don't you love how good I am at doing that?)

I used to be awesome at the whole fast Sunday thing. It was a non issue and a challenge I readily accepted. Especially as a missionary in DC, we would often fast on more days than just fast Sunday. Oh, how awesome we thought we were! (Until our mission president properly put us in our place.) After a few lessons in humility and grace, it has become a practice I firmly believe in and I know with all my heart the effectiveness of it. (Have you seen how much rain has descended upon California and Utah in the last few weeks?!)  However, it's been a bit less common practice in my life the last several years. Chalk it up to pregnancy and motherhood and feeding little mouths and late night date nights on Saturday and other mundane things that kept me from adequately and properly observing the fast.

Last year when I was the gospel doctrine teacher in Sunday school, I had to teach a lesson on the Law of the Fast, and I revisited and rechecked myself with regards to how faithfully I had been in participating in Fast Sunday. I recommitted myself to do better and came to understand just how personal it was between me and The Lord. (It's interesting how those "higher laws" are so deeply personal between the worshipper and The One being worshipped.) 

When I found out I was pregnant in the fall, I knew fast Sunday would quickly become a thing of the past and old habits would quickly come back. Pregnant women are advised not to fast, for obvious reasons, so it's not anything to feel badly about. I wanted to participate, somehow, but wasn't sure what would be the best way to do so.

This past fast Sunday I was taking some alone time before church to think and ponder about what I could do and how to keep my New Year's goal of getting closer to Christ. I thought of the things that I spend too much time doing, and could I possibly fast from those things?

The answer was YES.

And thus the Facebook fast was born.

I started deleting a few "essential" apps from my phone, mainly Facebook. I knew I spent countless hours scrolling through the sordid and non essential details of the  lives of people I know (and some that I don't!) Taking a cue from Hands Free Mama, I realized how much time my kids saw me with my little pink Otterbox protected over-priced device and that a fast from that would definitely amount to some good. 

And it certainly has. I have read more, pondered more, paid more attention, spent more time, slept more, worried less, judged less, envied less, and overall lived better. 

Just like the physical aspects of the law of the fast is meant to lift us to higher heights and closer to God and His will for us and those we love, my little seemingly unimportant and truly not much of a sacrifice Facebook fast has done the same in its own special way. 

Don't be offended if you find out tomorrow we're no longer "friends." It doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means I love my phone less!

 

Our initial plan was that in the fall I would go back to school full time while the Little Miss started preschool and the boys were in school during the day. Thinking about being on campus again was thrilling and frightening at the same time. While I love a freshly sharpened pencil and clean crisp paper waiting for notes in a notebook, I felt intimidation creep up on me before I could even step into a classroom. Being an "oldie" in a sea of recent high school grads who hadn't begun to taste what life was like, felt a tad bit overbearing. But with 90 credits burning a whole in my mom jeans pocket, it was time.

 

But then the pregnancy test came back positive.

 

So I put those pocket burning credits on the back burner to simmer for a few more years. Home is where I wanted to be. Home is where I needed to be, with both of my ladies and there when my boys  walked in the door.

 

Truth be told, however, I couldn't stop the nagging feeling that it really was time to go back, and I needed to just let go of my fears and embrace my wonder woman status once and for all. A quick chat with a close friend and spiritual advisor, and a "Yes, yes, yes, yes it's about time" from my husband, I began to search for universities that would accommodate my status. After talking to another dear friend (who just happens to be the superwife of the first friend), I felt Heavenly Father guiding me and giving me the green light.

 

I have found what I think is the best school and the best program and the best opportunity for me and my growing brood. I recently submitted my final application, requested transcripts from the previous two universities I attended, and completed the financial aid package. It all seems very surreal and even as I clicked that final "submit" I can't believe after all these years it is my turn to go back to school.

 

And now I just wait for the acceptance letter.

 

Gulp.

 

It will come, right?

 

 

 

 

 

One of the local Baptist congregations here in town sponsors a basketball league every winter. Last year Mason took a break from soccer and really fell in love with dribbling and shooting.  This year Marcus decided he wanted in on the action and because our attempts at getting a soccer team together totally fizzled, he asked to sign up, too. I happily obliged because my standing "rule" as a mom is one activity at a time. Countless talks from church leaders have emphasized family time and the burdens of overloading our kids (and parents) by running them here and there and everywhere in between. (This one is a favorite.) I feel really strongly about this and avoid any unnecessary outside influence by spending more quality time as a family, and giving them adequate rest.  One outside-of-the-home activity at a time is perfect. Mason has basketball and scouts, which, with school work is plenty as far as I am concerned. Marcus has basketball and in the future he'll have scouts, too. With my calling in the Young Women program at church, that takes me out of the home for at least one night a week, so I try to be really careful about other activities that require our family to be apart. In the off season the kiddos do run club at school or choose another sport or activity. I am sure this won't last too long as in the future we will throw in a music lesson or two, and don't even get me started on TWO little girls. (Daddy already has serious soccer team coaching plans for them!) But I am determined to keep it this way until they are older.  Children have enough pressure as it is and so as for me and my house, this is what we do. Other families may feel differently, and if it works for them, then great!

 

The basketball season ended this past weekend amidst triumph and tears. I was proud of my kiddos for plugging along and never quitting, despite the odds stacked against them (mainly, having us as their parents for we are some serious non-ESPNers. It's the superbowl? huh? We have a professional basketball and baseball team in our city? What?)  It definitely was a character building experience being on the teams they were assigned to, and I took great pride in watching them deal with the pros and cons of each situation. I can't say I will ever miss the nacho snack bar food fest after each game, but I will miss their excitement each time they were called up to play in a quarter.