Making Enough of Me

As the title of this post says, we have two months to go until our not so little family of six is back together. That may not seem like much to you, but all these thousands of miles that separate us make me feel at times like it will never end. I guess I could be positive and say...

That's 8 more blog posts (one a week)

That's 2 more fast Sundays

That's 4 more paydays 

That's 2 more mortgage payments

That's halfway through the semester

That's after General Conference (Elder Holland, I need one of your good discourses...)

That's just before Halloween

That's when Maegan could technically have a nibble of something besides just me 

That seems like an eternity. 

I miss him so much. And the kids don't like talking to him anymore on FaceTime. Marcus said rather abruptly that it was because "I JUST MISS HIM AND WANT TO SEE HIS REAL FACE." And then he turned and walked away while I pretty much fell into a heap on the floor. 

It's not easy on any of us, but we all handle it differently. And we do it because if he can be brave then so can we. I won't lie.... As I watch all the turmoil and the unrest all over the world, particularly close to where he is right now, I sometimes don't feel so brave. I wake up and put on a strong front though, especially for the kids. I didn't tell them how I was on the phone video-talking with Daddy just yesterday when the sirens went off and I heard explosions on the other end. I didn't tell them that he kept his phone on and I watched him run down to the bunker underneath his building. I wish I didn't know that had happened, either.

 

My kids are being blessed and are pretty resilient, despite what feels like chaos and a lack of consistency all around them.

 

 

Maegan is the least affected. Can you tell? 

And her big sister just tries to handle business as usual. 

While following the motto on her shirt.

 

This one however seems to be getting a little more wild and too quick to keep up with.

But he's cute so I blindly oblige.

And this one has about a million things going through his mind at any given second so I don't know what he really feels exactly. I think he takes the role of "man of the house" a little too seriously and needs some time to lighten up a bit. Thankfully his birthday is just around the corner so that should do the trick.

 

And me? I am just trying to take care of all of us without forcing anyone into therapy (myself included.) Thank goodness I have family around to keep me semi-sane. 

 

Two months.

I got this.

My sister Sara (of the famous Sara Boulter Photography) recently took pictures of my girls and me. It is always so fun to be around her and benefitting from her amazing talents is just a huge bonus. I'm always so grateful that she'll take the time to capture my family in such a beautiful way. Being in Utah has its perks, for sure. Spending time with my talented sister is right up there at the top of the list. She even beats out Café Rio, that's how amazing she is.

 

We sent some of these pictures to Daddy and if he didn't miss us before, he certainly misses us now. He only knows baby girl as a week old, so it will be wonderful to have him back (we're almost to the half-way mark!) so he can really get acquainted with her. For now, he'll just have to check this blog post a few times a day...

 



Overwhelmed and underpaid
Morning comes too soon
Running late and on my plate
A million things to do

Got a baby cryin’
Another trying to find the other shoe
When I open my eyes
The dam will break
Their need will flood my room.

 

 

You made wine from water
And raised up Jairus’ daughter from her bed
From her bed
Filled the empty fishing nets
And with some loaves and fishes fed
A hungry crowd 
Make enough of me to go around.

 

 

My mother’s sick
And I’m late to pick up kids at school
I need to clean
Can’t fit in my jeans
The fridge gives no comfort food

You made wine from water
Raised up Jairus’ daughter from her bed
From the dead
Filled the empty fishing nets
And with some loaves and fishes
Fed a hungry crowd   

I hunger now
Make enough of me to go around 

Multiply and magnify
This tiny little life of mine
Enlarge me
And expand this heart
And fill it with divine

My heart is cold
Nothing grows
But thistles and some thorns
They choke the light
And shrink the vine
I need to be reborn

 

 

You made wine from water
And told a scarlet daughter
Sin no more
Surrendered to the garden
Through thorns and nails you pardoned
The angry crowd 
Make enough of me to go around

 

*Words and Music by Julie de Azevedo

 

Go here to listen to the song (See sidebar)

It's been almost 6 weeks since my husband left. I wish I could say we are half way done but I have a ways to go before that and truthfully we are just getting started. I don't cry every day like I did in the beginning, which is a huge plus. I used to give myself permission to cry as long as the kids weren't around, but that never seemed to happen (they are always around!). 

I had hoped by this time that constant lump in my throat would have disappeared but it hasn't. Yesterday while visiting Happy Valley (aka Utah county), my sister gave me the gift of two hours of solace and I walked across the street to the Provo Temple. When the session was over, and I was on the "other side" and didn't see my husband there waiting for me (he's always there when I go to the temple), I just burst into tears and left quickly. And today that same sister picked her husband up from the airport after he had been gone for a month and when I saw them embrace, I couldn't help it and broke my own rule of not crying in front of the kids. 

Thankfully my man and I still get to FaceTime almost every day, and even though the connection can be pretty spotty, I know I am very blessed to be able to see and talk to him as much as I do. He has one day off a week and those are his hardest days because he doesn't have anything to distract him. I send him pictures daily of the kids, especially the baby so he can see her progress. She has actually put on a few ounces since he left. Hooray!  Thankfully she will still be our tiny tator tot when he gets back and won't have changed too much. He missed a full year of his other baby girl and that was rough. 

My family here in Utah is taking good care of us. My kids are in cousin heaven and for the most part I am able to have empty hands for brief moments during the day. The baby is even "this" close to taking a binky-- for my sisters, not for me-- so that helps, too. Being near so many temples and the mountains makes my heart comforted as I am reminded of eternity and the grandeur of life's experiences. I have been very blessed and despite the lump I carry around in my throat, the clock is ticking and soon this will all just be a memory. I might even be able to say, "Wow, I totally rocked that." For now I am content just to say, "I made it today."

Last night I was praying for a miracle. I needed something specific and because I believe in the power of prayer, combined with faith and understanding, I knew it could be granted to me. I readily believed that I could have this miracle, as I have been the recipient of many in the past. 

But that's not what this post is about.

After I asked for my miracle, I turned to my friend Google who has become a bit of a companion in the night while feeding my baby. I don't recommend letting Google becoming your best friend, especially when your attention is needed elsewhere, but she does serve as a good companion when I need to remain semi-conscious so my baby girl can be fed.

That's not what this post is about either.

I googled the words " miracles have not ceased" which is a direct line of scripture from The Book of Mormon. (If you read my blog, please read that book. You will get much more out of it than any of my posts and you will know why I believe as I do.) I thought my friend Google would just take me to that verse of scripture (I was falling asleep and too lazy to look up the verse in Moroni), but it led me elsewhere.  Instead it linked me to all these "evangelizing" websites that tried to convince me how miracles have ceased. Google got my search all wrong. I wanted to read how they haven't ceased, not how they have ceased. After reading a few of the posts from different religious "experts" my heart grew sad and heavy. How wrong they are. How very, very, very wrong.

That's what this post is about. 

I am here to tell you, and to add my opposing conviction to those blogs that miracles have NOT ceased.  They did not end with the death of Jesus, nor with the death of His Apostles. Miracles are real and happen every day. The same line of authority that existed on the earth when Jesus walked and ministered among the people, exists today and is exercised by faithful individuals with power to heal, to aid, to comfort, and to bless. And beyond the scope of that authority (known as the Priesthood), are countless faithful people who know the God they pray to will grant unto them according to their faith and according to His will. People are healed. Lives are brought back. Prayers are answered. Comfort is given. Witnesses are recorded. 

Miracles have not ceased and neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men. Who are those angels? Well sometimes they are literal, like I wrote a few posts back when I shared that story about the pioneers pushing their handcarts. And other more often times, they are your neighbor or your sister or your friend or your co-worker or your children or your spouse or a stranger or a church leader. They come in a variety of ways, but they always come. If you are too busy or preoccupied you might not see them, but they're there. Trust me. God is a God of miracles. He is also a Father and because we are His children and joint-heirs with Christ, He desires to bless us. He wants to bless us.

I know this first hand and I bet you do, too. So if you've seen a miracle, please share it and pass this on. I don't care what Google says, I know better and I know that miracles have not ceased. Help me get the word out, won't you?