legitimate fouls....

my fren intro-ed me this song... quite nice la... very sweet... song was 1 year ago though... song is composed and sung by Connie 呂莘...

and contrary to popular belief (eg. shawn's)... no... i don't always go for looks.... in fact i don't... period... oh but granted the girls in the youtube vids i showed him were nice... no wonder he got the wrong idea la....

lets see... connie is actually nice.... tay kewei is nice...

the guitarist from stereo pony is omg nice... check out http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=U3Sphp6OX8o

and YUI is FRIGGIN NICE...

oh well... BUT THEY DO HAVE TALENT WAD!!


晚安吻

一起煮了恐怖的晚餐 我願意
一起租了無聊的電影 也願意
最大的幸福就是每天都能夠見到你 平淡之中耍甜蜜

每天聽你胡說八道也 沒關係
就算安靜沒了話題也 沒關係
除了你這些我都不在意 但不會忘記 這親密的小約定

送給你特調的晚安吻 好代表我愛你有幾分
在每一個凌晨 趁你還睡得沉
細數你又多了幾條頑皮的皺紋

愛上你耍賴的早安吻 連瞌睡蟲也都為你沉淪
我的每個早晨 都是美好香醇
每日每夜不停的疼 是一種天份

我最大的幸福就是每天都能夠見到你 平淡之中耍甜蜜
這親密的小約定


enjoy then...

as each day passes... it's sinking in further and futher.... i already know that i won't be entitled to anything... i should deserve nothing... and it wouldn't surprise me at all if it turns out that way in the end....

but please stop reminding me.... i don't need it coming from anyone else... you think I don't know where I stand...? oh please...


because it should be that way... no one else should have to suffer... or bear any pain... be it physical, mental or emotional.... and least of all... sigh...

isn't there anyone that will encourage me... tell me it's okay... that i shouldn't have to worry... that life goes on...? sprout the crap that there are people worse off....?

seriously... all i ask... all i need... is for some one to help in my prayer... to help me to believe in what i am losing hope in.... agree with my prayer and give me the boost of faith that might so be the key...

i guess it's too much to ask.... i wish it weren't so....



though i guess if after so long... and after everything... ghosts still linger... things couldn't suck more could it...?


where do we go from here..?

possibly to the end i dread so much.... but expect... and i only have myself to blame....





merry christmas guys....

i really only want to give you the best... but the cruel irony... is that there is still one problem... that is impossible to change or rectify... and i really simply have to control over....


but i'm really praying so hard for Him to give a favourable answer... to solve that one last obstacle within me....




and i can't stop thinking that you deserve much better.... so much better.... you shouldn't ever have to be hurt, sad or disappointed...


'cos all i want... is to be good enough....

it's the feeling of so close yet so far.... making me feel so alive... and inadequate at the same time....

because whatever i do.... in the end... i still have yet to get past myself....

and for that simple reason... i'll never be good enough.... do you understand the meaning of never...?

why..? it's just not fair....

does He hear me each nite...? does He even care...?

when going to bed each nite is just sadness... and you pray that somehow... He will finally answer that one prayer... and waking up... the first second of hope... then realising that it's still the same.... same... same disappointing life....

rinse and repeat...


i just want to be good enough... is that so much to ask of Him...? does He not see where the problem lies...? He hears... He sees... i'm sure He understands.... but i'm lacking that trigger... to which it would convince Him to do so.... because until He heals it all... i'll never feel complete... and never be able get past the one obstacle that has held me back since i can remember.....


i really can't afford to lose this.... it's the last chance i'm giving myself... and if it fails.... all i can say is that certain things in my life will have to be reviewed...

not something i'm looking forward to....



God... you know me... you understand right...? help me... give me a chance to make things right... take away all this unfairness please.... take it all away... i've had enough of this feeling... i've had enough of it.... please heal it all...

you wouldn't just stand by and watch a friend walk down a road... knowing it would lead to a hole... in which he or she would fall in and hurt themselves rite...?

not even to a stranger would you be that cruel...


so i take it that everyone's silence... or lack thereof a warning... tells me... i'm still doing fine...

can i do that...?




i'm sorry if you felt pressured... or that i had some kind of expectations.... but i don't... and seriously... i don't have the right to do so....

all i ask is just not to leave me in a position where i do not know what is going on..... you said okay... but then everything turned out so contradicting.... especially after no one answered... then "there is no response blah blah blah" throughout the hour........ and then later on just before dinner... -.-...

but i understand your difficulties smsing... and i'm sorry that i'm causing it.... so i guess i'll stop from now on....

sigh... when i should be cheering you up eh...?

jolted up from sleep...











i realised there may never be an end to all this madness...

been having the worst of headaches the last few days... and panadolsssses have not helped at all... damn it... and just when the recoupment went out.... the stack of claims came in....

bloody hell... i earn 1.3k here... just like anyone else.... why does my life get to be SO different...?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

giving... giving.... giving... but there will be limit to all of it....

it's something i really wish you could understand....

to be honest... sometimes i wonder if it means anything at all....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay.... i'd be the first to admit that i MIGHT have been wrong about our dear friend...

because in the last week or so... i haven't really had much to go on.... but i am one who gives appreciation where it is due.... and i do owe a huge amount of thanks here... i was very suprised at the attempt....

it's been a long time since i had anything remotely close to this....

anyways... i should know better than to give my trust completely... after certain betrayals... conspiracy theories run through me like hot knife through butter... people like me especially... shouldn't take anything or anyone at face value that easily....

but still... you have to run with what you can get in these situations....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

all i ask... is that you tell me... the truth...

if there's a point in all of this...

was cheryl's birthday on monday...

it 's been what... 2.5 years since we last talked..? back then... she was still deciding whether to go overseas or not...

must be hard... so long away from home... even granted all the holidays and everything.... anyways... as long as you aren't hcc's finance clerk... can already la...

ok la... she remembered i liked newcastle and alan shearer... funny... don't think i really mentioned it to her though... never really a topic in our conversations... or maybe it was the t-shirt at that time.... haha....

but still... when she mentioned about the falling out with wee jin... all i could think was that i was glad it wasn't her.... i mean seriously... i would have gone up to wee jin and punched him if it was...

-.- and Mr. Ken... is a mixer... haha...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

friends like this don't exist anymore.... where everything is so.... unconditional.... where genuine care and concern just comes from the heart.... and simple appreciation.... not having to be asked...

it's not notice that i ask... seriously... anyone who didn't notice... has to be a) blind... or b) choosing to be oblivious.... neither of which applies here... at least i hope....

but apparently i'm desperate enough to grab whatever comes my way.... and go goo-goo-gaa-gaa over it...

that's how far the fall has been.... and it's a seemingly distant wish....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

aiya... and those tidbeads people... nothing to say.... haha... tell them already... still must go and confirm.... put my name there some more.... wah lau... noob leh...

wasted la... :(

sometimes i'm really at a lost for words... at those times i wished i could do more.... more than personally handing you a tissue and telling you that it'll be okay....

and i always try to tread lightly... even then you leave me wondering at times if i had inadvertently put a foot in the wrong direction....



but it's just for you to always be happy...





because that's all that really matters....

i'm just really fed up....

people spent theirs with tons of friends and loved ones.... and many more banners, cards and stuff...

with a ton of wishes...

heck... even she was there..... of all people....


mine...? mulling over what the heck AORs are... remittance how ah... financial reports... ARGH!!

lets be honest for a moment here.... what has he done... that i haven't...? how come his warrents such a cool night... but mine sweating over work...?

yet not a single person said anything... and the person i most hoped would remember... didn't even know...

case study in point... one day in class... some one asked to say something about him... "oh.. he's very friendly... hardworking... and really helpful...!"

excuse me... HELPFUL?!?!?! .... and me = not helpful... you've got to be joking....

i couldn't give a hoot if no one said anything... just as long as that one person would remember....



because how would i expect anything with the better friend...? would it help to say i never ever want to see you get hurt again...?

i just don't want that kind of feeling again.... but it's much too late to pull out now....


because why do i have to apologise for their mistake...? i shouldn't have to suffer one bit... i've done NOTHING to deserve this kind of treatment.... what makes me less worthy than them at all...?

when you realise the things you have to go up against....

i rather not dwell on them... it's too depressing... totally not worth the time...

and if history has shown anything... it's that the art of espionage always matters greatly in any war.... and i wouldn't be surprised if there are spies already reporting real-time info to the other side... giving status updates.... which wouldn't help at all...

i don't care... i've pretty much gone at pretty much everything alone....


but the reason i hold on... is because of something that i was shown when i was 12... sadly though... i didn't treasure it till it was gone....

i promise i won't make the same mistake twice.... but that's only if....

i already know you're worth it...

you know.... sometimes i just can't help wondering what's happening on the other side...

even then... she said not to worry... but there's always that lingering thought...


actually... all i wanted to hear was some appreciation... oh well... i guess maybe you have your own definition of appreciation... your own way of showing it....

but all i wanted to know... was that it made a difference... even a little one... because that was the whole point wasn't it...? come to think of it... you probably didn't even want to go there in the first place... or be reminded of it... i apologise then... i was only trying to help in the way that i knew how...

sounds lame la... sorry...


crap... i didn't even know i was on duty today lor... haven't even recover from friday's duty... today kena another one... ok la... my fault actually for not looking properly... but still... 4 duties in a month leh!!!!...

wanted to go heng chun cut hair... borrow dvds...

like that how to call people later...? oh well... as long as they don't leave me in the ops room alone...

another sleepless night...


just tell me IT is worth it...

you know... i used to think i could sorta read people very well... by simply watching their body actions... you could tell what they were thinking... especially from how people behaved when they were with another person... you could nail it down as to what they felt about the other party...

see where i'm going here...?


i doubt it...


all the last week or so has taught me... is that whatever conclusions i came to before... had to be thrown out the window... i kid you not...

oh come on... from the way he behaved around her... the way he smiled... the way he was oh so interested and willing... and from the way she reacted... and the way she even asked him to teach her in the very first place...

it's simple putting 2 and 2 together really... and have i mentioned that they are the first actual people that i COULD agree seeing together... i even have the screenshots to show the msn nicks which they shared together....

then well... facebook comes along and throws the curved ball at you... i wonder if he knew... but then again he must have... "wtf!?!" doesn't even begin to explain what i felt at that point in time...

i seriously pity her choice... and my best friend...



so apparently those dinnerS after work... stressing on the "s" here... and whatever outings... didn't mean a thing...

especially when that retard had asked almost everybody short of the national guard (which includes me la!) ... on the list of "who knows you"... to contact you that day... freakin pissed me off btw... because no... you don't ask jing kai to contact hui ee for you... you don't ask ming en to contact alicia for you... you don't ask wee jin to contact karen for you... and you damn sure don't ask any other guy in class to contact cheryl for you... freak you mindless twit... you just don't... have some damn respect...


sorry... i just needed to rant about that one more time... ANYWAYS....

now it's like that... and ghosts or not... no one's here to tell you what to do... you should already know by now... but i'll support you yes... i just want the best for you... or at the very least for you to be happy... and if it takes time and effort then so be it... whatever the outcome...

just because it's what you mean to me...

no... i haven't gone off the deep end... sorry about that... you guys will have to wait a little longer before i really go crazy...

anyways... changed the song playing and i'm gonna finally replace archer's words with an excerpt of this song... it's kinda cool in a freaky sense...

okay... so the sucky starship troopers 3 movie had a part to play... being so sucky... the song stood out even more of course.... it's the best part of the whole show...

what better words in a song to sing when going into battle eh...? sky marshall omar anoke!!!

ok la... enjoy....

comments...?

the night went by and i was reminding si hui of the past... wah lau.. can't believe she forget everything that happened in secondary school...

no matter how sucky it was for me then... at least a little of it was worth to remember la....

'cept a little bit of her darius of course... haha... even the time when vivienne chua scolded her for not studying for the vocab test... and attributed it to her spending time with darius... bitch of a teacher i tell you...

and then there were the things about alicia...


pretty fun stuff chatting about the past... and i told her why she was a treasured friend... things which went all the way back to primary school...


but seriously... it all started when i was telling her about kurosagi... the show she recommended to watch because of her idol inside... and then the topic about the girl in the story being able to cook came up...


and then tired la...

i guess some things go by just like that for you... either it's not important enough or not even worth for you to remember it in anyway.... still i hope it did make an impact some how...

what's the chance there could maybe be just that little bit more sensitivity or understanding at times.... you have more than enough on your plate to deal with already i know... but if just 5 mins of your time could make someone else's day seem that much easier... an sms or 2... then why not... surely it's worth it...?

but even as just a friend....? or not.... i'm really sorry if you felt presurised in any way... but seriously... there's no one else i'd want to talk to more... at the end of a crappy day...

i just wonder at times if things i do are even appreciated at all.... maybe you might even find it bothersome... but heck... if there's even a minute chance that what i do could make you laugh or smile... make your day that little bit better or ease your pain... i'd do it in a flash... again and again... 5 mins or not... because you are worth the effort....

just so you know that you are not alone....

maybe it takes longer to earn your trust... i don't know... unfortunately... things don't usually go away because you try to pretend they are not there.... it just causes more hurt and pain...

anyways... maybe you wouldn't even bother to notice...



okay... so i changed the song... aiya some one said the girl on the left voice too act cute... but wah lau... is CUTE wad.... haiz...

so here's a bit of trivia on this song then... it's of course mr. 范逸臣's song... but i took this one which is the excerpt of the movie 海角七号 or Cape no. 7 which i know was showing in singpore before i came back... so catch it if you can... but actually only if you like a no storyline love story and you wanna see a little of what i see every day....

anyways... the whole reason the movie is that popular here in taiwan... and even MORE popular here in my area... is because the movie was shot in... welll... my area (no prizes for guessing)... right here 10 mins away in heng chun area... and slightly futher up in kenting... hence the craze.... hence what i see every day....

also... if you remember the song before this... the slightly off tuned entrance voice... it was sung by the girl on the keyboard.... ^-^!! cute right...? lol sorry.... sucker for girls who play instruments la... anyways you can pretty much tell when the focus was on her for a sentence of the song... little off tune also....

so there... enjoy...

because all that was lacking... was toybox playing in the background... and it would have been an exact copy and paste from better times in the past...

i missed it terribly....

maybe it IS because i'm the only child... somethings i don't understand.... i don't comprehend... so i try to make up for it by always trying to give others choices... to take away the impression that people like us always have to get our way... but you put your faith in people who couldn't give a second hoot about you... and those choices usually end up the same way...

utterly and sorely disappointing...

thus sometimes... i guess you do have to stand up for things you want.... and just maybe people around might take you more seriously...


all you want actually... is some one to be on the other end of your voice... with a simple "haha... it's okay..." or "no... it's not dumb".... it's all i ask really... somewhere i could bounce my day off... bounce ideas off... bounce what i was feeling off... just humour me anyways... or slap me back with the brutal truth... but for godsake... just listen....

for her voice....

i forgot what i wanted to say... keeping quiet for most of it... but it made me feel alive again for a change.... a voice at the end of my voice... having to think doubley hard to phrase my thoughts.... and it wasn't until yihang threatened to throw me off the top bunk if i didn't tell him the story properly... that i truly for a day... felt at peace...

neither looking forward nor dreading tomorrow because of all the things left untouched.... but serene peace...

and for once in a long time... i had nothing i wanted to say or do before i closed my eyes.... and even if it is for a day... for this one time it'll be something to remember....



which is exactly why i waited up to say "happy birthday..."

the past was the past...

spent the first night back telling the guys about home leave...

i related everything that happened... and apparently... according to them... there's still that little bit of hope....

i wish i could be that optimistic...

because if one could do all that... but yet still turn around... and say those words... then where do i stand really...?

apparently... it's normal... because yi hang has gone through all that with his "c-cup" (thats how she was refered to...) and more... and yea... still nothing...

when to me... all that would matter... is a home cooked meal with the folks.... so pardon me if i took it for granted that it was a done deal between you guys... and i was genuinely suprised when those words came out....

okay and relieved too... ^-^...

still in some ways... i don't totally buy the whole story.... but that's my own problem...


sheesh... i shouldn't be bothering about this really... with what... more than 6 months to go here... the work is already piling up... i can't walk for more than a distance in camp without some one saying to me.... "jap! eh i got claim to do..." / "jap! when u settling the claims?" ..... spare me pls... there's alot else for me to catch up on... and contrary to popular belief... i do have claims of my own... i'm just as anxious to do it....

and then there's bills and AORs to settle... there's the remittance for dec... there's the expenditure summary to do....

but apparently it's quite obvious that even eileen could tell... it's affecting the way i reply... so really sorry for sounding a little down...


here's wishing in vain that things will improve...


better start working on getting those mystery boxes already...

it was good seeing the guys back at HQSA... clement, kelvin, yan shen, winson, nicholas, jayson, daryl, andrew, raakesh... (left anyone out?) and the mdms...

and of course clement... 2lt w e ho...

talked to everyone... reminised about the times i sat next to kelvin looking at blogs... edmw... and then learning about his recent fight... power la... i think he has magical self healing powers...

had lunch with clement (HQSA one...) at fish and co..... and there got nice waitress... ^_^

and i think i saw jia ler too.... ^_^

-------

but then it went downhill from there... needless to say... lost my appetite and skipped dinner...

so this is how it all played out...

and i'm sorry for anything and everything... phrasing it nicely...

but i just needed to know...

-----

anyways this isn't some sort of not here nor there thing that you bring back to taiwan with you for the next 6-7 months... and more... (confirm delay which is sianz... or extended which is my choice one) it is the reason you are there and doing your best... what you look forward to... what you hold on to...

why you tolerate the nonsense from people there...

yea i push myself to do so... because it's not within me to leave anything not here nor there... i always do my best...

it's just too bad then...


"SEND ME BACK LA!!" .... sounds really tempting.... see la... past the 6 months... lao jiao already... guai lan already... pai kia liao la....



abu den..?

-----

oh and YUI has a new song... but i don't really like it...

yet...

someone please tell me that day was a dream... a joke...

because it meant so much to me... it meant everything...

but it seems like it's not even a passing mention in your memories...

i would really feel much better... i could at least laugh it off... unfortunately not... it was real...

and it starting to feel like a more atas hui ee attempt... because no matter what the few interested parties tried to give... the one which mattered... was the one who gave NOTHING... but stood there... looked the part and played his little instrument...

talk about trying your best... save it... must have forgotten the golden rule that if you had to try THAT had... you would probably fail in the end anyways... it's just like that...



looking for the cd this morning... found it... and opened it up... and then common sense came to me...

was i seriously delusional...? did i think it could happen...?

how come common sense didn't stop me in the first place... and now it was trying to make sense of my actions... making a fool out of me...?

21 years of prayers and counting...


sorry for sprouting all that nonsense in the other post... but if it's the last thing i hope...

the one better NOT be that faggot...


thus another sleepless night for me...

long time since i've posted up match highlights... probably because they have sucked the last few matches... lol... seems we're getting back on track... and aston villa isn't a bad team at all... good win i would say...

looks like it was worth getting the jerseys for myself and eileen already...!!

2 goals by oba martins settled the match.... great to see him somersaulting again... something i tried to do on sunday... haa...

1st goal


2nd goal

i think if it's one lesson i've taken back with me from the experience so far... my boss taught me that... because even as i worked hard... i truly did put in my best effort... i never really thought of it that way...

sometimes try as we may... some things are just beyond our reach... and i had to trouble my boss to get the chef... and to go down to the bank to help stop them from closing...

i smsed him a "thank you, sir..."

he replied, "we're all just trying to do our best, aren't we?"...

it's so true...


but seriously... i'm just doing my best... probably because that's all i can offer you right now... the flaws... and handicaps i have... as much as i hate it... it's plain for all to see... and my best isn't going to be enough...

i hate having things beyond my control... it isn't fair...

you definitely deserve far better than that... far far better...

i'm scared... i'm really scared... but i'm not going to believe for one second that i'm going to have to live my life this way forever... the much needed healing will come... sooner or later...

i just want to be good enough for you.... that is all i pray.... but for now i can only give my best...

you could almost hear the 2 gunshots hitting me... it has to hurt... and it does bad...

'cos my every reason was sucked away... it was all or nothing...

well... we all knew it was this way... but yet one can never know exactly what to do when it actually happens...

always the substitute isn't it...?

just being busy just doesn't really make a good excuse anymore...

your answer or lack thereof to my question said everything...

i tried desperately to wake up from it... TRIED being the operative word...

maybe the view from the window isn't too bad after all...

聽你開心說著你的事情　　我有一種莫名心跳反應

夜深人靜時候突然想到你　沒有原因　沒有邏輯　誰能說明


Pre Chorus:
總以為　我們是　地球的南北兩極

直到分開旅行　我才明白　有好多的話想說給你聽


Chorus:
是我笨的可以　我們早就相遇

我說服我自己　這一切只是友情

是你讓我相信　兩顆心沒有距離

我才發現　原來我愛著你



總是愛捉弄我尋我開心　　從來沒有想過會喜歡你

也許愛情就是沒什麼道理　緣分來臨　措手不及　誰看得清


(Pre chorus and chorus)


End:
是我笨的可以　沒看穿你的心

還以為這只是　愛情無聊的惡作劇

是我笨的可以　我終於面對自己勇敢證明

我是真的愛你　我是真的愛你

talked about memories a little more... inane chatter... and intial lunch plans were attempted... but scuppered due to exams...

yea i know...

some what sad... but it's scheduled in May instead... how far true... but thanks for the effort anyways...

a little hard to sleep after that...

really happy with the way the youtube embed turned out on the "now playing" portion... no need imeem anymore... more so because it's a nice song... definitely so because amber looks really nice in the vid... the hair... eyes... smile... good la...

the my cup of teh-oh-peng look... lol...

people usually don't talk to me unless they need something... and so it was that way... finally after close to what 4 years of no contact... the chat box opened up...

"can help do survey..?"

at least there was an attempt to make small talk... there was an apology for not keeping in contact...

thanks si hui...

the last time alicia tried to get me to do the same thing... i laughed at the attempt... there was not even a "how are you...?" ... was hugely tempted not to even reply...

but i still did it... the memories got the better of me...

--------------------------------------------------------

every now and then... you get people reminding you that you will never get the basic things in life....

hate it... the harsh reality check... and it really really hurts.... all you can do is cry... and then pray it'll be over soon... rinse and repeat...

help me keep whatever faith is left to believe....

but it's true... because it's the one flaw in my pathetic life that i had no control over...

---------------------------------------------------------

sometimes i still wonder what goes through your head... because of the things you like...

and its source....

knowingly or unknowingly... i don't know how you do it...

but you take it all away...

all the burdens... tiredness... stress... and pains... i suddenly forget about who i am...

and everything seems so peaceful...

i hope it lasts....

------------------------

what was said is true... we don't need them coming back to tell us how we've failed...

we already know...

that's why i hate to talk...

-----------------------

honestly... has any one stopped to think... much less ask... what i feel...?

the last person to do so... was back in primary school...

but seriously... i still don't really know the answer...

-----------------------

i stayed back till 7 plus without being asked... helped them make sense of the incomprehensible...

taught them what meant what...

but they never treated me as a friend... only as a source of information where someone else would ask me... and they would get it from him...

-----------------------

and for those brief moments i left them all behind...

where are you...?

make them all go away....

i had planned to write something here... but after much deliberation... i decided to take it out... it would have caused some stepping of toes... and i haven't come to that point where i need to do so yet...

anyways... a wake up call was deperately needed... so good for you....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the reason why i wake up each morning...

the reason why i do the parade state each morning... go to the post office... and do RO even though it's not my duty week... albeit sulking all the way...

the reason why i work so hard... chasing AORs... cheques... wanting everything to be in order...

the reason why i enjoy seeing their smiles when we joke...

the reason why i get stressed over claims and remittance....

the reason i let myself get "bullied" so simply by others without any retort....

the reason i tolerate his nonsense....

the reason why i can't wait for each day to end... so i can get to my laptop

the reason why i look forward to the whole damn cycle each day again....

the reason why i'm in freakin taiwan in the first place...

and the reason why i do all the things i do....


sometimes when you find something that is important to you... worthwhile fighting for to hold to... and something that never fails to give you the encouragement you need to carry on when you are down... it drives you on... and gives you all the reason you need...

i know what's mine... and i'm going to protect it... 'cos i don't wanna lose my last remaining reason...

move over YUI (sorry dear...!) move over By2.... btw... if you haven't realised... here's an update... amber guo cai jie is the newest craze in camp...

actually i think the song could have done with a drum solo on the chorus... sorry but i'm still old school...

lol...

and so just the other day... i opened the chat window... and made a simple comment... granted i don't talk very much to the recipient in question... but what i said was being immediately assumed as asking about well... lets just say some one in common...

problem is... we have never ever discussed anything before... nothing more than 4 words... and much less this... i hadn't hinted anything in any way prior to the comment/statement... thus the immediate assumtion just got to me... and it even got turned around into a question...

it just got me wondering how so....

maybe the questions get posed so often by others... that it was almost a given that mine would be the same...?


i guess you realise sooner or later that it's not about showing how good or what you are... what you can do... what you can offer... 'cos in some way you're still casting the attention on yourself...

but rather to focus on what the object means to you... and that's what you should be really trying to show...

everything comes naturally after that... and it's all the more sincere...


but i'm probably just living in this bubble that i created myself... and it's just waiting to burst... and i really haven't thought of what to do when that happens....

it's the whole realising it's everything... yet knowing it's going to be nothing thing...

had to go do air ops to pick up more training troops again... was supposed to wake up at 3am... ended up jolting myself awake at 3.15...

no time to wake myself up with a proper bathe... heck it...

good thing the tie was still in the bag... grabbed it... and lumbered out the door... got up the minibus... sent out the sms... still wondering whether it would reach... i fell alseep.... nothing much then on the journey... 'cept for a huge bump... when i shouted "wtf..." which later they made fun of...

the day was just begining....

so i stood at my usual place... occasionally mutterng "customs, exit... turn left..."

i had already seen dinosaur... geraj... and melvin walk past me yesterday...

just then... some one walked back... and caused a minor jam... and then i saw him... that lucky sob... he who got what i so wished for myself... well that was then....

anyways... it's not so much his fault... but it brought back the memories to which i draw parallels from as to what is happening now... to hell with deja vu...

thanks to the major exams... it was over for them... and so i sensed blood... met up a few times then on the pretext of passing "the sims" games over... i refused to raise any hope or emotions... neither did i attempt to stir anything more in the friendship... till one fine day i woke up to the nightmare...

lol... it was my fault after all... although deep down i wanted more to happen... i was still content with the status quo... yea... so there was the certainty of disappointment... but then again... this feels worse... any blind bat would know it was a fucked up choice that was made... ('cept their "friends"...) i remembered even chong wei at that time was laughing when i whined about it... he too couldn't believe it....

game over la....

but i still don't know whether it's more of the certainty of disappointment... or being content to remain just status quo that holds me back...

somethings just matter too much to you then you'd care to admit... maybe thats the reason why i hold back...

maybe it's the lack of sleep and the new idiotic guy in the office... me = finance clerk... nothing more... nothing less... so get off my back everytime you see me...

maybe these things just do happen after all... no matter what i do....

keeping them all since the first day... till today... i count 57 of them....

sometimes i re-read them... hoping to find some hidden message in between....

sometimes i re-read them... and then i fall asleep....

it's what i wake up to each day... it's what keeps me going...

Do you know that i'm okay?
Are there things you wanna say?
Thinking of you night and day
Hoping you'll come back and stay
I remember when you told me i'll be alright.
Dont worry...

I try and try to understand
Is all this just a sad goodbye?
Thinking of you night and day
No matter if you come and stay
I remember when you told me i'll be alright
Just hold me...

I don't wanna close my eyes tonight
Missing you would make me cry.
Your love will give me strength to carry on.
You'll always be my heart and mind.
So I don't wanna close my eyes tonight
Now you're just a mis-match in time.
Why oh why..?

Dont wanna close my eyes.. tonight...

or rather... why was i chosen for it...

i know it's like... again...? but please bear with me as i pen out my thoughts... it really helps me alot... at least i feel as if there's some one to listen...

so i mean... if (scratch that...) .... since it's gonna end this way... confirm... guarantee pluss chop...

why can't i be nice to myself while at it...? or is it more painful...? it depends on what we can do...

either way... i'm sorry if i drag you into it... intentionally of course... but i hope you understand some day...

it's okay if others don't wanna help... they can humiliate for all i care... but as long as i know what i'm doing... heck... isn't there that glimmer of a chance that i might be able to change the end...?

(okay i'm dreaming... but stil...)

so what was up with bringing all of that up... how enticing it was... and then... it was like nothing ever happened...

i look at them... them... them... them... why me...?

heck...

i just wanna enjoy my days.... is that so hard to ask for...? for what reason did i come here...?

it's really harder than a... "forget it..."

maybe the future me would come back and help... show me the way... let me know it's going to be alright...

(okay... too much heroes...)

when...? God...? when...?

i want to know...

ok... i was thinking you know... i vaguely remember hearing of something like that... and i asked myself how it could happen...

i mean... try as i might... i simply couldn't fathom... in my infinite imagination... and trust me and imagination i can assure you... how it could happen...

for it was impossible to be... to me at least... remember the path i talked about previously...? yea... i would never have guessed those paths would ever converge...

that was then... back in school...


and as i went to poly... i saw it happening again... and again i asked how it could happen...

alwyn just said... "can wad... why cannot?"

heh... one of my best friends ever... how much i've learnt from him...



safe to say i have never agreed with the whole idea... i had my beliefs then...



but here i am now... and i'm trying so desperately to make the same thing happen... for myself... ironic isn't it...?

i guess so...

but the double irony of it all... i shouldn't have to be trying so hard...

yea... you read me right... i shouldn't have to be trying so hard...!

for the harder i have to try... the more i know i will fail at it... 'cos thats the truth... it always has been.... and always will be...


it's like cold turkey you know... those times when it's quiet...
and it's always one step forward... five steps back with you...
i really wish it was possible to talk...
'cos i'm wondering if it has any meaning at all...
"i just don't want to be let down any more..."

they told you that you had a path just for you...

you envisioned that path... thought of how great it could be...

and as with any great adventure... they always found people to aid them along the way... with a "prize" some where along there too... and ultimately working towards that destination / goal / insert word that you want to call the "end"....

you saw all of that for yourself too.... and that's what they said... and it was like that for them...

and so it was like that.... you started your journey with gusto and as much determination to finish... you were full of yourself that it was no kick... nothing could deter you...

heck... you even had a taste of the "prize".... but alas... false alarm... but you knew... you were on the right track...

and then it went all down hill from there....

what you found out... that it was all untrue...

so you retraced your steps.... thinking you might have done something wrong along the way to cause this... you realise that there were definetely many wrongs you had commited... but then again... how much different were others... so that couldn't have been the cause... and with all that discouragement... it soon becomes impossible to turn back... and you just proceed with what you have... hoping that you would still be able to rectify things some how... but it's beginng to sink in how impossible it is....

what sucks is that.... it was never your decision.... it was never your call....

and then you give up.... and you ask the question weighing on your mind...

how could someone else's be so perfect.... yet yours so serverely fucked up... is seriously beyond understanding...


but they would never understand... and they wouldn't come back and help... what made it worse... is that they merely looked back and shaked their heads... and some even criticised... but still you know where they were coming from... you could understand why they behaved that way.... you only hoped that they would walk a day in your shoes and understand why things were that way....

discouraged as you are... you plod on... cos you know that all roads lead home... and if you managed to reach the end without falling off... you would be able to give yourself a pat on the back... and know it was a job well done...

and for that to happen.... there would have to be some conversation.... some understanding inbetween... but who is going to speak first...? it's something you would have to settle with Him...

because if this goes on... it wouldn't matter anymore...

and you would hate for that to happen...


surely you know by now... how much you are of help to me.....?

i mean it was all fine and dandy the past few days....

till you guys decided to bring it into play.... again...

abit unfair isn't it...?

anyways... people already got invited in a long long time ago yea...? so i shouldn't be suprised at all... plus this type of thing doesn't just happen any old how... there has to be some sort of "thing" first... but i think it's still a tad underhanded this way...

and it's just that it came back to haunt me at such a wrong time...

too bad families play such an important part... to me at least...

and i draw the line at that...

sorry about the previous post... tried to post up 豆腐's first time on the show... unfortunately it couldn't display... oh well... the recent episode was really nice... had all the nice ones (to me...) 'cept well... 豆腐... otherwise it would be a perfect show.... but i mean... 甜兒.... omg....!! 甜兒 nice de la...

but i mean if u dance with some one else... and you are the better dancer by far.... and your partner sucks... yet all that the judges talk about is your partner... you know that at the end of the day... talent still counts for nothing... just ask 甜兒's partner... abit sad lar.... but she still had to put up that brave front and say she didn't mind the attention being all on 甜兒...

sigh... tell me about it.... kind of a warped image there is in heaven maybe... or maybe it was an honest mistake la... could have done much better though.... too little... too late....


maybe i should learn from jacob and put up more of a fight... he got what he wanted didn't he...?


but... ever wondered why some people love to sleep...? what... lazy..? nah... lol... so maybe you love your life.... others prefer to live a life through their dreams...

sleep is good...

it lets you rest from your tiredness....

and you dream what ever you want to dream... i remember dreaming about all that stuff in school... but how far from reality would it ever be....

i remember one of my posts (i think...) talking about how dreams should actually be inter-connected... you know... people whom you meet in the dream are actually having that same damn dream you are...? yea... a friggin nightmare... i know mine would be... if you know life sucks... but hey... at least if it turns out good... you could talk about the whole day with the other person (or people)... conversational topic if any....

certain truths you've always wanted to know would be revealed... good or bad... you could always console yourself with the fact that it was a dream.... yea welll not anymore... it was sort of real yea....?


what would the point of sleeping in that case... so afraid to dream... oh well... or at least an option to do so la.... this should be a USMS to God... heck... it might even make UWMS...


anyways... the whole objective of the post has been reached... my clothes are done washing... going to sleep now...

for a dream so far away from reality... the further the better...


nitez...

still getting the pics together to post up as eileen suggested... but it's kinda the last thing i would have on hand... anyways it's a little bit of what i was able to experience sight-seeing thus far here.....

so yea...

--------------------------------------------------------------

lol... dreamt a weird one the other night... amazingly si hui was in it... think it had something to with cod4... i can't really remember.... just that she was there... can only remember her briefing something... then it's bang! bang! bang!

heh... my "mother" from primary school... and the one who lent me her lit project... and i messed it up... wahaha... and was also nice enough to bear with me when i was really sick... coughing really badly in class... the other girl couldn't stand it and exchanged places with her.... lol... so much for being a christian then....

well.. those were the times...

-------------------------------------------------

had some time so i clicked around... read abit... here and there... suprising how much you learnt has gone past you just like that...

i mean stop acting like 8 year old kids.... hide this hide that... hiding the obvious... you're freakin 18, 19, 20 years olds already.... go out also can't say properly... send one sms also like it's that blue prints to some secret facility... grow up la....

but seriously... don't say things you don't mean... it's really begining to feel so different that i don't know you anymore...

oh wait... i do...

you're the same with everyone else right....?

should have known...

----------------------------------------------------

and don't get me started on newcastle.... what was that out there against arsenal...? ZERO passing ability in the team... ZERO marking / closing down... ZERO forward runs into better positions.... to the byline to cross... argh!!

and ZERO support all over... owen gets the ball and the center midfield 2 is a mile away.... defending still as shitty as ever... taylor can't defend to save his own life... and whats with all those chicken hands.... 2 hand balls 2 penalties already... pathetic showing....

AND MILNER HAS TO LEAVE....?!!?!

i would rather have keegan sub on barton / ben tozer / ryan donaldson... for jose enrique.... lose liao wad... still sub on that ineffective bassong for what??!?! he sucks!... totally inexistant... was he even on the pitch...?

and PAY THAT AMEOBI TO LEAVE PLS!

needless to say... no highlights this week.... learn how to pass and run as a team first PLEASE!!!

--------------------------------------------

and what better way to end a supposed shallow post than featuring... the ultimate in cuteness that is....

豆腐!!!

豆腐 and 蚊子


豆腐 - 自我催眠



lol... and keep making fun of her eyebrows that always make her look very sad... cute de la...

skip to 3:20 if u want... it's 豆腐 at her best singing 第一天！


lol... i should really do this more often... it is kinda refreshing...

the song's dedicated to all you people in need of some retail therapy... whether it be to destress from studies or work... or to get something for yourself or even a friend... just buy buy buy...!


ahh... the proverbial writing on the wall... it's long been there i know... but i can't help it la...

sometimes you just need that little something to push you on even though you know it's wrong for you... and with the stress levels here... you don't really give a damn about what's correct or wrong anymore... whether it's worth it or not... just to ensure you don't get engulfed by it all...

but it's still nice to know i can rely on it every now and then... though sometimes the lies do irk me... it does after all cost abit... okay... alot...

anyways... i must admit i like the way you play things out... like nothing's ever happened... so it's props to ya... and the last few days of block off were actually quite enjoyable...



oh before i forget...

newcastle vs bolton highlights... muahaha OWEN!!!




but deep down i still wish it wasn't true...

the answer we knew all along...

damn, the day was tough...

i wanted to give my 30 cents...

rushing here and there... getting all stressed up...

i wanted to give my 30 cents...

and duty orderly to top it off...

i wanted to give my 30 cents...



i mean i was really stressed....



but then the phone was empty...

why couldn't you give your 30 cents...? then again... even if i had 30 cents... i don't think i would have given it either... taking the way things are now...



it would take a huge load off me just to see your 30 cents you know...


yes... stress costs only 30 cents...

just when i thought i could catch a breath... the money comes in... and so does the work... bloody thing chose to spoil now...

oh and YUI is being "kiap-ed" by the rope on my "roof"... so get to look at it when i sleep and wake up.... lol...



anyways,


from then...



till now...


nothing.


hullo, am i alright...? thats all i ask...




and the days just fly by like that...

was really busy on wednesday... getting the last files of the recoupment out when my boss called...

boss: jap, remittance got problem...

me: huh...?

boss: girl said got problem with the figure on the cheque...

me: ok, i'll sort it out....


so there i went back to my com to see what could have possibly gone wrong especially when all the figures tallied together.... answer...? NOTHING! of course.... so i had to call the bank in the end to find out what was the problem....

(in chinese)
me: hi, erm... what seems to be the problem...?

girl: oh, cheque written for too high an amount...

me: huh..? can't be...

girl: okay, i'll check mine against yours... lets see... i have 5 zeros in total...

me: hmm... i count 6... there's one on the second page...

girl: OH!!!! i see it now...!!!!


the 2nd page only had 2 entries... 1 was a zero...


i mean come on... i gave u a document... the least you could do is look at the entire thing...! if there's something wrong... look at the entire page... and flip through every page la...! duh... joke was that if there was a note to her on the last page... the poor guy would still be waiting at the coffee shop...

sigh.... wasted 20 mins of my busy life for such stuff.... just because one couldn't flip a page....



and the latest craze to hit camp after YUI (thanks to yours truly...) since i arrived...?

ahh!!!!! it's BY2... woots! :P!! >_< lol... i promise if u didn't know who was singing... you'd have thought it was S.H.E... they're actually not bad leh...



ok, back to your regular unable to understand emo posts....

yea... it's kinda called REST... wad chiu expect...?


actually... just some sensitivity...


can at least ask about stuff rite...? on your own... without prompting...? but guess it's the same as when those bloody wisdom teeth were out...


good thing i'm not back there to actually "experience" it...



question: was alan smith really a converted striker...? no wait... does he actually know how to play in the first place...? it's one of the many life's mysteries...

TYPHOON FUNG WONG... hitting straight on (finally this time after a few brush passes)... we'll see how it goes...

remember me telling you that it's all about the experience...? lol... gonna be for real this time...


i guess it was just meant to be this way... but it isn't worth it you know... there's only so much one can give... that one can tolerate...

it's been physically... mentally... and emtionally exhausting... couldn't He do something about it...?

i don't want to know anymore... 'cos i wasn't even close...

not even...


close.


but i'll pick myself up one day... to ask the question i already have the answer to... just for the sake of closure.... i just can't seem to place where it all started... 'cos the further back it goes... the more it hurts...



a lesson for today: it's dumb to ask some one for a report at 8pm... and expect it done by 5am...

omg... it's not YUI playing....! no it's not the wrong page... and i haven't gone looney... though i want to...

but i just needed a little cheering up...

the finance system hasn't been good to me... first time i saw it i thought it was some poly student's FYP... looks like i'm not too far away from being correct... i would definitely have not made an error like that in the proggie...

damn those people... one and all...

just when you think you've got past it all... some one just throws a "friendly" reminder at you... sadly though... by people who you really like and trust...

oh well... it HAS to be that way right...?

BUT I DON'T NEED IT!!!

what once was a soothing relief... has also now turned into something that keeps me awake at night... it's just confusing at times...

maybe i'm just too lagging behind in the world of friendship... has it evolved that much...?

i miss the times when friendship was as simple as a bottle of qoo at recess...

good friends would congregate at a house and play till the sun went down....

and anything more... would mean phone calls while lying on the floor with ToyBox playing in the background...


lol... those were the days...


but i appreciate the gesture... or whatever you choose to call it... maybe friendship has evolved after all... one thing's for sure though... me being totally different...

and it's kinda funny when here i am trying to restrain myself... but there you go making it harder...


sometimes i just don't know what to believe... 'cos you can't really trust anyone anymore... especially the people whom you really like and trust...

and it's only a matter of when... they start to throw reminders at you...


-----------------

sheesh... typhoon blew past us... but still can't avoid all the rain and wind... and one more is supposedly forming up...

heh... it's all about the experience...

strange awakening dream...

all the thoughts and events i tried to suppress previously suddenly surfaced... i just felt that everything thus far to be honest was really a joke... i really wouldn't believe it to be anything more than a work of fiction... if i didn't see it first hand...

ok... seperately they were mere single events... but well... events enough to set things in stone...

fine... ignore them... but now putting one and one and one and one and one and one together...

actually... forget it... i knew from the start... and as i said... i suppressed them...

i remember how i only asked for a photocopy... lazy to copy la... lit lessons mah... but i was presented with something so personally crafted... power sia... but lol... gues personal craftsmanship is too overated these days... anywhere also can find one... it's the same then... it's the same now...

seriously thought the filmsy excuses were genuine... ah well... as if... knowing the truth makes it so much harder to swallow....


please tell me i detect something brotherly somewhere inside... but NO it's not for me... you know you know...


maybe this tour might just do me some good... 'cos all that's transpired has been really disappointing...

maybe if it were any serious at all... nothing would stand in the way...

heck... i would even be going out my way to make it happen... so what does that say now...? can't be that it's just me ya...?

strange how easily things get brushed off at a drop of rain...

(lol... i couldn't think of anything else that drops more often here....)

wonder if it was just a matter of speech or courtesy... 'cos the flimsy excuses in the end aren't enough to support it... hmm... truth is it doesn't really matter does it...? 'cos it never did previously...

sorry... i'm just questioning the supposed unfairness here...

------

i just don't see why i have to be punished for their mistakes... just because of some lame ANCIENT ruling...? surely there must be a better way...

surely there has to be a better way...

"forever of my dreams... and only in my dreams"

over a month in... sorry for not updating... quite troublesome la... rather impossible to get used to life here... work will always be work... oh well...

experienced a minor tremor the other day... and a typhoon supposedly blew past us... so there's still the level of excitement here...


you know... i used to ask how they could grow up... and then i realised... the answer was always there... being answered every single day... so now i know...


anyways in something non-related... the truth is when i asked the question... i was hoping for the simple answer of "dunno, see how lor"... or something like that... but definitely not sec 4... and so that's how things ended up...

lol... how time flies... although it could do much good to fly faster now...

and now... this... how things sway... i wonder if it even crossed your mind... if you even knew or care...

thought i would try asking today... but the fingers just wouldn't type...

nah...

maybe later... but it doesn't matter right...? it will still be as how the first line goes...

'cos now i know how they grew up...

famous words of kevin keegan...

damn it's hard... pls pray for wisdom and strength... not much time for me to get a grasp of things.... pray that i'll be able to learn fast and handle things well... no cock ups...


thanks to everyone for all their gifts... i really appreciate it... and to nicholas and yan shen... thanks for taking the time to see me off...


but still i wished things could have gone my way... couldn't it just have ended better...? ah well... no use crying over split milk as they say.... point being you couldn't even wait a little while.... so what other chance do i have...? at what price importance...?


k then, talk more when i get more settled down...

sigh... repairing the laptop's gonna cost a bomb... the lcd screen is dead... oh well... connect out for the time being la... then can buy new one when go uni... lol...


it was nice going out with the guys at camp...

saturday with wei qi... ate the wadever manhattan fish thingy... lol... service wasn't that good la... got to ask 3 times for water before they serve... then went to some small space to watch chelsea vs man utd... jamie yeo's accent was a little bit of a turn off... but still quite nice la =p.. pj roberts was quite funny... lol... kept giving away the answers...

and sunday with clement... andrew and yan shen... ate at carls jr... and then talked a bit... then gave me this guardian angel gift thingy that they shared along with gerald... lol... thanks sia... after that went to arcade... saw this "pro" guy playing time crisis 4... die die dun want change to machine gun to fight terror bites.... wonder wads up with him... lost so much life just like that...



hmm... i finally understand how people could continuously harp on about something that was deemed to be so pointless... move on and stop whining i said... well maybe it isn't that easy after all... it's sort of the same situation... though mine being more superficial... wonders if it even existed... but i can only imagine what others were going through then...

so after that long... you start to wonder if healing would ever take place... but you can only continue to trust and have faith... and that seriously sucks...

it's just too bad...

still waiting ya...?

so after not hearing anything or seeing even the slightest anxiety or reaction at all... i think it really says alot about how much i misunderstood everything... and how it was a carefully fabricated sequence of events...

i mean seriously... ask me back then... even in my wildest imaginations... (and i assure you it can get pretty wild)... i would never ever have predicted something like this...

heck... if i could make barney and posse and his (or her?) magic bag come alive... this takes the cake doesn't it...? and don't even get me started on my previous 2 dreams...

nah... i'm joking about barney... but you get my drift...

it's an all new low... only because i got blind sided... but then again you can say i expected it some how.... just fell for a sucker punch...

for the first time... i'm feeling that little bit helpless... and not knowing what i should do next...


Newcastle wins Sunderland 2-0.... Owen scoring a brace... catch the highlights while it lasts...


sorry gone...

that what i thought was my beginning... was actually YOURS...? (case in point: we weren't sharing it...)

that what i thought would help... was actually the very hinderence and reason things coming to this....

not that i'm saying it would have been different... but it did put things in motion....



puts everything in perspective now eh...?

go ahead and mock my naivety in that case...




you guys seriously need to check out ansel's blog...

the navigation is omg!
but the contents are... ZzZZZzzZZZ

felt like primary school all over again... 184 mah... looked quite alike... at that time la... of course not now...

duh...

seriously... i dreamt u died... attended the furneral even... lol... but yar la... maybe it's some kinda representation or something...

it's my way of running away i guess.... okay la... some things you gotta know when to stop... feel quite relaxed now... whatever happens is not my problem any more... but thanks for the memories...

i see things for what they are already... it's all much clearer to me.... and i was deluding myself after all... aiyah... self pwn againz...


falling back into what i was before then...


newcastle drew this week with portsmouth... ok la... no goals... but i'll see if i can post up some highlights...

oh and i bought a psp slim!! woots...!

sometimes i wonder what i put myself through such things for...

going overseas... sucks la...

wisdom teeth extraction... not a pleasant experience at all... and the thought of being in pain at home... while others are out there having fun together...makes it all the more worse...

going home everyday...

you could have said something then to prevent all of this... but definitely not now i know...

how come it's so easy for others....? unfortunately i'm not that simple minded to brush such things off.... i just can't....

am i wasting time...?


the dreams seem all the more futher from reality... it's just not fair...

and the ones who tell you otherwise... really don't know what they are talking about...

sorry... just watch the highlights...

we win again!

1. Pretending also need enery leh.

2. I'm tired.

3. Thats is all i have to say.

4. Thank You.


niffty... very SAF like...



enough is enough... and i guess it's time i saw the limits for what they were... it's not a matter of whether things can be fixed or not... it's whether they deserve to be fixed... but in this case... it can't be fixed anyways...

certain actions can be explained away... but there's only so many straws that one can allow to be broken before one snaps... lol... nice trump card...

i'm not going to try anymore... the die is/was/has been cast... take your pick...

a change of scenery might just do me some good...


lol... what's wrong with all of you...? excuse me for tonight... sheesh... and i was just thinking a while ago that obliviousity was the way to go...

you wrote 7 words... well... i counted around 70... sadly not something i was looking forward to...

lol... the last post gave me an excuse to play YUI's happy birthday to you you....

anyways... guess almost everyone would have known about my posting by now... wisdom tooth extraction on the 8th... still wondering about the ippt part though... lol... can't pass...

yea well... it's all too late to back out now isn't it...? i really did hope you would say something then...

maybe because it's kinda confirmed... i dunno... but i'll rather remain oblivious to everything... the delusional stage is over...

so much for my happy ending isn't it...?


lol... which brings me to the next song on my list to play...



newcastle won again last sunday...! sorry it took me so long to post the goals up... hard to find sia... winning 4-1 at white hart lane... it doesn't get much better than that.... and when even butt.. a defensive mid... comes up to score... you know that king kev is in charge...

got really wet getting rations in the rain... but overall the second duty clerk went well... although the captain tried to be a little bit funny... and made things diffcult for me... but all in good fun la... couldn't sleep well with people keep walking in and out...

and as if it wasn't already bad enough... i get down to office the next morning... and immediately receive a nice scolding... well... all i'll say is that there's a difference between not knowing what to do... and not being told to do... it was definitely the latter... but i've learnt my lesson... i'll just cover carchng everything la rite...? as i did for the email today... lol... cc ... cc... cc... cc...

won't be able to visit clement(NS) again tmr... lol... it's my turn to have someting on...


i still can't accept the fact... don't think i ever will... it's just to warped a concept for me to grasp... and i'll be damned if i every subscribe to it...

but me just don't know how to start that conversation i wish so much to... argh...


anyways...

happy birthday to clement(mr ho.)... faster come khatib camp...!!

eileen... can drink beer legally loh (o_O did you do it illegally..??)... heineken seh...

and YUI of course... <3

first and last... opposites... but ironically it means so much when put together... 'cos the soup's gone so cold...

so cold...

the example of the "yui" restaurant that my father used to bring me to once upon a time... and that special soup dish... it still lingers...

remembering the first taste... so perfect... so pure... but sadly... it had to go...

the first attempt at finding it back... mentally draining...

the second.... mentally and physically draining...

the third... mentally...physically... and spiritually draining...


how come it's so hard to find that taste back again...? i guess the soups just didn't agree with me... damn soups...


lol yeah... i must be crazy to use food as an example... but it's better than thinking i'm some expert... and that the people around would not understand... oh ya... but you'll never understand...

because only 1 could see past it all thus far...



YUI's birthday on wednesday... and i'm stuck in camp doing duty clerk...

Sigh...!

wall of text coming up....

been using the longer way back home the last few days... i dunno... maybe i enjoy the walk... seeing some different scenery or just getting to know my area better... but it gives me time to think about things... about the stress... and about what my next steps should be... it's about finding the answers that i need... and giving myself the peace that comes from figuring whatever needs to be figured out...


maybe it's the experiences i've been through... little things like the games i play... like the MMOs... i don't usually have friends to play along with... so i usually just gain my levels alone.... well... very slowly of course... and once i reach 30... i'm more or less bored already... not like when you have friends to party with... and where you can more or less jump levels... it's the same way with programming... you've got to know clearly each step to take before you can start... just concentrating on the beginning and some where after that won't get you anywhere... i guess all i want to say is that i only know how to take things step by step... really slowly... ah well... it's just to console myself la...



i thought it was pretty hillarious... some one apparently knows all that is to know... oh yeah... i forgot... and i'll NEVER understand... anyways i don't blame anyone la... but all i can say is blessed are the ignorant... pitiful example though i must say....



i hate who i am now... and what i've fallen into... there was hope at the end of the tunnel... but maybe not anymore... it could be that i've been looking at it wrongly... it wasn't getting closer with each time... but more hurtful and disappointing...yeah i think thats it...

thanks for spoiling the day further i suppose... AGAIN... you just had to do it didn't you... no glimmer of recognition... same here la... lol.... fair... but settle your stuff else where pls.... maybe thats what they call FALLOUT... also a novel by james w. huston... quite nice... just finish reading it...


newcastle finally won btw... enjoy the goals...

maybe the novelty is wearing off... blogging seems a little troublesome... it's becoming some what of a drag...

anyways... the last few dreams i had were weird if anything... and for the lack of a better word... lets just say it was random... and for the lack of a better emphasis... it was...

R-A-N-D-O-M

imagine having 10 different scenes in a dream... and apparently i had nothing to do in them... macham 3rd person view... makes me wonder what kind of latent stuff i have in my mind... heck i might even have the answer to newcastle's perennial problems of under achievement hidden some where up there...

erm no... i'd have a better chance at finding the cure for cancer or aids... sigh...

kinda like the old joke... retold in many different versions... well this one had kevin keegan walking... he found a lamp... picked it up... rubbed it... and out popped a genie... genie say can ask for 1 wish... keegan say world peace... genie say thats so gay... keegan say for newcastle to win premiership... genie goes... erm... would you settle for peace in the middle east instead...?

damn that hurts...



i'm seriously beginning to dislike weekends... and it's because of all that was lost... i guess when you're on a roll... you're on a roll... and you damn well try your best to milk everything out of it... but be careful that you just might lose it all in a hand...

as for me... things can only get better can they...? well... that remains to be seen... they certainly can't get any worse... or can they...?


have a laugh anyways...

no.1: always go to the toilet when you have the chance

no.2: work always comes in a pile... together... at the same time... or just after one another...

no.3: DON'T TAKE WHAT ISN'T YOURS!!!!


i was afraid to make things another A&E case... i looked down... and things didn't seem as bad as i thought... but better to play it safe... so i tip-toed ever so gently... but i ain't no gymnast or ballerina... oh well... the rest is history...

but it's thanks to you isn't it...? chew on it... (no pun intended)

no.4: if it looks too good to be true... IT IS...

all the pretence is just laughable... and they say malaysian actors can't act... well... they obviously haven't seen you guys....

okay... i survived my first duty clerk... nothing major happened... thank God... the captain looked really fierce... but he was nice la... slack in fact... slept better than me... lol... i woke up each time some one came in to take keys...

freakin tired after the whole thing... i still had to dig through the piles of papers to find the missing documents... still suffering the after effects....


you know... sometimes it's hard to believe someone who praises himself... it's like that lao wang saying... about him selling melons... so really... no mistakes...? i mean come on... that this was all planned from the start...? must be some kind of warped psychology isn't it...? doesn't take much sense to know the results of such a decision... and i get reminded of it every single damn day...

some art pieces just don't get appreciated...

my conclusion...? just for plain amusement... i'm sure i don't deserve all this at all...


there was a time when the weekends were a time of refuge... away from... everything... well... how times have changed... how they have changed... and you're trying to tell me that it isn't a mistake...? a little bit not convincing you know...


then i've always trusted you... i found it easy to talk... but circumstances have changed... the less i say might be better... though sometimes there's really just no one else...

it is my wish that... well i don't know...

how come everything just went topsy-turvy in just a fortnight...? and still it isn't a mistake.... that it was all planned... if it were story... we would all go "LOL noobified kena pwn joo!!!" by now...

i seriously beg to differ...

you know... after all thats been said... i realised i still do care... well sort of la... dream mah...

i dunno... but i genuinely felt scared and anxious when i saw you get hurt...

lol... and he had to come and tell me that i was over doing it...

maybe i need more time... but it's only probably because that it's the one decision you've made that i disagree with... and all the more because you guys can't keep things down and private... 'cos the whole world doesn't really need to know... and they seriously much less care to know...

realisation... sucks when it hits you...



mdm diana and clement both away... so i KING of registry!!! oh yay!!...

erm... but wait a minute... both away for quite some time... so their work how...? i do all...???

oh crap... i was seriously stressed out today... erm... technically yesterday la...

and thanks to all who listened to my ranting... i needed it...

realisation... sucks when it hits you...


actually... sucks when most things hit you what...


duty clerk today... really hope it goes well... pray ya...?

you know... some things are really hard to forget... but maybe they are better left that way... 'cos it sorta acts as a reminder for us not to make the same mistakes again...

after all... the harder we try to erase it... the bigger the hole becomes...

why do you pick me up... but to throw me down again...? to hurt me even more...

i guess it's easier once you have it all... as far as you are concerned... everything you wanted was answered...

yea... it all...

"it all"...

and i'm always stuck with the sneek previews....

anyways i'll learn the hard way if i have to... for you... it's sooner or later... regrets galore...

why do i have to be punished for their mistakes then...? poor generations walking round the wilderness for nothing.... it's nonsense if may i say...

i need a new laptop asap... my screen's flickering... and even just blacked-out on me already... but i should be trying to get it fixed... anyhow... please pray for my screen... it still works properly 1/6 tries....

i'll need a desktop too... but that is secondary... i've missed out on too many games already... my pc is like pentium 3 and running on win98... and the last game i managed to vaguely run on my laptop was hitman 3... never mind the screen problem now... sigh...

guess i'll be online less... i don't do much online anyways...


can't bear to watch newcastle anymore...


remember to pray for my laptop screen k..?

i know the amazing lengths we would go... but something like that coming from you...? man... that sucks...
you really sure that's what you want...?


one moment he was doing his best to "help"... (which i throughly appreciated... even though i said nothing)... and the next... erm... hello? hello? RESPOND PLS!!!


so... what's my reason now...?

something to let me know i'm doing the right thing... and to encourage it... to make it worthwhile...

okay lar... i might have shot myself in the foot somewhere along the way...


forget it... let's just say... i was shocked... and a little worried for you...

anyways... i really hope i don't have to come back here and say... "i told you so..."



btw... i would remind you to look out for the longkang or the lampost in front of you... lest you hurt yourself while daydreaming or visualising... seeing as how you are on lofty heights... and talking out of your ass... blowing nothing but hot air....

you talk about stuff you have no knowledge or comprehension of... bleah... your ideas got outdated last century... no need to "see" already... know what you should be doing in that instant... and get on it...

need to think of the pass... "see" the pass... ball get stolen liao la... worse still... "see" liao... still cannot pass properly...

nowadays it's split-second decisions and telepathy... already knowing how it should go...

WAKE UP PLS... NEWCASTLE!!

think i've kinda got it down as to the real reason... i understand why... it's not that i can't let go... i know i already have... but it sort of like... i can't accept it... well... there's a difference...

i can't... and won't accept that it went down like that... i'm utterly speechless about the outcome... i think that says enough what i think of it... but the process... well that... i have a bone to pick with...

it's like playing winning eleven with the cuz... i lose only because of 2 factors... one being luck... two being game mechanics... lol... or so i choose to believe... but i seriously think it applies here too...

because as far as i'm concerned... what i've seen is total fakeness... and nothing an exaggerated act... but apparently some people are still oblivious to such things... or maybe they just choose to... i don't know...

i just get a little irked everytime i see it... especially when the attempted vocab comes into play... not that my england beri gud... but if chiu ish dunno how to use... dun try to be a sexpert and anihow use can...? ish irritating de lor...



bleah...

why newcastle won't put enrique at left back...?

why newcastle continue to employ smith anywhere near the stadium... much less the freakin field... (apparently the new jinx... successor to luque)...?

why emre continues to be left out... when KK has already said we need creative options... and he is the ONLY option...?

why viduka is no where to be seen... also the viduka we have can't hold the ball up for nuts...? (to think i had gone to the sg vs aus match to scout and send the report back...)

why any defender that comes to newcastle immediately flops...?



sorry... i'm kinda just still reeling from hearing an indian... or at least i think it is... sing YUI's song... (offically no. 473291843 on my list of things i want to forget)

guess that was the order of the day wasn't it....?

singing...shouting... basically... gloating...

importantly... you did have the friend support i suppose... can't deny that... it's as the spice girls used to say...

well what can i say... just go ahead and rub it in...




newcastle... come on....!

oh and here's something else... rolling star remixed...

okkayyy lar... i quite like trance stuff... just that always kena headache afterwards... lol... but anyways it's YUI!! <3 <3 <3

it gets a 6/10 from me...

your thoughts...?

suffice to say... the inspiration is gone...
and so is the innocence...

or did i lack it in the first place...?

(seriously... if anyone knows what i'm talking about... please explain it back to me...)

point blank... do i want to go overseas...? OF COURSE NOT... but certainly things aren't that easy... are they...?

i don't know how to lie... i can't go up to the doctor and say i'll have anxiety attacks or something...

but i'm kinda happy that some at hqsa have asked me not to go... it's nice to feel needed... albeit for "selfish" reasons la... lol... clement 'cos he's going for his op... nicholas 'cos i can help with his work... and kelvin... so i can buy breakfast for him.... wahaa...

but other than that... i don't really know... maybe they are already expecting me to go... made plans already... and i'd hate to disappoint... or scupper their plans... and to a certain extent... i get the feeling that they'd prefer my absence...

does it really matter what i want...? doctor never ask lor... if he ask... i will say don't want mah...!

not that soon anyways... march dental... can anyone say jasmine jie jie...??? then april... then may... well... thereabouts...

nothing's set yet... but it's planned... more than enough time to develop some panic / anxeity attacks...

what say you..?

you who was the reason all this came about in the first place...

"advice" i gave a long time ago came back to haunt me... of course hindsight is a beautiful thing... and it wasn't worth it at all...

i realised i couldn't lie to save my own life... much less impress...


used to wonder why people kept rambling on the same subject time after time... even when it was plainly clear to see that no matter how much was said... things still wouldn't change...

then they say they want to forget it happened and move on.... yea the irony...

don't know about others... but personally i find it helps to constantly get stuff off your chest... whatever bugs you... whatever is dragging you down and keeping you there... just write it down... and you'll find it helps to lighten the load off your mind... allowing to process the next train of thoughts more efficiently... you'll know what you should be doing next... enabling one to sleep much better...

of course the same thoughts keep coming back la... but time heals all wounds doesn't it...? as YUI so aptly sings it... it's all right...

everything will be right... soon or later...



i had wanted to leave to just to see if things could be different for once... an ending that i'd love just for once... but now... i still want to leave... just to get away from it all... i need my distance to forget...



thanks to reu for being the first to use moi chatbox... lol... continue to sappork lah... others rip lai also... comes comes... lol

wasn't very happy with my last post... how and what i wrote didn't really echo my feelings at that moment back to myself when i re-read it later...

promise i'll do better the next time...

i suppose we all make our choices at some point... (blinded?)
and now even you are getting into it...
but as long as it rocks your boat yea...?

i just wish it was some novelty...


it's been relatively long since i wrote something... had some stuff kept up i thought i'd share... but i guess it doesn't really matter now... basically i don't know who is who anymore...

i tried to take it slow... but i guess we all know how that turned out...

and i hate it...



edmw finally had a proper chiobu for once.... lol... u know... long hair... and really nice big... erm... EYES!!... and not fat fat hor... but baby chubby fat... omg!! is nice de lor... you got to see her for yourself la... lol... at least it's something to make a long slow day better la... but but... still YUI teh best k....!

it's about close to 2 months already at hq sa... more or less settled in quite nicely ... i know where to go and what to do when i'm bored to pass time... instead of watching glue dry in the past... but all good things have to come to an end...

the ffi finally caught up with me today... was told to go by today la... so i passed it... no big surprises there... can pack bag get ready to go i guess... it's times like this i really wish you were still here... well you are... sort of... but... you know what i mean la...




just abit of randomness... changed my wallpaper from haruhi to the new YUI winter cd sleeve... wahh... can stare at it all day also won't get tired.... :P now i just wish younha would release some stuff too...

pff... a little uptight are we...?

such a simple thing... yet... yet... it was as if it only belonged to you alone... personally... i thought you tried a little too hard...

but what i saw was strange in a way i can't describe... i couldn't really tell from the eyes...


newcastle utd... the "entertainers"... you score 3... we'll score 4... and just for the fun of it... thunderbolts from 20-30 meters out... intricate passing and shearer to finish with aplomb... the all out attack... the shots on goal far more than the opponents'... neutral fans and even opposing fans would stand amazed at our style and class...

but how did it go so wrong...?

owen scores in the 4th min... YAY!... half time... 1-0... by full time... 1-4... a total of 5 shots on goal to aston villa's 14... don't even get me started on the shots on target...

can you say DISAPPOINTED...?



"yui" restaurant... well i guess expectations were high... too bad it had to be named after dear YUI... uncle's shawn's idea... anyways... so lets see...

small restaurant.... simple but nice decor... but what in the world is michael buble and john mayor doing on the big screen and singing through the speakers...?? where's YUI...? where's a simple jap song.....? heck i'd take ayumi or even perfect 10 anyday....

the all important aspect... erm... i'll be straight... the food sucked... dry... salty... eh... katsu curry from a packet of seasoning... 'nuf said...

at least the service was good... friendly staff... constantly on the ball to top up tea and clear plates.... but still...

hmm... green tea cheese cake anyone...?

that's the last of "yui" restaurant for us i guess....

was my treat la... damage...? 60 bucks... less than what i expected to pay though...

can you say DISAPPOINTED...?



haiz... nmnhnlm...

can you say... DISAPPOINTED...?



edit: wah lau.... i was joking about the nmnhnlm part la... zzzz

hmmm... the namidairo music video wasn't that nice... i could have done a better job la... still had the basic elements though... YUI sitting down looking a little sad... later had her walking through the streets abit lost... and then a bit of water to give the impression of rain... 6.5/10 la... only because it's YUI... <3 !!




oh and YUI's other song on her new single... i wanna be... okay la... should be quite addictive once it grows on you... starting abit like cloudy sia...

anyways not too bad a single i guess... one song to feel emo... another song to encourage oneself...

it can only be YUI!!