So here we are, all four of us squeezed into a tiny apartment in the carriage house of YWAM's base in the poorest neighborhood in Harrisburg. We have two bedrooms connected by a tiny bathroom. We have a mini fridge and microwave and my Keurig machine which has come with us from North Carolina, to my parents' in Ohio, and finally made it here with us. We eat most of our meals with the rest of the YWAM students at the church where we have our training, but in the mornings we take the kids down to the main house and use the kitchen to make some eggs or oatmeal before we head to the church for classes. We have a small closet for both mine and Andy's clothes. The girls' room has a bunk bead and a dresser and a little extra space for Elyse's pack and play. I have their extra dresses hanging on a suspension rod in the space between our rooms. We have plastic tubs scattered around the apartment to double as storage and end tables. The rest of the free space is taken up by books, boxes of cereal, guitars, and kids' toys. The rest of our belongings are in storage at either one of our family's homes or in the attic in our house in North Carolina, which is currently being rented out. We have moved here, although we have no idea what comes next, and no idea where we will be living after this DTS ends in March. We are living completely on fundraising, when money was already tight. We are in a complete season of transition. We are traveling constantly and learning to be ready for change by the day. (In the twelve weeks of lecture phase alone, we are traveling in the Northeast for several of those weeks, and then international outreach to Nepal comes in December for the next two months). We are the only family in our DTS class of 18 twenty-something year olds.
God has filled us with so much peace about this season that it can only be explained by His call. A few months ago I was completely fearful of making this sort of change. I knew we needed change, but I was fighting it being back into missions. But now, inexplicably, I am fully embracing it and trying to soak in every moment. The Lord is so faithful. I'm a home body, yet I don't even care that we are totally cramped and not at home. I just know we are supposed to be here.
We have a family blog where we are documenting our journey. But I've been feeling that I need to continue this space so I can share my experience as a mom on this journey. Seeing as home and my marriage and my kids are some of the most important things to me in life, changing it all has been a huge challenge. But I just want to tell everyone, especially every mother, how extremely faithful God has been.
When Andy and I were considering reentering missions by joining YWAM, although I wanted it, I was also filled with a lot of fear. He finally led me to a place of saying Yes, and right after that, He spoke to us very clearly that YWAM Harrisburg was our next step, and much sooner than we had expected. In fact, from the time we said yes it was to be about 2 months until we moved here. It was too fast to think through it too much. We just had to flow with it.
I was fearful about how the girls would be affected most of all. My heart broke every time Norah said she was sad to leave her house and her friends. My heart broke watching her say goodbye to her friends. As we packed up our house, my heart felt heavy as I relived all the memories of the past two years there with my girls. Spiritually and emotionally, our time in North Carolina was very difficult for us. But my home carried very sweet memories of our family. Elyse was born there. Norah and I spent hours reading, doing crafts, cooking, going on nature walks in our neighborhood, playing with our sweet neighbor friends or cousins. I had spent hours cooking in that kitchen, Andy and I had spent hours talking or just hanging out together. So my mother heart felt anxious in the goodbyes.
Coming here, it hurt my heart to see the difficulties for my babies that came with transition. I had obviously experienced that in a more pronounced way when we moved to South Africa with Norah as an eight month old. But now we had two children, and Norah was old enough to be having her own emotional journey with moving. I was ten before I ever had to move, and it was emotional enough then. So it hurt me to think of her dealing with those emotions at her age. And to know that we don't know if this is our last move; in fact it could be the beginning of many moves to come. We are committing to missions. So we truly have no idea where in the world our God is leading us. I had to come to terms with this as a mother.
The cost is SO different when I'm not just weighing it for myself, but for my babies. Will they turn out ok, or will they hurt over all the changes they are experiencing, and over all they are sacrificing? I have asked myself this many times.
The hardest part for me is that during the seven or so weeks of classes that we are here in Harrisburg, I have to be in class and away from the girls. For me as a stay at home mom, that is the most heart breaking. It's only the third day that we had lectures in the class setting, and though my heart is so full with all we've learned, it also is sad for the three hours each morning that I didn't get to hold Elyse and read with Norah. It hurts me to the core.
But God is so faithful! Mothers - God loves our babies so much! Mothers, He is worthy of our babies! Can I tell you how faithful He's been to us? We arrived here and were told that we were packing up the next week to go camping. In the past this camping trip has been very rustic. I was under the impression we'd be in cabins in the woods without electricity and running water. I was a bit anxious about the kids. But we drove out into the mountains and found ourselves at this gorgeous campground. We were staying in a beautiful, spacious lodge with electricity, plumbing, and a beautiful kitchen. And outside in the yard, was a log playhouse with a baby swing just Elyse's size on its porch, and a play kitchen and a loft inside. There were swings sets in the yard. Even the leaders hadn't known how perfect it would be. My girls absolutely loved it there. And every day and every night, as our group gathered to worship, my children were there experiencing it. Each day we all grow more confident and free in worship. Now if Elyse toddles into the room where people are worshiping she immediately lifts her hands and starts twirling. Now I hear Norah making up worship songs and I see her go off in a corner to write letters to God. While we were at camp, Norah asked God to come live in her heart! My girls have dozens of godly young people who are always playing with them and spending time with them. All the people here are so affirming of the girls. They seek them out to spend time with them, they pray for them, and they constantly speak life over them and over the stories God has for their lives.
And God provided the sweetest lady to take care of my kids while I am in class. Though it breaks my heart being away from them at all, this lady is so wonderful. She is a YWAMer, and a mother of three. She is so soft-hearted and the girls love her. And she comes to the church and watches the girls along with her younger children there, so the girls are right upstairs while we are in class.
I could go on and on about God's provision here. When we arrived here, one of the YWAM staff left a card for me (they did this for each student, and even for our girls) with words of encouragement for me. They wrote that as they prayed for me, they sensed that this season was going to be one of God showing me His faithfulness. And that this was going to be a time for my children to grow in their knowledge of Him. Well it's week two and already I am experiencing these things so greatly. I feel strongly that this time is just as much or more about my children as it is about me and Andy.
Whenever I get the chance, I'm going to try to share here what I am experiencing as a mom on this journey. My hope is to be transparent and share the struggles of a mom in this ministry/training/missions setting, but through that to share the accompanying testimonies of God's faithfulness - not only to me, but also to my babies.
