let love guide: 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

finding the joy.

as i sit here, typing by candlelight, trying to prepare for christmas tomorrow. ..i can't help but think about jesus' momma, mary...riding a donkey for hours, that uncomfortable think-you-are-going-pop-any-minute feeling, arriving in bethlehem so late, after a long, long journey. no room to stay. no where at all. the only thing available is a manger. wait, really?? a manger...i can't help but feel like maybe on the outside, it wasn't the ideal situation. i am speculating here but i just can't help but think that maybe mary wasn't thrilled with the situation. having her first baby, not to mention the son of God, in a manger?? it just doesn't sound perfect...you know?

well, here i sit, in uganda with the power out. on christmas. our families are stateside. our friends and community are stateside yet we are here. we hoped and prayed we would be home by now. not ideal. not perfect....or it certainly doesn't seem to be...

although after thinking about it again... even though not ideal, it was God's perfect plan. He did provide a place for mary to give birth. a quiet place {well besides the animals;)} to be alone with her husband and son {and the shepherds..ok..maybe not sooo quiet;)}. a sweet, sweet place for the son of God to be born. i am sure that mary was rejoicing that day she heard her precious son cry for the first time and i bet she couldn't take her eyes off of sweet, baby jesus as he slept. afterall, she was his mother. she did what she had to do...she made the most of it for her family and for her savior. she was fulfilling the plan that God had. i must believe she was bathed in peace, and i am sure she was totally in awe of her precious miracle.

at first glance our situation is not ideal and not {our} perfect but i do believe it is His. for some reason beyond our understanding, we are still here. we are doing what we have to do. trying to make the most of it and trusting that His timing and plan is way better than ours. as andy and i wrap a few presents to put under the tree that owen and i created today {out of branches cut from a larger tree:)}. we spent time decorating the tree with about 8 ornaments and two stands of beads..oh how i love how simple everything is!! i have been constantly reminded that it isn't about us. this season is about jesus and the sweet christmas miracle that He was and still is today. He isour christmas miracle. we have been longing for the wrong thing. we will get home. i know we will. when...we really don't know. what i do know, is that for now, we are in the perfect place. at just the right time. i just want more of Him. more of his love. more of his patience. more of his desires. less of me. even if it means more of uganda...

of course we miss our families. and friends. so much! but we are trying to revel in the blessing of celebrating our first christmas as a family of 5. we are celebrating what God has done in our lives this past year. ALL of our children have grown so much this year. we all have learned to love more and trust even more. our family is loud. so loud. {and sometimes too loud:)} but what a blessing it is to have 3 children comfortable enough with each other that they feel they can express themselves and voice their opinions. i can rock my babies. all 3 of them because we are under one roof. as one family. oh how i longed for this day last christmas and now that it is here...we will not let it pass without giving thanks.

tonight we are praising god for his goodness and mercy and grace. and most of all, we are thanking him for the gift of his precious son. because way back when, he knew what was right and without a doubt, i know the same is true today.

******************

** And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.** {philippians 4:7}

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

31 for 31

have you heard about the imprisoned children of ug.anda?
well, there are many.
and most haven't done a thing worthy of such a sentence.

they are being held at one of many remand homes. we have been to a few of these places and they will break. your. heart. seriously. it is no place for a child. i don't care what they have done {or haven't done..no person should ever live in these conditions}. it seems as though some of these children are street kids and every time the city decides to "clean up" the streets, they take the children to these homes as a way of "dealing" with the "problem". not such a good solution.

many of these precious children have a hope that is indescribable but at the same time, the pain is very visible in their eyes and i can tell the hurt runs deep.

during one of our visits, i met a young girl about 14. she began to tell me why she was there...and my heart sunk. i can tell you she was wrongfully accused. but there is nothing she can do. she doesn't even know how long she is going to spend in this particular home. my stomach turns even as i write the word "home" .. these places. .. they are not "homes" .... when i think of "home", i think of comfort and love and family and a place to be loved as yourself.

these places are not "homes", they are holding facilities.

after being away from my "home" for the past 9 1/2 months, i long for my home this holiday season. like me, i know these children long for a place they can truly call home. i know they long to be loved and adored as Christ intended them to be. but they need our help ... this christmas season, we have an opportunity to make a difference in their lives and to get them ONE step closer to the h o m e they so desire and deserve.

during this past year, we have come to l o v e what sixtyfeet is doing in ug.anda. {they really had us at hello but you know..a good relationship only continues to grow and grow!} we are blown away by the work that is being done in these remand centers and for the sake of these children.

it has been one of sixtyfeet's vision to get the youngest and most vulnerable children out of these homes and into a new home {yes, a REAL home!!!} on land that will be purchased by sixtyfeet. last christmas they raised $30,000 for this project; however, {as we very well know;)} sometimes, God's timing isn't always that of our own. so this money is still in the bank....

THIS christmas, a group of donors got together and they are matching up to $60,000. YES, you read that right. whatever is given by December 31, will be matched UP TO $60,000. can you imagine what can be done with $150,000??? {$30,000 : raised last year + $60,000 : raised this year + $60,000 : matching grant} after all this time, the vision has turned into an entire, sustainable community. boys' and girls' houses for the older kids that can be mentored by young adults, homes for the littlest littles and oh. so. much. more!!!! i get teary thinking about all of these sweet children having a future and realizing they are made for SO much more. they would be loved and adored and cherished. oh my goodness...i just get so excited thinking about all the possibilities!!!

this is a need right now and what a blessing that people are willing to match up to $60,000.
what a great opportunity to give now and have your money doubled.

ok, so here's the deal :: in 10 days, i turn 31.

it is my golden birthday .... 31 on the 31st of december.

it is looking more and more like we won't be home for christmas and we may not even be home by my birthday so to celebrate...{just found out it may be another month...ay iy iy!}

i was thinking, just for fun, you could donate any amount with a 1 and a 3 in it....for my golden birthday;) i can't think of anything i could want more than for these precious children to be in a place where they could be loved. everyday of the year!! a true home.

with the matching grant, $3 becomes $6...$13 becomes $26...$31 is now $62...every amount is doubled. see how fun that is??!! to donate directly to sixtyfeet, go here.

we totally understand not everyone can give {we {really} get this;)} so if you can't give then share...share it on fb, on your blog, twitter... everywhere.

another way to bless sixtyfeet {for free;)} is to go to the Cultivate Wines site and cast a vote for SixtyFeet to win the december grant they're giving away. they are in second place and could very easily win up to $10,000 at the end of the month! i just voted:) you can vote once per day until the end of the year.

let's bless them abundantly and see the lives of these children continue to change.

{this just in :: a friend of mine was so moved by what sixtyfeet is doing, she wanted to join in the fun....so if you need to purchase a last minute gift for any woman in your life {or maybe you just want a pair like i do;)}, these are the earrings she is selling in her shop.. click here to purchase these beauties from my friend, Holly's etsy shop!!! {then just view the "sixty feet benefit" in the left hand column. there are a variety to choose from!}

********ALL profits go directly to sixtyfeet!!! {sorry the pic is so small...not so savvy when it comes to bloggy type things including pictures;)}

Saturday, December 17, 2011

keepin' it real.

yesterday morning, i woke up to this in my inbox::

and i lost it.

absolutely lost it.

i crumpled to the floor and broke down in the kind
of tears that just keep coming...

you know the kind where your
whole body shakes...

the kind that only happen when they have been held in
for way. too. long.

i couldn't pull it together no matter how hard i tried.

so i sat and cried.

and cried some more.

i guess the magnitude of this journey hit me. all the waiting.
all the unknowns.

the expected ruling that didn't come.

{although my husband did remind me that it had only been 1 full day...
yes, it had..but still... ;)}

the holiday season upon us, yet our families
and {most of our} friends are so far away.
so many of our friends are pregnant, adopting
or have new babes that we have never met.
seems like we are missing out on living life with our besties.

the fact that we have had our children for over 9 months
and only my dad has met them.

no other family member has met them.

only a handful of new and very dear friends know us as a family of 5.

we have been living this life in africa for the better part of 2011

and very few people know our whole family.

it is a very bizarre feeling. the people who know us best,

have not met our two youngest children.

it is so weird. such an odd feeling.

when i saw the sweet picture of nya's name on my precious friend,

mandie's hand, i just couldn't keep it together any longer.

she is a new and very dear friend.

she knows us. all 5 of us. together.

i keep getting comments about how well we are handling all of this and how strong we are and so on..

here's the deal folks.

we aren't strong. and sometimes, we don't handle it well

and sometimes, we are all out miserable.

sometimes i throw myself a pity party and wallow in my sadness.

but we all have a choice right??

each and every one of us has a choice
in every situation that we encounter...

how to respond to the situation and how to view the future.

we are {desperately {trying}} to choose to make the best of it.

to make the most of our time here.

and honestly, we have been so blessed because of it.

it makes me sad to think that this whole time,

we could have missed out on so much that was in store for us

if we just closed ourselves in and kept wallowing...

let me tell you...it is a battle..a huge one...

a battle that we have to fight daily.

and sometimes, even hourly.

BUT what kind of parents would we be if we didn't {at least} try
to make the most out of this crazy situation??

we did choose to stay in country.

we did choose not to leave our girl.

and for us...we know it was and is the right decision for our family.

it doesn't make it any easier though.

so ... we fight the battle .. of having a good attitude.

daily.

hourly.

and some days, minute by minute.

for us.

for our littles.

and mostly for God. to glorify Him.

and really, making the best out of any situation
is so much better than the alternative.

and hoping for the good is soooo much better than expecting the bad.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

with thanksgiving in our hearts..

there are so many things i would love to share about today

but until we know more..we can't really share too much..

in the meantime, things didn't really go as planned as the morning started off...seemed like things were fighting against us...we were first on the docket but then out of nowhere a huge case became priority because of the nature of it..as the day went on, we didn't know if we would even be heard today; however, at about 245p the judges entered the room and it was our time!!

will save specific details until we get our ruling;)

for now, know that God's presence was known

and His peace was upon us the entire time.

tonight we are praising God for all of the following::

our littles were unbelievably patience and content all. day. long. seriously, from the time we left at 725a until we got back in the car at 4:05p..they were amazing! the ride home was a little LOUD but they were such troopers. we were just so thankful it was all over;)

2 cases were canceled, moved or something...so we were heard right after lunch..such a blessing as this morning, it seemed there was a possibility we weren't going to be heard. or that it was going to be super late before we were even seen.

our lawyer had the proper words at just the right times. he had courage and respect and heart.

he did a stellar job and we are forever grateful for him.

for our two ameri.can lawyers. for the time and effort they have spent on our behalf. for the clarifying, encouraging and time spent with us even up to the last minute. we are so thankful for them. so, so thankful for how we all "randomly" met about 6-10 weeks ago. LOVE it!!

for our sweet friend, tammy, who gave up her day to come and sit with us to help wrangle our littles. SUCH a blessing. oh my goodness...so, so helpful!!

for m&ms, jelly beans, gummies, fruit snacks, raisins, orange fanta, strawberry mentos and mountain dew. yes, because that is what you do on court days in africa...you bribe your children with all of these good things;) please don't judge...it should be the last court day in a very, very long time!!

{and for the record, i didn't give nya mountain dew...after our hearing was finished, she was wandering around the court room while we were re-capping with our lawyer. the pews and chairs all have high backs so while we couldn't see her, we could see a tipped up, glass bottle of mountain dew..she found our lawyer's drink and was helping herself to a little refreshment. we were dying with laughter...we let her partake and share with her brothers because sometimes the enjoyment is way better than stopping the fun. and really, she deserved it..they all did;)}

we are thankful that we don't have to go back to court again!! when the ruling is completed, our lawyer will get a call to go pick up the written ruling.

and we are especially thankful that the judges said they would rule "quickly"!!!

and a delayed court time meant more time of praying time. i had a sweet time of walking with ny around and in the building praying for the day and all that it included. thank you for praying for us and with us. thank you for sharing our story...His story. He is the great author and He isn't done yet...

even if we didn't get the miracle of a positive ruling today...many, many minor miracles happened.
and we are praying our {positive} ruling is coming very, very soon!!

and we are thankful for every single one of them.

all of them are gifts from above!!

***************

Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows. {james 1:17}

here we go..

it is 6am, i am about to wake the littles as we have to leave in an hour...2.5 hours early so we are sure to make it on time. you never know...this is africa:)

i am anxious, excited, a little nervous but mostly thrilled to see what God has in store today for our sweet family. thank you for praying with us and walking with us. it is an amazing feeling to know that we are being prayed for all over the globe...we can feel the thoughts and prayers..thank you.

gotta go get the littles up BUT...first..no matter what happens today

..to Him be the glory. and honor. and power.

because...our God is greater!!!

Monday, December 12, 2011

round two.

what started out as a 6-10 week trip to Africa to adopt our two precious ones has now turned into a 40 week {and counting} crazy, life-changing journey.
as if the 18 month process before we boarded a plane wasn’t enough…

things have not gone how we expected…funny thing is, it is quite the opposite….it seems like every single thing has gone awry…all the things we have counted on…they have all changed.

the one thing that has been constant {the only thing} is our God. Seriously. it is THE only thing. He has gotten us through the ups and downs of the past 27 months.

and so we begin round 2 .. or so it seems.

you see, we went out of town last week to help at a camp up north. it was amazing. words cannot describe the joy and hope we experienced working with the youth of these northern villages. before we left, we packed up our little cottage that we had been renting for the past 6 months. packed up our little african home in hopes that something big is going to happen THIS month. when we arrived back into town, we came to the very home that we were staying at during our first court date for our girl. even after all these months in africa, it feels as if we are starting the process over. the medicals that we had to complete for our visa interviews have expired. so have the pictures for the passport and visa.

so today, we started over. ..…round two.

we went and got pictures taken, got the medical exams completed. and wednesday we go to court. again.

the stakes are high. our hearts are so ready.

she is our daughter. in our hearts and our minds. with our whole beings, she is our daughter. we have cared for her for the past 9 months as our own.

9 months ago today, she came to live with us. we…all of us….have changed during that time. even her. especially her!

9 months ago. .. she pushed us away. she hit us. she refused to look at me. she thrashed around and had so much anger inside of her. she did not want to be held and she especially didn’t want to cuddle. the sight of food made her so crazy that we had to hide it until it was ready to eat. even after a full meal, she would scream out for more. she would grab and grunt and she never. Ever. full.

all 9 pounds of her {at 10 months} was an angry mess.

now. ..

now, our sweet nya girl has such a joy for life. she is a fighter and a lover and a comforter and a snuggler and a giggler. she LOVES to laugh but she also LOVES to give the stink eye. she is weary of new people but with time, she warms up. she signs all the time and if she doesn’t get her way, she screams. L O U D L Y. and makes this noise similar to a taradactle … well at least, how I imagine one sounds.

when she is going to bed, she wants her milk and something soft and lovable to cuddle. she loves to bury her head into my chest. AND i can’t leave her sight without her saying, “mama!! Mama!!! MAMA!!!!”. she is easily comforted and LOVES her brothers with all her might. she loves giving kisses and looking deep into our eyes.

she is a changed babe. and so are we.

as we embark on round two, we pray for huge things to happen….HUGE things to happen THIS week.

for the courts to recognize our bond and the love between our family.

for the judges to see how she was and how she is now. ..

for a positive ruling to be given on the spot.

for our three littles’ attitudes while we are in court…{last time we were in court, our oldest yelled, “I HAVE to go pee!!! NOW!!!} .. praying that doesn’t happen and that everyone remembers to use their “court voices”.

for the lawyers representing us to be like-minded. for open hearts and ears.

and above else…for His name to be glorified. no matter the outcome.

because this journey…it’s about Him..not us.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

the {short} story.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

it's true.

we have a court date.

WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!!!!!!

december 14th is our day.

we cannot wait. seriously, so excited!!!

we had been waiting 6 months almost to the day.

we filed {unofficially} on june 2 and on december 1,

we were granted a court date with the appellate court. ah. so good.

there are so many things running through my mind but the one thing that i can't shake is thankfulness.

we are oh so thankful for so many things...

...the obvious...

our court date, our sweet children {ugandan and american alike}, time together, safe place to stay, food to eat {not just food to fill our tummies but choices..many, many choices--more on that later!},
the constant provision by so many loved ones AND complete strangers
{thank you for believing...love and community is an amazing thing!}...

...and the not-so-obvious....

spending the last 9 months in africa have been such a blessing!!! hard yes but SUCH a blessing.

learning the culture of this country that will forever be part of our family has been an absolute treasure.

that alone has made this journey worth it. the things we will get to share with our littles about their first country is such a gift. one that we would have never planned but we ARE so thankful for.

the inconveniences of not living in the US.

sometimes a blessing and sometimes the opposite;)

we live a very simply life here and i have a feeling whenever we do make it back home,

we will be changing many things about the way we live and interact.

it has been refreshing to take a step back and realize what truly is important.

where we find our value and what we want our kids to grow up thinking and believing.

the last 9 months have changed us and we are so thankful for the work that God has done in our hearts. we pray that as we look to the future, we would be content with where we are right now. we pray that in the coming days, the things that we say and do would bring more glory to God than ever before.

even if things don't go the way we planned.

we will choose to praise Him.

for today, we are thankful and will continue to be, all the while, praying for our christmas miracle.

HE is able!!!

Friday, November 25, 2011

no limits...

in about 12 hours, $10,073 has been raised for Tammy's sweet family.

Only $4927 to go....tears are flooding my face...first miracle of the season...thank you!

God is good.

can't get this off my mind...

i had something else i wanted to write about tonight but i saw something one of my friend's posted on fb and i can't stop thinking about it....i have about 5 things floating in my head that i want to share but now is not the time....this is way, waaay more important....this may not be the 'right' time..or the most convenient, but sometimes loving and caring and supporting others trumps all else.

what am i talking about..not sometimes.

ALWAYS. it always trumps all else.

ok, so this may sound crazy .... but crazy is good, right?!

tonight friends, i want to introduce you to Tammy.... i do not know tammy...we are strangers {told you it was crazy;)}. i do have many friends that know her and LOVE her!!! AND we are from the same state, so i am convinced by the end of this, we will be 'real-life' friends!!

she and her husband have 4 kids at home and are adopting #5 and #6 from Africa.

here is the deal...her little girl in africa has special needs and is in dyer need of medical attention. the sweet girl's health is failing her and they need to be on a plane within 48 hours BUT they are in need of money for plane tickets, housing, etc. while in country. they need a lot of money. $15,000 to be exact. i know it is a lot but it is totally doable!!! you may be asking yourself....well these are expected costs, right? weren't they planning on this all along?? yes!! but sometimes, things happen at a warp speed and sometimes OUR timing isn't that of the Lord's and there just isn't enough time and well....if they had all the money already, it wouldn't give us all a chance to be involved in this sweet family's story.

we know how hard it is to wait and trust on God....to know His timing is perfect and His plan is perfect but sometimes it doesn't make the journey any easier....especially with two of your littles across the globe...so let's bless this family and give them some serious hope!!!

i know, many can't give but you can pray. and share!!! share their story, post their blog, tell your friends.....and would like to, go here and donate!!! even if it is a 'small' amount....because really, when we are talking adoption and blessing one another, there isn't an amount that is too small.

trust me....we know!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

shop with a purpose.

a dear friend of mine put together a sweet list of gifts that benefit ministries, non-profits or adoptions.

how fun is that?!?!

you get to shop for really unique gifts for those you love and adore

AND the money goes to blessing others..

talk about the perfect gift!!??

i was going to list some of my favorites but i really can't decide...

i LOVE them all!!

go here to start shopping!!

enjoy!

Monday, November 21, 2011

our plan.

we are still waiting for a court date with the appellate court...we have been waiting months for a date but it looks like there may be a {slim} possibility we may be seen in DECEMBER. {yes, YES!!! please keep praying!!} if we are seen in december and a positive ruling is granted the same day, we MAY be able to make it home by christmas!! exciting, right?!?! we are thrilled at the possibility but we are also being realistic which is why we are heading to........

.
.
.
.
.
gulu.

yes, we are heading to gulu.

because we need a change of scenery. a change of pace. and ultimately, a distraction!

our church community has been supporting a ministry called sports outreach for years and my father in law is on the board...he has been over many times serving with them and well...we want to go see what it is all about. we feel that now is the perfect time...there is a team coming in that is going to be holding a camp for the children and doing some trauma counseling so we are tagging along with them...we don't know what we will be doing exactly but we do know that it will be good to get out of the city.

my mr. may be able to do some building...after hanging out with us for the past few months, he is getting antsy to use his hands again. we also met some people that are building in a nearby country and that may be a possibility for him too....we will see what the Lord has in mind!

we are excited about the next few weeks!! we will either be getting great news about a court date and {possibly} coming home OR we will be up country hoping we can be used in some way or another!

...stay tuned...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

waiting with patience.

**How do we wait for God?

We wait with patience.

But patience does not mean passivity.

Waiting patiently is not like waiting for the bus to come, the rain to stop, or the sun to rise.

It is an active waiting in which we live the present moment to the full

in order to find there the signs of the One we are waiting for.

The word patience comes from the Latin verb patior which means "to suffer."

Waiting patiently is suffering through the present moment,

tasting it to the full, and letting the seeds that are sown in the ground

on which we stand grow into strong plants.

Waiting patiently always means paying attention to what is happening right before our eyes

and seeing there the first rays of God's glorious coming.**

{henri nouwen}

leaving.

last night, o-boy and i took my dad to the airport. he had been here for about 2 weeks and it was oh.so.good! it was my dad's first time in africa AND his first time meeting nya and bauer. what a blessing it was to have him live life with us for 12 days.

as we drove away from the airport, i noticed tears were falling down o-boy's cheeks. i asked him if he was sad...it took a few minutes for him to respond but he silently nodded yes. i then asked him if he was sad that "papa" was leaving or if it was because we weren't leaving.....he didn't answer this question and i let it be. i quietly told him that i would love to listen if and when he was ready to talk.

i then realized that i couldn't really answer that question either. i had already shed my tears while i hugged my dad goodbye. secretly, i wondered why at 30 years old, i was still crying when i hugged my dad goodbye. aren't i too old for this i wondered..?

as we continued on our way home, i thought about the question i asked o-boy....was i crying because i was sad to see him go or because i was sad that we weren't going....i think it was a little of both. it was so good to see my dad but so hard to see him go. especially not knowing when the next time i will be able to see him again. we don't know when we will get to go 'home' yet.

during the last month, we had been praying that we would be on that flight with him. we had been praying for some serious miracles to happen so that we could be on that flight. clearly, it isn't what God wants {yet} so we will continue to wait and pray for His will...

to Him be the glory.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

believing this.

**He is before ALL things

and in Him ALL things hold together.**

{colossians 1:17}

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

ugh.

Monday, October 17, 2011

feeling loved.

i woke up today to a message from my dear friend steph {from making room for moore} explaining a fundraiser she is starting.

for our family! how sweet is that?!

she is making beautiful ornaments and selling them on behalf of our family.

she posted the info on her blog yesterday and she already has sold 51 of them!

i told her she might regret all the work she has to do!! :) if you would like to find out more and see what else she is selling on our behalf, you can go here!

steph was once just an "internet friend" however, since we met in africa, she has blessed me abundantly and our friendship will never be the same. more to come in the next few days about what jump started our "real" friendship but for now, know that we bonded over 9 weeks in africa.

and if you have ever been to africa AND lived with anyone new...you know you become fast friends.

it is a little like working at summer camp:

close quarters, the same food over and over again, trying circumstances,

absolute exhaustion and lots of laughter

{sometimes because things are funny and sometimes because it is all you can do so the tears don't fall}.

thank you steph!!

and thanks to the rest of you who continue to walk with us in this crazy, uncertain journey as we try and get home as a family of 5!!!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

**our lives begin to END the day we become silent about the things that matter.**

{martin luther king jr.}

Saturday, September 3, 2011

one year ago..{part 1}

we found a video that led us to our sweet bauer boy's name sake. see below for the story i sent out on september 3, 2010. i have been wanting to share this for so, so long!!

*************************

So you all know that we decided to keep Bauer's name because we felt like it was part of his history. We were sold on this other name but we prayed about it and felt like we didn't want take anything away from him. (we know that this probably won't be the way we feel about every child we adopt but for some reason, we felt really strongly about keeping his name.)We don't know a lot about his history and we never wanted him to question why we changed his name...so we kept it. and we love it!

A few weeks ago, we were in contact with a woman who served in the baby home back in May/June. We asked her where they got the name Bauer....she said that a white woman brought him in and her last name was Bauer...We were thrilled that in fact, this is a huge part of his history. We couldn't have been more sure of our decision. So thankful that we had the discernment...I have been searching high and low for this "white woman with the last name Bauer" -- not exactly the easiest thing to goo.gle:)

Last night I was searching fb for any *Bauer* that I could find. I came up with a few leads but nothing promising. I then decided to try again with google so I entered in *Bauer + Ug*nda* (I have searched for these things about a million times before but never with the symbol...I know, I know...I should have done that first but...I didn't:). This video came up (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LXPHobRk3M ---- he is the one in her lap at around 2:05 and then again at the end shaking his sweet head!) and the minute I saw the date, I knew this was it. I clicked on it and one of the names at the bottom was *Chara (pronounced Kara) Bauer*....I can't even begin to tell how you how I was feeling (it was 330am so Andy was asleep and I was wide awake and couldn't sleep:). My heart started racing as soon as I saw her name and then I heard her say that they started at Mul@go Hospital (where Bauer was for two weeks) on March 20 (he arrived March 24), I knew Chara was the girl I was looking for. I just kept thinking: I am going to see him, I am going to see him!!!

I ran into the bedroom crying and totally scared Andy....needless to say, since then, I have been trying to contact her. She isn't on fb but her two friends are (yes, I have friended them:) and then I called John Hopkins today to get her email. Now we are just waiting to hear back from her!

Just wanted you all to rejoice with us this day as we add another piece to sweet Bauer's puzzle of life!

much love.

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still can't believe we found the sweet woman who cared for our boy while he was in the hospital.

she held his tiny body.

she bathed him. she gave him the medicine he needed.

when he wasn't getting the food he needed to gain his strength back, she took him to the cantina to get more food. when she thought he could use more love and more care, she came in on her days off.

she loved him like her own. she adored him.

she cared for him while we waited. even before he was ours.

she was his angel and we are forever grateful!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

so bitter-sweet.

i sit here and type while my new favorite song is playing in the background...as we are "moving" in two sleeps, my eyes are filled with tears and my heart is consumed with every emotion possible. one minute i am excited and the next, i am fearful. then i am anxious and then thrilled.....the uncertainties are many...there are still a lot of variables. our length of time in africa is unknown. it could be two months or two years.

we just don't know. people ask how we are affording this. well we really aren't. but god knows and has used so many to bless us so far {thank you!}. people ask how we are going to make it emotionally. not sure. but god knows and has provided strength thus far. many wonder what we are going to do with our time. good question. we will fill it with much needed family time {we have been apart for the last 2 months and for 3 months before that, we were living with many other families so time for just the 5 of us was extremely limited}...other than that, we are looking for god's leading. we really don't know anything. EXCEPT that god wants us in a country around the world. we really are taking it step by step. the only way to make it through the days is to put one foot in front of the other.

some people think we are crazy. some people think we are forever wrecking our family. some people have even told us that she will never be our daughter.

fear wells up inside me when i think "will she??" "what if they say no again?" "can she really be sent back to THAT place?"

and then i remember the song. the truths sung. how perfect are these words??

::i will not fear, his promise is true

my god will come through always. always.

trouble surrounds me, chaos abounding

my soul will rest in you.

i will not fear the war. i will not fear the storm.

my help is on the way, my help is on the way.

i lift my eyes up...

my help comes from the lord.

i lift my eyes up..

my help comes from the lord

oh my god, he will not delay.

my refuge and strength always. always.

my foes are many, they rise against me

but i will hold my ground.

i will not fear the war, i will not fear the storm.

my help is on the way, my help is on the way.::

{kristian stanfill}

before we knew god was leading us to adopt her, we saw how neglected she was and we knew we had to get her care, we had to fight for her. no matter if she was ours or not. we had friends offer to take her to the doctor to get her the help she needed and i remember a conversation with my husband and we both decided "even if she isn't ours, she needs care...we need to do whatever we can to help her." well now i hate that we said that because secretly, i think, "lord, were you preparing us for what is to come...is she ours?? forever?" we do believe she is our daughter but ultimately we don't know the outcome of this story. we don't know if she will be ours forever. {we hope and pray she is!} but we really don't know what to expect.

what i do know is that with all of ourselves, we want our littles to love. with abandon.

with everything they have.

at the cost of everything.

we want to show our kids that they are worth it. each and every one of them. because they are made in His image. they are his. and he? well he, is totally and completely worth it. worth. every. part. of this crazy journey.

we love because christ loved. we want those words to mean more for our kids...for it to be a way of life. not just be words on a page or something they hear from time to time.
so for now, for us,
it means that we will leave what is comfortable and move across the globe to fight for our nya girl.
to wait. and to see what god has.

Monday, August 15, 2011

leaving.

{written july 13, 2011}

only fitting i write today..the day i leave africa. so many emotions. so many tears. i said goodbye to my mr. and the babies a couple of hours ago. i think i was so excited about my trip home that i failed to realize i had to leave half of my family here in africa in order to get to my o-boy. doesn't seem like it should be this way. it isn't right.

but on the drive here (airport), i realized something...this is a gift..even in the midst of my heart aching to be together as a family..leaving is a gift. coming back..total gift. you see, i feel like i get a do-over. a replay. i get to start from scratch. when we first boarded the plane on march 7, we thought we would be gone 7 weeks. 10 at the most. it has now been 17 or 18 weeks and i have realized that i wasn't ready to commit to so long in africa. even though i have been waiting all my life to live in africa, i wasn't fully prepared. emotionally or mentally. when people move overseas-most plan for months, many times-even years. and we did plan, but we planned to return home. not so much our reality at this point as we don't yet know when we can exit as a family. i will be the first to say, i need. a. break. a chance to renew my mind and spirit. a chance to gain more patience and finally prepare to move/stay as long as it takes for the courts to grant us legal guardianship of our sweet nya girl.

over the past month and a half, my attitude has changed. my heart has become hard and i have lost sight of why we are here {both on earth and in africa}. i have let my circumstance rule over why i live. i have let it devour my heart. i hate to say it but i have lost hope. it has been hard. so. hard. since my mr. and o-boy left, i have really struggled. struggled to see the purpose, struggled with patience and struggled to love like jesus did. i do not want to live like this...

i want to be content with where god has us...but not just content :: i want to be overjoyed with where god has me. i want to make the most out of everyday. i want to enjoy. every. single. moment.

as we drove to the airport, i was reminded of my love for this country. these people and this culture. driving n this country at night is one of my favorite things in the world. seriously. my favorite! the air, the smells and especially the sights! the city is comes alive at night. despite the lack of street lights, there are people everywhere; walking every which way. all the shops are open. people are lining the streets with goods laid out on tarps, in baskets or in carts. kerosene lamps light the way and the items being sold. men {some holding hands-it is customary for male friends to hold hands:)}and women are walking home after a long day's work. many are carrying teeny, black plastic bags that probably contain the essentials for the evening. there is so much to look at...

sitting at the airport now and loving the chance to see the people get off of the plane. all the feelings that i missed were back. the excitement of coming to africa. the anxiety, expectant hopes..the awaited dream...ah, so thankful i get to witness the bounce that the people have in their step. the expectant smiles of what was to come. the dreams being realized...ahhhh. Love it!

--this is a gift..i get to come back with a clear mind and loaded heart. soon i get to set foot on the red earth again....haven't even left and i miss it already. i know this time will be so good. can't wait to see o-boy and long for us all to be united again...

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thankful that god has been preparing me to return. .. i feel as though a new journey is just beginning and i am feeling like i am finally ready....well almost anyways..trusting god that when i step foot on african ground, my heart and my mind are ready for what is ahead. and for all that god has in store for us!! thank you for continuing to walk with us!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

here.

we'll find a way nya girl, to get you here.

for now, we thank god you are in our arms and long for the day when we will return as a family of 5.

you are totally. worth. it.

Monday, July 11, 2011

wish it wasn't so.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

:: 16 weeks ::

hard to believe it has been 2 months since i last posted. so much has happened ... we are still here ... at one point, the longest we thought we would spend in this country would be 10 weeks. that was our worst case scenario..mhh. things have changed. drastically. now it is looking like we will {most likely} be here through the fall. maybe longer. maybe not..it may be a LOT longer...though we are praying for a miracle.

tonight as i type this, our family is split in two, halfway across the world. i am here with our two babies while my husband and son are at home, stateside. this isn't how we pictured our summer would be...we thought we would be going to the beach, cooking out (been around southerners for too long;), camping and spending LOTS of time with family and friends. well, things are different now and god has other things in store for our family. we are staying in our children's birth country for now with high hopes of returning to the states as a family of 5 in the next few months. this is not easy and it is not what we would choose but we do feel like this is exactly where God wants our family for now..and until He leads otherwise...this is where we will be...

{more to come in the coming days regarding the last two months and what is next....we want to share our story but it will be bits and pieces for awhile due to the nature of our case. thanks for understanding if we are vague at times as we do not want to do anything to jeopardize the future of our family. thank you for walking this crazy journey. fyi::crazy is taking on a whole new meaning..}