This post is way over-due, as my race was almost 3 weeks ago! I have to be honest, that I'm kind of in the "post-race blues" period that happens after lots of training and the finale of the race... kind of like the "after-Christmas blues".
Last February, I asked my dear friend Reyna how she trained to run her first 5k. I was gearing up to try to lose weight...again. I had seen my doctor, desperate for a quick, easy, miracle diet that would take my frustrations and emotional dependence on food and make them disappear. I have a brilliant doctor. He gently told me there was no such thing. He encouraged me to count calories, exercise at least 5 times a week, and to reach out to my Father. Wise man.
So I can't stand workout "videos". And when I say I can't stand them, I mean I want to set them on fire, break them into thousands of pieces and put them in with the nasty diapers. So I had to find something else.
But first I've got to tell you about my recurring dreams. There is usually someone after me or I'm trying to get somewhere really fast. So I try to run, but my legs are too heavy. I can't pick them up to get any speed, I feel glued to the earth. I have this intense sense of frustration that I can't run. In these dreams, I usually wake up upset that even in my dreams I can't run. In reality, I think I'm too fat to run, that it's impossible. And there begins this little "dream" to run.
So I ask my friend how she did it. She told me "Couch to 5k"... greek to me! I didn't even know how far a 5k was! But I knew if it was farther than my backdoor to my van, it might have been to China. So I downloaded the app on my phone, put on my "walking shoes" and took off. Walk 5 minutes, run 30 seconds. Easy enough. A few weeks later, run 5 minutes, walk 30 seconds. Not so bad. I remember when I ran my first mile without walking, I felt like I just ran to the top of some really tall mountain (it didn't matter which one). I felt strong, like maybe I could do this 3.1 mile thing.
I also realized my body has a strong reaction to sugar and white starches. So intense, that after being on a low carb/sugar diet for a few weeks, I ate something really sugary and the next day I was up 3 pounds. On one hand I was ecstatic that I found out how to feed my body to be healthy. On the other hand, I was really hacked because I stinkin' LOVE SUGAR!!!! This was not funny. But when I was being obedient, the weight kept coming off, about a pound a day. I didn't feel deprived or punished. I allowed myself dark chocolate every day to satisfy my sugar craving. So I kept with it. Running and eating right.
My first 5k: I loved the race, the collection of all different kinds of runners. I just didn't want to be last. So I ran it, beat my time and felt incredibly powerful and accomplished! I did it! I put that doubting, "I can't do it" Abbye to bed! I felt powerful, beautiful. I had lost 20 pounds and felt great.
But then I saw my pictures from the race. I hated what I saw. I saw "fat Abbye", the one I tried so hard to get rid of. My confidence and feeling of power vanished. What did all my work do? I still looked the same. My battle had not ended, I still hadn't dealt with my identity of who I really am. I have always believed my identity was solely wrapped up in what I looked like. If I'm fat, I have nothing important to say, and no one could possibly really like me. But if I happen to be thinner, THEN I am important. Then people would like me, and rejection would never happen again. Crazy, stupid lies I had heard or believed when I was young and held on to them for dear life. Those beliefs became who I was. Fat Abbye=not important, disposable Abbye. Thin Abbye=Loveable, wanted Abbye. I realized I had a LONG way to go in my healing.
Through all this, God had put in my path a very unexpected friend. I had no idea that God would use her to speak truth to me, love me through my unloveable moments and believe in me. Keri was the first friend who spoke truth to me, even when I didn't want to hear it. She had walked this path and was gracious to walk with me on my path.
So in "Keri style", she helped me to see the B.S. in what I believed. I couldn't take the "Abbye" way out and isolate. She hounded the daylights out of me! :) I'm convinced she has "B.S. Glasses" that let her look right through it. So I kept on working through these beliefs.
At the end of summer, my sister came to visit us. She is a runner, has done many 1/2 marathons and the Chicago marathon. She had a "great" idea ( I thought it was insane) that we run the Dallas White Rock 1/2 Marathon together. I really thought she was crazy. There was no way I could run 5 miles, much less 13 miles. It did seem fun, she encouraged me I could do it, so I agreed. I really thought I would lose the money I paid to register because there was no way I could do it.
But I wanted to try.
So I printed off Hal Higdon's training schedule, mapped out my route and schedule, and got started. Every couple of weeks, you add a mile or two to the long run. I remember getting to where I would run a 10k (6.2 miles) and getting an incredible runners high at mile 5. I sprinted (to me) the last mile and loved it. That was a turning point for me. While I was running that last mile, loving it, I felt the heavy, dead legs from my dreams falling away. Running felt light, easy, and what I had dreamed it would be like. I fell in love.
The next few months were hard, not gonna lie. As mileage increased each week, my anxiety increased about the race. I was still losing weight, trying to get to my goal of losing 60 pounds. I had 20 to go. I didn't look like the marathoners I read about all the time in my running magazines, but my body was doing what I wanted it to, and I was amazed.
A week before the race, I looked at the forecast for December 4th. 50% chance of rain, 40 degrees. 2 days before the race, 80% of rain, 38 degrees. I had never run in the rain. I thought of backing out. Liam had just had surgery, I could use him as an excuse. I was angry, I was scared, I was terrified. 24,999 runners who knew what they were doing, and me, a housewife and mom to 3 who was going to try to keep up and look like I should be there.
When I got to the Expo to get my bib, shirt and all the free stuff, I knew I'd made a mistake. I felt like everyone was looking at me, smirking, laughing that I thought I could do it. I still have a lot of junk in my trunk, and my jiggly baby-belly had a neon-sign that said "look at me, you skinny, perfect people!" ;)
I woke up at 3:45 on race morning. Who could sleep!?! I wanted to make sure I had everything perfect, my clothes, my shoes, my RAIN PONCHO! My sister helped calm me, reassure me I would do great.
Fast forward to the starting gate. I kept walking towards the back, but I was actually surprised I wasn't IN the back. They group runners according to their speed, and I was actually in the middle! Huh... 30 minutes after the gun went off, I took my first step in my race. My stomach had eased, my toes were frozen, but I was actually excited!
I usually hit my "wall" at mile 1, and I was true to myself. At mile 1, I stepped in a huge puddle, soaking my feet, my gloves were soaked, my hair was soaked and I was cold. But I passed my wall, and I started to enjoy the run. The crowds were great, I loved the cheering and hilarious signs (my favorite said "You look skinny!") encouraging me. I got to see my sweet family at mile 4 and 8 to help me keep going.
At mile 10, something happened that was awesome. It felt like someone flipped a switch in my gears. I suddenly had a ton of energy and took off. I was running a minute less than my normal pace. It was AWESOME! I loved every minute of it! As I got near the finish line, my phone died, and so did my music and my gps telling me my pace. It was perfect, I got to finish to people cheering me on, tears falling down my face and the indescribable joy of a good run. I did it! I flippin' did it!
Eventually the cold settled back in as I looked for my family. But I realized I didn't look at all the other runners as if they were critiquing me. I ran just as much as they did. I beat my time (2:30:37). I never walked once. I belonged with them in that room. I beat the voices in my head, I kicked the butt of all the lies I believed about myself. I was proud of myself. I did not compare myself to others. I was soaked in my VICTORY!
Then we raced to my sisters house to take the BEST hot shower EVER! That's going down in history books too.
So now, almost 3 weeks after, I am making my next goals; lose the last 20 pounds, do some speed training to better my time and planning my next 1/2. But I am really looking forward to just enjoying the run.
My first 5k. This is the picture I saw and was devastated by.
Before the race.
Mile 4
Between miles 8 and 9.
Finished! I didn't get a picture of me crossing the finish line, but I did get a picture with these cuties!
My sister Tiffany, her daughter Lauren and Sophye and Truett. Did I mention how COLD we were? Our lips are actually BLUE.
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!
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