The Little Lambert Gazette

I finally feel like I'm starting to come out of the fog of depression, which is sooooo nice.  I don't understand it.  I don't really think I understand a lot of things right now.  But one thing I do know, I'm starting to feel better.

Here are some things I have done and noticed as I have started to feel more like myself again.

• I have noticed how blue the sky is.  Like I've never really thought of it before.  But just a few months ago I remember walking out of my house and thinking, "hey, that is one blue sky up there, isn't it?  It almost makes me feel, like, I don't know, happy?"
• I started to cry a lot.  I think it's because before I wasn't feel anything but despair and hopelessness, but it didn't make me CRY.  It just made me want to die, or just stop existing, but that was nothing to cry about.  It was something to sit on the couch and stare at the wall about.  But now that I am FEELING again, it's weird.  It's like everyday things overwhelm me because I'm simply not used to feeling SO MANY THINGS, and I get overwhelmed and I cry.  But it sort of feels good, because at least I'm feeling something other than despair, and loneliness, and boredom, and hopelessness, and complete apathy, and wondering if there is a point to anything.............
• I've been DOING STUFF.  It's been REALLY WEIRD.  I remember last year at the height of the depression, I couldn't do anything.  One day I seriously took a shower, then didn't have the energy to get dressed.  So I laid on the bed and covered myself with the blankets and fell asleep for two hours, woke up exhausted, but had an appointment with my therapist, so I reluctantly got up and brushed my hair, got dressed, and left.  But now, I am actually doing things I couldn't even think about before.  Like I cleaned up the toy room, which was SOOOO GROSS!!!!   But it looks good now!  SO GOOD!!!!!  
• It feels like I'm waking up.  And that is SO NICE, but you know how it is when you take a nice long nap, and it was really nice, but then you wake up to a house that a tornado has gone through?  That is how I'm feeling now.  I keep looking around the house and for the first time in about a year I'm thinking, "HOLY CRAP!!!!  What happened in here?!?!  Who in the HELL let the house get this bad?!?!?!"  Oh yeah, that was me.  But I guess you just do what you can do.  
• I've also been taking the kids places.  Like the park, the zoo, and swimming!  I can't believe it!!!   And it's been NICE!  I actually am enjoying getting out of the house.  sigh.  It feels good. 

So, everyone, except for Madelyn and I are going through the stomach flu.  This is just awesome.  Considering I'm suffering from a pretty severe case of Post Partum Depression right now.  So life seems  even more bleak than it was a day or two ago.  And it was pretty bleak then.  Oh well.  It will pass.  I should enjoy this time of my life.  yadda yadda yadda.  I remember being 6 months pregnant with baby boy and thinking to myself, "I'm so glad I'm more mature and intelligent so I don't get post partum again.  Oh well.  such is life.  it will pass.  just keep swimming..... just keep swimming............ all is well.

Okay, so I am still reading said book.  I forgot that I'd even blogged about it.  SRSLY.  So, I am about half-way through it.  I was going full steam ahead on it, drinking the kook-aid and putting him on a pedestal where NO HUMAN should ever be placed,  and then BAM, I got a little let down as he began talking about his daughters and their American Girl Doll collection.  That has slowed me down a bit, and honestly, knocked him right off that pedestal.  Not like he claims to be perfect, or that he is great at not buying a bunch of stuff.  Isn't that WHY he decided to do the challenge in the first place? But still. I understand having an American Girl DOLL.  But not an American Girl Doll COLLECTION!  That is CRAZY to me.

But I will keep plugging away at it.

Okay, so I bought this book on my kindle, mostly because it was cheap and looked interesting.  It's called, "The 100 Thing Challenge".  I am really excited to start reading it.  It's based on the premise that we, as a Nation and Culture here in the good old US of A, suffer from "over commercialism".  I'm pretty sure he's right.

Lately I've been so bogged down with everything I need to do, mostly sorting and organizing my stuff. And as a die hard "Fly Lady" follower, I'm beginning to remember, you can't organize clutter.  You HAVE to get rid of it.  And this book has re-iterated that to me.  Perhaps my overwhelmed state is coming less and less from the Post-Partum blues, and more and more from all of my THINGS fighting for my time and attention.   And I CANNOT DO IT!!!

So, I'll keep you posted on the book, what it says and what I think and if I do it or not.  But I think it's going to be a really good read.  I think it's an answer to my most recent prayers.  Time to simplify.  :)

As a pre-cursor to my post, I don't want to sit here and pretend I've had the WORST. YEAR. EVER.  Because, I haven't.  Absolutely 100%, I've been blessed, my family is beautiful and I love them more than ever.  I have good friends whom I love.  And my life is relatively mellow.  But....... It's been a bit of a CRAZY year.  Not for me alone. If it was just me, my life would be relatively boring.  But for me, and those around me.............  I feel as if it's been a year of refining fires, of tumultuous challenges, of faith enduring trials.  Not for me alone, but for everyone around me as well.  And I just have to sit and go, What in the crap is going ON!

So here's a quick run-down of what's happened since being home from the Dominican Republic, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I will come back and elaborate on anything I feel needs elaboration for the benefit of posterity. But I just need to get it all written down so I know it's recorded.

We got home from The Dominican Republic August 13, 2013.  Maybe we should have come home on 14's instead of 13's?  Who knows.  I kid.  It's fine.

Three weeks later, my 3 sweet girls start school, absolutely LOVE it because the teachers are nice and creative in the way that they teach.  I spend a good month or two living in absolute bliss because  my life is FINALLY what I've always dreamed of. I am HOME!!!  I have a manageable mortgage on a home.  My husband has a good and stable job at a gold mining company that has been SO GOOD to us!  REALLY.  One of the best companies EVER.  My girls are so good.  I love them.  I love Utah.  I love the fresh air and the ability to walk around the neighborhood with hardly ANY worries about my safety.  I can even walk outside BY MYSELF!  Without taking my big lab/boxer/pit bull dog with me.

A few months pass.  I find that I am having the SAME CONVERSATIONS with the SAME PEOPLE over and over and over and over and over and over.  There are walls in Utah.  BIG ONES.  I start construction on my own, because honestly, sometimes I can tell people think I'm a little too much.  And that makes me feel really stupid.  So, here go the walls.  Can we build it?  YES WE CAN!!!

I get pregnant with baby #4.  Pregnancy makes me insane.  Construction on walls resumes at faster pace.

Christmas comes and goes.  I don't belong in Utah.  But I don't want to go back to the Dominican Republic either.  And even if I wanted to, I probably couldn't anyway.  Pregnancy gets increasingly difficult on me.

January: My oldest daughters turn 9 and 8 years old.  I plan a baptism for Madelyn, and birthday parties for both.  Stupid birthday parties.  I swear off birthday parties for the rest of my mortal life.  After this month passes, I can relax.

February:  I receive a text message that my Grandma Frislie has passed away and we need to plan a funeral in Idaho so she can be buried next to my Grandpa Frislie.  I have very few positive feelings towards my Grandma Frislie.  I haven't seen my Father in 6, maybe 7 years.  This is going to be difficult.  The funeral comes and my Aunts who I haven't seen or heard from since I was a little girl come.  I am overwhelmed with Love for Heavenly Father and the Savior.  Everything goes so well.  Everything is so beautiful.  Everyone is so kind, and it is so nice seeing everyone again.  Being in Idaho isn't as painful as I thought it would be, and it was good to see Dad again.  He is getting so old.  I can see his mental illness now more than I could before.  It's almost sad.  I'm filled with compassion and love for my Father.  I wonder if this is preparing me to plan a funeral in the future.  Possibly.

Spring comes.  I receive a facebook message that my sweet roommate and friend from College has just lost her husband in an accident.  She is pregnant with their 6th child.

I grow increasingly anxious about having a baby around again.  WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!   I put off getting the nursery ready.  My best friend who is a pediatrician is also pregnant.  Although she's sick as sick can be.  Why is life so hard?  It's really good.  but I don't know why it has to be hard when we're doing what we're supposed to do.

I get around to getting the nursery put together.  School is out.  I am MISERABLE!!!!  I have pretty much been crying myself to sleep every night since I was 6 months along.  I am 150% positive I cannot make it through this pregnancy.  The baby FINALLY comes.  WOW.  I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!  He is so precious.  He is beautiful.  He makes my heart happy.  I just want to hold him all day.  That moment he was born, I will NEVER forget.  I am so happy being a Mother.  I love my daughters more than I did before, because they are so good to me, and to the baby.  This baby is a blessing to me, and I am thankful for him.  Can't imagine my life without him and my daughters.  I've never enjoyed being a Mother like I do right now.

School starts.  hip hip hooray!!!  Emily doesn't want to do all day school.  Its hard growing up and being a 1st grader.  Honestly, I don't want her to go either.  She is so precious and mellow!  She is a helper and just fun to have around.  I enjoy her company.  She gets used to school eventually, but it takes a couple months, and a lot of tears, from both of us.

My friend Mya, who lost her husband, just got flown to Primary Children's Hospital.  her 10 year old daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  WHAT!?  WHY?!  Because she isn't going through enough?!  She has a 3 week old baby at home!  I am in disbelief, both about how crazy it is that she is going through more, and about how faithful she is and how she is just plowing straight through the middle of all of this craziness.  I have no idea how she's doing it.  She is amazing.  

Jana has her baby over a month early.  She was showing signs of toxemia.  Little baby girl is born and stays in the NICU for a while.  Because, once again, the pregnancy wasn't hard enough?  Later, once baby girl is home, Jana has a gallbladder attack and has to have her gallbladder removed.  GOODNESS!!!  What in the heck!

Jana's brother dies in a freak motorcycle accident.  Is there something going on in Heaven that we don't know about?  I know the Lord is trying to hasten the work, but this is getting a little unnerving.

October: I go visit Mya in St. George.  Her children are adorable.  She has a beautiful home, and we have a great time hiking around the grand Canyon.  She is a REMARKABLE person.  She is doing SO WELL, but is honest about how hard things are.  I could certainly learn quite a few things from her about how to be a better person.  I keep her in my prayers.

November:  Glen's Mom suffers a heart-attack.  She was lucky though, and they found it and fixed the blockage before it killed her.  This is devastating for Glen and his sisters, yet a blessing as well because she is okay.  Grandma Lambert is a big part of our lives.  My girls cry and I think have a new appreciation for Grandma Lambert now.

December:  I get a call from my sister on Wednesday morning, December 4, at 6:30 in the morning.  Dad has had a stroke.  I call Irene, and we head to Idaho together.  This will be expanded in a different post all together.  Dad passes away on Friday night, December 6.  I am overwhelmed by the goodness of Heavenly Father and The Savior.  I can feel my Savior with me, holding me, strengthening me, sustaining me, and blessing me.  The hole in my heart heals.  The power of the atonement has NEVER been so real and so powerful as it is right now.  I had NO IDEA it could be this healing.   I know it sounds crazy, but I have my Father back again.

January: More birthdays.  Glen quits his job at Barrick, one of the BEST COMPANIES EVER to work for SAVAGE.  WHY?!  Who knows.  When we figure it out, we'll let you know.

February:  My sweet 15 year old niece, Ahnika, is texting her friend who moved to California a year ago.  Her friend is depressed.  She is getting bullied at school and doesn't want to hurt anymore.  While texting, Ashley, my nieces friend, attempts to end her life.  My niece is out of her mind with worry, trying to get ahold of Ashley's parents.  My sister and brother in law frantically try to get help to Ashley.  An hour later, they find the address to Ashley's home, they call the police, and she is found, barely alive.  After 3.5 days on life support, Ashely dies.  My sweet, care-free, happy niece is now thrown one of the worst trials a person could possibly face in this life.  They leave today for the funeral.  I helplessly pray.  What else can I do?  My sister is in anguish watching her daughter go through this.  I am in anguish.  All my sister can do is hold her daughter as they cry together.  They leave for California today so they can attend the funeral that has yet to be planned.  Where is the peace in this?  This, I tell Heavenly Father in my prayers, is too much.  My niece cannot be expected to go through this and come out on top.  Surely this will break her.  Heavenly Father reminds me he is in charge.  He reminds me of the power of the Atonement I felt when my Father passed away, and that he can heal anything.  But I remember, with a stab of pain, how long it took for that healing to come.  I pray more for Ahnika.


So that is all for now.  I will elaborate when I feel the need to do so, and hopefully keep up better now. Utah is a hard place to live.  But it is full of so many good people.  Everyone is SO NICE.  I can do this.  I can become the person the Lord wants me to be here. That is all.  Heavenly Father is real.  He loves us and he watches over us.  Life is hard.  And I am constantly reminded that we were sent here to be tried and tested.  That is not a fun reminder.  But God is so good.  He always compensates us far above and beyond what we've had to endure.  And life is so beautiful.  So very beautiful.

Okay, this is me saying that I am going to start blogging again.  I know facebook is the new means of communication and has taken me from my blog, which is sad, because this is such a good way to record our lives and our happenings.  So here we go, I'm starting up again, not to get validation and views from others, but to document what our family is doing.  Here we go!  One post a week, that is the goal!

Well, I'm not an organic girl, but I do enjoy saving money.  But I also like making things myself.  I find it fascinating that I can make glass cleaner myself, and it works just as well as the store bought stuff.  Who would have thought that was possible!  

So while I was waiting for the spaghetti to boil tonight for dinner, I played the role of multi-tasker (which usually ends bad for me, usually it means burned dinner or some other disaster - I truly can only do one thing at a time) and I successfully made these four cleaners.  They are, Blessing in a bottle (a soapy mix, I think to be used on showers and stuff), Window Cleaner, Febreeze knock off, and a multi-purpose cleaner.  Here they are.  You will notice that mine are very plain to behold, while those in the original post are quite nice looking.  Once again, I enjoy form over function.  Although I really appreciate people who can make things look so cute.  What a gift........... that I will never have........  and that is just fine.  ;)

The link does have a recipe for a bleach cleaner as well, but I had already made a simple bleach cleaner earlier, due to a mouse problem we had this winter.  After the mouse was finally gone, I had to whip up some bleach water mix to disinfect the little gifts it left for me, ALL OVER THE HOUSE!!!!  I HATE MICE!!!!!!  AnyWHO, I already had a bleach mix and I didn't want to make another one.  I ALSO have a straight vinegar and water mix, which I LOVE to use on the walls of my shower as an "after shower spray" and also it really makes my granite counter tops sparkle.  I LOVE it on granite.  

So those are my adventures in Pinter-land, and my first attempt at being a little better.  So far things are going well!  

Do you have any Pinterest projects you've done that have worked well, or didn't?  Let me know!  Some of those things you just have to wonder about.  :)