Living After Losing

I've been a mess all weekend. I kept having really vivid flashbacks to my time in the hospital when we delivered. The fear, the pain, the realization of what was happening. It was like I was there all over again.

I also had a really hard time being so far away from our families and the boys' grave. I guess I was afraid no one would remember except family. I was wrong. Our friends were amazing. We were surprised in the morning by two friends who showed up at our house with coffees and flowers. It was nice to have coffee and talk with them. Then another friend surprised me with coffee at work and all day the calls, texts, and facebook messages poured in. It was so nice to feel how loved our boys are, that they aren't forgotten.

My wonderful sister-in-law went to the boys' grave and spent time with them. It was important to me that the boys weren't alone on their birthday. She decorated their grave with flowers, pumpkins and gourds and sent us a picture. It meant the world to me.

I truly cannot believe it's been a year. A whole year since our world came crashing down. A whole year since the most bittersweet day of our lives. A year since we held our beautiful babies and said hello and goodbye.

Happy birthday Cal and Ben. You are loved and missed every second of every day.

We had just finished the nursery the night before. Cribs were set up (with bedding because I had to see it all together even though I knew it would all need to be washed again), walls were painted, closet was organized with diapers and wipes, big gear was stacked in its boxes in the corner where the glider would go, clothes were heaped on the guest bed to be sorted by size and put in drawers, heck there were even books on the bookshelf. Things felt good. We kept talking about what the boys would be next Halloween and where we would take them trick-or-treating.

Then I woke up Halloween morning and things didn't look so good when I wiped. So I called the doctor. He humored the newbie mom of multiples and had me go to L&D just to be safe. Well, turns out I was contracting every three minutes but my cervix looked good. They gave me meds to stop the contractions and decided to keep me over night just to be safe.

We still never thought we would lose them. We still never thought in less than one week our world would come crashing down.

Needless to say I'm struggling tonight.

and it pisses me off.

I don't expect everyone to understand but I do expect the people closest to me to try. And I thought they did which hurts more, I think.

I've been really trying to reach out to my best friends when I'm upset. That's what they have said they're there for. I had a hard time doing that in the beginning but I've been doing it more lately. It was really helping to be able to talk about things that I was feeling with people other than Matt, my mom, or our counselor. It was really helping me feel less isolated about our loss.

This past weekend we were in Iowa City with all of my best friends for homecoming and we had a blast. We partied like rockstars. It was awesome.

Yesterday as Matt and I were driving to work he asked me if I was doing okay because my best friends had pulled him aside and told him that they had all talked and "thought I needed to be medicated to get over this hump". Insert shocked face and sounds here.

A. Who the hell are they to suggest something like that?! None of them has ever been through anything like this.

B. Why not just talk to me about it? Why go behind my back and then to my husband?

C. This isn't a hump I need to get over. This is my life. In a month my babies will still be dead. In a year my babies will still be dead. For my whole life my babies will still be dead. I am fighting everyday with that truth and trying to accept that.

D. Who judges a friend on how they are grieving the death of their children?

Needless to say, I'm feeling pissed. Really pissed. And hurt. And shocked. And betrayed.

I think I'm doing pretty fan-fucking-tastic with what life has thrown at me in the past year. I'm not perfect. Who the hell is? I have bad days. I have bad moments. I'm human. I'm a mother whose babies died.

But, I switched careers, started a new job, and have been working for over three months now. I'm working out and back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I've purged my closet of everything that doesn't fit right now which is kind of a step towards truly accepting my life right now. I've even started giving away some of the things we couldn't return that we have two of and will never need two of even if we have a take home baby. I'm getting up everyday and being productive. I'm enjoying my life on a day to day basis. I might not really like where we are in the grand scheme of things but I can appreciate that we have a pretty good life on a daily basis. (If that makes any sense at all) I'm trying to enjoy the little things.

Sure, I feel jealous of other people's pregnancies and healthy, living children. I'm not proud of it but I admit that it's my reality right now and try my best. I've even spent the afternoon with our friends who have twins boys that are two months older than the boys should be.

But guess what, my babies are still dead. That's with me every second of every day. I keep thinking that I should be picking out their first Halloween costumes instead of their headstone. I also keep flashing back to this time last year. How happy I was to be pregnant. How excited we were. How confident we were. How we were finishing painting the nursery and furniture and putting everything together this time last year. How last year at this time I flew into Chicago Midway airport, just like we did last weekend, pregnant and having our big shower. We had no idea what was coming.

All of this sucks. But I'm trying. You think I haven't thought about how much easier it would be to give up? You think in the darkest moments I haven't thought about taking the easy way out? But I don't. I choose to fight. Everyday I choose to get up and fight through this. To hope that there is a light at the end of all this. To believe that everyday I'm getting closer to our happy ending.

But you know what, even if we have a take home baby, Cal and Ben will still not be here and I will miss them everyday.

While this may not be normal to some and they might think I need to be medicated. This is my normal now. It's not always easy, it's not always pretty but it's my life.

Today is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I don't need a special day to remember. My babies are with me every second of every day.

There is so much that I want to say and simply can't. There are so many quotes I want to use (Elizabeth Edwards, Ronald Reagan, Elizabeth McCracken) and just don't have the mental energy to remember them.

Today I am sad and thankful. A weird combination, I know. I am sad that I am a champion for this day. I remember last year being pregnant and being so grateful for every second my babies grew inside me. I remember thinking about the losses others had experienced and being so sad for them. I never imagined I would be in this place one year later.

Today as I light a candle for my boys, my beautiful Cal and Ben, I think of all the angels playing with my babies in heaven tonight as we here on Earth grieve and miss them. I hope they can feel all the love pouring their way. I have been overwhelmed by text and posts of pictures of candles lit in honor of my special babies. They were here for such a short time but touched so many hearts.

I'm not sure if any of this truly conveys my feelings tonight. I'm not sure if any words truly can. My candles for my babies:

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. I'm sorry and I'll do better, I promise.

Here's the condensed version of the last couple of months.

Shortly after I last posted that FET cycle went down the crapper. My lining sucked worse than last time. They have no idea why my lining isn't responding. The cycle was canceled before transfer. Good news- we didn't waste an embryo. Bad news- no chance of a baby without transfer.

I'm kinda done. I have pretty much lost all confidence that I can get pregnant and stay pregnant. That being said, I'm more committed than ever to having a family, to being a mom. That's all I want now. I'm ready (I think) to begin exploring adoption more seriously. Matt isn't there yet. I'm not 100% there yet. So we're in limbo. Just waiting until a next step feels right.

We're also pretty tired of hemorrhaging cash for medical bills and infertility treatments. We need some time to get our financial feet back under us so we can move on more comfortably.

On a similar note, I went back to work. I'm not teaching this year. I'm just not ready to take care of other people's kids all day. I'm working for the same company that Matt works for. It's nice that we can ride to work together and have extra time each day to talk and hang out. We can also each bring one of the dogs which is awesome. It's nice to have the extra money and it's a pretty fun, laid back job. It's also nice to work with adults all day.

It's been a big adjustment going from being home all the time to working full time again. It was pretty overwhelming at first but I've settled into it now. We started a weekly cleaning lady which has been awesome. It really took a lot of the pressure off. We also started an every other week veggie and fruit delivery service. It's fantastic and really cuts back on trips to the grocery.

We've taken a couple of trips over the past few months. It's been nice to spend time with family and friends and get away.

The past few weeks have been a baby/pregnancy boom amongst our friends. It's been really hard for me and I really hate it that my friends' happiness makes me so sad.

I just want it to be our turn. I want to know when/if this is going to happen for us.

I am thrilled to be married to such an amazing man. Though we have certainly had a rough year, I am very proud to say that we are stronger today than ever. We have turned to each other during our darkest times and worked incredibly hard to make it through this together. We are not perfect. We still have our rough moments and our hard days but under it all we are a team.

This past year was definitely not part of anything I could have imagined when we took our vows 4 years ago. While I am not at a point that I can be thankful for the positives that have come out of this, I am thankful that the man I married has exceeded every expectation I have ever had of a partner. He has been my rock this year and while I would never have wanted to go through this, I'm so glad I had him going through it with me.

When we took our vows and I promised before God to take him for better or worse and til death do us part I did not understand what worse really meant. I did not understand nor could I fathom that the death that could part us did not have to be our own. But it hasn't. We have made it through the worst and through death and we are still here. Still standing together. 4 years of marriage later and (as of tomorrow) 7 months since our world was shattered. We are putting the pieces back together. We are rebuilding. We are still here and still fighting together for our family.

In addition to my husband, 4 years ago today our family and friends stood by us and agreed with our pastor that they would stand by us, support us and love us. I don't think we or they understood just how much support and love we would need but they fulfilled that promise more than I could have ever imagined. Sure, not everyone who was there that day is still in our lives but the ones that are have amazed me in their capacity to love us.

Tomorrow I will cry but today I am counting my blessings.

Here we go again!

Today is cycle day #3 and we officially started FET #2 on Sunday. We're still going on vacation as planned and I'll have my first check when we get back on 7/17. Transfer is tentatively scheduled for 7/22. I'm hoping everything goes smoothly this time and my lining is nice and thick. Any spare positive vibes, thoughts, and prayers are definitely appreciated this month.

As for the job, I'm supposed to start 7/25 but since transfer may be pushed back I'm going to leave it up to the hiring manager whether to keep that date or push it back 2 weeks to avoid any conflicts with transfer and bedrest.

I'd like to send a big thank you to all the wonderful ladies who are helping out with this cycle by donating their leftover meds. It helps a ton!

Between the new puppy (who is truly a handful) and summer vacations I haven't had much time. Plus I kind of feel like we're on hold right now with everything and I'm not handling it very well. I'm not exactly a patient person. :)

We had decided to wait 2 cycles after our failed FET. My cycles typically run between 32-34 days so this timing would place our next FET in a good place between vacations. Then 2 things happened. I got a new job with a start day of July 25th and the first cycle after our failed FET has decided to never end. Today is CD 52 with no sign of my period in sight. Yes, I've tested. Several times in fact. Of course it's negative. Of course I got my hopes up for a miracle pregnancy. (Our chances on our own are less than 5%) I even tested today hoping for a birthday miracle. Why do I do things like that to myself?

Oh yeah, today is my golden birthday. Last year on my birthday I was 5 weeks pregnant and in the throws of OHSS but blissfully happy. I thought this year I would have a baby. This is not how this year's birthday celebration is supposed to be.

Anyway back to trying to plan our next FET. Now the timing is a complete mess. We're trying to figure out all of our options and find one that works with our life. It sucks. I just want this to be easier. I'm so tired of having to make decisions of having to choose between life and cycling. Of trying to fit a cycle in. Of all of it really. Why can't we just have sex and see two pink lines like normal people? I'm sick of it all but I want a baby so we push on. I need to call my nurse to figure out all of our options. I'll keep you updated.

Meet Trixie!



She is a 12 week old coonhound mix. We got her last Thursday from the same rescue we got Tucker from. She is one tough little girl! She has no fear what so ever and is extremely adventurous! She and Tucker absolutely love each other and spend most of the day wrestling and playing tug-o-war. Tucker thinks she is the best toy we've ever gotten him!



She is doing pretty well with crate training and house breaking but she definitely takes a lot of energy! Matt is out of town this week at a work conference so I am pretty beat from taking care of the two of them!

We got the official results on Saturday. We are devastated. It's just not fucking fair. Why is it so goddamn easy for some people? Why is it so hard for us? Saturday was also 6 months since the boys died. I hate this. I hate that this is my life.

And then yesterday was Mother's Day. Talk about an "instead". I should have beautiful, 3 month old baby boys. Instead I have nothing. No babies, no pregnancy, and pretty much no hope. I'm just so sad and so very tired of being sad.

It's so easy to close my eyes and envision how my life should be right now. To see the boys as happy, living babies filling our home and our lives. Sometimes I just want to keep my eyes closed forever.

To say the least, it's been a clusterfuck so far.

I'm trying to see things positively and say that during our fresh cycle everything went perfectly until I got pregnant and then things went to hell in a hand basket quickly. Since this cycle has been shit from the start I hope that means the pregnancy will go perfectly.

See I'm trying.

I don't have it in me to go into the details but pretty much everything that could go wrong has. We are set for a transfer tomorrow at 1:45pm. I have to be at the clinic at 12 for blood work and then acupuncture. My clinic only requires bed rest for 2-3 days post transfer but we'll keep laying low for at least 5 days. I see no reason not too.

First beta is scheduled for May 7. Yep that's right the day before Mother's Day. As if that day won't be ridiculously hard enough. What do you do on Mother's Day as a mother who's babies are dead? Not only dead but buried in another state? How will handle it at all much less when we might have just found out that this cycle didn't work? Even if it does work and I'm pregnant I know that doesn't mean I'll have a living baby by next mother's day. We tried to hide away from everything on Easter and that just left us feeling sad and empty.

I'm pretty scared right now. It's going to be a big week.

First off, I'm a day late but Happy 5 month angel birthday sweet baby boys. It's been 5 months and the missing you is still so strong. I love you more every single day. Daddy and I are working hard everyday to learn the lessons you were sent here to teach us and to make you proud. You are always in our hearts.

Second, I have longer cycles. I always have unless on the pill. They range from 35-40 days. So we planned our FET cycle on a roughly 36 day cycle which would have me starting AF and vivelle patches on Sunday. I thought I had this whole week to psych myself up and finalize all the details. Instead my body decided to have a 32 day cycle and AF showed yesterday right around 5pm which is the cut off for cycle day 1 at CCRM.

::cue full on panic attack::

I ended up counting yesterday as CD 1 so the first vivelle patch is on and this FET is officially underway. Here goes nothing. I do think it's a positive sign that CD 1 and the start of this FET fell exactly on the boys 5 month angel birthday. It makes me think that they are truly watching over us and they want us to do this, to try to give them a living sibling to watch over too.

Third, I am working on my birth story. It's long and ugly and hard. I hope to have it up today or tomorrow before we leave for Mexico for the week.

Sometimes I swear I'm back to normal. Sometimes I swear I'm actually almost happy. I never forget but sometimes I swear I'm almost back. Actually this whole fight over the pricing of p17 has lit a fire in me that had died for awhile. It was nice to be passionate about something, to really feel something. I was feeling really confident, excited even, about our upcoming cycle. Truly hopeful was still a far way off but I felt comfortable on our new path. I wasn't thinking in "insteads" quite so often.

I expected this week to be hard. Matt's sisters and his brother in law and our nieces and nephew are in town. This trip was planned while I was pregnant for the kiddos spring break. They were supposed to be meeting the newest family members. I thought I would be drowning in the "insteads" this week. Instead (its a good one), I was enjoying time with family skiing and swimming and hiking and drinking. I spent yesterday with my nephew just the two of us and it didn't make me want to curl in a ball and sob. I was able to enjoy him for the amazing little person he is instead of seeing him as a reminder that I won't get to see my boys at that age, that he still doesn't have any living boy cousins to torment the girls with. And then we went to target.

Sometimes I really hate that place. This was one of those times. It was a small thing. Inconsequential really. Most people probably didn't even notice and yet it crumbled my world for awhile and made it hard to breathe. As I was getting my nephew out of the car I happened to hear someone getting out of the car across from us and looked up. A new mom was putting two infant carriers in a cart. She was trying so hard to maneuver everything and looked so proud of herself for getting to Target with both babies by herself. It knocked the wind out of me. That should be me right now. I should have babies right now. God, it was like being hit by a bus I didn't see coming. The whole rest of the trip was spent thinking what ifs and what should have beens. The vision of that cart with two baby car seats is still haunting me every time I close my eyes.

I would seriously like to trade in my ticket for this roller coaster ride. I'm done and we've haven't even tried to get pregnant again. I guess I should just be glad that yesterday the coaster took an up swing. We have hope again and it's a great thing. (Did you hear that attempt at positivity? I'm trying) In related news, I'm beginning to hate my phone. I feel like I've been on it for two days straight.

So yesterday morning I decided to call my MFM to see if she had any recommendations to help our situation with the p17 shot. I spoke to a super wonderful nurse for a long time explaining our situation. She said she'd check with Dr. Dugoff and get back to me. While I was waiting for her to call back I called the pharmacy that currently compounds p17 for my OB's office. I wanted to check if they were still compounding it and how long it was shelf stable for. I was hoping that, best case scenario, I could get some now and stockpile a little to offset some of the costs. The news was even better. They can continue compounding it for now because they suspend theirs in sesame oil and not castor oil like the patented version. He also said he could play around a little with the dosage (ex. 270 instead of 250) to try to get around the patent too. He was planning to continue to compound the med unless the big evil pharmaceutical company brought huge lawsuits against him. I cried when he told me. I think he thinks I'm a little crazy but I'm okay with that. It was so great to have a glimmer of hope.

Then the fabulous nurse from my MFM's office called back. The two pharmacies they use for p17 will also still be able to compound the drug for $10 a dose. Woo hoo!! We have options again. She said we should go ahead with this cycle as planned. She also said that the council for high risk OBs is working on alternatives to Makena just in case the big evil pharmaceutical company gets its way and no one else can compound it at all. I feel confident that she can get me enough meds at reasonable price to go ahead with this cycle.

So we are cycling in about 3 weeks. HOLY CRAP! Talk about a total 180 in 24 hours. I can hardly believe it and can't stop crying. These are the first tears of joy in a very, very long time.

I'm not going to stop fighting for the government to drop p17's orphan status or for KV pharmaceutical to drop the price of Makena to a reasonable rate but I'm glad it's not necessary before we try again.

I am so sad, so angry. Everything feels so hopeless right now. It looks like we won't be able to cycle again next month or maybe ever. I am heartbroken and devastated. I am barely accepting our current reality and the thought of being child-free is killing me. I am trying to fight for our future but the problem seems insurmountable right now and I feel like we are close to out of options.

One of the biggest components of treatment during subsequent pregnancies for me would be the p17 shot. It's a weekly injection of a specialized form of progesterone that has been shown to reduce pre term delivery by 36-55% in patients who have had a previous preterm delivery. That's pretty significant and made me feel much more confident about carrying a future pregnancy closer to term. The drug has been compounded by several pharmacies in the past and cost about $10-20 per shot. The shot is given from week 16-36 or delivery. In the last month the FDA has approved the shot for preventing preterm delivery and granted orphan status to the drug allowing it to be produced by only one pharmaceutical company through 2018. This company has raised the price of the shot to $1500 per shot or $30,000 per pregnancy.

I'll allow a moment here for you to pick you jaw up off the ground.

We spent the weekend getting all the paperwork and money organized for our FET cycle. In trying to be as prepared as possible for this cycle I called our insurance company yesterday to check coverage for p17. I assumed in our situation it would have to be covered. It's not. No coverage at all. The rep didn't sound like it was possible to appeal either. Great. So I did some research because the drug company has had lots of press releases about how great their patient assistance program will be and how no one will be denied access to the shot because they can't pay. Sounds great right? Well I called the patient assistance rep to apply for the program. You can't pre-apply. I need to be pregnant, have my doctor prescribe the drug, have insurance deny coverage and then call them. They will then appeal to the insurance company on my behalf and then if insurance still denies coverage they will see if I qualify for any assistance programs they offer.

Seriously?!?! This seems incredibly irresponsible and stressful to me which I pointed out to the rep. Apparently this is the only way. I asked what happens if then I don't qualify for any of their programs. She said it would be full price then. Who in god's name can afford an extra $30, 000? I guess we could attempt a pregnancy without the shot but that seems irresponsible too. So we don't cycle until we get this figured out. Which may be never. I currently have calls into my OB and my MFM to discuss other options. We are also looking into other insurance plans or riders that may cover the drug. I am still fighting with insurance to try to appeal the coverage decision. Nothing looks very promising. It sucks that whether or not we will have a chance at a living child is coming down to finances but this total is so far out of the realm of possibility that it's the bottom line. I couldn't live with myself if we attempted a pregnancy without the shots and then had a devastating result. The anxiety would probably throw me over the edge too. So it seems for the time being we are out of options.

I am outraged that our government is allowing this drug company to take advantage of families who have been through devastating experiences already. If you are too and you can spare a few minutes please copy and paste the following letter and send it to your representatives and senators. Here's a link that provides contact info for all representatives by state.

http://www.contactingthecongress.org/

Here's the letter that I copied from another blog. Together maybe we can make a positive change.

Sorry it's been awhile. I'm hoping to blog quite a bit this week because I feel like I have a lot to say. So stay tuned followers!

Let's go back in time to the last week of October.

I got home from Chicago (baby shower and high school reunion) on Tuesday and spent the rest of the days that week resting and the evenings finishing painting the nursery furniture. Friday night we met a group of friends for happy hour and went to the paint store a got the paint for the nursery walls. I was really feeling great. While we were at happy hour the babies were moving like crazy (apparently they liked the smell of italian food too!) and my friends got to feel them kick. Both babies' feet were in the same spot and kicks felt so amazing. Seeing my friend's faces as the boys kicked at their hands was incredible.

Saturday morning we got up and started taping the nursery for painting. My friend Kristi was coming over to help with the actual painting since I would be very little help. With three of us working we got the walls done in no time. I helped a bit and tried to rest and drink enough water. I had a few contractions throughout the day but I just assumed they were braxton hicks contractions from doing too much. That evening when the paint dried we moved the furniture back in and set up the one crib we had finished painting. Even though the bedding wasn't washed and didn't need to be ready for months I couldn't help putting the bedding on the crib just to see what it would look like. We were far from finished but it was all starting to seem so real. We were so so excited. All the baby clothes we had were dumped on the guest bed awaiting sorting by size and organizing into the dresser and closet. The closet was filled with diapers, wipes, baby laundry detergent, boppies, breast feeding pillows, blankets, baby hangers, swings, bouncers, activity mats, and generally everything the boys would need.



Sunday morning was pretty standard with us hanging out and watching the morning news. I went to the bathroom and when I wiped noticed a giant glob of yellowish-brownish goo (for lack of a better word). While I had never seen a mucus plug before something told me this was it. I knew it could be a sign of impending labor but thought it was way too early (it was). I was nervous but decided to a wait a bit and see how I felt. We spent some time organizing the nursery closet but stopped because I wasn't feeling so great. I decided to call the on call OB and just see what they said. When the doc called back I explained what I had seen on the toilet paper and what I was feeling. He decided I should go to L&D just in case since I was carrying twins. I could tell he was pretty much humoring me and didn't think anything was really going on. With this in mind, I went to the hospital by myself. I told Matt I'd call him if I needed him. I was scared but naively thought it was nothing.

I checked in at the ER and they walked me up to L&D. As the nurse was getting me settled in the room and asking me about why I was there I could tell she thought it was nothing too. She hooked me up to the contraction monitor and checked for the babies heartbeats. The boys were doing great and the heartbeats were the most amazing sound in the world. As I was blissfully listening to the most beautiful sound in the world the boys started moving around (or so I thought). The nurse asked if I had felt that contraction. Ummm, what contraction that was a baby shifting wasn't it? I've been feeling that on and off for about two weeks. She kindly corrected me that it was a contraction and proceeded to measure that I was having contractions every three minutes. Cue freak out.

I called Matt while she called the on-call doctor. The started procardia and IV fluids to try to stop the contractions. When the procardia didn't stop them they started terbuterline and the doctor headed in to check my cervix and do an fFN test which would check for a protein that can indicate delivery in the next two weeks. The terb finally stopped my contractions after two doses. The doctor checked my cervix and found that it was still long, high, and closed. It was measuring just over 4 cm which was great for twins at 22 weeks. They decided to keep me overnight for observation but things were looking good. The fFN came back negative and we breathed a sigh of relief. A negative meant I shouldn't deliver within the next two weeks which would put us past 24 weeks or viability. By the next morning the contractions had stopped and I was released after an ultrasound to check the babies and for any changes in cervical length overnight. Everything looked wonderful. I was told to call with any increases in frequency, duration, or pain with contractions. Bedrest was prescribed for the remainder of the pregnancy.

Looking back we were so naive. We had had friends with twins who had had scares at similar gestations and after several months of bedrest had healthy babies. We weren't really worried. I talked with the boys often that week about how they needed to settle down in there and stay put. Our friends jumped in to help, bringing dinners and keeping me company.

Tuesday I noticed an increase in the number of contractions I was having per hour and called the OB. They got me in immediately and of course I had no contractions while hooked to the monitor. The high risk OB checked my cervix with ultrasound and it was measuring over 4 cm still. The staff might just have contractions like this for the rest of the pregnancy but my cervix wasn't changing which was good. We planned out care for the rest of the pregnancy and I was sent home on modified bed rest with the same instructions to call if anything changed.

Little did we know just how much was about to change.

The mail has become a deadly weapon. I dread going to get it. There have been several days so far that it has contained emotional bombs. Like the day I got a large packet in the mail from the Colorado Dept of Health. Apparently I was randomly chosen to complete a pregnancy survery since I had recently given birth to a new baby. Yay (my voice is ringing with sarcasm if you can't tell.) Yesterday was one of those days. The contents of the mail included:

*birth announcement for our friend's twin boys
*baby shower invite for a college friend
*Pottery barn kids catalog
*Land of nod catalog
*Bill from CCRM

Really? How the fuck is this my life? All of this combined with my due date being earlier this week has sent me into a pretty big downward spiral. I feel paralyzed by the grief and what my life has become.

Today is my due date.

It's so hard to imagine that with a normal pregnancy I could still be pregnant right now. The official due date was kind of a non event when I was pregnant because we knew I wouldn't make it this far. Now it's been looming like this point of no return. Somehow once today has passed I know my babies really won't be coming home. I have to begin to accept that this is my reality. I don't want it. I don't want the crushing pain anymore. The pain that sweeps in seemingly out of nowhere and leaves me breathless. The pain that blackens out the sun and makes the world feel cold.

For the past 2 weeks I have written a bunch of posts in my head but I couldn't get them out. They were all trapped deep inside by the fact that I should have babies at home now. I keep wondering when the should haves will stop. I don't think I will ever accept that this is my life. How do accept that your babies are buried and never coming back?

I feel myself slipping away. I feel people shying away from me. I can almost hear them thinking that I should be doing better by now. But how? It feels like I am on an island that is floating in the ocean. Some days my island is close enough that I can jump the water and visit the mainland. Other days the mainland isn't even a speck on the horizon. I feel so separate, so alone, so empty.

I want to write my birth story. I need to finish telling my story. Maybe I will later today. Maybe it will help to tell it but a part of me worries that finishing their story will make them more gone though I know that's not true.

I feel like I've been swimming in a pool of cement since November 7th. Some days there is a lot of water mixed with the cement and I can move a little. Other days the cement is dry and hard and prevents me from doing anything at all. Yesterday was one of those days. I was simply paralyzed with grief. My babies should be here, healthy and happy. Filling our lives and our home with joy and chaos. Instead I'm left with the grief and decisions. Decisions about how and when to try again. I should be a mom already. I shouldn't have to think about any of this.

Today I should be 38 weeks pregnant. My OB would have induced today if they hadn't come already. This is the most pregnant I should be. Instead my body is deflated and squishy. I hardly recognize it anymore. Our families should be here celebrating with us and meeting the newest family members. Life should be wonderful. My greatest life dream should be fulfilled. This should be the most joyful month of our lives and instead the grief and sadness seems never ending.

Acupuncture really helped my morning sickness and as long as I went 2-3 times a week the nausea was, for the most part, manageable. At the end of August we had a great N/T scan. Both babies were growing right on track and actually looked like babies. It was amazing to watch them moving around on the screen. I was feeling better and I was beginning to really, really enjoy being pregnant. I was already showing thanks to fluid and twins but I loved it. Here's a picture of me at 12 weeks.



After the N/T scan I was actually able to go the standard 4 weeks between OB appointments. After being in doctors offices practically every other day for three months, this was a miracle. At my 16 week ultrasound we asked my OB to check the genders. She checked the babies every appointment with ultrasound anyway so we asked her to just peek. We knew it might be too early and that we would have to wait until the level II ultrasound at 20 weeks to be sure but we were so excited we wanted to know as soon as possible. She said she would give us a guess if it was obvious but it was still early. We held our breath as she squirted the jelly on my belly and brought the wand to it. Well, wouldn't you know that the second she put the wand on my belly you could see both baby butts right there with their legs spread. Two very obvious, very unshy boys. There was no mistaking it! We were absolutely, positively thrilled! Ecstatic was an understatement. I had thought there was at least one boy hanging out in there because the foods I had to have were greasy, fatty boy food. Plus my gas was out of control. Girls do not make farts like that.

We told everyone immediately and started our registry on Amazon. It was so much fun picking out the things our boys would need and use. We researched everything to make sure we were making the right choices for our little guys. We were having an early shower in Chicago at the end of October when we went back for my 10 year high school reunion.

We met with the MFM again at 19 weeks 3 days for the level II ultrasound. It was amazing to see how much the babies had grown and changed. Everything looked perfect. They were definitely still both boys and were still not shy at all about showing it off. They were measuring on track and within 5% of each other. My cervix was long and closed and we were told that most cervical issues appear by this point so we thought we were in the clear. The plan was to do another growth scan in 4 weeks. I had grown a ton and was starting to feel really big. Here's a pic from the same day as the level II.



We were so happy that things were going so well. I was feeling great and we decided to start on the nursery that weekend. We had ordered the pottery barn kids alphabet bedding. Matt's sister and brother in law had given us two cribs that they had used for their kids. Matt's brother had also used them for his twin girls. We painted the cribs a bright blue. We also painted a dresser we had and a bookcase my cousin had helped me build in the same shade. We were going to use the bookshelf as a changing table with baskets on the shelves to hold all the diapering stuff, toys and books. Because we were having an out of town shower all the gifts were being shipped to our house directly. We already had stacks of things for the babies and cases of diapers and wipes. We also had garage shelves full of formula that a friend that works for Similac had given us. We were starting to feel so ready. It was all starting to feel so real.

On October 21, 2010 we headed to Chicago to my hometown for my reunion and a baby shower. I was so excited. The reunion was Friday and Saturday and the shower was Sunday morning. My mom and her best friend were throwing the shower at a local golf club. All my best friends would be there as well and good family friends and a bunch of my mom's co workers. They had kept the theme a surprise from me. The theme was Dr. Seuss' Thing 1 and Thing 2. It was adorable. Across the fireplace they hung thing 1 and thing 2 onesies and the tiniest little jeans imaginable. There were also 2 teeny, tiny twins hats since Matt is from Minneapolis. We had a fabulous time. The boys and I were spoiled beyond belief. We got so much that we needed. These babies were already loved by so many people. My best friends from college were all there and their husbands golfed during the shower. We all hung out afterwards at the restaurant. It was so much fun being with everyone, celebrating our two much wanted, much loved miracles. Here's a pic from the shower. I was 21 weeks 4 days.



These were the hardest pictures to see after the boys passed. It was so hard to believe that exactly two weeks before we were so happy, so innocent, so unaware of what was coming.

It's terrifying but it's a plan.

We met Wednesday with Dr. Surrey (RE) and Dr. Dugoff (MFM that delivered the boys) and we have a plan. We still don't have answers as to why I went into pre-term labor so early but all agree that a singleton pregnancy without the stress of hyperstim should be successful.

So the plan is baseline ultrasound, blood work, and hysteroscopy to check for scarring in the uterus on Monday. At the start of my April cycle we will begin the frozen embryo transfer (FET) of a single embryo. Transfer would happen in May. The pregnancy would be closely monitored. At 16 weeks, I would start weekly p17 shots which have been proven to prevent pre-term labor in women who have had a previous pre-term delivery. Cervical length monitoring would begin every 2 weeks at 18 weeks and at 24 weeks would switch to weekly. We also talked about home contraction monitoring starting at 24 weeks and FFNs starting at 24 weeks. FFN is a test that checks for a protein on the cervix that would indicate labor is eminent in the next two weeks. A positive means labor might start in the next 2 weeks. A negative means labor probably won't start in the next two weeks. I don't hold much stock in this test since I had a negative FFN the Sunday before I delivered. Home contraction monitoring would definitely help ease my mind but it's only an option if insurance covers it. If not we would do weekly in office monitoring as opposed to the 2x's a day home monitoring.

So that's the plan. A big part of me needs a paper bag to breathe into. Are we really thinking of doing this again? There's still a chance this could happen again. Would I survive? I'm obviously terrified but that will be the case no matter when we try again. Even if this next pregnancy is successful I'm pretty sure I will still be terrified for subsequent pregnancies. There is no good time for this. It won't get better or easier so I guess we just close our eyes and leap. So, here goes nothin!

Today I'm feeling very anxious about tomorrow. We have a full day of doctor's appointments. We are meeting with our RE, the MFM that delivered the boys, the hospital's perinatal loss coordinator, and our counselor. We need to have these appointments. We need answers and recommendations for the future. We need to know our options. I know all this but I still don't want to go. It's going to be so hard to go back to the clinic. The last time we were there was when we were released back in July. We were so happy and hopeful then. I don't want to go back to the hospital. There are too many memories. It all just seems so hard. I want to begin looking to the future and I want the doctors opinions on whether we should get pregnant again, when, and what the care plan would be. At the same time it seems too soon to think about moving on. It seems like I'm leaving my babies farther and farther behind. I know life has to go on but this is not the life I want so where does that leave me?

I feel like there's one playing in my head. It plays loudest in the middle of the night when I can't sleep and all it says is "I want my babies back, I want my babies back." I'm still struggling to accept this reality that I don't want. I keep thinking about how I should be hitting 36 weeks or full term for twins tomorrow. I should be planning with my mom about when she should fly in. I should be so huge it hurts. I should be double checking my hospital bag and the nursery making sure everything is ready to bring my two little boys home. I WANT TO BE DOING THAT! I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want this pain anymore. I should be checking to make sure we got all the essentials off of our baby registry instead I had to delete it this morning. I don't understand why this has happened to us. I don't understand what I've done to deserve this.

Here's the score so far:

Drains: 5
Liters removed: 10 1/2
2 heartbeats seen at 6w1d!

It was very odd to feel so elated for the pregnancy and so beat up physically and emotionally from all the OHSS. Let me say that pregnancy hormones plus OHSS symptoms= hell. Friday (48 hours from my last and biggest drain) I had another check at CCRM. There was still free fluid but not enough for a drain. My hormones were starting to stabilizing and my bloodwork was showing that I wasn't severely dehydrated anymore which meant my risk of blood clots was decreasing. We weren't out of the woods at all but things were looking okay. Matt was scheduled to be back on Monday and we were having our first official appointment to check the pregnancy on Monday even though we had already seen images from abdominal ultrasounds.

After the appointment Friday I went to a maternity store for the first time. Even though I was only 6 weeks I looked more like 5 months along and nothing fit. It had been six weeks since I had been able to fit into my jeans or pants. I was DYING to wear jeans. I picked up a pair of jean shorts and a pair of jeans. I felt ridiculous buying maternity clothes this early but what can you do, right? I ended up spending the weekend with friends in Denver near the clinic and hospital since I was having trouble moving around and they could take care of me. Plus Tucker could play with their two dogs and go out in their fenced in backyard. Matt could drive straight there on Monday too which would save an hour and half from the drive home only to turn around and drive the hour and a half back down to the appointment. Win/win solution.

By Monday I felt like hell again (big surprise). Matt got back into town and we went straight to the clinic. The pregnancy ultrasound went perfectly. Despite all the chaos in my body, the babies were growing right on track and looked perfect. My fluid levels were up again but instead of draining me again the doctors wanted to try to push me a few more days to see if my body would take over and start reabsorbing the fluid. I was not pleased with this decision. It hurt to move. I was miserable. I begged. They stuck to their guns. Bastards. We drove back home and were surprised to realize a few days later that the doctors may have been right. I guess that's why they get paid the big bucks. By Thursday, I was feeling less fluid filled and could move around easier too. Ultrasound showed that the fluid levels were stabilizing at least and maybe decreasing a little. We scheduled the next appointment for Monday to check both the babies and the fluid. I would have 1 more appointment that thursday at 8w2d and if all looked good I would be released to my OB who would see me the following week. We couldn't wait to be released and just be a normal pregnant person.

Apparently, things were starting to get too easy and my body decided to throw some morning sickness into the mix too. Right at 8 weeks it kicked in with a vengeance. The blue bucket was back as a permanent fixture by my side. The beauty of my morning sickness was that it came out both ends. At. the. same. time. Awful. Horrible. Miserable. And yet surprisingly comforting to know that the pregnancy was over powering the OHSS.

Well, all went according to plan (finally!) and I was released and I could stop the lovenox injections. Woo hoo! My first OB appointment was set for the following Wednesday at 9w1d. I love my OB and was really excited to see her. She had been kept in the loop the whole IVF cycle and pregnancy so far. I was also hoping she could give me something for the morning sickness since it was now an everyday thing. The appointment went well. She checked the babies by doppler and by ultrasound. They had such strong heartbeats. It was the first time we had heard them and that swooshing sound was so incredible. I could have listened all day but she wanted to do an ultrasound. I was cool with that too! The babies looked like little gummy bears and were measuring right on track. We had so many pictures of these babies already. It was amazing! We discussed the plan for care for the rest of the pregnancy and set up the N/T scan for 12w. I didn't have another appointment until then. I didn't even know what I would do with all that time! I was used to doctors appointment everyday or every other day plus the commute each way.

Well things went south from there (again). By Wednesday afternoon I developed sharp pain in my back around the bottom of my right rib cage every time I inhaled. I figured I had just pulled something vomiting and dry heaving (yep it was that violent). The anti nausea drugs weren't touching it. By Friday the pain was pretty bad. I called my OB and she wanted to see me immediately. While we headed over to her office she touched base with Dr. Surrey at CCRM. When we got there she listened to my lungs and did an abdominal ultrasound. There wasn't much fluid present. At this point everyone became really worried about a pulmonary embolism or a blood clot in my lungs. It could be fatal and I would need a CAT scan to determine if one was present. CAT scans in early pregnancy can be really risky to the babies before 12 weeks. I was just under 10 weeks. We discussed other options and decided to go over to the hospital for bloodwork and a lower extremity ultrasound. The hope was that there might be some indication on ultrasound of a clot breaking free which would lead to treating everything like I had a pulmonary embolism without the CAT scan. If there wasn't anything, we would come back in the morning to discuss results and next steps. Of course there was nothing. And I almost passed out on the ultrasound table because I hadn't eaten since 1pm and it was 7pm. This was Friday, July 31st.

At the appointment the next morning, it was decided by the high risk MFM, my OB and Dr. Surrey that the CAT scan had to be done. It was just too risky to wait any longer if I had an embolism. We were sent over to the hospital again and waited to be taken back to radiology. The tech that came and got me was an idiot. An absolute imbecile. She wouldn't even let Matt come with me while they got me ready. I was terrified and alone. Then as we get into the CAT scan room she starts in about how she won't do the scan until I've spoken with the radiologist in front of her because its too risky to do scans on pregnant women and she can't believe the doctors are recommending one. She has never heard of that and wants no part in it. She scared the crap out of me. All my doctors had said that the risk was very very small. We were finally comfortable with our decision and now this. Was she serious? Did I mention I was alone? The radiologist had also spoken with my OB and was on the same page she was. The risk was really low and he would have it done if it was his wife. Crazy f-ing tech! The dye used in CAT scans makes you feel like you've wet your pants but that was the worst of it. We went back to the OB's office to wait for the results. I told my OB about the tech and she was livid. More stress was the last thing I needed right now.

The results of the scan showed that I didn't have a pulmonary embolism but I did have a large pocket of fluid in my lung that was causing the pain. OHSS rears it's ugly head again! They decided to try a wrap to help with the pain and a steroid inhaler to help my lungs expel the fluid.

Meanwhile, morning sickness was still kicking my ass. Surprisingly, sugary cereals (lucky charms and the like) were the only thing that made me feel okay. It's a good thing they fortify those things or these babies wouldn't have gotten any nutrition! By Tuesday (10w pregnant) I couldn't handle the puking anymore and called my acupuncturist in tears. He got me in that afternoon and a new love affair was born. After 5 minutes of having the needles in the nausea was gone and I was starving. We made another appointment for Thursday and I went straight to a local deli for food! The plan was every few days as needed hoping to stretch the time between appointments as I started to feel better.

I thought I was doing better. I thought the grief was easing. I thought I was moving forward with the tiniest of all possible steps. This morning slammed me back.

Dear Cal and Ben,
This morning I sat in your room and cried. I had gone in there to make sure it was ready for your auntie to come visit this weekend because your beautiful nursery has been turned back into a guest room but let's face it, it will always be your room to me. It just felt wrong. Things should be so different right now. You should both be growing big and strong inside me getting ready to make your appearance in the world. The beautiful blue cribs with their bright alphabet bedding should still be set up in your room. The swings and bouncers and pack n plays should be set up. The glider should be sitting in that corner ready for me to rock you and comfort you and feed you. The dresser should be filled with clean sweet smelling newborn clothes, all those adorable outfits we had picked out for you. Instead it sits empty. The baskets on the bookshelf should be filled with diapers and wipes and burp cloths ready for all the messes you are about to make. Instead three of the baskets are filled with the only things you will ever touch. The blankets and teddy bears that snuggled you at the hospital. The book your cousin Bill read at the funeral. The sympathy cards we have received from all the people who your short lives touched.
I sat on the bed and cried for what will never be. I held your blankets and remembered you. How beautiful you both were. How perfect and how tiny. I looked at the photo book your daddy and I made of all the pictures we have of you and it hit me that those are the only pictures we will ever have of you. It seems so wrong that you are not here. I still find it hard to believe everyday that you really are gone. That you, my sweet baby boys, have been taken from me. I don't want it to be true. I want you back with me more than you'll ever know. I miss you so much it truly feels like pieces of me are missing. It's hard for me to understand how and why I am living in a world without you. You'll never know how much it hurts me that my body failed you. That I couldn't do the one thing a mother is supposed to do for their babies. Keep them safe. I'm so sorry. Please know that I tried everything I could to keep you inside me. I love you both so so very much.

Love,
Mommy

Back to the past. I apologize if it's boring to read the nitty gritty details but it's helping me to remember. So if you're still reading and if you're keeping score:
Drains=3
Liters of Fluid removed=6
Injections= too many to count still taking Lovenox daily
Beta= 632 at 4w3d pg

On Monday June 28, 2010 the pain and fluid were back. I was 4w6d pregnant and we headed to Denver for an ultrasound, bloodwork, and another drain. I actually begged for this drain when the doctors wanted to push me another day to see what would happen. But Tuesday was my 28th birthday and I really really did not want to spend it in the hospital. Another painful drain. I told the doctors at the hospital they were going to have to knock me out if I needed another drain. I simply didn't think I could lay there and take the pain again. It was too much. Everyone assured me there was very little chance I would be back for another drain. It just didn't happen. No one had ever needed 5 drains that they could remember. We believed nothing they had to say. We knew anything was possible during this ordeal.

Tuesday I woke up feeling good, happy, excited. It was my birthday. My mom and grandma were still visiting and we were having a bunch of friends over for a BBQ and party that evening. I deserved some fun! My mom gave me money to buy a good pair of maternity jeans. She knows my weakness is designer jeans and that Matt wouldn't be on board with spending so much money on a pair of pants I would wear for a few months. I was so excited to start shopping for maternity clothes! I was also just about to the point where I needed them. Between extra liters of fluid and two ovaries the size of grapefruits (yep they weren't shrinking yet) my belly already looked 4 months pregnant. I hadn't worn anything but sweatpants or sundresses in a month and surprisingly it was getting old.

We went back to the clinic on Wednesday and were pleasantly surprised that things were looking more stable. There was free fluid but it wasn't building as quickly as it had before. Everyone was hopeful that I had turned the corner and was getting better. The nurses told me I was tied for the current record for number of drains needed by a CCRM patient. I asked if I set a new record if our IVF fees were reimbursed as a prize. I figured I deserved something at this point! We scheduled another follow up for Friday. We discussed our vacation plans with the doctor. We always spend the week of July 4th driving to Minneapolis to visit Matt's family and see our friends there. We were planning on leaving on Saturday and staying for the week. The trip was especially important this year as very good friends of ours were getting married in northern minnesota the following weekend and Matt was in the wedding. He had the all important job of parking attendant ;)! We had already booked a cabin on the lake with 4 other friends for the wedding weekend. We were really looking forward to time with family and friends. We discussed several options with the doctor including going as scheduled (which was vetoed immediately), driving on Monday after another check up, or flying later that week (which would be really expensive) and shortening the trip. We decided I would be checked on Friday and Monday and then the decision would be made. We had everything crossed that we would be able to go.

On Friday we went to the clinic again, hoping for good news. We got it and then some! My favorite ultrasound tech was doing the free fluid ultrasound. There was more fluid then Wednesday but still less than needed for a drain. I was also still feeling pretty good. These were all good signs. And then the best thing ever happened. She moved the wand over my lower belly and broke out into a huge grin. Matt and I were watching the ultrasound on the big screen TV.
"Do you know what you're looking at?" she asked. I nodded but couldn't speak due to the humongous grin and the tears streaming down my face. Matt was a little slower and needed an explanation.
"Those two circles are gestational sacs. You're having twins!" she explained. He caught on quickly and we hugged and cried. I was 5w5d pregnant WITH TWINS!! We were ecstatic and called all of our family and friends on the way home. When we met with the doctor he said that I still needed to be checked on Monday but it was looking good that we could leave after the appointment and drive to Minneapolis as planned. All good news. We were thrilled!

We couldn't stop smiling all weekend. Well until we were packing Sunday night. Nothing fit. I mean nothing but the 4 dresses I had worn for the last month, a few skirts with elastic waistbands, and sweatpants. Did I mention 3 of the 4 dresses were the same dress in different colors? I could get through the week but the wedding was impossible. None of the few outfits that fit were wedding appropriate. I tried on everything I owned that could possibly work for a wedding and grew more and more upset with each zipper that would zip and button that wouldn't button. I wasn't even 6 weeks pregnant! This was ridiculous! I had my first pregnancy caused emotional breakdown. I cried. I yelled. I threw an empty laundry basket across the room. I'm surprised my head didn't start to spin. It was finally decided that I would just have to buy something there and would have to buy a few maternity bottoms too to get through the summer with my sanity intact. Finally we were packed. The truck was ready to go with everything Matt, Tucker (our dog) and I would need for the week. We went to sleep early since we had to leave at 5:30am to make the appointment in Denver and then we were hitting the road.

Well, we all know what they say about God and making plans. The first thing out of the nurse's mouth when she saw the ultrasound was "you're not going anywhere". WHAT?? Well the fluid had increased a lot. Not enough for a drain but enough that they didn't want me leaving town. I was so upset but I kind of knew that was for the best. I hadn't told Matt but I had been feeling worse and worse as the weekend had progressed. I was trying to ignore it in hopes that it would just go away, I guess. Wishful thinking, right? We set up another appointment for Wednesday and then left to figure out what we were going to do. Matt had to go for at least the wedding since he was in it. He didn't want to leave me when I was sick and could have to go to the hospital. We talked about options as we drove back home. We talked about booking a plane ticket for him on Thursday and checked prices. It was ridiculously expensive and he would miss seeing his family almost completely. We talked about him driving on Tuesday or Wednesday. We talked about him turning around and driving that day. He was so worried about me. My mom and grandma had left 4 days before so there was no one to take care of me or take me Denver as needed. We started to call around to friends. Have I mentioned yet that we have the most wonderful friends in the world? They all jumped in immediately and divided up taking care of Tucker and me. They talked to Matt and assured him they would hang out with me, bring me food (salty of course!), drive me to the doctors (hopefully not the hospital) and take Tucker for walks. He finally felt comfortable leaving and decided just to hit the road that day. I balled my eyes out after he left. I wanted to go. I wanted to see our nieces and nephew. I wanted to hang out on the lake with our friends. Most of all, I wanted not to be sick. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to be a "normal" pregnant girl.

My friends took great care of me. They watched movies with me, cooked for me, and took me out to eat. By Tuesday night I felt like hell. Again. At least I already had an appointment for the next day. My friend Kristi kept Tucker on Wednesday while Stephanie drove me to Denver. I was right. I need to go to the hospital again. I needed another god damn drain. At least I had told Stephanie to bring a book. Each hospital trip took about 5 hours plus the hour at CCRM before and the 3 hour round trip drive. She's a pretty great friend to be willing to do that and still like me through it all. The drain was the worst by far. They couldn't knock me out like I asked and Stephanie couldn't come back with me. Not to mention they got 2 1/2 liters of fluid this time.

The bright spot in Wednesday's ordeal. I got to see TWO heartbeats. I was 6w1d pregnant and the ultrasound tech thought they had just started beating. I called Matt immediately and told him. His response was awesome. "Oh my god, this is really happening, we are really having two babies." I'm pretty sure he had to sit down for awhile!

We hoped, hoped, hoped this would be the last drain.

You would think they would be starting to get easier. Yet every morning when I wake up it's pretty much the same and goes something like this.

::rolling over still half asleep::

thinks: how am I able to roll over? Where's my belly?

Reality then comes crashing down and sits on my chest like an elephant making it hard to breathe for a few seconds. How is this my reality? What have I done to deserve this reality?

Tomorrow I would have been 34 weeks pregnant. We should be getting close to bringing our babies home. We should be putting the finishing touches on the nursery and washing newborn clothes. We should have a hospital bag packed and ready. I should be laughably huge right now. We should be looking forward to our families coming to meet our babies. Now I have little to look forward to. Just what seems like an endless stream of milestones. I am dreading the entire month of February. We expected our babies to be born anytime after the first.

Some days I feel like, okay we've survived this so far, joke's over God, give me my babies back. While I know it sounds crazy I think some part of me is still holding on to hope that the babies will be here in February. Now before you call the crazy police to lock me in a padded room, know that I know this isn't going to happen. I guess I just haven't fully accepted that this is my reality forever. FOREVER. I will carry this pain every day for the rest my life. Some days it just feels like too much. Today is one of those days.

When I left the story last I had just had my first drain for OHSS and we had just found out we were PREGNANT!!

OMG were we excited! I was finally pregnant. Finally. The shots, the doctor's appointments, even the fluid from OHSS was all worth it. We were finally going to have a baby. My EDD was March 2, 2011 or 3/2/11 which I thought was a very cool date.

Sunday night was amazing. I could eat. I could breathe. I could sleep. Oh yeah, and I was pregnant (did I mention that yet?!) By Monday things started to turn again. I could tell fluid was building up again. I just hoped it wasn't as bad as Saturday. I called the nurse and she moved my ultrasound and bloodwork appointments up to earlier the next day instead of in the afternoon. She said there might be more fluid but it was very rare for someone to have enough fluid build up in 48 hours for another drain, just keep drinking gatorade and eating salty foods. She added to sleep propped up so I could breathe easier. As the day dragged on things got worse. As night approached we hoped it wouldn't be as bad as Saturday night. We didn't think they would be because the nurse had said that it was very rare, right? Wrong. The night was almost as bad as Saturday. I didn't throw up but I was miserable and in extreme pain.

We made the long drive to the clinic first thing Tuesday morning. I vowed if I needed to go to the hospital I was using any and all wheelchairs provided. Well the ultrasound showed what we knew already, there was a ton of fluid in my abdomen and lungs again. The nurses and doctors were shocked. It was very rare for the fluid to build up again this fast. I had a very severe case of OHSS. But they said no one ever needed more than 2 drains so things should improve after this. They checked my hormone levels. My estrogen was over 6,000 (normal early pregnancy levels should be about 500) and my progesterone was over 500 (normal is about 25-50). The doctor said I could stop all hormone supplements. Ummm, ya think? The great news was my beta level. It was 177! It had more than doubled. My nurse began to hint that there were probably 2 babies growing based on my numbers. I was 9dp5dt or 13 days past ovulation or 3 weeks 6 days pregnant. All pain was forgotten. I was really pregnant. This was really happening!

The doctor was concerned that my level of dehydration combined with pregnancy could lead to life threatening blood clots so he wrote us a prescription for Lovenox before we left the clinic. It was another injection so the nurse quickly went over how and where to administer this shot and helped us call it into a Target nearby. The pharmacist informed us that the drug wasn't covered by insurance and was pricey. Like $50 a day pricey. Sweet. We had no choice so we told them to fill just enough to get me through the next few days to give us time to talk to the insurance company and see what we could do about coverage. We headed over to the hospital. Since it was a weekday we were admitted to the day surgery center and an IV was started. The same radiology nurse was working and came to take me to the procedure room. We got to share the amazing news with her since we were still waiting on results when we had seen her last. It was incredible to say those words aloud. A different doctor performed the procedure and it was more painful that on Sunday. My insides were inflamed and more sensitive since they had gone in at the same spot less than 48 hours ago. They got two more liters. Did I mention that abdominal fluid looks like beer? Matt thought my first drain looked like Sam Adams. Today's fluid looked like good ol' bud. Again I immediately felt better. I could handle the pain of the drain because this would be my last right?

We headed back home and called family and close friends on the way to share the good news. Everyone had been such a big part of this journey that we wanted them to be a part of the celebration. It was still amazing to say those words out loud. We had an appointment the next day. CCRM wasn't taking any chances. They wanted to see me everyday that week to make sure my hormone levels weren't continuing to rise and the fluid was going down. By Wednesday I still felt pretty good as we drove down for the appointment. My mom and grandma went with me since Matt had already missed so much work. My bloodwork showed that my estrogen and progesterone levels were stabilizing and my pregnancy hormones were rising at a very quick rate. The ultrasound showed some fluid but not enough to drain. They hoped it would stabilize and start being reabsorbed. We were sent home. That's when things started to get bad again.

It was beginning to feel like a bad episode of the twilight zone. And the pain, OMG the pain. Every breath hurt. Every movement hurt. We knew what Thursday's ultrasound check would bring. Another hospital trip. Another drain. In addition the lovenox shots burned when they went in and left huge red welts all over my belly. As if I wasn't in enough pain.

We were right. Everyone in the clinic was shocked. I had a very very severe case of OHSS. One of the worst they had ever seen. Great. We asked how long this could go on. Their response was not what we wanted to hear. It could last as long as the first trimester or another 8 weeks. We looked at each other and knew we would lose it if this continued for that long. The doctors hoped that my body would start reabsorbing the fluid soon.

We headed over to the hospital for yet another drain. The staff was getting to know us pretty well by now. The pain during the drain was the worst so far. The radiologist said it was because my insides were bruised from the trauma of the other two drains in the same spot. All the fluid kept pooling on the right side because my left ovary was bigger than my right and was pushing all the fluid that way. In addition to the two liters of fluid both my ovaries were around the size of grapefruits. They drained another 2 liters off and this time it looked like coors light.

As hard as all this was, I knew we would get through this because we were going to have a baby!

Oh the questions. I think those are the hardest part. I'm not talking about my questions about all this (and believe me there are plenty) or even the questions from family and friends. I'm talking about questions from strangers. They seem so innocent on the surface. They should have easy answers, answers that don't make the person uncomfortable and don't bring me to tears. They should have answers that I can say without choking up. But they don't.

Yesterday I took my car in to get the oil changed and walked over to a small, local coffee shop to get some tea and read while my car was being worked on. This is a coffee shop I frequent. I have been there with friends since the boys died. Heck, I even ordered the coffee for the funeral from this shop. I have spoken to the owner and her mother (an employee at the shop) often over the last year since they opened. But I have never been there alone for a long period of time when no one else was in the store. The mother and I were making small talk and then I went on to read my book. Suddenly she asks, "You're a teacher at the local school right?" I replied that I had been for the past 3 years but I wasn't teaching this year. "Are you enjoying your time off? Or do you miss teaching?" she asked. I paused. I thought. I hesitated. I choked up. She waited for an answer. Now I had to say something since I had taken so long. How do I phrase this? How do I not cry in front of a total stranger? How do I answer without making her feel bad for asking? IT'S AN EASY QUESTION. But it doesn't have an easy answer. Not for me.

Am I enjoying my time off? I was when I was pregnant and planning for my little family's future. I was when I could spend my days shopping online for the best deals on baby gear and picking out the items to go on our registry. I was when I could watch my belly growing and moving with my babies inside. I was not enjoying my time off when I was in the hospital with contractions. I was not enjoying my time off when I was being air lifted to Denver. I was not enjoying my time off when I was delivering my babies to die. I was not enjoying my time when I was planning their funerals.

But what about now? The worst has happened, the nursery is cleared out, the funerals have past, my babies are buried in the ground. Now what? Now am I enjoying my time?

Not really but can I fathom having to face a classroom full of kids everyday, not at all. Do I want to work? Not really. Am I busy? Yep. Right now the medical bills are pouring in. Did you know at 70 mile helicopter ride to Denver costs $21,500? Seriously. You practically need a degree in medical billing to understand the explanation of benefits and the bills. You need to check everything carefully against your plan to make sure they are charging you correctly. It sucks. Do I want to do it? No. Do I have to? Yep. The details of life are so hard to handle right now. Bills, mail, cleaning, grocery shopping, taking care of the little stuff, heck even getting out of bed. It takes so much energy that I don't have anything left to go to work. Life feels like work.

So how did I answer her? I told our story. I was pregnant with twins. We decided I wouldn't work. The funeral we ordered coffee for was my babies. I delivered them November 7 at 23 weeks 4 days gestation. I cried. I felt terrible for making her feel bad. I explained through my tears that I was sorry. And I was. I am. I'm sorry the easy questions are hard. I'm sorry my story makes others feel bad. I'm sorry they feel sorry for me. I don't want their pity. I want this not to be my story. Their questions always lead to my biggest question. WHY?

2 months ago today I had been up all night laboring. 2 months ago today I delivered 2 of the most beautiful babies the world has ever know. 2 months ago today I became a mother. 2 months ago today was both the best and the worst day of my life. 2 months ago today my life changed forever. It doesn't seem right that I have lived in this world for 2 months without my babies. I feel so lost.

Our story continues...

Coming home after the embryo transfer was awesome. We had been in Denver for almost 10 days and it was so nice to be in our own space. I climbed in bed and stayed there for 2 days. My mom and Matt took great care of me. We spent the days watching movies in bed and hanging out. I did everything Dr. Surrey and the nurses had told me to do. I drank tons of water and gatorade (I hate gatorade!). I ate salty foods (I love french fries!). I was only on prescribed bedrest for 2 days but some doctors recommend up to 5 days. Since it was summer and I wasn't working and my mom was here we decided I would stay on the couch for 5 days just to be safe. Matt's parents decided to surprise us on Wednesday and came from Minnesota for a visit until Saturday. We spent the week watching movies, hanging out, and talking about a future that included a little one(s).

As the week progressed, my belly bloat grew and grew. By Friday, I was pretty uncomfortable and had gained 3 lbs overnight. It hurt when I laid down. It was uncomfortable to walk around. I called the nurse to discuss my symptoms. She said it sounded like mild OHSS. She said to keep pushing gatorade, eating salty foods, and monitoring my weight. More than 5 lbs in 24 hours or if I couldn't breathe or started throwing up meant call back. The plan was to check for fluid on Tuesday when I came in for my 1st blood draw to check pregnancy hormone levels. It was hard to push fluids and eat because I was so bloated and uncomfortable. By Saturday morning I had gained another 4 lbs. I couldn't lay down flat and still breathe and I was miserable. I called the nurse again. We pushed up my appointment to Monday. She repeated the same instructions. By Saturday afternoon I couldn't even get up off the couch to hug my inlaws goodbye. I felt horrible. My belly looked 4-5 months pregnant.

Going to bed Saturday night was an exercise in pillow art. It took forever and at least 6 pillows to prop me up to a somewhat comfortable position. As the minutes ticked by I felt worse and worse. At 11pm I started to throw up. I barely made it to the bathroom. I kept asking Matt for a rubber band or for him to pull my hair back. He couldn't figure it out. Silly boys. I threw up on and off for an hour. I couldn't make it back to the bedroom. All I could do was lay on the bathroom floor. Matt had to pull me up when I needed to throw up again because I couldn't move. The pain was unbearable. I truly didn't know if I'd make it through the night. In hindsight, we should have called the on call doctor at CCRM right then. Instead we decided we could make it until the clinic opened at 7am. By 1am the throwing up had slowed enough that Matt could help me back into bed. We propped me up with pillows again and Matt ran to get a bucket just in case. If I had only know how close that blue bucket and I would grow over the next few months.

The pain was unbearable. I shifted over and over again trying to relieve it. I threw up over and over again. Speaking from now this pain was way, way worse than labor. Way worse. I thought I was going to die. By 6 am I couldn't take it anymore. We decided to hit the road since it was an hour and a half drive anyway and I didn't care what they said. They had to do something. I weighed myself just so we'd have all the facts when we talked to the doctors. 8 lb weight gain in 24 hours. Not good.

The ride was miserable. I alternated between screaming at Matt to slow down because the curves and bumps caused such an increase in the already unbearable pain and screaming at him to hurry up because we had to get there faster. It's a good thing he loves me. We called the doctor at 7am when they opened and told them we were about a half hour away. It seemed like it took days to get to the clinic. By the time we finally got there I couldn't even stand up straight to walk inside. I could barely breathe. The receptionist took one look at me and sent me straight back to ultrasound.

The tech barely had to touch the wand to my distended belly to see huge pockets of fluid everywhere. My nurse was luckily there that day and rushed in. She took one look at the scan and went to get Dr. Schoolcraft. He came in and diagnosed me with OHSS. He explained that we would need to get bloodwork done there and then head over to the hospital across the street so that I could have the fluid drained. Since it was the weekend we would need to be admitted to OB for the day and taken down to radiology from there. I walked (hobbled really) over to the lab to have my blood drawn. Even though it was two days early they decided to run a pregnancy test as well. My nurse whispered that it was probably positive with how fast the fluid had accumulated. In the midst of all my misery, this was the best thing ever. They had a really hard time drawing blood because I was so dehydrated. IV fluids were prescribed at the hospital to rehydrate me. So off we went.

We checked in at the ER desk and waited while they called the OB floor to come get me and take me up. When the OB nurse came down she asked if I wanted a wheelchair. *dumbest move ever comes next* I said no (stupid pride) I could walk. Well I made it about 50 yards before turning to Matt and saying "Um I don't feel so good. Maybe I need a wheelchair". And then I hit the ground. Luckily Matt had grabbed my arms so he could ease me down. Well, standard hospital procedure when someone collapses is to put an all call throughout the hospital. Within seconds I was surrounded by doctors and nurses. I was rushed to the ER where it took 4 tries and finally a flight nurse to start an IV. I had fainted because of dehydration. I felt incredibly stupid so began making jokes about how I just wanted to make sure the floors were being cleaned well. Finally I was released from the ER and moved up to the OB floor.

Once there they prepped me to go down to radiology for the periocentisis or abdominal fluid drain. I cannot explain the pain and discomfort I was in. The radiology nurse was amazing. She prepped me and explained what was going to happen. Then the radiologist came in and the procedure began. They first stuck my belly several times to numb the skin. It burned like hell. They had to stick the same area over and over again with longer and longer needles to numb me deep enough for the catheter to be inserted. Each one hurt more that the one before. Finally I was numb. I didn't look but Matt said the needles were the biggest he had ever seen. They made him sit down thinking he would pass out from watching the huge needles go into his wife. He was tough though. I can't imagine how embarrassing it would have been for both of us to pass out in the hospital on the same day! I was already getting "That was you?" comments from staffers since they had all heard the call. They inserted the catheter and attached it to a vacuum sealed bottle when they released the clip on the line fluid began squirting into the bottle. It looked like beer, a Sam Adams to be exact. They drained 2 liters of fluid out of me. The relief was incredible. I could breathe. I could move. I was hungry! I was taken back up to OB to finish receiving IV fluids to rehydrate me and to hopefully keep my veins from dumping more fluid into my belly and lungs.

Once we were settled into the room I had to pee for the first time in forever. This was a good sign. As I dragged my IV pole into the bathroom my phone started to ring. Isn't that always the way? It was CCRM with my lab results. Matt answered it. Our nurse Tonie shared the good news. Our first beta was 87.4!!! We were pregnant!! And I was on the toilet. Which I guess is how most women find out they're pregnant but still. I quickly finished and had Matt pass me the phone to get all the details. I was pregnant, very pregnant. My hormone levels were also off the charts which happens with OHSS. My estrogen was in the 6000s (normal is around 500) and my progesterone was in the 500s (normal around 25). No wonder I felt like crap. We made an appointment for Tuesday to check fluid and bloodwork again.

We hugged and cried and hugged and cried some more. Then we told everyone that walked in the room that we were PREGNANT. We were thrilled. After we were released we headed home where I greeted my mom with a "Hi Grandma!" which thoroughly confused my grandma who was also standing there. It took a minute for it to sink in for them and then there were more tears and hugs and smiles. We called Matt's parents to share the good news. We asked everyone to keep it quiet until we got Tuesday's results to make sure things were doubling appropriately. We had shared our journey with all friends and family but no one was expecting results until Tuesday anyway. I felt great that whole night and was on cloud nine!

That's what it feels like my life has become. A series of "insteads". I should be 32 weeks pregnant instead my babies have been gone for almost 2 months. Or take last night for example. I should have been at a private session with a lactation consultant who specializes in breastfeeding multiples. Instead I was at a grief counselor mourning the death of my babies.

We were getting ready to head to Denver last night for a session with our counselor when my phone rang. It was a Denver number so I assumed it was our counselor and answered it. Wrong. It was the lactation consultant with whom I had forgotten we had an appointment scheduled. She was calling to make sure we were on our way. I told her I had delivered the boys in November at 23 weeks 4 days assuming that said it all. I was actually feeling a little proud of myself because with some major lip biting I was able to get through it without crying. Wrong again. She replies "oh don't worry about not calling you've been busy. Now tell me all about the babies. How are they doing?" Ummm... what. Shock. Horror. Cue hysterical tears. I finally choked out that they had died the same day. She, of course, was very apologetic at that point. But then she KEPT TALKING. Asking if we were seeing someone, if she could help, etc. Dude! Just let me off the phone. I have never met you. I have only spoken to you twice before. Please just stop talking, I'm hysterical and it's not easy to carry on a conversation this way.

Then we had to go to counseling. All in all, I was very spent last night. I wonder how many more moments like that are out there just waiting to blindside me.

Two posts in one day. I'm on fire. I'm going to break from our story for this post and talk about now.

I had my final postpartum visit with my OB yesterday. There were some awful things that happened because her staff is a bunch of morons but I don't want to get into that now. Everything is healing well physically which is good and we are cleared for sex. My initial response to that was something along the lines of this:


I still think she's crazy if she thinks I'm ready. Maybe soon but jeez! It still feels like yesterday that I delivered.

We asked all the questions that have been spinning around our heads in the last eight weeks, especially the ones about trying again. Matt is ready to go but I'm terrified. I can't imagine being pregnant again. It's too scary. What if this happened again? How would I live through it again? Would I live through it again? She wants us to wait 3-6 months at least. ^ months is out of the question because that would put us on the exact same week timeline as the boys and I'm pretty sure that would lead to me needing to be locked in a padded room for the pregnancy and heavily drugged. So it would have to happen before or after the 6 month mark. Of course I have to be emotionally ready first. How to I get there?

She seems to believe (and Matt does too) that the severe OHSS and 5 drains (I'm getting there in the story) plus the severe morning sickness plus the multiple pregnancy was just too much for my body. There is no official diagnosis of why preterm labor started. This is her best guess. She is really confident that a natural frozen embryo transfer that eliminates that chance of OHSS and a single pregnancy would be successful. It all makes sense logically. However, logic doesn't erase the deep in the gut fear.

My one big sticking point is that my hair fell out. I mean REALLY started to fall out 2 weeks before I delivered. She had me come in when I called about it (yep I'm that crazy OB patient that calls about everything) and tested my thyroid which came back normal. She says there isn't really anything else it could be and just chalked it up to hormone changes. But, hello! That's a post-partum symptom.

What if my hair started to fall out in the middle of the next pregnancy? What if contractions started early again? What if what if what if what if? Those words play over and over again in my head. I don't know how to get past the fear. I want to be a mom to living children but how do I make that leap?

Needles during an IVF cycle are kind of like green eggs and ham with Sam I am. For our first shot on Saturday morning we set the alarm just in case we overslept. We washed our hands a million times. We put the dog outside just so he didn't get in the way. We read and reread the directions. We watched an online video (again) just to make sure. We prepped the shot together, double checking every step. Matt had to do it because I couldn't. He bent down eye level with my belly and squeezed that inch of flesh while I squeezed my eyes shut and held on to the kitchen counter. The shot went in without a hitch and we slowly counted the prescribed seconds before removing the needle. The first few shots went like this. We could only do them at home without anyone else around, still not even the dog. Fast forward a week, I could do them myself. I could do them on a boat (yep that's true), I could do them in bar, I could do them in car, I could let my friends do them. After a month of shots (more on that later), I could do them anywhere.

Well those shots did their job and did it well. At all monitoring appointments (an hour and half drive away everyday) things looked good, too good in fact. I had over 25 measurable follicles. They were all growing nicely as was my pooch. Good thing it was summer and I had stocked up on loose dresses for this very reason. The doctors kept scaling back the dosages of my meds even though I was already on super low doses. They also added another med to help things coast (yay another daily shot!). By Sunday, June 6th I was ready for the trigger shot and scheduled for an egg retrieval on Tuesday, June 8th.

ER wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. It was relatively quick and painless. They got 19 eggs. Apparently I had some cysts and empty follicles but were really happy with this number. I apparently came out of the OR talking. I had told them anesthesia didn't work so well on me but they were still surprised that I recovered so quickly. We were released to go back to the hotel and rest for the day while we waited for the fertilization report the next morning.

The next morning we anxiously awaited the call from the embryologist. He finally called around 10am which seemed like forever. Out of the 19 eggs, 12 were mature and fertilized normally. 12 embryos was good. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for more with all the follies they were measuring during monitoring. We crossed our fingers that they all continued to grow and that we'd have a day 5 transfer and some frosties. On Friday, we got another call from the embryologist. We had 10 embryos that were all looking great. 2 hadn't made it. We were set for a 5 day transfer on Sunday at 10am. They wanted us there at 8am for an ultrasound since they were slightly concerned that ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome might be an issue (we had been warned that this could be an issue all along since there were no fertility issues with me and I had responded so strongly to the stim drugs). We were also scheduled for acupuncture at 9am. We were so excited. We knew that this would be it. We had decided to transfer 2 embryos and somehow I just knew it would work. We could barely contain ourselves. My mom and Grandma were coming in town that night to be around to help after the transfer when I was on bedrest. We spent a nice evening at my cousin's hanging out with family.

We could barely sleep Saturday night from the excitement. On Sunday we were at the clinic right at 8am. During the ultrasound they found a small bit of free fluid. Dr. Surrey wasn't in yet and wouldn't be until right at 10am since I was the only transfer of the day. The nurses said they weren't sure if he would proceed with the transfer since the fluid could be a sign that I might be developing a slight case of OHSS (snort) (you'll understand later). We went back and forth about proceeding with acupuncture since we didn't know if there would even be a transfer. Finally we decided to move forward as if transfer was going to happen. After acupuncture, Dr. Surrey arrived and discussed the fluid with us. He said that it could mean I was beginning to develop a slight case of OHSS (again, snort) or it could just resolve itself and be nothing. He felt comfortable moving ahead with the transfer but it was up to us. Since we trusted him (we trusted him!) we went ahead and transferred 2 perfect embryos. 6 other embryos were also perfect and ready for freezing. They would continue to watch the other 2 and freeze them the next day if they were ready. The embryos were beautiful. It was so cool to be able to see them on the screen and then watch with the ultrasound as they were transferred into me. We did one more acupuncture treatment and then went home for a few days of bedrest. I was told to drink gatorade and eat salty foods and protein to help resolve the fluid issue. I was to monitor my weight daily and call if I gained more than 5 lbs in 24 hours or if breathing became difficult. My first beta was scheduled for Tuesday, June 22.

This post is our history with IF (the short-ish version)

We started on the path to start a family like any other couple, happy, hopeful, and blissfully ignorant. I stopped taking the pill in September 2008. We hoped/expected to be pregnant soon. We began to plan for our future including a new baby. Each cycle that passed chipped away at that hope. After six months, I started acupuncture to try to help things along. After another six months, we started to talk about seeing my OB for testing. Getting to the point where we needed testing was devastating. There were many tears shed along the way as each cycle passed. We couldn't believe it was taking so long and hoped there was an easy solution. Boy were we wrong.

My OB did a few initial fertility tests on me in October 2009. Everything came back normal. She recommended having a semen analysis done. This test was the first of many things that we learned could not be done where we live. We would have to travel to Denver for Matt to have the test done. We were leaving for a quick weekend trip to Minneapolis in a few weeks so we decided to schedule the test in Denver on the Monday after we got back and we would stay in a hotel Sunday night. On Monday, we went to Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (Rose location) and had the test done. They would send the results to my OB by my next appointment on Wednesday evening. At my annual exam on Wednesday we discussed next steps if the SA was normal, which we assumed it was. The plan was monitored clomid cycles with possible IUIs. At the end of the appointment I asked about the SA results. She checked her faxes from the day and found the results. All plans changed then. Counts was low, motility was low, and morphology was extremely low. IVF with ICSI would be our only option. It could not be done where we live. We were referred back to CCRM in Denver.

*insert many tears and long conversations here*

We set up an initial consult with Dr. Surrey at CCRM (Lone Tree location) for December. Dr. Surrey agreed with the recommendation for IVF with ICSI. He thought our chances of success were really good because there were no known issues with me. We just needed ICSI to develop fertilized embryos. We would also need a full day of additional tests before we could proceed. We completed all necessary testing in February. It was a crash course in needles, blood draws, vag cams, and medical terminology.

We were excited to begin but with my job as a teacher and an hour and a half drive to the clinic each way we knew we would have to wait til the end of the school year to cycle. In May I started birth control pills and was sent the calendar for our cycle and the prescriptions for all the drugs needed. The box of drugs that was delivered was huge and intimidating but exciting too because we knew it was the start of actually building our family. At the end of May I went down for the baseline testing for our IVF cycle. All things looked good and we were cleared to start stim meds that weekend...