This is one of a series of posts designed to support students and teachers looking at the Love and Relationships unit of the OCR Classical Civilization A-level. You can find all the posts in the series by clicking on the OCR Seneca hashtag.
When we expand our sense of what counts as a relationship for Seneca, we naturally come to the concept of friendship – a close relationship with another human. There’s a challenge for Stoicism here – friends run into the same problem as spouses when considered as indifferents, in that having friends might be considered a preferred indifferent, but it’s not something that’s necessary for virtue.
The Stoic sage, as you may recall, is entirely self-sufficient – he has everything within himself that he needs in order to live a good, a rational and a happy life. However, if this is the case, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask whether there is any point in having relationships with other humans – does that mean that friendships aren’t worthwhile? If it’s any consolation, this is exactly the question that Seneca puts in the mouth of Lucilius when he writes to him in the Moral Epistles, where he begins Letter 9 by saying “you desire to know whether Epicurus is right when, in one of his letters, he rebukes those who hold that the wise man is self-sufficient and for that reason does not stand in need of friendship” (trans. Gummere). The word Gummere translates as ‘in need of’, indigere, is a bit stronger than I think the English quite manages; ‘require’ might be better here, or ‘feel the absence of’. That is, the Stoics argue that the wise man will not mind if he does not have friends, because he is self-sufficient; Epicurus was clearly unconvinced by the argument.
In order to buy into the Stoic position, I think you also need to buy into the principle of indifferents. It isn’t that the wise man will not seek out friends if he is given the opportunity, or that he does not think that friendship has a value; it is that if, for whatever reason, he finds himself isolated on a desert island or left alone in the city during the summer, the absence of friends will not impact or damage his virtue, and thus his happiness. Since friends are a preferred indifferent, we will seek friendship; since they remain, nonetheless, an indifferent, if there are no friends (or no suitable friends) available, then that will not affect our ability to behave rationally and pursue virtue.
I mention the importance of suitable friends because the question of who one spends time with is something that Seneca feels is important for Lucilius (along with his wider readership) to get his head around in the Moral Letters. He addresses this question right at the beginning of the collection, in Letter 3. The scenario Seneca sets up is that Lucilius has sent him a letter via someone described as an amicus or ‘friend’, but at the same time has told him not to discuss anything about Lucilius with him. This gives Seneca a springboard to essentially ask why on earth Lucilius is calling him a friend if he’s nothing of the kind, as if you call someone you don’t trust as you trust yourself, then you haven’t actually understood the true nature of friendship (3.2).
Seneca goes on to give guidance for how to make friends – think over whether to admit a person as a friend for a long time, but when you have made that decision, open up your whole self to them, and share all your worries and concerns (3.2-3). When you are with a friend, you should feel like you are with yourself (3.3). This is a very different standard of friendship than that which pervaded elite Roman circles, where amicitia formed an important part of the social obligations between politicians and business partners – Seneca asks for friendship to become elevated into something precious which supports us and guides us, not something that is cheaply given. In this, Seneca’s attitude to friendship is very similar to his attitude to marriage. Both friendship and marriage themselves, as abstract constructs, are indifferents; what makes the difference is the moral qualities of the people who enter into those relationships.