loving maddie & ava

The moment I saw the positive pregnancy test with Maddie, I became a mother. From that moment on, my soul mission was to bring home that little baby that we had hoped and prayed for. Sadly, we brought her home in a way neither one of us expected.

Last year Mother's Day brought me dread, anxiety and mostly fear. I feared who would acknowledge that I am a mom--even though I am without a child. Acknowledgment came from who I needed it most--my partner for life gave me the validation I so desperately needed in the form of a card that said I was a great mom to Maddie and did everything right and that he loved me so much. The rest of the world didn't get it so much. If your child isn't visible--how can you call yourself a mom? I hate that thought so much.

This year the world is more comfortable acknowledging me as a mom since I am pregnant. My worst fear was confirmed by a family member who I am sure meant no harm, but yet tore my heart a little bit.

I was simultaneously wished happy mother's day and in the next breath hear these words: "next year it will be for real." WHAT?

My immediate reaction was to look away like I had been slapped in the face. I desperately wanted to say no, that isn't true. It's for real now and was for real last year and the year before when I was just pregnant with Maddie. My heart aches for my daughter more now especially since I am trying so hard to ensure the safe passage of this baby into the world. My husband and I had to make the hardest parenting decision no parent should ever make for her child--how to bury her. Even though our time for parenting was cut short, that does not take away her existence from the world.

Ultimately what others think doesn't matter. Words are often said flippantly and not meant to hurt but often do. I am Madalyn's mom. I am this baby's mom. Although you can't see my children, I love, pray and hope for the best for them with every fiber in my soul.

On this Mother's Day, I want to acknowledge every woman who has the desire to be a mother, wanted to be a mother but was unable, had miscarriages without successful live births, decided to remain childless, lost a baby, had all healthy babies, adopted and every other single form of motherhood that may exist. Happy mother's day to you. You are loved.