One year ago our world was once again turned upside down. I feel compelled to write something to honor Ava's short time with us, but find myself unable to make the words flow.
I feel guilty. I mostly feel guilty that I have not honored Ava's memory as much as I did Maddie. I don't have her birth/death certificate framed yet. I felt overwhelmed with all of the "dead baby" stuff we accumulated from two stillbirths and put a lot of it away. It's just all too much...the fact that our two precious babies both died before they were born...the fact that it's possible to carry on with all this heartache...the between.
The between is all the time of unknown.The between is not happy or peaceful. It's a time of uncertainty and is fucking miserable.
The grasp of the between seems to be lessening. I am trying to let hope in...trying to find the old me buried beneath it all.
I never thought this would be my reality, but it is and that's ok. It's unfair and tragic, but life has gone on and the only thing to do is to keep on and let hope in.
Love you to the moon and back and miss you every moment.
<3 Ava <3 7/7/12
<3 Maddie <3 11/30/10
Bear with me, it’s been a while.
8 years ago
