I knew what she meant. I have two different purposes for blogging. One as a mama documenting life. One as a person with a deep love for pondering and processing the stirrings and lessons and truths of this journey I am on as a wife, mother, friend, 30-something, follower of Jesus. This mama has been documenting her chicks and sincerely enjoying the ease that comes with popping up pictures and typing in captions. But the processor in me, who enjoys the challenge of forcing myself to articulate the hard things, has been quiet for awhile. And not for lack of stirring, that is absolutely the opposite. There has been so so much going on in my little corner of the world, within the confines of my quiet heart. I have sensed deep change and focus and perspective taking root, but the words to explain it? They aren’t coming.

Or maybe I just don’t have the quietness of mind or time to find them.

I’m not sure which.

But sometimes growth can occur even when it is never articulated. Even when the lessons learned never once found their form in spoken words, even when truth that you know took root in your heart never actually passed from your lips in a way that satisfied how profoundly meaningful you found it to be. Still the heart can be changed, and the person can find themselves in a new phase of their journey.

Somehow I feel like that is how life is playing out for me these days. I may not be able to tell you how, but I am seeing things newer.

It’s words like ‘simplicity’. A strong sense of knowing that I can now quiet the surging panic that rises in my heart when I come across writings, or experiences, or projects, or accomplishments that whisper to me ‘you can DO that, you should be DOING that’. I can somehow reconcile the blurry lines of being someone who loves to create, take on challenges, do things well and strive for A LOT out of this life…with a calm ‘letting go’ that comes in phrases like, “now is not the time, I do not need to, and this is enough.” Life is longer than all of that impatience.

I do not need to be seen by everyone. I am seen by Him.

It’s words like ‘journey’. A deep sense of knowing that has washed over me like waves of peace, chasing away so much of the fear and doubt and guilt that has racked my first 6 years as a parent, leaving smooth sand in its place. My kids are on a journey. They will not change over night, they will not understand all at once; they will have good days and bad days. Days when I see it clicking, many when they seem to hear nothing at all. Their little hearts will take in bits of truth over years and decades of faithful modeling, and like tiny seeds it will root and grow and I will rejoice in the moments I see seedlings sprouting. But I will not crumble when I see nothing. I will not worry how my children's behavior looks on a daily basis; I will pray and focus on their hearts over time.

They are HIS and they are on their own journey with Him.

This blog of mine is it’s own process. Do I need to put this on here? Some of you do not care to know me like this. It is wordy and heavy and dramatic and unnecessary, and I pretend for courage’s sake that you are not reading. Some of you fully understand these sorts of posts but your blogs are cohesively things of this nature so it does not feel so schizophrenic when you write. And not comparing myself to you has been part of my ‘letting go’.

I will not worry about who sees sides of me they don’t understand, or about what parts of me go unseen by so many.

I will write when it feels right. I will process when I can, and when there are too many children's voices in my head to hear my own... I will accept that God is changing me without even understanding how.

Thanks for the ‘push’ my friend.

Today Jude and Cooper are 20 months old.

It's kind of an odd age to document, except for me it feels like a distinct milestone. See, Macy was 20 months when Carter was born. And so I distinctly remember how big I thought she was. I remember how much she was talking and what she was capable of and what a little personality I felt she'd already developed. See this post for exhibit 'A'. For this reason I definitely noted when Carter turned 20 months and began to really see him as older too. See Exhibit 'B' for his little word explosion. And so it is easy for me to look at the twins now as they've hit that 20 month mark and see the similarities and differences. I just can't believe they are already there. I absent minded-ly still refer to them as 'the babies' all.the.time. I suppose that won't likely change any time soon. In fact don't be surprised if in 17 years you receive a high school graduation announcement for 'the babies'.. it's gonna be a tough one to drop, I can tell. But I'll do my best :)

For fun I pulled out pics of all four kids at 20 months, to compare. None of them are exact replicas of any other one but you can see the similarities don't you think? So funny how many combinations of features two people can make, yes?



And while I was on the train I figured I'd put a 20 month pic of Macy and Carter next to a current pic of them. So much of their itty bitty faces still right there in their kid versions. (especially Carter, I mean how hilarious is that?!) Anyway, makes me excited to see the babies in 5 years.

Ha! Babies. Yes I did that on purpose, reeeelax sheesh.



So Cooper and Jude. My little buddies. Happy 20 month birthday to you two. I will try to start letting you grow up and out of the baby stage a teeny tiny bit.





It's gonna be hard though. I would love to bottle up your sweet little squishy faces and keep you right here. I am having SO much fun with you.