To my married friends everywhere.
I have been reminded lately how incredibly much we all need to be encouraging each other in our marriages. My heart has been heavy and my mind has been full as I realize just how much God has taught me over the course of my marriage so far, and how many things have had to be learned with such pain and wrestling. But how incredibly glad I am standing on this side of some of those battles, so glad that we stuck and continue to stick it through. It is heart breaking to watch as year after year I see more and more people I know, people my age, who've been married the same amount of time as me, going through struggles they simply must think they can't survive. And as I watch them throw in the towel, I worry that maybe they just thought they were alone, maybe they thought other couples don't struggle like them, and so they figured 'might as well quit now because we're clearly broken as a couple'. And I just wish I could shout out amongst them, "You are not alone! You are not broken! Just keep fighting for it!"
Oh my friends. Marriage is a journey. It is a PUSH. It is long, and it is HARD and it is meant to be that way.
Ryan and I have had the privilege (aka: humbling experience of being faced with our own hypocrisy night after night as we teach on things we have no where near mastered) of doing premarital counseling for quite a few couples over the past couple years. One of the most common questions/statements we have come across from these sparkly-eyed optimists is, "Well, I don't really see how all that much is going to change once we're married."
We often spend a good chunk of time on this question because people have all different reasons for thinking it and most are fairly convinced no matter how long we talk that they are infact the exception to the rule. Ryan and I were no different when we were engaged. Their rationale goes something like this: We are already committed to eachother and have been for a really long time. We know everything about eachother, we've already learned how to fight and work things out, we communicate really well and besides the logistics of living together (if they don't already) and sleeping together (if they don't already) how much can really be that different?
Here is what I tell young brides.
The difference is intangible. It is an attitude, a shift in focus and what it really changes, is well, everything. Before you are married, you two have a common goal.
To. Get. Married.
When something bugs you, when you fight, when you get your feelings hurt.. You have a very real motivation to move past, to work, to keep trying. You are not going to quit because, well, you WANT to get married. Obviously. Otherwise you could just as easily break up. You have a reason to sacrifice, you have a reason to push.
Once you are married, most couples lose sight of what in the world they are to do next. There doesn't seem to be a 'next step' in marriage. In life maybe, yes. There's kids and a house and more money and vacations and retirement. But you will quickly learn those goals end up having nothing to do with your motivation towards your spouse. How you treat them as you pursue those things side by side. When something irritates, when something hurts or makes you mad. Why do you have to push anymore? Why do you have to sacrifice or be uncomfortable or go through the exhausting, draining, self evaluating process of changing? Of trying? I mean you're not being awful enough to warrant divorce. And since you're already married, you're not trying to get 'more married'. So what does it matter, might as well protect your own comfort ability level as much as you can.
These are not conscious thoughts folks. These are the ugly things of our subconscious. They fill our minds with self preserving selfishness and it may take years and years for the attitudes and actions to follow but it is dangerous destructive stuff when it happens.
I am not speaking from inexperience I promise.
Here is what I know. Here is what I have seen and learned and swallowed painfully chunk by grace-filled chunk. Marriage is not about you and your spouse being as happy as you can possibly be. It is not about finding the person that will fulfill your loneliness and be the perfect companion that always 'gets' you so you 'never even have to try' with them. It is not about never having a 'tough year', it is not even about you two working together to accomplish everything you both think you've ever wanted out of life.
(Because if you've vowed to mesh your lives into one, how will you ever be able to live out two whole individual lives worth of dreams and goals and entitlements?)
It is simply about pushing. Pushing through that self-preserving layer of fear that keeps you from putting someone else before yourself. It is about continuing to try. It is about growth. It is about seeing the goal of marriage as marriage itself. But don't just stay married. Be good at it.
Try to be reeeally good at marriage.
It's harder than you think.
Because when you want to be good at marriage, you allow yourself some discomfort as you train and practice. You work on yourself. You go apologize even when you think the other should first. You seek to understand whatever 'crazy irrational' point of view your spouse is coming from, instead of figuring out one more way to try to show them how much they don't possibly get what it's like to be you. When you want to be good at marriage you are not afraid to go ask someone (like a counselor) for help when you feel like you guys may just need a bit of help getting back on track. It doesn't have to mean you've failed, it can just mean you want to learn how to do better.
Worth mentioning: Please don't be confused, you will never find the strength to do this kind of 'pushing' within yourself. You can't just 'gut up and dig deep' for this kind of trying, you will run dry too often. This kind of strength comes from the One who made us, who designed marriage and therefore knows how it best can be enjoyed. We can draw strength from Him. If you don't who He is, ask me. Please.
I have a friend I was talking with last summer. She has some difficult circumstances in her marriage at times and as she was sharing her perspective I was amazed and encouraged by her attitude. She talked of watching her parents over their long long journey of being married and how many ups and downs (and I mean crazy ups and downs!) they had been through. How they'd taken their turns being worthy of 'blame' in the marriage if you want to put it that way, but how they'd stuck together and were now in such a beautiful stage of being totally in love with eachother. She said she knew marriage was long, so much longer than a season of struggle. I was so spurred on by the strength of her commitment.
Gluing your life to another will tear at you, it's supposed to. It will shave off layers of selfishness bit by bit and it will leave you a much more complete person because of it. It's one of Life's great mysteries. But you have to STAY through the tearing to see the beauty in it. If you leave you will never experience the other side of the push. Please stay my friends. Please keep pushing. Lean IN to each other as you struggle.
I will pray for you, will you pray for me?
I have been reminded lately how incredibly much we all need to be encouraging each other in our marriages. My heart has been heavy and my mind has been full as I realize just how much God has taught me over the course of my marriage so far, and how many things have had to be learned with such pain and wrestling. But how incredibly glad I am standing on this side of some of those battles, so glad that we stuck and continue to stick it through. It is heart breaking to watch as year after year I see more and more people I know, people my age, who've been married the same amount of time as me, going through struggles they simply must think they can't survive. And as I watch them throw in the towel, I worry that maybe they just thought they were alone, maybe they thought other couples don't struggle like them, and so they figured 'might as well quit now because we're clearly broken as a couple'. And I just wish I could shout out amongst them, "You are not alone! You are not broken! Just keep fighting for it!"
Oh my friends. Marriage is a journey. It is a PUSH. It is long, and it is HARD and it is meant to be that way.
Ryan and I have had the privilege (aka: humbling experience of being faced with our own hypocrisy night after night as we teach on things we have no where near mastered) of doing premarital counseling for quite a few couples over the past couple years. One of the most common questions/statements we have come across from these sparkly-eyed optimists is, "Well, I don't really see how all that much is going to change once we're married."
We often spend a good chunk of time on this question because people have all different reasons for thinking it and most are fairly convinced no matter how long we talk that they are infact the exception to the rule. Ryan and I were no different when we were engaged. Their rationale goes something like this: We are already committed to eachother and have been for a really long time. We know everything about eachother, we've already learned how to fight and work things out, we communicate really well and besides the logistics of living together (if they don't already) and sleeping together (if they don't already) how much can really be that different?
Here is what I tell young brides.
The difference is intangible. It is an attitude, a shift in focus and what it really changes, is well, everything. Before you are married, you two have a common goal.
To. Get. Married.
When something bugs you, when you fight, when you get your feelings hurt.. You have a very real motivation to move past, to work, to keep trying. You are not going to quit because, well, you WANT to get married. Obviously. Otherwise you could just as easily break up. You have a reason to sacrifice, you have a reason to push.
Once you are married, most couples lose sight of what in the world they are to do next. There doesn't seem to be a 'next step' in marriage. In life maybe, yes. There's kids and a house and more money and vacations and retirement. But you will quickly learn those goals end up having nothing to do with your motivation towards your spouse. How you treat them as you pursue those things side by side. When something irritates, when something hurts or makes you mad. Why do you have to push anymore? Why do you have to sacrifice or be uncomfortable or go through the exhausting, draining, self evaluating process of changing? Of trying? I mean you're not being awful enough to warrant divorce. And since you're already married, you're not trying to get 'more married'. So what does it matter, might as well protect your own comfort ability level as much as you can.
These are not conscious thoughts folks. These are the ugly things of our subconscious. They fill our minds with self preserving selfishness and it may take years and years for the attitudes and actions to follow but it is dangerous destructive stuff when it happens.
I am not speaking from inexperience I promise.
Here is what I know. Here is what I have seen and learned and swallowed painfully chunk by grace-filled chunk. Marriage is not about you and your spouse being as happy as you can possibly be. It is not about finding the person that will fulfill your loneliness and be the perfect companion that always 'gets' you so you 'never even have to try' with them. It is not about never having a 'tough year', it is not even about you two working together to accomplish everything you both think you've ever wanted out of life.
(Because if you've vowed to mesh your lives into one, how will you ever be able to live out two whole individual lives worth of dreams and goals and entitlements?)
It is simply about pushing. Pushing through that self-preserving layer of fear that keeps you from putting someone else before yourself. It is about continuing to try. It is about growth. It is about seeing the goal of marriage as marriage itself. But don't just stay married. Be good at it.
Try to be reeeally good at marriage.
It's harder than you think.
Because when you want to be good at marriage, you allow yourself some discomfort as you train and practice. You work on yourself. You go apologize even when you think the other should first. You seek to understand whatever 'crazy irrational' point of view your spouse is coming from, instead of figuring out one more way to try to show them how much they don't possibly get what it's like to be you. When you want to be good at marriage you are not afraid to go ask someone (like a counselor) for help when you feel like you guys may just need a bit of help getting back on track. It doesn't have to mean you've failed, it can just mean you want to learn how to do better.
Worth mentioning: Please don't be confused, you will never find the strength to do this kind of 'pushing' within yourself. You can't just 'gut up and dig deep' for this kind of trying, you will run dry too often. This kind of strength comes from the One who made us, who designed marriage and therefore knows how it best can be enjoyed. We can draw strength from Him. If you don't who He is, ask me. Please.
I have a friend I was talking with last summer. She has some difficult circumstances in her marriage at times and as she was sharing her perspective I was amazed and encouraged by her attitude. She talked of watching her parents over their long long journey of being married and how many ups and downs (and I mean crazy ups and downs!) they had been through. How they'd taken their turns being worthy of 'blame' in the marriage if you want to put it that way, but how they'd stuck together and were now in such a beautiful stage of being totally in love with eachother. She said she knew marriage was long, so much longer than a season of struggle. I was so spurred on by the strength of her commitment.
Gluing your life to another will tear at you, it's supposed to. It will shave off layers of selfishness bit by bit and it will leave you a much more complete person because of it. It's one of Life's great mysteries. But you have to STAY through the tearing to see the beauty in it. If you leave you will never experience the other side of the push. Please stay my friends. Please keep pushing. Lean IN to each other as you struggle.
I will pray for you, will you pray for me?
Ellie took this pic with my phone at a Romance Wknd we attended last year where we wore our wedding dresses to dinner. I wish I could put it in my wedding album! :)
