Sorry this post is all Debbie Downer, but I have to get this all out.  I think if I dumped it all on Josh he would completely understand, but he needs to fix everything, and there's nothing to be fixed here, so I just needed to get this all out;
So my fear is this, my mom won't ever be able to go and do with me or my kids the way she used to.  I feel extremely selfish for feeling this way, because I realize life isn't always about me, but my mom was a huge part of it.  She is my go to baby sitter, and now I worry she won't ever be able to have Maddie Gray over to spend the night any more.  I worry that by my dad having this stroke he is going to give up.  It's so funny how quickly life changes.  Friday morning, I thought things were fine and Maddie Gray was going to spend the night at Bubbie's and then Friday afternoon things turned out so differently.  I try to be peppy & upbeat for my mom, but it's really hard not to just break down.
My sweet daddy seems so afraid and sad.  I pray he doesn't give up, because my mom would be devastated without him, but he's got to be the one to fight.  My mom, sister, and I can only fight so much for him.  How's that saying go, it's not about the dog in the fight, it's about the fight in the dog?  Well any way, I just wish my dog had more fight.  God's not ready to take him Home that's clear, but what's not so clear to me is, why.  I would never hope that my daddy pass, because as ornery as that man is, I love him, but these next 90 days are going to be so critical for him, and I don't want him to lay in bed in rehab and give up.  My mom can't stay there with him every night, and she will have to go back to work at some point, so his cheering section won't be the same.  Maybe the second chance was really for me (or our family) to stop being so angry with the fact that he HAD cancer 14 years ago.  Maybe I need to be more grateful for him, maybe I need to stop wishing the past were the present.  I can't undo all my anger from how he used to be before he was sick up until last Friday, but I can do something about my attitude from this day forward.
I also worry about my mother.  I can look at her and tell this has taken a toll on her.  She doesn't look happy, though if you were to visit she puts on a good "Tri Delta Rush Face!"  She says this is not what I (being me) signed up for, but lucky for her, I didn't sign up to be in this family at all!  I was blessed to be in this family and part of being in this family means taking care of my daddy in whatever capacity that may look like.  I can't be there round the clock with my daddy, but I don't live so far away that I can't go over and visit him during the week.
I started a blog for him so that people could stop asking my mom how he was doing, hoping they will just check the caringbridge website.  I think people do check it which is good, but I feel like I have to be upbeat and happy on there too.  I feel like if I said how I really felt, people would feel sorry for him or me or us.  I don't want pity really, I just need a place to vent and since nobody in my family is able to regularly keep up with this blog, I thought this would be the perfect place!
Okay, I'm done for now.

Amazing how one event can change your whole life.  Funny how in one breath everything is different.  Friday, my daddy had a stroke.  He managed to call my mom & she called the ambulance.  She raced home from work just in time to meet them there.  Things could have been so much worse than they are, and we are all so thankful for that.  He is still in the hospital, but will be moved to rehab facility sometime this week.  He also is regaining some mobility in his right arm and leg which is so wonderful.  Today he even managed to stand on his own.  All the PT and OT have worn him out, but I'm so proud of him for trying.  He is also working on his speech.  My sweet daddy was never a man of many words, but when he's got something to say you should probably listen!
I know this has been really tough on my mother.  I try to be her cheerleader, but she just keeps telling me she's got to keep it real.  I know she's got to "keep it real" but I also don't want her throwing herself a pity party and staying there.  I can't get down in it with her or then we're not any good to anybody.  I think him passing his swallow test yesterday and being able to have something to eat made all the difference in the world for him.  Not having anything to eat from Thursday night to yesterday will start to play ticks on your mind and your body, not to mention your will to want to do anything.  My mom said he ate a good breakfast and was eating some applesauce around 10:30.  I also took the kids up there to see him and that brought the biggest smile he could manage to his face.  Somehow, seeing little ones always perks you up, even if you don't want to be perked up!
He's had lots and lots of tests run, and we found out that it's not his heart that caused the stroke, it was scar tissue from his brain tumor.  14 years later that brain tumor is still coming back to haunt us.  We are so thankful that it was on the same side and we're not dealing with brain death on the right side.  We are also thankful that it's not his heart.  His speech is improving, but the more tired he gets, he more difficult it is to understand him.  I'm so proud of his progress today and over the last few days.  I think to be only 4 days post stroke, he's doing amazing.

I am going to try and keep this updated, especially while my dad is recovering and we try to figure out what our new normal is going to look like.  Please continue to keep my parents in your prayers during this time of healing and learning.  And if you're at all interested in keeping up with his progress, you can always visit his website at CaringBridge / Please enter your E-mail Address.www.caringbridge.orgDavid has chosen privacy settings that require you to log in. Your e-mail address allows us to see if you already have a CaringBridge profile.

I have been going to a Bible Study on Wednesday mornings since the beginning of the year. I have really enjoyed it not only because I get to leave Mac in the nursery for 2 hours, but because I get to worship completely uninterrupted! We have been doing a study on marriage from a book called Marriage Matters. I have learned so much about what the Bible says about marriage and things I should be doing in my own home. Last week we talked about sex. I never thought about the fact that because I snuggle with Mac all day and get lots of love from Maddie Gray that my emotional needs are taken care of, but where does that leave my husband? Today we talked about being submissive to your husbands. I know that word has a negative sound, but as Christian women we are called to submit to our husbands, and our husbands are to called to love us just as Christ loved the church. This doesn't mean that women are supposed to be door mats, or that we aren't to have opinions, but that we are to trust our husbands as they are the leaders of our households. Lots to think about!