Sometimes I get so mad, all I want to do is punch through a wall. It sounds painful, right, so I don't do it...I'm not that dumb. However, the anger inside me bubbles up literally until I feel that it might pour out of me. I won't lie. I go looking for fights. Sometimes, I am so confrontational, that all I want to do is piss you off so you will get into it with me.

It's dumb.

Today is one of those days. I feel the anger swirling around inside me...it's making my stomach knot up and twist. It's making my face flush and my blood pressure rise.

Anger is something I need to learn to control. Right now though...all I want to do is cry, because it's all I can do.

This is one of those nights where I am literally irritated with the entire world. My children have been holy terrors today. Hannah woke up in a pissed off mood and never stopped; it was whine after whine, fight after fight.

My kids are all sick. Jack has crap in his chest that won't go away, Hannah is coughing non stop right now as we speak, Connor is hacking up a lung...I am covered in snot and have been coughed and sneezed on about a million times today by three cranky little people.

I have reached out to people this week and been shot down. I am done. I won't offer anymore help or assistance and I won't be chasing anyone anymore.

Utah sucks. I hate this place. Our house isn't selling, we haven't had any traffic, and quite frankly, my credit is so shot that I don't even care anymore if we foreclose on it.

OH, and I found out that we are bringing in less money per paycheck here in Utah thanks to the state tax and other things...so...that's just freaking great. We weren't making it in Texas on what we brought home so what now? I am done with all this crap. I am literally about to go hide in a hole and never come out.

So, I am slowly going to be integrating these posts to my new blog over at Tumblr. I don't know why I feel the need for a change, but I honestly do...something about this whole move to Utah is just making me feel the need to start a clean slate. I need a new lease on life, a new view on things...

So, head on over to the "new" blog and take a look around. Ill still be posting here but as you can tell it's slowed tremendously already. I just haven't felt right for a long time now (thanks to no meds) and I am hoping to get over there, get some insurance, and get to a doctor stat.

Shane and I head to Utah this week for a house hunting trip. No, this isn't to buy...but to find a place to rent. Blah. Oh well. It's better than the alternative (homeless) right?

I have the best friends in the world. I had posted to my Facebook that I needed to maybe invest or borrow some rolling carry on size luggage. One of my good friends back from our apartment days (when we had one kid) let me know that she had tons to let us borrow and that she could bring us over one, thus saving me the $.

She came over tonight and walked in with a really nice looking, red, rolling, luggage bag. I opened it up and there was a note inside saying "this one isn't to borrow, it's all yours."

You better believe I started to cry. Who woulda thought that a stupid piece of luggage would be enough to make me that sentimental. I literally fought back gallons of tears and hugged her tightly. It's friends like this that I will miss so very very much. Sure, I will make more friends in Utah...but it's always hard for me. I am not the most social of people, face time speaking anyway, and I honestly get to know people much better via Facebook and Twitter.

I figure that using such outlets as these make it easier for me to stop myself before saying something completely ignorant sounding...I worry that people won't like me in Utah because I am nothing like 90% of the population there.........I may be Mormon but I am not their kind of Mormon.

It scares me. I don't know if I will have many close friends there; ones that can read about my craziness and still love me. I have lots of quirks and issues. What if I don't find people that really want to put up with such things? What if I am not "perfect" enough for them?

I feel like I did when my parents told me we were moving to another city, back in the 7th grade. I was petrified. I hate new places and never foresee myself changing that about myself. I don't like not knowing where I am going, and in this case the weather or how to drive in it or how to dress in it even...

I am scared, and I miss my friends whom I haven't even left already. How am I going to be able to do this?

Depression is a nasty little bitch. I hate it. It makes me hate life. I find nothing beautiful when I feel the way I do right now. I got out at Target earlier with $20 cash in my pocket from selling a few baby items on Craigslist. I intended to use the money to buy something to bring with us to our Halloween party at church tonight, a side dish. I stood there for about three seconds staring at Target...then I turned back around and got back in the car and drove off. I couldn't even go inside; that's when you know Heather is off.

I don't know what is wrong with me, or maybe I do and deep down I don't want to talk about it all. I do know, however, that life right now for me is impossible and hard and I want to give up. My will is fading.

We have no money, bill collectors are calling me constantly, I have zero credit anymore, and now we are supposed to try and sell our home and move to Utah next month. My home; the one I worked 7 years to get...and now I have to give it all up for a job in another state. Utah. I never wanted to live there, and now I am.

I don't care anymore what happens. I really don't.

Life has just gotten so craptastically insane that I don't even think about much else but this move to Utah. As it stands currently, we have no home to move to, and will most likely not be able to sell our home here...

We are uprooting our family and taking off in the middle of the freaking holidays, probably won't have any money to spend on Christmas for the kids, and oh, yeah, I have $47 in my checking account right now to last me until next payday which, thanks to Shane's awesome direct deposit at work, is a week from today. So, $47 to last us until next Wednesday.

I hate life right now.