Marc Blackwell's Blog

 

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Marc, Stacey and Indie

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More photos and stach-y-ness to come.

Cheers!
-marc

Did you see this? This poor father... I don't know what he did to deserve this but those children should be taught a lesson...


Srsly.

A lot has come up in the past few weeks and days. It was only last Saturday that the wife and I had a huge argument, leading me down a path of mental destruction and a pity party for the ages.

Later on in the week our Landlord decides he wants to raise rent, bringing the question up of - California? This house? Cheaper rent? WTF ARE WE DOING? Today we found a place we might move in to if the new Landlords are trusty individuals.

Funny that I still have an issue saying the word "Landlord" because I have such connotations with the word, "Lord", I associate it with Jesus Christ, of whom I do not believe to be the actual son of God because I believe we are all "sons of god" and that his words were misconstrued and have been taken literally for thousands of years.

Perhaps those, my family included, haven't thought as much as I have. (and this is why they believe the christian religion) ((not to say they haven't thought, but they haven't thought THAT)

Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of done drugs.

Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of become sober.

Jesus H. Christ (a form of expression if nothing else these days) I'm adding more onto my brain's plate to think about.

And today, after a long, yet successful photo shoot, I lost the money that was paid to me. Fuck.

So my wife said the other day, "I don't think you would've married me if you hadn't of accidentally gotten me pregnant". Before she has said, and was correct in saying so, "you asked me to marry you when you were high". Her doubts, fears and accusations are all warranted, which make it hard to hear.

I love her. I have come to love this woman more than any other woman in my life. I know this, but sometimes it's hard to see it. I don't know why. I wish I could shower her with the love she deserves every waking moment of the day. I have fleeting thoughts of "I should buy her flowers just for the hell of it" but those moments pass in a flurry of tasks and chores and screaming kids and before I know it I haven't planned a date in over 2 months and she's telling me she doesn't think I love her.

Perhaps there are truths to her words. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I see my old friends back in our home town, getting drunk at the lake and having fun, while I am here breaking up fights over if one or the other child gets to watch their favorite television program. I don't know, I'm rambling.

I'm hoping writing some of this shit out helps my brain categorize the important shit and discard the unimportant.

Sometimes I have issues standing up for myself and my family. There is something I should do, but I'd rather suffer than face confrontation. (A reason I love my wife, she encourages/pushes me to be a bigger and stronger man and face those fears and stand up for what I know is right).

I'm a pessimistic bastard who is afraid of change and would rather spend more money living in a house my family is not happy in than downsize and save money to purchase a home one day we all will love.

I want to make more money but I make excuses, such as my children, to hinder me from doing so. Because I'm afraid of success? There is some truth to my words, that child raising hinders one from going out there and experimenting and charging forward with a career.

I go from one minute of being happy, to the next of being confused and depressed.

Am I an addict? I'm sitting here, listening to Dave Matthews Band (Live at Radio City, one of my favorite albums) and I'm thinking ... am I really an addict?

Musically growing up with Dave I know the guy went through spouts with cocaine, cigarettes, and loves to drink - but he's not an addict. Or at least he doesn't call himself one. He's been drinking forever, and he's not an addict - I only drank for 10 years, how can I be so sure that I'm an addict?

How I wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person. But why? Why do I "punish" myself from not having a drink here and there? How I wish I could smoke casually, whenever I wanted, and leave it alone.

I even thought tonight, I bet I could control my smoking. I didn't quit and stop that many times. Why do I think I'm an addict? Am I really an addict? I'm not as addicted as some people. I wish I didn't have this stigma of being an addict always hanging over my head.

But I've been sober for over a year. Something, be it a higher power, or coming to a low spot in my life, made me go to a 12 step meeting. That means something right?

Do I believe in anything that's put in front of my face?

HERE - God, Christianity, the Bible - believe this.

Uh...OK.

HERE - You're an ADDICT, 12 step, - believe this.

Uh...OK.

I know I have addictive tendencies. I know that I was OBSESSED with weed. I know that I lovvvvved to drink, and drink a lot. I know that it caused issues in my life. I know it caused me to lie, cheat and steal. It hurt those close to me. It affected my life negatively.

Perhaps I should go back to the NA.ORG and take the test again...

1. Do you ever use alone? Yes
 2. Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking that
one particular drug was the problem? Yes
 3. Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor
to obtain prescription drugs? Yes
 4. Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? Yes
 5. Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed? Yes
 6. Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another? Yes
 7. Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? Yes
 8. Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was
or what it would do to you? Yes
 9. Has your job or school performance ever suffered
from the effects of your drug use? Yes
10. Have you ever been arrested as a result of using drugs? No
11. Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? Yes
12. Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of
your financial responsibilities? Yes
13. Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? Yes
14. Have you ever been in a jail, hospital, or drug rehabilitation center because of your using? No
15. Does using interfere with your sleeping or eating? Yes
16. Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? Yes
17. Do you feel it is impossible for you to live without drugs? Yes
18. Do you ever question your own sanity? Yes
19. Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? Yes
20. Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time
without drugs? Yes
21. Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? Yes
22. Do you think a lot about drugs? Yes
23. Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? Yes
24. Has using affected your sexual relationships? Yes
25. Have you ever taken drugs you didn’t prefer? Yes
26. Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress? Yes
27. Have you ever overdosed on any drugs? Yes
28. Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? Yes
29. Do you think you might have a drug problem? Yes

OK, ok ok... Jesus. Calm the fuck down. I haven't been arrested or to jail, a hospital or drug rehabilitation center because of my using but I answered yes to the rest.

Fuck it - I don't want to have a "disease". I don't want to be known as an addict. I want to be able to drink with my friends, toke up and play video games, sip a whiskey by the fire, have a beer in the summer time, drink wine with my wife...

But why? I don't need to. I've proved that this past year.

I never imagined I would be a drug addict. I still think that sounds a little harsh.

13 years after trying marijuana for the first time, I never thought I'd not smoke it for 365 days straight.

Today I have been sober from weed and alcohol for 365 days.