It has been 60 days. 1 month and 30 days since I last had a sip of alcohol or a hit of weed.
It feels good ... but I can't say that I'm bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement.
A lot has happened in 60 days. I've got a sponsor, I've completed the 1st step, I've attended at least 2 meetings a week. I've gone on vacation with my family and out with my friends, I've heard negative rumors on behalf of my sobriety and still gotten in arguments with my wife. I've had blow ups, melt downs, tears of joy and moments of pride & satisfaction. I've experienced suicide, mis-carriage of close friends, witnessed a scary car accident, stopped and started smoking cigarettes and a whole lot more in between.
I feel like I'm still on a path to self destruction. Procrastination and laziness are still evil enemies on the home front. Lack of productivity fills my days - there are days when I don't do JACK SHIT. I mean, I know I'm raising my children - but I feel like I suck at that too.
I've been in a weird, somber, just ... whatever mode lately. Not happy, not sad, just in my own head.
I haven't been a very good husband lately. I sit in my office at night while my poor wife sits on the couch on her laptop. Technology could be blamed. I could be blamed. My piss poor attitude could be blamed.
I feel anger towards myself that I wasn't able to control my using. If only I could control how often I smoke and how much I drink. If only I could've controlled how often I smoked and how much I drank. If only I wasn't such an irresponsible douche bag that only thought about pot and let it get in the way of my family and friends. Now the lack of using is getting in the way of my relationships. I'm so confused.
Step two is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"... that makes more sense after 10 minutes of writing than it has in 2 weeks. I need to be restored to sanity. I need help from a Higher Power.
But it's tough because I feel like I was so involved with a God of my father, the Church of Christ Christian God that it's hard for me to find my own personal higher power. I'm reluctant to accept a higher power. I can only think that "he" is "God/Yaweh/Jesus Christ" - and I don't believe in that God any more.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The serenity prayer. One that could be applied to all aspects of thinking. I need to accept that I was powerless (still am), that my life had become unmanageable because of my using, and that I can muster up the courage to change my thinking. I can change my attitude about the whole higher power thing, I can become a better husband, I can be a better father. These are all things I can change.
I just need to figure out how. And not just think that. It seems like every night I go outside to smoke a cigarette before bed and I ask myself "wtf am I doing?" What am I doing w/ my life? I need to come up with a plan. A plan of action.
But I'll come up with that later.
It feels good ... but I can't say that I'm bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement.
A lot has happened in 60 days. I've got a sponsor, I've completed the 1st step, I've attended at least 2 meetings a week. I've gone on vacation with my family and out with my friends, I've heard negative rumors on behalf of my sobriety and still gotten in arguments with my wife. I've had blow ups, melt downs, tears of joy and moments of pride & satisfaction. I've experienced suicide, mis-carriage of close friends, witnessed a scary car accident, stopped and started smoking cigarettes and a whole lot more in between.
I feel like I'm still on a path to self destruction. Procrastination and laziness are still evil enemies on the home front. Lack of productivity fills my days - there are days when I don't do JACK SHIT. I mean, I know I'm raising my children - but I feel like I suck at that too.
I've been in a weird, somber, just ... whatever mode lately. Not happy, not sad, just in my own head.
I haven't been a very good husband lately. I sit in my office at night while my poor wife sits on the couch on her laptop. Technology could be blamed. I could be blamed. My piss poor attitude could be blamed.
I feel anger towards myself that I wasn't able to control my using. If only I could control how often I smoke and how much I drink. If only I could've controlled how often I smoked and how much I drank. If only I wasn't such an irresponsible douche bag that only thought about pot and let it get in the way of my family and friends. Now the lack of using is getting in the way of my relationships. I'm so confused.
Step two is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"... that makes more sense after 10 minutes of writing than it has in 2 weeks. I need to be restored to sanity. I need help from a Higher Power.
But it's tough because I feel like I was so involved with a God of my father, the Church of Christ Christian God that it's hard for me to find my own personal higher power. I'm reluctant to accept a higher power. I can only think that "he" is "God/Yaweh/Jesus Christ" - and I don't believe in that God any more.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The serenity prayer. One that could be applied to all aspects of thinking. I need to accept that I was powerless (still am), that my life had become unmanageable because of my using, and that I can muster up the courage to change my thinking. I can change my attitude about the whole higher power thing, I can become a better husband, I can be a better father. These are all things I can change.
I just need to figure out how. And not just think that. It seems like every night I go outside to smoke a cigarette before bed and I ask myself "wtf am I doing?" What am I doing w/ my life? I need to come up with a plan. A plan of action.
But I'll come up with that later.
