This weekend was a long
one. I spent the better part of two days in a gym with high school volleyball
teams, listening to ref whistles, high-pitched volleyball-girl cheers, and shouting
coaches. I was exhausted and was so looking forward to spending the day at home
on Sunday, hoping to feel refreshed and centered after General Conference.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get that. Unfortunately I haven’t gotten that for the
past few General Conferences. After learning about the three new Apostles by
reading the Church’s articles on each one, and then listening to them speak on
Sunday morning, I can’t help but feel a little let down. Now, I don’t want to
criticize the men who called these three men or the men themselves. I’m sure they will do a great amount of good while serving in their callings. I do not
doubt that President Monson and the First Presidency felt confirmation that
those men would do a good job and that they were “right” for the job. It is
easy to receive confirmation that a man will do a good job in his calling if
that man is willing to do the work and has been obedient and faithful. However, I don’t think there is one specific person that is meant to be called to any calling at a
specific time. Thousands in the world would
provide the same enthusiasm and humble service. I saw an article yesterday that was in response to the skepticism
and critiques about the calling of these three men. The article basically said
that the job of a General Authority is hard and that it isn’t about glamour and
fame, so we all need to understand that these men were called because they can
handle it, and not because the Church wants to push a certain agenda, etc. I
think the author missed the point. It’s not that other people are pining for
that job, it’s that people who aren’t
doing that job need someone in there that represents a different set of people. It is clear that these were men who have worked
closely with the current First Presidency, and in some cases, even have a close
personal relationship to some of the serving Apostles. This is where the red
flag flies for me.
At a time when so many people are hurting and questioning and looking for confirmations that they matter and that they are represented in this Church, don’t you think that the Lord would ease their hearts and minds by showing them that there is hope? I see those that really needed a sign that things were shifting and that they belong, and my heart hurts for them. It is silly to say that the Lord gave President Monson those three specific names randomly. If the First Presidency went to the Lord with these names, I am sure that they received a positive answer that these men were the right men for the job. I have no doubt that they received that "revelation." But, I am also sure that they would have received that same positive answer for thousands of other names, had those names been given the chance.
At a time when so many people are hurting and questioning and looking for confirmations that they matter and that they are represented in this Church, don’t you think that the Lord would ease their hearts and minds by showing them that there is hope? I see those that really needed a sign that things were shifting and that they belong, and my heart hurts for them. It is silly to say that the Lord gave President Monson those three specific names randomly. If the First Presidency went to the Lord with these names, I am sure that they received a positive answer that these men were the right men for the job. I have no doubt that they received that "revelation." But, I am also sure that they would have received that same positive answer for thousands of other names, had those names been given the chance.
The scriptures talk
endlessly about simple men of little wealth or visible talent that are chosen
by God and changed by His blessings in order to carry out the Savior’s mission.
One of the focuses of many scripture stories is the fact that the Lord will
take our weaknesses and make them our strengths if we are faithful and wish to
use those strengths to do good. Why, then, aren’t more people
represented throughout Church leadership? So
many people needed an Apostle called that showed some sort of diversity. Diversity in race, socioeconomic status,
career, ideology, anything. It
certainly makes me wonder. In a moment I will talk about why I stay. Why my testimony
remains despite my disappointments. Why I think that I need to keep
going. But first, I want to address one other thing about Conference this
weekend: President Russell M. Nelson’s talk to the women of the Church.
This is Nelson’s
statement that best summarizes my continuing disappointment with how the Church
views/treats women:
"We need you to speak up and speak out in ward
and stake councils. We need each married sister to speak as a 'contributing and full partner'
as you unite with your husband in governing your family. Married or single, you
sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have
received as gifts from God. We brethren cannot duplicate your unique influence."
Pres. Nelson spends his talk addressing the capabilities and importance
of women in the Church. I appreciated some of his sentiments. However, the
general vein of the talk is well-encapsulated by the quoted portion above. “We
need YOU to speak up.” I know I shouldn’t get crazy about words and I shouldn’t
dissect how these things are being said, but, he easily could have told the men of the Church that they need to
listen to the women, that they need to include the women, that they need to
recognize the leadership and insights of the women. But, no, he told the women
to speak up. As if we are sitting around, silently content with how things are
going. He spent his whole talk telling the women everything we
have to offer, and then ended by saying that we need to use those talents to
get ourselves involved. I love that the General Authorities see the importance
of women and continually tell us that we have unique and special abilities that
should be utilized, but I also think that by saying we have “distinct” unique
abilities, it implies that these abilities are unique to (you guessed it)
mothering, wife-ing, influencing men with our kindness and service. These are
awesome abilities that I am so grateful to develop as I grow as a woman.
However, while I think that this talk was a step in the right direction
regarding women’s other abilities, it
just fell painfully short for me. I, and I’m sure others, get tired of “speaking
up and speaking out” without being heard. Often times, we don’t even get the
chance to do so.
The real kicker: if women have so much valuable insight to share, why
did only two women speak this weekend at Conference (this is generally the
schedule of female speakers – one per day)? Stop telling us that we are
special, valuable, and have so much to share, while having us (at best) sit
behind you on the stand in precious solid-colored blazers (I legitimately adore
General Conference fashion!). I know, I know, “but we have the General Women’s
Session and several women talk there…that’s progress!” That’s not enough for me.
Men speak at the Women’s Session as well. I googled it, and only one woman has ever
spoken at a Priesthood Session (“according to
Relief Society Minutes, new Relief Society General President Belle Spafford
spoke to in the priesthood session of General Conference in 1946 teaching and
encouraging bishops to work in a partnership with the RS and utilize the expertise
of RS presidents ‘in determining the needs of families receiving welfare
assistance’ to better meet the needs of their congregants.” Jill Derr,
et al., Women of Covenant.)
There are steps being made in the right direction, but there is so much left to
be done. And who is going to do it? I think there is SO MUCH
that can be done under the current structure that just isn’t being done. President
Nelson’s talk just reiterated that for me, which was painfully disappointing.
So, why do I stay? What am I doing in a Church that causes me disappointment, with members that I have little to nothing in common with? Well, to put it simply, I think I still have a testimony of the things that matter, and I have hope that there are other people in the Church that know the things that matter and can help me accomplish the goals that matter as we try to become more like our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I find comfort in the "blessings" and promises received for just being a good person; and the good that is in me comes from growing up in a church that taught me about service, honesty, healthy bodies, good choices, etc. I owe that to my faith and my religion. It keeps me safe, it keeps me happy, it keeps me healthy. It gives me hope that there is something better waiting for me after this crazy life. It gives me a road map for how to become more like Jesus and how to live a respectable life. It helps me find the light during dark days, and gives me a perspective of happiness during times of sadness. These are the things that matter to me right now. Not the silly extra “commandments” that somehow get made up. Not the business-oriented Church leadership. Not the failure to recognize women or the boundaries the Church puts on women’s abilities. Not the members sitting next to me in class that make ignorant and hurtful comments, allegedly supported by “doctrine.” Not my bishop telling me I'm selfish for having a career and not being married. No, it’s the personal conversion and individual growth that matters. My own relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father. I have that. I work on that. And I hope that makes me a better person. THAT is why I stay despite disappointment. That is what keeps me going. And that is the statement I appreciated most in President Nelson’s talk: “Nothing is more crucial to your eternal life than your own conversion.” I just have to remember that’s what matters. For now. * sigh *