ItzaLoveThing: 2009

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Hello 2010

I am welcoming 2010 with open arms, I can not complain all in all 2009 was not that bad to me. A recap of highlights would be: watching pook grow, having the best BF propose in the BESTEST way, learning more about myself, forgiving and letting go, The Fiance moving in officially. What would I like to see from 2010? I would like to see people truly be true to themselves, I would like to see that those that I have in my life can be honest with me whether they think I will like it or not, I would like to continue to learn about me, continue to blossom in my relationships as a fiance, mother, sister, friend, continue to watch and navigate Pook as she grows and learns new things, continue to walk away from negative people and negative ways. What will happen in 2010? Continue going to school, My 30th Birthday, our wedding day, Pook will start kindergarten. Some pretty big milestones will be happening in 2010 and I am just thankful/hopeful that I will be alive and healthy to witness it all. 2010 will definitely be about me and my family, they will become the priority as well school. Those that know me should understand, and if they don't then maybe they just really don't know me after all. And that is ok. Got a few new reads I would like to finish reading, as well as checking out a few new spots, and different dj's. Wishing every one a safe and Happy New Year.

Been a while!

Not much to say here...y? you ask, because I have been down with what I thought was a sprained ankle for a week then found out on christmas eve that it was truly a fractured ankle so then spent a few days in MAJOR pain. Finally got the pain manageable and now have the orthopedic appointment tomorrow, so please pray that that does not mean more pain. Normally my holiday blues are a lot different, this time I was in so much pain I forgot to take and decorate Joe's tree. thankfully the fiance handled that and got Pook out there to get it done and I must say it came out beautiful.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Come and Gone

Thanksgiving as come and gone, however this Thanksgiving will always be remembered by me. It was actually one of my first quiet, mellow, not much running around to do in a long time. There came a point where we ate chilled and wanted to get Pook out to have some cousin companionship. We get into the car and not too long into the ride she falls asleep. I look over at Jess and tell him "hey why don't we go to the corner" the corner is where Josiah's accident happened. I hadn't been there in a while and never really got time to go on the actual day of a holiday, and we were headed in that direction so it sounded like a great idea. We get there, park, pooks is still asleep, so I tell him to leave the car running, but then i turned around again and she is waking up, right away I could tell she was not going back to sleep. I then took a deep breathe and asked her if she would like to see something really special, she responds with yes. I then get her out of the car and walk her across the street to where the cross/memorial area is for Josiah. I ask her "do you know what this is?" her response is "this is where my daddy had his accident, she then goes on about how he was on his motorcycle coming from over there fell off his bike and hit the rock" I correct her by telling her that her daddy did not hit the rock but his bike did. She got to for the first time in 2 years sign the cross that we have there for him and look at all the stuff people have left. She decided she wanted to take one of the motorcycles here so I let her. We get in the car and start making our way to our destination and out of no where she says"I wish my daddy was never on a motorcycle, he should have been in a car"she then starts saying "I am sorry daddy"So I ask her why is she sorry and she says "because she didn't want her daddy o ever fall again"yes I nearly lost it but had to still hold it together so that she would know it is ok to talk about this. We made it to our destination and as she played with her cousins she was carefree again.

The next day I come home from shopping to hear her crying hysterically in her room. walk in and ask her what is wrong and all she keeps saying is "she misses and wants her daddy"all I could do was hold her, I held her tight and just let her cry until she let most of it out.

It sucked, it sucked to see my baby in so much pain, and pain that I will NEVER be able to take away. I wanted to cry for her, with her, but knew she needed me at that moment. Since then she has made one mention to my mom that she really misses her daddy. It is such a helpless feeling to know that you can do nothing to ease the pain she is going through. I also have to accept and realize that just because she was 2 when he died that does not mean that she will not mourn his death. Just wish I was a little more prepared for these moments. Everything happens for a reason, I am a firm believer in that. I know we were where we were supposed to be on Thanksgiving. The events that played out were supposed to happen, and I am grateful that she was able to see the place that I hold so dear to my heart.

I was encouraged and supported by many on those days

of sadness/happiness. For that I will always be grateful for as well.

All in the name of Love

These last few weeks have definitely been trying ones for me. A close friend of mine had her son's "Papi" (grandpa) pass away. I did not get a chance to formally meet him. I did see him once coming home from a Dr.s appointment and he went straight to the room, because the appointment had taken so much out of him. I can say that after the weeks that have passed and being at his service I got to know more about him, other than what I already knew, which was that he was a GREAT grandfather to my friends son. We knew the time would come, just not sure how much longer he had. Her and I have had many talks about the affect it may have on her son, but we never talked about the affect it may have on us. I knew I would be a key person in helping her, being that I have been there before, and I am a techy geek LOL. so it all started one night with me telling her I can get the binder out. for those that do not know me the binder is basically all the important information needed in my life if I was to pass away. One tab happens to have funeral information, people I used as well as my plot info. At first she says no, then says go get the binder. Well I think it only took 2 days before she actually had to use the info that I gave her. Being that he was going to be cremated she knew she wanted a slide show and for the most part knew what songs were to be used, but of course wanted them blended LOL. Needless to say we got it all done, late nights of program layouts, prayer card layouts, scanning, organizing pics, and adding the songs. I did not realize the affect it was having on me until we got to take a break from the planning and when it came time to resume the planning I immediately felt the emotional tension slowly strangling me. At one point we talked about it, and she listened but could not relate. She later came around to fully understanding what I had meant the night before. Regardless of what all in all I can say this trying time was needed. I needed to know I am still human, I needed to know it still hurts, I needed to know I miss my husband like crazy, I needed to be reminded of what I have lost so that I can continue growing and appreciating what I have. It was a hard, emotional road that is now over (as far as planning). No matter what I was going through I would never take back the time I got to put into this.

May he now Rest In Peace.

Can't please them all!

And I am ok with that!

I had a conversation over the weekend that made me realize that people do not know me as well as I think at times. Every relationship/friendship is different no matter what. We can not go into each friendship comparing it to other friendships. Through out time people have hurt people, people have made up or chosen to not make up. either way no relationship whether good or bad should have an affect on another relationship. I am going to do me, and me only! I can not worry if what I am saying is going to hurt any ones feelings, especially if what I am saying is something I believe in. We all don't have to agree and we all have our own thoughts. I suggest others do the same. We can please them all and we have to be ok with that, but if we know that we are not doing anything with bad intentions then it should not be a problem to talk about it. However all members of the party must understand that some take longer than others to process/digest what has gone on before they can approach a situation. I know that I have been true to my friends and myself. I will continue to do just that, and in the process if i hurt someones feelings maybe they should take a step back and ask themselves y? is it because you are assuming, is it because the truth hurts, is it because I maybe used the wrong words. Keep in mind I am putting a process out there that I use. I really work on making sure I am not assuming, not reading between the lines, believing whether you have hurt me in the past or not that this is not that situation. Starting each day new, making sure I think before I speak and react. You are in control of your thoughts, your happiness, and how you handle a situation.

Like I have mentioned in the intro to this blog. This blog is a venting tool for me with names usually excluded. It is a peak into my journal basically. It has been a tremendous amount of help to me and I will continue to speak what is on my mind through my blog. Not all are negative and not all are positive, but either way it's my world and you have the choice to read or not to read my blog. With much love and respect!

I live my life knowing that tomorrow is truly not guaranteed! and if I died today I am fulfilled in all that I have done as a friend, mother, fiance, widow, sister, daughter, and most importantly what I have done fro myself, my own personal growth, new hobbies, old hobbies, etc.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

What am I Thankful for?

Well lets see, first and foremost I am thankful that God is not done with me an I still get to see my baby grow, I am thankful that she and I are healthy and that God is not done with her either. I am thankful for those that I can call true friends, those that will tell me when I am wrong and not talk about me behind my back, I am thankful for those that have been honest enough to tell me what has been said. Those that do not bring negativity to my life because they know I have enough on my plate and do not need anything added. Those that I feel 100% comfortable to cry in front. I am thankful for the knowledge to be able to know the difference of someone who is trying to poison your life or not. I am thankful for the beyond supportive fiance that I have, for all the help my mom has stepped up to do with pook. I am thankful for the relationships that have blossomed over the last two years.

It is amazing how death will open your eyes to things and people. The past is the past and I will move forward like I have been. I have forgiven, but def keeping my eyes open.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Wedding DIY projects

Keep in mind you can actually do this project for any occasion.So I have a few in mind that I want to do that I have found. Here is the DIY Photo Card Box that I absolutely love. I found them here and here. My version is not totally completed yet, but here are a few pics. You can find the directions on both links listed, and really it was pretty simple. I would recommend having another set of hands, and not using frames with felt backing and table top stands. You will see in the pics that I have removed the tabletop stands. Also we used a spinning spice rack from target that works just fine. The screws I used were #6 1/2, the spice rack I used was a 12", I have covered it with black duck tape and plan on wrapping it with a dark brow ribbon to give it a finished look. For the L brackets were 1-1/2 however for the lid I recommend a smaller size. I will update as soon as I have the lid perfected.

Inside here is where you can see that I cut the tabletop stands off. If I want to reuse after the wedding they will only be hanging frames

Here is the spice rack attached that will allow it to spin

Here is where you can see the duct tape that will later be covered by a brown ribbon

Here is the final product without pictures

This was made for our engagement pictures, but I just wanted to see how it would look with pics. Updates pics will be posted as soon as I get some printed.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

When I look at

her many things come to mind, some good, some bad, some happy and some sad. there are things this child does that are just so much like her father that it truly baffles and amazes me. Right now she has this thing she does with our dog Chuy, she likes to throw her food to feed her and watch her chase it, Josiah did this exact same thing when we had Buster. She is amazing, so happy and full of life, she keeps me on my toes, she keeps me going in more ways than one. I love her to pieces and am beyond thankful that she is mine! He would be beyond amazed at how smart she is!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Memories Flooding In!

It is amazing how one little picture can bring back so many memories. Memories, of good times, bad times, happy times and sad times. My mom was the only person that was able to capture us both on our bikes. What's amazing is that the one reason my husband decided we should get bikes is because he always knew I wanted to ride. He thought that it would be something we could do together. Well me and my selfish, young minded ways never really took to much advantage of the together part with our bikes. I was too into partying at the time to see how special a moment like that is. needless to say we both took the class together at Delmar High school. We both passed, we both took our written test at DMV and passed. I found my bike first. It was my dream bike Honda CBR600F4I. I loved everything about my bike especially after we integrated the tail lights. Josiah rode my bike from Santa Clara to south San Jose. I remember being so scared for him. then it was his turn we went and found the bike he liked and purchased it. We learned fast that Honda's were a lil harder to get into mechanics wise then his Suzuki. We got to share a couple moments on the road together, but I think just as much as he wanted us to ride together he felt that girls could not ride as well as guys. He took off with this new passion, started buying tools, started becoming mechanic, learning every aspect of the bike. He became a GREAT rider. I knew that if it was a riding day that he would begone 4-5 hours that day. Since we worked together and usually took lunches together we had a little schedule that would allow us our free time as well as our family time. I later found out from many people that as much as he was not a leader on his bike he was one. I remember when we moved into our home and we moved the bikes over here, now mind you I was pregnant. So I remember asking him what would you do if our daughter wants to ride, his answer was "hell no" this is how much he felt that guys just knew the logistics, and mechanics of riding and gravity etc. I remember telling him that would be slightly hypocritical cuz mommy and daddy have bikes. I remember when we sold his 750 and upgraded to his gsxr1000. He let me ride it once, and I came back asking him if we could trade, of course the answer was no. I remember when we found out I was pregnant I could not ride and one day he said go ahead ride it around the block, I was barely ending the 1st trimester, the feeling was great so at 6 months I asked hey can I take it around the block again and he said hell no LMFAO. It was worth a try though. When we sold my bike he let me ride it through first franklins parking lot one last time. I remember the first time he took his bike to the track. It was not even 9:30am when I get a text saying "I am done for the day, had a great time though" my crazy ass calls him cuz i was thinking some one was being a dick to him his full day all to find out that he totaled his bike, but regardless of that he had a blast LOL, and even though I asked him not to ride anyone else's bike in case he drops it he still rode Art's that day (pic below). I know that has probably come to some random ass ramblings but hopefully it all makes sense, and even if it doesn't to you it does to me. I am almost ecstatic to know that can remember all of this. As happy as I am to have found the pics, to a certain degree it makes me miss him. Like I have mentioned before I know he died doing what he loved, but sometimes that is not enough to take the pain away.

We actually have quite a few pics torturing our baby on our bikes LOL

It's amazing, I remember this day like yesterday. She was too young to remember us on our bikes yet she is was such a natural. My heart sank!

R.I.P Baby we miss you and love you ALWAYS!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Pooks Ballet

So I had decided to enroll Pook in classes as she wished. We started with gymnastics and moved into tap and ballet, at first she did not like tap because the shoes made too much noise. needles to say she ended her 6 weeks with a small recital that of course her family bombarded LOL. When she was done certificates were handed out and we managed to scream so loud that she got scared and almost forgot to grab her certificate LMFAO

Some of her stalkers LOL

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Eye Opener

As most widows/ers know our perspective on life has been changed forever. There are things that happen that I would call eye openers. First and foremost even though I have found love again I worry about being a single parent and something happening to me. Last night in our AJ class something came up that opened my eyes, and whether any one agrees with the choices/decisions I make they are mine, and I am going to do what I feel is right for me and mine. So in class we were discussing parties and how if a "bad (dirty) cop" happens to come in smells drugs etc and you are there with your child the possibility of what can happen. Basically it is up to the cop if he feels the child has been neglected, feels that you are under the influence then he can get CPS involved, and possibly remove your child from you and the situation. Yes, I am aware this can happen anywhere, yes, I am aware this can happen eve in my own home if I allow for certain things to be in my home. But with all of my change and with my fear of losing my child and her not having another parent to go to it made me wonder if it is even worth it. I do not judge others or count their drinks to each their own, but I will be making choices to ensure that my child never has to be in certain situations, and I do not think I should be knocked for that. All in all it is my life and my choice! There have been bad choices that I have made in my life, and there have been good ones. I feel that this is a good one!

Finally Ready

So for the last couple weeks I have been tested on many levels, tested to the point where I knew I needed some much needed me evaluation time. This is never easy, but needed to be done. To this day not many people know what is bothering me, and it may remain that way. but regardless of what after my self evaluation couple of days of darkness, gloom, confusion, sadness, so not happy mood I have come to the conclusion that I am all good. Don't get me wrong so not perfect still need to work on a few things that I will make my new years resolution and will start working on as of now, but I am pretty damn close to where I wanna be in life emotionally, and amazingly even physically. I had to recheck my self, had to remind myself not to take things personal. Once again learning who is really there for me. I had to learn to appreciate that vs those who aren't. I learned that I have changed in MANY ways some that I never thought could possibly happen. Now please don't get this twisted, there are many things I knew already, such as life is full of tests, such as all of the things I mentioned above. Fully aware but every once in a while it still gets to you and you feel as if you have to relearn it all. And at times when you have had a ultimate test such as your husband dyeing, you come to a point where you wonder when will the testing end, shouldn't I have a get out of jail fee pass? Guess what the answer to that is....NO...nothing in life is free and I am just thankful that He is not done with me. Not sure what is left of me but apparently He has big plans for me. All in all I have come out of my days of depression. I came out knowing who is by my side no matter what is going on, came out knowing I am loved beyond words by some, came out knowing that life is great and I am in control of how I let the small things affect me. Came out knowing it will be ok, and I am grateful for all i do have and the fact that I get to wake up every morning to a new life!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

a lil more official

So even though Jess has had stuff here for like a year it is becoming a lil more official that he will be moving in someday LMFAO. we got all his winter gear in the wash then getting hung. which means I actually have to share my closet again, kinda not looking forward to that part LOL. and we added his dvd collection to mine. slowly but surely it's getting there, and i am getting excited. It will be nice to feel like a true family again, it will be nice to have him here on a regular basis and not have so many lonely nights in my big ass cal king bed. Needless to say I am looking forward to what the future has in store for us.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

So much to say!

Just can't seem to find the words though! So this may end up being one big ass ramble but hey that is what my blog was made for anyways right!

Ok I guess I want to begin with the fact that I am beyond thankful that I am still alive and kicking. This weekend I got to watch my baby carve her first pumpkin ever. we have bought them before but never really wanted to deal with the mess. Well this year it was all about the mess. It was amazing to watch her go from ewwww to kinda liking the whole thing. It made me reflect and think about all that her daddy is missing. Although we are thankful for Jess in our life it is and will always be something in the back of my mind. I remember watching Josiah with our daughter and how fascinated he was when she would discover something new, how he thrived off seeing that first reaction of hers, and to be quite honest I miss that tremendously, but once again am BEYOND thankful that my time here is not over. I will cherish each moment with my daughter to the fullest.

Moving and cleaning: The time has come and we have started cleaning out and bringing some of Jess's belongings to SJ from Vallejo. I know this is a major move on his part, and I am trying to be as sensitive as possible to it. It was actually not as bad as I thought, it took us about 5 hours and one full ass pathfinder to get most of the trash to SJ. now for the most part all that is in his room is stuff that he will slowly bring down. Next date on the cal is to sit and go through HELLA vinyl's. I think that part will be fin for me but he will probably be over it LOL. I can not wait for him to be here full time!

Staying focused: There have been a few things on my mind lately about relationships, friendships etc. I will not go into too much detail, only time will tell, but what I will say is this. Life is life, memories are made only once. No matter what I have done has been done from my heart, and most people that TRULY know me know that I am giving, and want to make the best of every situation for every one else. Whether I had the money, didn't have the money, whether I had a special occasion that may have conflicted, whether I was grieving or not! I made sure to not lose focus of who was special in my life, and making sure that they knew they were special to me. From this day forward I will be making some changes, changes to cancel out all negativity in my life, I will prioritize me and only me. In the end it will not be my loss. I will refocus on not having expectations, this will help in me not feeling hurt or let down. It's all about love, positivity, and peace from here on out. and if I died today, I am fulfilled in all that I have done, and all that I have accomplished in my life.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Finding the words

It's amazing that I have gone through one of my toughest death experiences so far in y life. I have been to many family members funerals, I saw my great uncle two days before he died of AIDS. Death is nothing new to me, and after having my husband die 2 years ago you would think I would know all the right things to say. but guess what I have no clue what to say, and I of all people know that at times nothing is needed to be said. but it hurts me to see a dear friend of mine hurt. I know she knows I am here for her when and if she wants to talk about it or just lay in my bed with me. Amiga te quiero muchismo, and I wish I could take the hurt your heart felt away as you got closer to Fresno! Life is too short, never be afraid to say how you feel, to love with all your might!

ughhhh kinda bringing soe feelings back! Goodnite world!

RIP to all those called to Heaven, we miss you and will never forget you!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Reason, A season, A lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

0ooo
Some people ( )
come into our lives ) /
and quickly go.. ( _ /

ooo0
( ) Some people
.. ( become friends
.. _) and stay awhile...

leaving beautiful 0ooo
footprints on our ( )
hearts... ) /
( _/

ooo0
( ) and we are
.. ( never quite the same
.._ )

because we have made a good friend!!!

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people involved; and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships, and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

life in a nutshell

Don't be upset with life's ups and downs.Don't call life unfair.Don't focus or complain about past hurts and pains.Learn to forgive and forget.The end of all suffering is acceptance ~Rev Run

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Another Great Qoute

Sorrow is a fruit. God does not allow it to grow on a branch that is too weak to bear it.The will of God will no take you where the grace of God cannot keep you.~anonymous

(now if i can remember this daily)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Borrowed time

"when God gave you to me he never said you were mine, that I could keep you always---only borrowed for a time. Now He's called you home, I am sad and I shed tears. Yet, I'm glad He loaned you to me and we had these many years."

~Edna Burch

I remember clearly when I read this quote how I felt. I felt refreshed and like it was all ok (even though it wasn't). Needless to say we are all here on borrowed tome so let's make the best of it. Let's be all we can be and then some.

The Awakening

Here is something that was posted on my myspace blog some time ago. When I read it right now it brought the same sentiments so I thought I would share here.

This was just sent to me...and in reading it...I was amazed. Most of you know me well enough to know how much I have changed my perspective on life... and I could not have said this any better.. My prayer for each and every one of you is that one day if you have not already you reach this awakening...it is the BEST feeling in the world.. and I also pray that I continue to surrender to my awakening, and not forget how important this really is. We are in control of our life.. Start small do at least one thing a day that makes YOU happy and sit back and watch the transition of your life.. I love each and every one of you for who you are as individuals.. No matter what you have been through we all deserve the best in life... now get off your ass and go get it LOL... (had to get unsappy for a minute LMFAO)

Steph thank you so much for sharing this with me.

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - Enough! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, you wipe back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change - or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that your partner, if you have one, isn't perfect. In the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are.... that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learn to say NO. Then you learn about love, romantic love and family love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away.
You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more attractive, more intelligent, more lovable or more important because of the partner by your side or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect; and you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with loving caresses...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart you take a stand. You take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can. Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see.

This is your awakening....enjoy life!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Frustrating school counselors

All I can say is ewwwwww...don't get me wrong she was very helpful but who wants to hear that they have more general Ed classes that need to be taken, especially when I was just with a counselor at most 6 months ago. This is ridiculous, all of a sudden I have to retake biology because they will no longer accept "D" as a passing grade, it will have to be C or better. Now don't get me wrong i know I am way more capable of getting a better grade then that but at the same time I was ok with that grade being that I took it many moons ago when school was not a priority, and if you look at my transcript now you will see the major change. So when I asked her how many times are they going to make changes that will keep me at EVC longer all I got was well if you would not have stopped school in 2004 and come back in 2009 this would not apply to you even if it was just one class a semester you were enrolled in..REALLY WTF... I am not a first time student and I believe that some rules should be retro active to my first enrollment into college. But that can never be, why, most likely to the budget cuts. This is just very discouraging...and now I need to plan out a few more classes which is not what I wanted to hear. One day, hopefully in the near future I will graduate!

Communication

It's amazing! Communication is needed in more than one way. but it's amazing how it all can get twisted way too fast, how all of a sudden you are wondering if what you said was the right thing to say. As good as technology is it is also our worst enemy at times, and as much as we teach ourselves not to assume anything it is amazing how we all still assume. I would have never thought in a million years that when I wrote something I was going to hurt some ones feelings. why all because I assumed this person knows me and knows that would never be my intention. But in the end I hurt some ones feelings. I learn from my mistakes and in the future will write with caution. I can not assume anything nor can any one else. All I can do now is hope that this person knows/believes that that was never my intention.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Reaching out

So as many of you hip hop music lovers may know by now. A true legend has been called to Heaven, Grand Master Roc Raida: May 17, 1972 - Sept. 19, 2009 ( to read more info supplied and approved by Roc Raida's wife Tyeasha )

I am not sure if what I have done is right or even the right way, or if anything will even come of it but I felt compelled. and my gut said to do it, and if you know me I follow my gut.

As mentioned in other blogs of mine no one will ever know what I have gone through, am going through and will continue to go through the rest of my life. I am great at hiding my feeling, and making the world believe I am ok. Don't get me wrong there are many days that I am ok but then there are days that the pain hits just as it hit when I was told "he did not make it"

I have reached out knowing that resources have gotten better since Josiah's passing in 2007. Sometimes you just need to feel normal, and know that all the crazy emotions going through your head are all normal. You need to know that you will never be told "it will be ok" because guess what it will NEVER be ok, you will never be told "stop crying" no let that shit out.

It is times like this that you learn who your friends are and who isn't. as much as people mean well widowhood forms a reality for others, it hits home, it makes them realize how fragile life is and so there will be many people that will not know how to handle death and you will lose them as friends, and in all reality all you may have needed was some one to sit there with you so you were not alone, with out a word said.

Like mentioned before not sure what will come of it but I will have no regrets knowing that I tried.

R.I.P to all that have been called to Heaven!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

In Amazement!

So the other day I was sitting at home and one of the parents came to pick up their child. I was in amazement because I did not expect what happened next. There was a time when me and this person didn't really care for each other and I find it amazing how since Josiah's death he has stepped up. Please note now I am not taking away from any one who has helped I appreciate that just as much just wanted to take a minute to anonymously acknowledge this person. I know that if I ever need anything this person will be there to make it happen in some way possible. He walked in asked if I needed to change my water in the Alhambra dispenser (about 15 minutes too late I just had), he then notices that the light bulb is out in my fridge and asked if I had one so he could change it. There are many more things that this person has stepped up to do in a handy man sort of way and I appreciate it tremendously. In the long run it is amazing to see who is still here and who has trailed off, I know life is life and we all have to live our own life, but I am appreciative of the people who have stuck it out with me.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Accept new things

So recently there was a incident that truly baffled me. I just don't get how some people can be so against new things or change, but then once they do they have the time of their life. Life is about living it to the fullest, living with no regrets, being able to say yeah i tried that and being ok with the fact that it may not be for you after all. But when you do not give something chance can you truly say anything negative about it NO! I feel sorry for people who can not try new things, or put up such a fight that it almost ruins it for other people. I just needed to get this negative juice out of my body so that I can move on. All in all I know how I am living my life and I am having a fucking BLAST! To many more memories ad GREAT times

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Just when you think........

Just when you think things are getting better you are smacked in the face with reality. whoever said in time it will get better sure did lie. I am learning something new about being in the 2nd year since my hubby passed away...and what I am learning is that this year seems to be a whole lot harder than the first year. I don;t know what it is, but I feel like there is a trigger regularly and that trigger will affect me all day and make me super emotional! today it was that I could not find his online obituary, for some reason I had the wrong link saved which then sent me into a panic"how could I have not printed it for pook"I tried to remain calm, finally found it and then BOOM the rest of the day was a emotional roller coaster. I will get this under control!

baby I miss you like crazy, I love you with all of my heart, but can you please make the hurt go away?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Nursery to Big Girl room in 24 hours

SO it happened I was ready to let go of my baby and accept that she is a big girl. She had been asking to paint her room for her nursery it was a lilac and now it is a vibrant pink and purple. She loves it and the more I made it her lil home I realized I love it too. I love how we rearranged the furniture to get the most of her room, I love the decals we used to decorate the wall, I love that the colors I chose can actually take her into her tweens. It's amazing as much as I wanted a boy when I was pregnant with her I have no idea what I would even do with a boy LOL. I love having my little big girl princess. I love decorating her room, I love all the accessories that come with having a girl. I love that she is my priority and I can take time away from our hectic life yo make her smile and tell me I am the best mama ever.

Here is a before and after of her room.

Back to school

So here we go another semester getting started. Taking a total of 3 classes, hoping to test out of one but we will see. Wish me luck

Monday, August 24, 2009

Way Crazy Emotional!

So just like any other random nite I am sitting on the couch checking out my facebook. As I am scrolling down to see new updates, pics etc a album catches my interest. This friend of mine adn her daughter(who is a lil older than Ariyana) has been with out her hubby for 5 months now since he was deployed to Iraq. I come across this pic and immediately I start bawling uncontrollably. For my fellow widows/widowers that have a little one I am sure you can agree with me tha the pic you will see is BEYOND emotional. If only our life could be different, if only my princess could hug her daddy like that more than one more time!!!! Ugggghhhh this is so hard right now but I knew I had to get it out. They have been reunited (the pic is of her daughter hugging her daddy while crying) and I am beyond happy for her and her family, and for those that will not be reunited as a family until we are all in Heaven stay strong, positive and do all you can to keep their memory alive for your children.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Date Day

So one day as I was strolling through Walmart I came across this little grill that was so cute and was only $15.00, so I bought it. after I made my purchase I sent a pic to my fiance and said I bought this for us now you can think of a romantic way to use it. So date day finally came along. He had a super special day planned. We woke up and he started marinating and cutting away. we got on the road ON TIME...yes that is great if you know Jess LOL. So we made it to China Beach where we were supposed to q it up and realized you can't BBQ there. While realizing this we also get to witness and dead body being pulled out of a home on what appeared to be a dolly (sp) LMFAO. It was legit and the SF medical examiner office but it just looked really weird. We figured that was a bad omen and we moved on LOL so we ended up at Baker Beach and tailgated. It was a wonderful afternoon with a wonderful person. So glad we got a chance to do it, and yes I am oh so loved!!!!!!!!!!! I am also VERY thankful for the man in my life, and the dragonflies that continue to come around!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

What a week!

So I took some time off to take my baby girl places, we got to go to Bonfante gardens, Oakland zoo, build a bear and then got ready for Joe's 2 year anniversary. So Pook had a blast with all the things we got to do. If you have not visited the Oakland Zoo I say you add it to your to do list, It was super nice and they had a lot of animals. I will also say the orange dragonfly was around there was actually four of them, and I know it made her day when I told her her daddy sent the dragonflies to tell her happy birthday, she got all giddy and said thank you....and all I could do was smile and say thank you as well. She knows he is with us too!

My lil turtle

My fruit bat

my family that I am oh so thankful for

Josiah's 2 year anniversary cam a lot faster than I thought it would...and for some reason seem to be a super emotional day for me. I usually have my emotions in check but for some reason could not keep them in control. It all started in the morning, i woke up did a little cleaning and then laid on my bed and could not help but cry, I covered my face cuz Ariyana was in the room, she totally sensed something and was telling me to take the pillow off of my face and then at one point tells me "mama, i just want you to turn your frown upside down" It was at that moment that I stopped feeling sorry for myself and knew I needed to get up, suck it up and make this the best day for my little princess. That is a line I tell her when I know she is having a bad day and I want her to smile. She truly is the best. It was a great turn out at the cemetery, we got to come back to the house and eat and watch his slide show all in all it was a great day. My patience was tested with new management but once again it just made me realize how much I have changed and how far I have come. I am proud of myself for how I handled it!

To all of those that were able to make it and that were in spirit, i am beyond appreciative for the continued support. We love you all.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Happy 4th Birthday

As I drove home from dinner with a wonderful friend, I sat back and reflected on my life a lil. Effective August 13 @ 2:02 AM, I will officially be a "mama" for 4 years. I can not believe how much joy she brings to my life, and even when she is testing me to the fullest I know that she has taught me so much, up to and including patience. I can not say my labor was a bad one, some woman have had worse but, as I sat back and thought about it I could not help but think of the wonderful, oh so proud soon to be daddy that was there with me. I could not help but think of the wonderful nights that to him where "the best nights we had" in the hospital as our new little family. Ariyana is so full of life it is amazing...and as much as she has attitude and character there are those moments of hesitation that I see her daddy in her, Oh how I hope we are making him proud. The feeling of her lil arm on my neck took all the pain away. Pook you are my everything, you are my strength when you don't even know it, my drive, my life. when you tell me you love me more and I tell you it is impossible, it is because it truly is, I created you, I watched you grow in my belly, felt you move, and most of all gave birth to you. One day you will know what that love is and you will know what I mean. I can not wait for the many more birthdays to come, the up and the downs of you growing and becoming you. I love you with my ever being. As you continue to grow know that your daddy loved you more than anything in this world. Happy 4th birthday Princess.

He will always be with us!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sentimental Success

Ariyana's 4th Bday party has come and gone, It was a great success, we are truly blessed. There was tons of laughter, food, cake, and presents. Oh and can't forget candy from the pinata. I really need to learn not to fill it to the brim, I had kids bouncing back with each hit of the bat. All in all it was a GREAT day. It was great to see her run around so freely, it was great to see her face light up when she heard there was face painting, it was great to see her light up with each present she opened. It was funny to feel her little hand covering my mouth as every one sang happy birthday to her. It was great to have family there, it was great to have my dad there. Thank you to all that made this day such a special one. It's usually this time that the reality of life will come knocking at my door, We miss him, and I wish he could see how much she has grown.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Nothing like a lil competition/wedding update

With the wedding 10 months away what better then to have a weight loss competition with myself and the bridal party...and what better than to get people motivated by adding a lil money. 5 of us ladies are participating and at the end of the 6 months some one will win $500. Today was our first weigh in and I can not wait for the many more. No matter who wins I know that we will all look fabulous the day of the wedding.

As for any other wedding stuff that may be going on, here is what has been completed:
found my gown and accessories
bridesmaids, moh, jr bridesmaids, flower girl dress
bridesmaids shoes
save the dates printed
Invitations printed
booked hall/ceremony location
picked his ring
got the officiant
got our photographer
found his groomsman possible gear
got everything for centerpieces and did a mock version to make sure we liked it

I may be missing other stuff that is done, but you get the picture, nothing like organization...can't wait to sit back and just enjoy being engaged.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Oh my what a weekend!

So it all started with on Thursday Jess leaves SJ and makes it to his exit in Vallejo and his clutch goes out. Friday I went to Vallejo and picked him up. As we are trying o figure out what we were gonna do about the car and how long it would be out of commission. Long story short I have my sister call my dad for some mechanic advice. and we end Saturday knowing that Sunday he would be changing Jess's clutch. Now keep in mind this is a big deal I have not seen my dad in at least 8 years. He helped me with Josiah's shirts but it was all done with Dre's help. So for the first time in a REALLY long time I got to spend quite a bit of time with my dad. In the end I think it was all a sign. In the end I am glad I had him do it. In the end can I say I have no expectation's I am gonna try but truly do hope that his is he beginning of what should have been. It is amazing that no matter how old I am I still found myself just staring at the man that helped create me It is a bittersweet feeling because I can see how much has has aged and it reminds me of how much time has been lost. There were many signs that led me to believe that Joe was once again with us. Dre summed it up best with saying "he wants my new start to really be new and fresh."

Saturday was spent in Brentwood. It was really nice to get away and not have any worries. We finally got to visit Tony and we got to spend some time with some of his friends the back yard was beautiful and Pook had a blast with all the cool water fun. With more signs that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.