ItzaLoveThing: March 2009

Monday, March 30, 2009

"Why is my daddy in heaven Mama?"

So as I am trying to get unpacked, wash clothes, unload the car my baby stops me in the middle of all of this as she is laying in bed she says "why is my daddy in heaven mama?" I stop and contemplate how do I answer this....my only answer is the truth as it always has been. "Pook your daddy is in heaven cuz he had a motorcycle accident and died...and when you die you go to heaven." which then gets "well I want him to come out so I can hug and kiss him." And i Think to myself thanks up above....and tell her "well you can go hug and kiss Jess." All that got was a smile, and then she wanted Jess to read her a book. I so love when those questions come unannounced. Nothing like being back to reality......Thinking of you always Baby. Wishing you weren't in heaven just as much as her. Love your Wifey

Back to reality

Good morning all,

It is official I am back in San Jose. We cut the trip short by a day. made more sense as far as getting back into routine. I will say it was very tiring all that we accomplished. and my poor baby ended up with a on and off again fever since Saturday afternoon. This was another reason we cut it short. I am not sure what she has being that there are not really any other symptoms but the fever. I will see how she does today and hit up the doc if needed. So Friday we made it to magic mountain then sat in LA traffic for 3 hours woooohhoooooooo. Finally got to Sandra's and had a great time there. woke up at the butt crack of dawn and off to Disneyland. I must say we were blessed with wonderful weather and my mom's disability pass. In Disneyland the longest we waited for a ride was 10 minutes. California adventure land has apparently been made to be handicap accessible all over the park so that trick did not work. But I think we were so pooped that it really didn't matter. We got some time with Sandruchies and all she wanted to do was power walk LMFAO...So after god knows how many hours in the car we are home safe and sound. And can wait another 10 years before going to Disneyland again LOL...But I will be setting up a adults only trip to Universal Studios in Septemberish. Pics will be up soon.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Off to the "Happiest Place on Earth"

Boy do I hope that is true. This will be my first vacation with my princess and I can't wait. We have a lot planned Friday we will be going to magic mountain (kassandra's Bday Gift), Saturday will be Disneyland all day, and Sunday California Adventure Land. I can not wait to see every expression and capture it on camera LOL...I have already prepped her that I will be taking a lot of pictures. Can't wait to share them with you all. Until next week folks.

Birthday toast

Happy Birthday Joe,

In all reality I should have wrote this yesterday but just kept busy doing other thing. My day started off a lil crappy, had to take a test then had a breakdown in the car on my way home. It's those damn songs I told you all about in a previous blog. I got home watched a couple videos, one of him and the guys riding and one of my birth thru pooks 5 months of life. Didn't watch the whole thing cuz I ran out of time but it was GREAT to hear my baby's voice. I hit the corner (my favorite spot in the whole wide world.)

Had a beer with my baby. ran a few errands. got home took a lil nap the got ready to head out to the cemetery for the celebration of his life. It was great to see every one that could make it. Ariyana and I are truly blessed to have such great support.

In the end it was a GREAT day filled with sunshine and butterflies. He was with us all day long. After watching a video of him riding I actually got the biggest itch to ride. I hadn't had one of those in a long time. but since i had been drinking this is all i did.

That's a smile that only revving the engine can bring. what a way to end the day!
Happy Birthday Baby!

And can't forget my lil sister. Happy 16th Bday kassandra. I love you more than you will ever know.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Pooks Growing Pains

Let me start by saying I truly can not complain my daughter is truly amazing. At 2 months was doing 5-6 hours of sleep. For the most part communicates well with me about her needs and feeling etc. BUT, why does it seem that when I am high stressed is when she decides to have issues...now take the she decides lightly. My poor 3 year old trapped in a 5 year old body (super tall)

goes through growing pains. and last night boy was it a pain to both of us. started at 11:38 PM and did not end til 4 AM. almost hour for hour there was screaming it hurts, at one point brought her to my bed that didn't help much either. Finally sucked it up and gave her medicine and wallllllaaaaaa she went to sleep. These are the nights that i miss Joe a lot. sometimes i just need that tag team partner to roll over to and say "I can't get up anymore" So in stead I lay in bed and say "Joe, please send her some healing powers ASAP." Luckily she slept in til 8:20 AM, which so far seems to be enough for my body, and woke up just fine. Gotta love her.

Monday, March 23, 2009

What can I say

This weekend was laid back. Saturday had our friends monthly dinner, which I would say was a success minus the video that was slightly shocking all across the board...I know that kids will be kids and that it was all in fun. I guess the bigger worry that I thought about is kids truly do not think about the consequences that their actions can bring. Not even in the now but also in the future, especially with it being so easy to get your hands on stuff via technology. Just not looking forward to times like that with pooka, and made me reflect back to when I was a kid and the things I would do. Man it truly is amazing that as you grow life is so much more apparent. Sunday was slightly a emotional day for me. One thing triggered the tears and then I could just not keep them back anymore. I hate days like that but have learned to surrender to them because if i don't it's only gonna be worse when it ALL comes out. I also realized that not only am i battling with the fact that it is Josiah's Bday, but I am taking Ariyana to Disneyland at the end of the month and it would have been Josiah'a first time as well. Man I am so lucky to have a guy in my life that understands this craziness...when i told him this he just hugged me and said "he will be there." So two more days and Kassandra will be 16 and Josiah would have been 28.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Too much thinking

So as I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep I realize I can't. Maybe I should try the breathing exercise we did in Life Management Class..Not sure, but what I am sure of is I wish I could just have a on/off switch for my brain. Sometimes I wish I could just STOP thinking..I will chalk this stress up under Josiah's Bday coming up, and the small signs that have been appearing in the last couple of days. I usually get like this right before one of his events. I anticipate what the day is going to entail emotionally for me, and then when it gets here I am like "oh ok that was not so bad." I manage to push myself right through it like any other day. I know as the years go on these special days may not be as important to others. All I can do is hope that no matter what I am able to keep his memory alive for our princess! Ughhhh I am doing something I have not done in a while, crying... I hate this feeling..would much rather have happiness over sadness any day. As much as I love my life now and am appreciative for Jess in my life, sometimes I just wish I had Joe back. Especially on days like today where I am having a conversation with Ariyana. I am asking her why she was mad earlier she is attempting to explain and then just says "well y did you yell at me...you should just apologize mama"...I sat there and all I could do was chuckle..My baby catches me off guard with her smarts at times. and when I ask her who made her so smart she says "you mama" All in all, just hope I am making him proud up there. Hope he is looking down on us laughing a the stuff that comes out of both of our mouths to each other. At the looks she gives me and the pure joy she brings. Baby you would be so happy with how much she is developing. well I am sure i can type for hours about this...but I guess i will shut down the computer and concentrate on my breathing. If I don't get enough sleep Ariyana and I will not get along as well LOL.

The boyfriend as a babysitter

So today I only had my godson to watch, but we had a appointment. I left Rey Rey with Jess while I took a shower and this is what I came out too. ABSOLUTELY LOVING IT!!!!!!!!!!and so did Rey Rey

Yes that is a highchair you see!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation Conference

So thanks to the Matt, Liz and Madeline blog I have found another GREAT Resource...The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation. Looks like there is a lot of great events taking place. It is a weekend conference July 17-19 in San Diego. On the site there are also TONS of resources. I am not sure if I will be able to go, but hope that this will help someone as well.

Here is another link where they offer a widow match. They find some one with a similar story in hopes to help eachother

Man how I wish all of these resources were around a year in a half ago

Monday, March 16, 2009

I am woman hear me ROAR!

There are no words to describe how I feel after I do a "Man's Job" Just got in from fixing a sprinkler head, all by myself.

Feelin empowered rite about now!

Some Widow resources, along with my story

If you are reading this let me start by saying I am so sorry that you have to...and believe me i know that by me saying this it will not help in making it any easier. It has now been 1 year 7 months and 1 day since my husband of 7 years past away from a motorcycle accident, just two days after our daughter had turned 2. He was 26 a the time and I was 27. He was riding with one of his boys and some how lost control of the bike at aprox 55 mph. Some would call it a high speed wobble....this is where the back tire wobbles and ejects you from the bike. To me there is no other explanation other than it was truly his time. The first time I went to the "corner" I knew it is my heart it was his time. There was no other reason for the accident..road was clean, no debris, weather was good, no speeding involved, skilled rider in full gear, open corner, meaning you can see through it. He made it to the hospital but did not make it out of surgery due to a ruptured spleen. At first I remember looking up what a spleen was and was furious to know that it is a organ that we do not need. Some people go as far as to have the removed. Ultimately it hold extra blood and filters it out if it feels your body needs it, but if it ruptures can cause internal bleeding and lead to your death. Thankfully I have a GREAT support group that has gotten me through every moment of widowhood. Please know that ever thing you feel is normal. just go with the flow of your feelings. If you wanna cry let it out If you want to listen to music that reminds you of your loved one do so. If you wanna scream do that too. All I can say is it will get better, but do not put a time limit on when. It may happen soon or it may take years, but it will. And know now that there is NO right or wrong way to grieving. Personally my first and foremost priority was our daughter, and making sure she was still a happy 2 year old no matter what I was going through.

Not sure why i felt compelled to write all of the above but I am sure there is a reason. Originally I just wanted to write about some books, websites and songs that got me through the toughest time in my life at such a young age. So with all of that said there are a lot of resources out there for us young widows, some aren't so easy to find but here are some that I used:

Google: search for young widow forums if you do not like the one I have listed

http://www.widowstooyoung.com/

http://www.ywbb.org/

These were used a lot in the beginning. But as i was going through the healing process I found it hard to log on. It was almost as if I was reliving everything as i would read someones new story. Still some where I go when i feel like I need guidance, or reassurance that I am still normal.

Books:

So the first book that i picked up was just not for me i could not relate, But then I found Widowed Too Soon by Laura Hirsch, and I must say I should have been careful for what i wished for. This book was so much of what i was going through that at times I could not read it with out hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably.

I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can by Fenberg
Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis
Widows Wear Stilletos by Carol Brody Fleet (found recently, but wish I would have known about it in 07)
Do Dead People Watch You Shower by Concetta Bertoldi
One Last Time by John Edwards

Movies:

I try not to watch too many of these...cuz it is all to realistic at times. But my all time favorite is P.S. I love you. Some of my girlfriends took me to see it and there were many points where i was thinking why am i torturing myself by staying here and watching this movie...there were points i felt i could not breathe...points I wanted to scream...points where i was mad because why couldn't I get that one last message...oooh all the emotions that come back by just writing this. Please know if you watch it it is painful. I bought it to add to his box of stuff but do not plan on watching it again. to this day don't think I can.

Songs:

Well there is a good list and a bad list. bad meaning if i want to cry all i have to do is play it and the tears come pouring down. Please note that most of the songs are R&B, or hip hop. But if that is not your preferred genre I would still give them a chance you never know til you hear it.

Without you~Christina Aguilera
No one~Alicia Keys
We Belong Together~Mariah Carey
I love you~ Mary J. Blige
Good Man~India Arie
Finally~Fergie
My Immortal~Evanescence
Come Home Soon~SheDaisy
Storm is Over~R.Kelly
Shadow of the Day~Linkin Park
Love Song~311
NightShift~Comodores
Diferences~Genuwine
King without a Crown~Maisyahu
It's so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday~Boys II Men
Pride & Joy~Jon B
I'll Be Missing You~P Diddy

I hope that this post will help at least one person. Please feel free to contact me if you just need someone to talk to. No matter how great my support system is it felt better knowing that there were others out there just like me battling the same craziness that life brings. I do not wish it upon any one, but it helps knowing you are not alone and reading others stories.

Forever In Our Hearts

R.I.P JIZ

3/25/81-8/15/07

Sunday, March 15, 2009

March 13th-15th...what a weekend

What a weekend. It was fun filled and super busy. I think Friday was about the only day that not much was going on. I got to spend the weekend with people I love so can't complain much at all. Saturday started with waking up super early and heading out to the Nordstom's Annual Fashion show, which ended with me spending money that I should not have spent, but hey it's always nice to splurge here and there. I then rushed home to Lucas awaiting me for his 3 month pic time...Thanks to my wonderful BF all I had to do was click away(everything was set up already). Here are a few of my favorite shots.

After a wonderful visit with the Ruiz family. It was dress shopping time. I hate leaving things for the last minute. So i must say it was a VERY successful shopping day, I came out with 2 dresses and NOT black...wooohoooooo.... so I am officially prepared for The William's wedding in PV. Finally got home, got a small nap in, had a great dinner at Outback with the BF and then off to the city. Club 6 to see Pressure sing Love and Affection.

This was a super memorable moment. The first time I heard the song was at club six, Jess and I were not "official" We walked down to the basement and he starts dragging me thru the crowd gets me to the center of the crowd, holds me tight and sings the whole song to me...Gotta love that guy.

Sunday is slowly coming and going...Woke up to my baby saying "get up mama,"edited photos from the photo shoot, handled some business, took pook to the library again, she loves being able to run wild there. get back to the parking garage and see something surprising...caught me off guard for a minute but then I was proud to see it. Thanks Clarissa for Reppin my hubby...Much love.

Now back to being domestic...making Tacos de papa for Dinner and washing clothes.

Friday, March 13, 2009

My life in a nutshell!

I am a 28 year old woman that had the privilege of meeting and sharing a beautiful journey with 1 of the love's of my life who is also now my angel up above.

Mommy of the bestest lil 3yr old girl in the whole wide world. She truly is amazing.

I am a sister, friend

and a dope ass girlfriend..LOL..don't believe me, ask him?

Was laid off in May of 07..the best thing that could have happened to me. Got to take a whole summer to explore life with minimal responsibilities. I am now a daycare provider to my niece and godson. Which allows me to stay at home with my baby (loving the new occupation).

I have returned to school in hopes to get my AA. Hoping to inspire the lil one and my sister. Anything is possible if you set your mind to it. Always working on bettering me, whether it be through self help books, life in general or listening to others. I love taking pictures,

and enjoying life. I am currently learning to DJ, ad have a couple favorite DJ's I follow (others not listed at the moment). Some local and out of state. Check out some of their stuff. DJ Zita's Mama mix 4, Neil Armstrong's Bittersweet mix. hopefully soon will have a couple mixes by me.

Giving Blogging a chance

So as many of you already know I am super nerd LOL....not really but can be pretty techy etc. I have been debating if i want to join the blogging world or not...and today I said F*#@ it...what do I have to lose. So please note now that this will all be random stuff that I want to either talk about or post. In no way is this only about me as a widow, mother, girlfriend, friend etc. Although know that you will get a lil of everything.
Please note that if you read something that you do not like, or do not agree with it is to each their own. This will be a venting tool as well as other things. If you don't like it stop reading.