ItzaLoveThing: May 2009

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Beyond Perfect Proposal

I was told we should have a early Bday BBQ so that family and friends can share my bday with me. My actual Bday is June 3rd but I will be in Puerto Vallarta, so I thought nothing of it and said sure. It was potluck so it was not too stressful or expensive. As the day went on I knew I was blessed to have people in my life that took time out of their life to come to my BBQ. I had aunts here that have not been at many of my bdays, I had people that have been in my life since Josiah's passing as well as people that have been here before...but who's counting....all that was important was that they were here with me now!

It was a GREAT day, weather was great, food was great, company was great. As time went on more people showed up! could not have asked for a better day considering the last few days before saturday were tough on me.

There came a point Jess mentions he has a slide show for me as a surprise. so we all gather in the living room and wait for Jess. Not knowing anything that is going on some of us grow a little impatient. He finally gets the slide show going and you here the oooh and awwwws....they are pics of me and Ariyana, some of my favorite pics chosen. All of a sudden a winking happy face appears and DJ Zita is talking to me.

I am in complete shock at this point, wondering how he got her to do this. She is saying she wants to play a special song for the birthday girl and says happy bday to me and the song starts playing.......

I start crying

and realize he is walking towards me telling me he loves me.

He crying and apparently every one around us is crying. I finally get up out of the chair I am sitting in and he tells me he wants me to be his wife and gets down on 1 knee.

And I SAY YES!

Some history: Jess and I have talked about marriage, and one day I was listening to a cd and this song by Wayne Wonder came on, it's called perfect proposal, at that instant I had this vision. The vision was of us at 330 Ritch with our closest friends while DJ Zita was on the 1's and 2's, all of a sudden the Wayne Wonder song would come on and Jess would be there proposing. I told him that I had a vision and told some of my closest friends, but I would not tell him. I told him I wanted to see if we were on the same page and if he could come up with the same idea.

Well I will say this he outdid my vision. It was great to have family and friends all show up and NO ONE had a clue well all except 1 person LOL. It was amazing!

What does it mean?

After Joe died it took me a while to go to where the scene of the accident was. And when i was ready he led me there. It answered so many questions and when I saw the area I knew that it was truly just his time. There was no gravel, no pot holes, weather was great, you can see completely through the corner. No reason a skilled rider such as him would go down in this area at all.

The "corner" is what we eventually started calling it. and it became my safe haven. I loved this place and found so much beauty in it. I would thank Joe regularly for having the accident there because it was so serene. sitting on one of the chunks of cement you can hear the creek. This was a spot that we knew no matter what we put there for Joe it would not be removed, thrown away or taken, unlike the cemetery. I used to spend a lot of time there crying, laughing etc. His best friend and I created a little rock path that came from the cross (made out of reflector, by the guys) all the way to the barbed wire fence.

As time went on and I started doing daycare there was less and less opportunity for me to get out there on a regular basis. But I still made sure to be out there at least once a month. On Friday I had a free day so I woke up, took a shower was in a great mood, and started to head out to the corner. I stopped off at the jack in a box first for some lunch then continued my drive out there. I finally get there park my car and am completely caught off guard by the condition of the corner. There are weeds EVERY WHERE, you can almost not see the rock path, his pictures that we have on the cross are faded and almost all the writings have faded off as well. I look around in amazement talking to myself asking what it all means. I look over to where he landed and you see no sign of the accident. over to the left you can barely see the oil stain through the weeds that his bike left. I start over analyzing as I start pulling weeds, wondering what it means, wondering why it didn't look like this last year or the year before, does this mean that I am supposed to move on? I managed to pull enough weeds to see the majority of the rock path that once was created. I tell him I love him and by and head back home...All I wanted to do the whole drive was cry. I get home and talk to one of my closest friends about it. All i kept thinking was I could no longer see the beauty in this place but didn't know what it meant. She had some good advice but I wasn't really trying to hear it. I finally cry, but am in a pretty bad mood the rest of the day. My mom called and took the baby unexpectedly. I totally needed that so I slept for almost 3 hours. I woke up still wondering but knew it would be another moment in my life where I would not get the answers.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The day my life changed, and cleaning out the closet!

So today Jess told me that one of his cousins husband had a heart attack. they were scheduled to get married in July and is in her mid to late 20's...So of course as I am cleaning all i can say is well if she needs resources such as books and websites let me know I would be more than glad to talk to her. Well I said a lot more than that but cutting it short for you guys. As we are cleaning I am reminded about my loss....partially because the last time I cleaned my kitchen blinds was in attempt to escape my life. I know that will make sense to fellow widows, but for those that have no idea what I am talking about here it is. So in attempt to feel normal, escape the pain, there were MANY times that I kept myself SO busy that there was really no time to think...and by the time there was I was so exhausted that I would just pass out. Those were usually my best nites of sleep. So needless to say when Jess was cleaning the blinds that story came up of when I cleaned all 5 mini blinds. Usually when i go into reminiscing mode is when I look for other widows, once again an attempt to feel normal. I go reading blogs etc to remind me that I am not alone. Well in doing so I read this blog which I am a follower of. And I was going to write a comment but knew that my comment would end up being so long that I decided to write my own blog to answer this question When did you clean out your husband's closet?

This is a tough one for me, so i will start by saying that I am BEYOND grateful for those that were here when everything happened. I am going to start with some history that may or may not have been mentioned in a previous post.

I got the cal around 5:15 from Josiah's best friend Art. I had Ariyana down for her nap, so that when he got home she would be in a good mood. I had just pulled clothes out of the dryer and threw them on the couch when the phone rang. I saw Art's name on the caller ID ans hesitated on answering it...but then my gut said uh no wait why is he calling they should be riding..and I answered. I hear Art tell me that Josiah has been in a accident and all that I could say is dude quit playing...he says I am not playing they are going to be taking him to Valley med (I live on south side of SJ, and that is the west side of SJ)..I remember getting mad and asking him why would they do that if he has his Kaiser card and you guys are not that far from kaiser. Long story short I called my mom to come to the house, and I got to Valley med in about 5 minutes with traffic and Josiah is not there. I can not get a hold of Art, and when I call my house my mom is on the house phone with him, She is freaking out I ask her to calm down and hang up with Art. I get a a hold of him all to find out that they took him to Alexian brothers (on the East Side of SJ)..Never once did it cross my mind that the reason they are transporting him to this facility is because it is a trauma unit. I make it to the east side and as I am walking up to the emergency room I see a gurney being pulled in...I know my husbands body VERY well and it was my baby! but I could not see his face.

I get into emergency and they tell me I have to wait. After a while they pull me in and start asking me if there are any features that they would be able to identify him by? at this point I realize this is serious, almost freak out and ask why is he unidentifiable? they say no they just want to make sure they have the right guy, and send me back out into the waiting room. I get a call from one of my girlfriends asking me about something that was going on that weekend. apparently she can sense something is wrong so I tell her Joe was in a accident but I know nothing and need to get off the phone. I get off the phone and as I am walking back in to the waiting room am approached by a man asking if I am Josiah's wife. I say yes and he says lets go somewhere we can talk privately. I follow him as he asks me what i know of the accident. I tell him not much. so he starts to tell me that it was a serious accident and that he went into cardiac arrest and they had to bring him back once, he goes on to tell me that he has severe internal bleeding and that they are most likely going to have to do surgery. As he is saying all of this he is trying to get us into the surgery waiting room but it is locked. he makes a call to have it unlocked and as he hangs up i hear the sound of the (push here to open door) lever, they turn the corner with a gurney and all i see is feet and as i look at the body more i see my husbands legs...and I look at the guy and say that is him...that is him..the guy looks back at me in shock like shit that wasn't supposed to happen...and as fast as I saw him he was gone and through another set of double doors....

Here is where the magic begins: As I am now sitting in the surgery waiting room still not comprehending the true severity of the situation little by little my closest group of friends start showing up. After about a hour or so we have about 40 people in the waiting room and in the hallway. I remember asking certain people how did you find out, and was shocked that every one was there. Still not realizing that that was all part of "the plan"from that day forward I will never be alone and he made sure of that!

Making it short again (although it does not seem like it)the doctor finally comes out and asks to talk to the immediate family...and we all know what the end result was!

So I get home at god knows what time (vero and co stay the nite with me) i wake up and take a shower cuz there were now errands to be ran. I take care of what needed to be take care of and come home to a SPOTLESS house (thanks to the girls), and a Costco run (thanks to the guys). Meaning my house is super clean and I know had everything I needed from dish soap to tp to pretzels. Well here is where it is bittersweet and will finally get to the answer to the question. All clothes have been washed meaning I have NOTHING that smells like my husband...as much as I was mad, sad...I knew I had to be appreciative...who would have thought I wanted to smell anything and everything that has ever touched his body.

Something tells me to go outside and on one of the steps there is a shirt that he must have worn to work and taken off to throw his jacket on over his undershirt. To this day it hangs on the headboard of my bed. For a while it even smelled like him and I would sleep with it.

There were things I started giving away right away. Things that I knew would be important to others to have. and there were things that I still hold onto. The only person that fit his clothes was his brother so I had him go through the closet and take what he wanted, but making sure he did not take stuff that I knew was Josiah's favorite. little by little i would get rid of stuff, but it was on my time. I am going on 2 years and i just recently gave some more stuff away that had been hanging in the closet. I have a pile on top of the closet that has 1 pair of dress hoses for Ariyana to see and some of his favorite or my favorite clothes. I also have a stack of hats that he wore and every once in a while I smell that. It can bring back so many memories...I also have a deodorant of his that I smell every once in a while as well. I know it may sound crazy but it is almost all i have left of him....so cleaning out the closet is still a ongoing process but it is all when I am ready...no one can make me do anything sooner than I want to.

I knew that would be way to long to post as a comment. Sorry Michele of Widows Voice.
And thank you ladies for making my house so clean. I love you all for what you did and please do not feel sorry for washing my clothes.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

1st Semester Come and Gone

Wow is all I can say. When I decided to go back to school I did not anticipate I would have to specify a major. I was truly just going back to get my AA and to show to Ariyana when she is older that anything is possible! I can not believe how fast time flies....I can not believe that as of tomorrow I will be done with what is officially my first semester back to school since 2004 and with a total of 3 classes behind me. I am excited to see what school has to offer me. I am excited that now I am specifying my Major to be a AA in Administrative Justice, I am excited that once my next semester hits I will actually be taking a class that will go towards my major. Wish me luck as I take my Stats final tonight...this one will be the toughest, but I know I can do it!

In my life management class i had to make a vision board..well I have a lot of personal thing that i want to accomplish so I made it a vision book that I can open and reflect on as needed. Here is a pic that I thought was hilarious but goes well with this blog.

Vacation

In preparing for my vacation, 29th Bday and of course Sandra's wedding, feelings of bittersweet flood my soul. It reminds me of how great I have it and it reminds me of how not so great i have it. Yup the double edged sword known as life. There is a lot to get ready like packing etc...but what worries me most if God forbid something happens to me. I do not have Joe to take over for our baby. If God forbid something happens to me I have to plan, plan Pook's life as she may know it. I had a very hard IM chat this morning with America, informing her of the in's and out's of where things are located, and who to contact. This part of life is the SUCKY part. Why can't my life be as easy and carefree as others? I try not to focus on this aspect of life too much...but it is my reality...death thru my life in a whirlwind and it will NEVER be the same. Please just pray that all is well and I make it back home to my precious baby.

Had to get all of this out, so that now hopefully I can focus on the fun of what the vacation has to offer.

Part of me feels selfish to be leaving Pook for a week, and part of me knows I deserve this vacation!

Thinking of you Josiah, Now and Always!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

By far one of the best nights last night!

So yesterday I did not make it to class. I surprised Jess by having dinner ready right when he walked in the door. We all (Kassandra, Ariyana, Me and Jess) sat down and had shrimp, rice and Veggies. We cleaned up, I watched pook on her bike try to beat Jess on his skateboard. Pook, Jess and I put together a small entertainment center that I bought for Kassandra's room. We put pook to bed. Jess and I did something that we haven't done in a long time and it was absolutely amazing. We went to Quick stop grabbed us some 22's, came home, I made a Wednesday night Session play list and we just hung out. In the dark listening to some old ass songs, laughing and just being us. I could not have asked for a better Wednesday night. Looking forward to many more.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Happy Birthday to me!

So it is official. I am turning 29. Who would have thought I would have gone through all that I have gone through in such a short amount of time. All I can say is I am BEYOND blessed. Yes life has had it's ups and downs but in the end I am winning. I am happy and healthy, I have found love again, I have a happy and healthy daughter despite losing her daddy. I have a GREAT support system when needed and all in all Life is GREAT. I have opened many new chapters in my life and closed many as well. I have learned true inner happiness and learned to accept help when needed. I have let go of my prideful ways and truly stop to smell the flowers. I am thankful for everything around me. As I enter my 29th year of life I can't help but look forward to the many more memories to come.

Great Quote

I can not remember where I found this. It is in my myspace blog. Either way thought I would share.

Wisdom is the sharing of wise experiences and knowledge, but a lot of it is common sense. The difference is how we apply this common sense - we all have the ability to keep going even when we face challenges in our lives - basically it comes down to your attitude. We can have a positive attitude towards life, or a negative attitude. We can focus on the good or we can focus on the bad. Keeping a positive mental attitude is one of the keys to success.
The choice is always up to you!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Mother's Day!

My mom and I have come along way. I have learned to accept her with her flaws, forgive her for all that was done. It is amazing how those small things have changed our relationship. Of course there are things that I do not agree with but as long as it is not affecting me or my daughter then she is her own person, and I am sure there are things she does not agree with that I do. Needless to say this Mothers day i want to take a second to acknowledge her. In the last year she has def stepped up to the plate and has helped me TREMENDOUSLY with Pook. I can not express how much I am grateful for her help. In going back to school, she keeps her one night out of the week. And she helps when needed. Sometimes those breaks are my saving grace. It def isn't easy being a single mother, and I guess I never realized all that she had to go through to make everything happen for me growing up. Much props go out to those doing it alone, doing it with a partner and just doing it in general.

Happy Mothers Day!

Fabulous way to end April and Start May

So Thursday and Friday I got to spend time with my niece and nephews (the Alvarez clan). We had dinner at king buffet. It made me realize how much them lil kids love me. all dinner it was tita, tita maritza and even Josiah was chiming in. By the end of the night he was even hugging me. Friday was just Erica and I hanging out. it has been a long time since we have been able to just hang out and get stuff on our shopping list accomplished. I got a taste of what my life used to be with out my baby girl (she was away til Sat morning) so I got to come and go as I pleased. I must say it felt good to have no worries. BUT I would never change the life I have. I was so happy to see my lil princess on Saturday.

Saturday was a day filled with love all in the name of Sandra.

We had a blast. Thanks Sandra for getting married next. It is always great to be surrounded by those that you love. We hung out with the kiddies and as gals ordered the fight here pulled out the famous dong bong (beer bong) and enjoyed the nite.

I am loving the energy that is around me. I am feeling positive and happy for life. Nothing can hold me back. I am grateful for the negativity that has been washed from my soul.