ItzaLoveThing: July 2009

Monday, July 27, 2009

Oh my what a weekend!

So it all started with on Thursday Jess leaves SJ and makes it to his exit in Vallejo and his clutch goes out. Friday I went to Vallejo and picked him up. As we are trying o figure out what we were gonna do about the car and how long it would be out of commission. Long story short I have my sister call my dad for some mechanic advice. and we end Saturday knowing that Sunday he would be changing Jess's clutch. Now keep in mind this is a big deal I have not seen my dad in at least 8 years. He helped me with Josiah's shirts but it was all done with Dre's help. So for the first time in a REALLY long time I got to spend quite a bit of time with my dad. In the end I think it was all a sign. In the end I am glad I had him do it. In the end can I say I have no expectation's I am gonna try but truly do hope that his is he beginning of what should have been. It is amazing that no matter how old I am I still found myself just staring at the man that helped create me It is a bittersweet feeling because I can see how much has has aged and it reminds me of how much time has been lost. There were many signs that led me to believe that Joe was once again with us. Dre summed it up best with saying "he wants my new start to really be new and fresh."

Saturday was spent in Brentwood. It was really nice to get away and not have any worries. We finally got to visit Tony and we got to spend some time with some of his friends the back yard was beautiful and Pook had a blast with all the cool water fun. With more signs that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Brain Freeze

It is amazing what trauma can do to your brain. I used to have such a great memory until Joe past away. I was just asked the other day when Ariyana was potty trained and it is amazing how long it took me to answer that question and all because it was within that year that Joe died. One time Jess asked me when she actually started sharing her feelings (mommy you made me sad) and I had no clue whatsoever. and it is amazing that no matter how much you try to reconnect the dots with other things that may have been going on at the time...it all leads right back to his death and around that time. I am slowly getting better with my memory but just feel like a bad mommy when I can't answer the simplest thing about my princess. It almost makes me feel like was I really there. Now we all know that answer to that. I know now that I was physically here but mentally I think it is safe to say I checked out for a while. Not on purpose, but due to such a traumatic moment in my life. So Pook if you ever read any of these blogs, please know baby that just because I can not remember certain things does not mean that i do not love you. I love you more then you will ever know...and you are what got me through the toughest point of my life. it's me and you against the world baby.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Wedding Milestone's

Last week we took our engagement pictures. Our photographer Vijay, is awesome and beyond talented. When Jess proposed I knew that he was the one I wanted to use. For our engagement shoot we started off at Baker Beach, in SF, then worked our way to Lombard and finally ended at Embarcadero. It was a amazing day weather wise, and we had a lot of fun. Check out some of our favorite pics as well as some of the other work Vijay has done here. Yesterday I went wedding gown shopping and must say it was beyond successful. We have found all the bridesmaids dresses, matron of honor dress, jr Bridesmaids, flower girl as well as possibly the guys tux, and of course my dress at Elegant Lace bridal shop on Blossom Hill. If you go there I suggest that you ask to work with Yvonia. She was amazing, we originally had an appointment with some one else that just could not seem to give us the attention we needed. I feel that it was a sign Yvonia was amazing, knowledgeable and a true blessing to work with.

Cleaning out the closet P2

So It is final. I have binned up all of Josiah's stuff that I know for sure I want to keep. Although it was a bittersweet moment it actually felt good. I know I was ready for it. I occasionally smell his old hats because they used to have his scent, and yesterday when I went to smell them the scent was gone. I knew that was a sign that it was time. so I took my time putting it in the bin and as I put the lid on it I knew i was going to either say ok this is staying in the closet I am not ready, or Ok we can do this...and it was we can do this. On August 15th we will be approaching 2 years, and I must say i am very happy with where Ariyana and I are at in our lives. We are truly blessed, and will continue to celebrate his life in many ways. We love you baby,and are thankful for the many signs you give us letting us know you are still with us.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

What has become

So it all started with one Sunday afternoon we were grocery shopping and I asked Pook if she wanted to take her daddy's tombstone some flowers...she said yes and spent some time picking out the arrangement that she felt was perfect. So now when we are at a grocery store she asks if we can take some flowers to her daddy's tombstone, and the answer will always be yes we can...It is funny to watch her pick the perfect arrangement, some are too pink, too purple and then out of no where she says ummmm, how about that one..so we grab it pay for everything and head over to the cemetery. At a very young age I started calling it daddy's tombstone because I never wanted her get confused and think he would be there if I said you wanna go see daddy, this way she knows it is his tombstone only. We don't spend too much time there but her and Jess go fill up his water cup, she adds the flower food and I put all the flowers in, then she kisses her daddy's pic hugs the tombstone and we are done. It is moments like these that I know I have done right by her and our lil family by always being honest with her about what has happened to her daddy. Here are a few pics of today at the cemetery.